Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In today’s modern society, there are divergent opinions on children’s freedom to choose their hobbies in leisure time. While the majority root for the notion that parental supervision is required , the others would assert children should feel free to enjoy their interests. This essay will discuss both views before concluding that I lean towards the former idea.
On the one hand, children should have their own freedom in choosing the activities that they are fond of. Parents’ control may accidentally restrict freedom to follow their own interests, turning free time into tedious and constrained periods. Without supervision or restriction, they are more likely to immerse in their interests, offering truly relaxing times to unwind. Thanks to this, children may feel their hobbies are respected and cherished, fostering confidence in their later life.
On the other hand, it is parental control in their child’s leisure activities that brings back more glaring benefits. To begin with, this can ensure healthy development for an offspring from an early age. Certain levels of supervision protects them from inappropriate content, including violent and unethical behaviours, which can be easily imitated by children. Therefore, exposure to healthy and meaningful hobbies are created, positively affecting mental development in the future. Another essential point to consider is the abilities to plan intriguing activities. With practical experiences and knowledge, they fully understand what is the ideal choice for their child. Take, Pictionary and Scrabble for instance, which are mainly chosen by parents to engage in for their child’s free time, not only does it boost creativity and imagination for teenagers but it also improves their literacy skills.
To sum up, it is admitted that children should feel free to enjoy their interests in leisure time. However, I would assert that parental supervision is required with the glaring benefits it offers, namely the opportunities to ensure healthy development and creating truly intriguing activities for their offspring.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s modern society" -> "In contemporary society"
   Explanation: The phrase "In today’s modern society" is redundant. "Contemporary society" is a more concise and academically appropriate term that eliminates redundancy.

2. "the majority root for the notion that" -> "the majority advocate the view that"
   Explanation: "Root for" is an informal idiom and not suitable for academic writing. "Advocate the view that" is more formal and precise.

3. "the others would assert" -> "others argue"
   Explanation: "The others would assert" is somewhat awkward and verbose. "Others argue" is more direct and maintains a formal tone.

4. "children should have their own freedom" -> "children should enjoy autonomy"
   Explanation: "Have their own freedom" is somewhat vague and informal. "Enjoy autonomy" is more specific and formal, fitting the academic style better.

5. "accidentally restrict freedom" -> "inadvertently restrict freedom"
   Explanation: "Accidentally" is informal and less precise. "Inadvertently" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

6. "tedious and constrained periods" -> "tedious and restrictive periods"
   Explanation: "Constrained" is not typically used to describe time periods. "Restrictive" is more accurate and formal in this context.

7. "immerse in their interests" -> "immerse themselves in their interests"
   Explanation: Adding "themselves" clarifies the subject of the verb, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

8. "truly relaxing times" -> "genuine relaxation"
   Explanation: "Truly relaxing times" is a bit informal and vague. "Genuine relaxation" is more concise and formal.

9. "fostering confidence in their later life" -> "enhancing confidence for their future"
   Explanation: "Fostering confidence in their later life" is slightly awkward and informal. "Enhancing confidence for their future" is more direct and formal.

10. "glaring benefits" -> "significant benefits"
    Explanation: "Glaring" is an emotional and informal term. "Significant" is neutral and appropriate for academic writing.

11. "exposure to healthy and meaningful hobbies" -> "exposure to wholesome and enriching hobbies"
    Explanation: "Healthy and meaningful" is somewhat vague. "Wholesome and enriching" provides a clearer and more precise description of the benefits of hobbies.

12. "abilities to plan intriguing activities" -> "capacity to plan engaging activities"
    Explanation: "Abilities to plan intriguing activities" is awkward and informal. "Capacity to plan engaging activities" is more formal and flows better in academic writing.

13. "Take, Pictionary and Scrabble for instance" -> "For example, Pictionary and Scrabble"
    Explanation: "Take" is informal and incorrect in this context. "For example" is the correct introductory phrase for providing illustrations.

14. "boost creativity and imagination for teenagers" -> "enhance creativity and imagination in teenagers"
    Explanation: "Boost" is somewhat informal and less precise. "Enhance" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

15. "improves their literacy skills" -> "enhances their literacy skills"
    Explanation: "Improves" is correct but "enhances" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

16. "it is admitted that" -> "it is acknowledged that"
    Explanation: "It is admitted that" is less formal and slightly awkward. "It is acknowledged that" is more formal and appropriate for academic discourse.

