Some people rely too much on doctors instead of taking care of their own health. They think all health problems can just be ‘fixed’ by visiting doctors. What problems could this approach to healthcare cause and how might they be solved?
In contemporary society, numerous individuals rely on hospitals instead of improving their health. This is because of the thinking that all health problems can be cured by medical practitioners. This phenomenon gives rise to various issues. In my opinion, these issues encompass healthcare concerns and increasing medical fees, and our society must address them.
One significant problem is that healthcare challenges are a consequence of the reliance on clinicians. This is because if several patients suffer from mild sickness due to a lack of self-care skills, this is going to lead to fewer available beds for those who need emergency treatments. This, in turn, places a burden on healthcare systems and resources.
The other aspect to point out is that the cost of health maintenance will be more expensive when the demand for meeting physicians increases and inadequate doctors to serve. In fact, medical costs in some nations are exceedingly high, and it is difficult for disadvantaged people to access enough treatment, even if they need it.
To tackle this issue, a multifaceted approach is necessary. Firstly, public awareness campaigns should be launched to educate society about their good physical condition day-to-day through social media networking, due to this place reaching numerous users such as Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter per hour.
Secondly, developing and personalizing application well-being checking for individuals who are reliant on advices of general practitioners should be developed to curb overcrowded situation in hospitals. People will be able to receive the responses of the doctor by submitting a result measure checking their daily health, such as body temperature and blood pressure.
In conclusion, the phenomenon of depending too much on responses of medical practitioners poses challenges for health centers, and results in higher medical fees. However, increased awareness and the development of technology can work towards mitigating these issues.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"numerous individuals" -> "many individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "numerous" with "many" is a more formal and precise choice of words.
"This is because of the thinking" -> "This is due to the belief"
Explanation: Replacing "because of the thinking" with "due to the belief" makes the sentence more formal and replaces a colloquial expression with a more academic one.
"gives rise to various issues" -> "gives rise to a range of issues"
Explanation: Replacing "various" with "a range of" adds specificity and formality to the sentence.
"In my opinion" -> (Remove this phrase)
Explanation: In academic writing, it’s generally assumed that the essay reflects the author’s opinion, so there’s no need to explicitly state it. Removing this phrase makes the writing more concise and formal.
"clinicians" -> "medical practitioners"
Explanation: "Medical practitioners" is a more formal term than "clinicians," which enhances the academic tone of the essay.
"sickness" -> "illness"
Explanation: "Illness" is a more formal and precise term than "sickness."
"leads to fewer available beds" -> "results in a reduced number of available beds"
Explanation: Adding "results in" and "a reduced number of" makes the sentence more formal and academically precise.
"inadequate doctors" -> "insufficient medical professionals"
Explanation: "Insufficient medical professionals" is a more formal and precise phrase than "inadequate doctors."
"exceedingly high" -> "exorbitantly high"
Explanation: "Exorbitantly high" is a more sophisticated and formal term for describing high costs.
"advices of general practitioners" -> "guidance from general practitioners"
Explanation: "Guidance from general practitioners" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for the context.
"curb overcrowded situation in hospitals" -> "alleviate hospital overcrowding"
Explanation: "Alleviate hospital overcrowding" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea.
"result measure checking" -> "health parameter monitoring"
Explanation: "Health parameter monitoring" is a more formal and precise phrase.
"can work towards mitigating these issues" -> "can contribute to mitigating these issues"
Explanation: Adding "contribute to" enhances the formality of the sentence and provides a more academically appropriate transition to the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the problems caused by relying too much on doctors for healthcare and provides potential solutions.
- How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. It consistently advocates for the negative consequences of overreliance on doctors and proposes solutions.
- How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas well and elaborates on them with some supporting details. For instance, it discusses the burden on healthcare systems and the increased medical costs.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could provide more specific examples or statistics to further support the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic and addresses the issues related to overreliance on doctors for healthcare.
- How to improve: There is a slight digression when discussing social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. While these are mentioned as tools for public awareness campaigns, the essay could have explained their relevance in more detail to maintain a stronger connection to the topic.
Overall, this essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, presents ideas with some supporting details, and stays largely on topic. To improve, it could provide more specific examples and elaborate further on the relevance of certain points to the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that introduces the issue, followed by two body paragraphs discussing the problems associated with excessive reliance on doctors. Finally, it concludes with a brief summary. However, within the body paragraphs, there is room for improvement in terms of the logical flow. For instance, the connection between the first problem (burden on healthcare systems) and the second problem (increasing medical fees) could be made more explicit.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs to clearly connect ideas. Additionally, ensure that the order of your arguments flows logically, addressing one point before moving on to the next.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness vary. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately separated, but the two body paragraphs could be improved. The second body paragraph is quite long and contains multiple ideas. Breaking it into smaller paragraphs with clear topic sentences for each would improve readability and organization.
- How to improve: Divide the second body paragraph into smaller, focused paragraphs, each addressing a single point. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, and make sure that the ideas within the paragraph are closely related.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to some extent, such as words like "One significant problem," "The other aspect to point out," and "In conclusion." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying and using more varied cohesive devices. The essay could benefit from the use of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "Additionally") to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices. Incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases to establish better connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will improve the overall coherence and cohesion of your essay.
Overall, your essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on refining the logical organization, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying your use of cohesive devices to create a more cohesive and readable essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary. It includes a variety of words and phrases, such as "contemporary society," "reliance on clinicians," "multifaceted approach," "advices of general practitioners," and "mitigating these issues," which contribute to the overall lexical richness.
- How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary, the author could incorporate more sophisticated and contextually precise terminology. For instance, instead of using "advices of general practitioners," they could say "medical recommendations from primary care physicians." This would elevate the lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the wording could be more precise. For example, in the sentence, "This is because if several patients suffer from mild sickness due to a lack of self-care skills," the phrase "mild sickness" could be replaced with a more specific term like "minor ailments" for greater precision.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the author should carefully choose words that convey their intended meaning with utmost clarity. Using specific medical terms or more descriptive language can enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally satisfactory, with no major spelling errors observed. However, there are minor issues such as "well-being" being spelled as "wellbeing," and "advices" should be "advice."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the author should proofread their work carefully and consider using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong lexical resource, with a good range of vocabulary and mostly precise usage. Spelling accuracy is generally sound, but minor errors should be addressed through proofreading and review. To improve further, the author can focus on enhancing precision by selecting more contextually appropriate words and phrases.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety. Several sentences begin with "This" or "The," which can make the writing feel repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or inverted sentences. This will add variety to the essay and make it more engaging for the reader.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise, such as "the cost of health maintenance will be more expensive when the demand for meeting physicians increases and inadequate doctors to serve." The correct form would be "when the demand for meeting physicians increases and there are inadequate doctors to serve."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency throughout the essay. Proofreading and editing can help catch such errors.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly in the essay. However, there are a few instances where commas could be added to improve clarity. For example, "In fact, medical costs in some nations are exceedingly high…" would benefit from a comma after "In fact" for improved readability. Additionally, there are some minor punctuation issues, such as missing hyphens in compound modifiers, like "well-being checking."
- How to improve: Continue to use punctuation correctly, paying attention to comma usage for clarity. Additionally, review rules for hyphenation in compound modifiers to ensure consistency and accuracy.
Overall, the essay demonstrates strong language proficiency with minor areas for improvement. Diversifying sentence structures, addressing subject-verb agreement issues, and refining punctuation skills will contribute to even greater grammatical accuracy and effectiveness in conveying the message.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s society, many individuals tend to rely on hospitals and doctors instead of taking responsibility for their own health. This is primarily because they believe that all health problems can be fixed by medical practitioners. This approach gives rise to a range of issues that need to be addressed.
One significant problem that arises from this reliance on clinicians is the strain it places on healthcare resources. When a large number of patients seek medical attention for mild illnesses that could be managed through self-care, it leads to a reduced number of available beds for those in need of emergency treatments. This, in turn, burdens healthcare systems and resources, making it challenging to provide timely care to those who truly require it.
Another aspect to consider is the financial aspect of this approach. The increased demand for medical services without a proportional increase in the number of healthcare professionals can result in exorbitantly high medical costs. In some nations, medical expenses are already exceedingly high, making it difficult for disadvantaged individuals to access the necessary treatment, even when they genuinely need it.
To address these issues, a multifaceted approach is necessary. Firstly, public awareness campaigns should be launched to educate society about the importance of maintaining good physical health on a daily basis. Social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter can play a significant role in reaching a wide audience and spreading this message effectively.
Secondly, the development of personalized health monitoring applications for individuals who rely heavily on guidance from general practitioners can help alleviate hospital overcrowding. People can use these apps to monitor their health parameters, such as body temperature and blood pressure, and receive guidance from medical professionals based on the data they provide.
In conclusion, the tendency to depend excessively on medical practitioners for every health issue poses challenges for healthcare systems and leads to higher medical costs. However, increased awareness about the importance of self-care and the use of technology for health parameter monitoring can contribute to mitigating these issues.