17. "glaring benefits" -> "significant benefits"
    Explanation: This is a repetition of an earlier correction. "Significant" is more appropriate and avoids redundancy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both perspectives on whether children’s free time activities should be organized by parents or left to their own choice. The introduction clearly outlines the two views, and both sides are discussed in separate paragraphs. The writer presents arguments for both parental control and children’s freedom, making it clear that both viewpoints are considered. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in summarizing the arguments before stating the writer’s opinion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could ensure that each viewpoint is balanced in terms of depth and detail. For instance, expanding on the benefits of children choosing their own activities could provide a more comprehensive discussion. Additionally, reiterating the main points from each side in the conclusion would strengthen the overall argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that leans towards the necessity of parental supervision, particularly in the conclusion. However, the phrase "I lean towards the former idea" in the introduction could be misleading, as it suggests a stronger inclination towards parental control than is later expressed. The conclusion reaffirms this stance but does not sufficiently summarize the arguments that support it.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should consistently reinforce their position throughout the essay. This can be achieved by explicitly linking back to the main argument in each paragraph, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s viewpoint as they read through the discussion.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, with clear examples supporting the arguments for both sides. The mention of specific activities like Pictionary and Scrabble illustrates the benefits of parental guidance. However, the support for the argument favoring children’s freedom could be more developed, as it currently lacks specific examples or evidence to strengthen the claims made.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should include more concrete examples and evidence, particularly for the argument that supports children’s freedom. This could involve discussing specific hobbies or activities that children might choose and the benefits these choices provide, thereby enriching the overall discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the mention of "certain levels of supervision" could be more specific to the context of leisure activities rather than general child development.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be done by consistently framing arguments within the context of the discussion about free time activities, avoiding broader statements that could dilute the main topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By refining the balance of viewpoints, enhancing the clarity of the position, providing more specific examples, and maintaining focus on the topic, the writer can further improve their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion that summarizes the argument. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, while the body paragraphs logically separate the two perspectives. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of children choosing their own activities, while the second paragraph outlines the advantages of parental supervision. However, the transition between the two views could be smoother, as the shift from one paragraph to the next feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate the shift from one perspective to another. For example, phrases like "Conversely," or "In contrast," can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly. Additionally, reinforcing the connection between the points made in each paragraph and the overall thesis can strengthen coherence.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct viewpoint. The first body paragraph discusses the freedom of choice for children, while the second emphasizes the importance of parental guidance. However, the conclusion could benefit from a clearer reiteration of the main points discussed in the body paragraphs, as it currently presents a somewhat vague summary of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion explicitly references the key arguments made in the essay. This can be achieved by briefly summarizing the main points from both body paragraphs before stating your opinion. This not only reinforces the structure but also helps the reader recall the arguments presented.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting views. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, the phrase "to begin with" is used in the second body paragraph but could be varied with alternatives like "Firstly," or "Another point to consider is."
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Additionally" to introduce supporting points, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "On the contrary" to present counterarguments. This variety will enhance the flow of ideas and make the writing more engaging.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "divergent opinions," "parental supervision," "tedious," "immersed," and "cherished." These terms effectively convey the writer’s arguments and enhance the overall quality of the essay. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "children should feel free to enjoy their interests" is somewhat repetitive and could be expressed in different ways to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. Instead of repeatedly using "enjoy their interests," alternatives like "pursue their passions" or "explore their hobbies" could be utilized. Additionally, introducing more complex vocabulary or idiomatic expressions could further elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where the precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "certain levels of supervision protects them from inappropriate content" could be more clearly articulated. The term "certain levels" is vague and does not specify what level of supervision is being referred to. Additionally, the phrase "glaring benefits" may come across as overly dramatic or informal in this context.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity in their word choices. Instead of "certain levels of supervision," a more precise phrase could be "appropriate levels of parental oversight." Similarly, replacing "glaring benefits" with "significant advantages" would maintain a formal tone while accurately conveying the intended meaning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with only minor errors present. For example, the term "offspring" is correctly spelled, as is "behaviours" (noting that this is British English). However, there are instances of spacing issues, such as in "root for the notion" where an extra space exists before "the."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully to catch any typographical errors or spacing issues. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help identify mistakes that may be overlooked during the writing process. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can further strengthen this area.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band Score of 7. By expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their performance in this criterion for future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively organizes the discussion. Additionally, the sentence "Without supervision or restriction, they are more likely to immerse in their interests, offering truly relaxing times to unwind" showcases a complex structure that combines clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and similar structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "This essay will" or "It is admitted that," which can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different conjunctions to connect ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," the writer could use phrases like "Conversely," or "In contrast," to introduce opposing views. Additionally, varying the length of sentences and incorporating more subordinate clauses could add complexity and interest to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "the others would assert children should feel free" lacks a clear subject and could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, the sentence "certain levels of supervision protects them from inappropriate content" contains a subject-verb agreement error; "levels" is plural, so it should be "protect." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some awkward comma placements, such as in "Take, Pictionary and Scrabble for instance," where the comma after "Take" is unnecessary.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch subject-verb agreement errors and ensure clarity in sentence construction. Practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors and reviewing rules for subject-verb agreement can be beneficial. Additionally, the writer should familiarize themselves with punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in lists and after introductory phrases, to enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of their writing.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there are divergent opinions on children’s freedom to choose their hobbies during their leisure time. While the majority advocate the view that parental supervision is necessary, others argue that children should have the autonomy to enjoy their interests. This essay will discuss both perspectives before concluding that I lean towards the former idea.

On the one hand, children should have the freedom to choose the activities they are passionate about. Parental control may inadvertently restrict their ability to follow their own interests, turning free time into tedious and restrictive periods. Without supervision or limitations, children are more likely to immerse themselves in their interests, providing them with genuine relaxation and opportunities to unwind. As a result, children may feel that their hobbies are respected and valued, which can enhance their confidence for their future.

On the other hand, parental guidance in their child’s leisure activities brings significant benefits. To begin with, this supervision can ensure healthy development from an early age. Certain levels of oversight protect children from inappropriate content, including violent and unethical behaviors, which can be easily imitated. Therefore, exposure to wholesome and enriching hobbies is created, positively impacting their mental development in the future. Another essential point to consider is the capacity of parents to plan engaging activities. With practical experience and knowledge, they understand what constitutes the ideal choice for their child. For example, games like Pictionary and Scrabble, often chosen by parents for their child’s free time, not only enhance creativity and imagination in teenagers but also improve their literacy skills.

To sum up, it is acknowledged that children should feel free to enjoy their interests during leisure time. However, I would assert that parental supervision is essential due to the significant benefits it offers, namely the opportunities to ensure healthy development and create truly engaging activities for their offspring.