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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the state-of-art globalisation, it is argued that music plays an indespensible part of connecting people from different parts of the world regardless of separate cultures and age. From my perspective, I totally agrew wth this point of view and this essay will elaborate on it.
The are three main reasons why music bring people from various cultures and generations together. Firstly, music eliminates barriers among individuals coming from different parts of the world and customs. The reason is that people could listen to other nations’ songs and enjoy its rhythm although they do not know much about its language, which encourages them to enjoy the beauty of each other’s custom and tradition. For example, through listening Russia music promotes people’s interest for Russia and open their minds in terms of Russia’s tradition and custom to an extent. As result, the connection between worldwide people is strengthened building a peaceful world. Secondly, music does not need interpretation to be enjoyed and understood as it touches our hearts and resonates in our minds. No matter what language people speak or understand, they can sit and enjoy music sharing the valuable moments together.

Last but not least, it is undeniable tht music helps reduce the generation gap and age among individuals. Specifically, when the national song is play, people at different age groups all tune into the same emotion, which is patriotism , and their unity is stronger than ever. Hence, the development of the nation is improved significantly in the future.
In conclusion, it is clear that music plays an essential part in each nation and it is also vigorous in strengthening the relationships among people from all over the world.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "state-of-art globalisation" -> "state-of-the-art globalization"
    Explanation: The original phrase contains a typographical error. "State-of-the-art" is a hyphenated term indicating the latest or most advanced stage of something. Also, "globalization" is the correct spelling.

  2. "indespensible" -> "indispensable"
    Explanation: The original word contains a spelling error. "Indispensable" is the correct spelling, conveying the idea that music is essential or crucial.

  3. "agrew wth" -> "agree with"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling errors in the phrase "agrew wth" to "agree with" improves the clarity and professionalism of the statement.

  4. "The are three main reasons" -> "There are three main reasons"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement error by changing "The are" to "There are" ensures grammatical accuracy.

  5. "music bring people" -> "music brings people"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb agreement error by changing "bring" to "brings" ensures grammatical accuracy.

  6. "indivduals" -> "individuals"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error in "indivduals" to "individuals" ensures proper usage in formal writing.

  7. "its rhythm although" -> "its rhythm, although"
    Explanation: Adding a comma after "rhythm" improves the sentence structure, making it clearer and aligning with proper punctuation rules.

  8. "For example, through listening Russia music" -> "For example, by listening to Russian music"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better clarity and replacing "Russia music" with "Russian music" improves precision and maintains formality.

  9. "open their minds in terms of Russia’s tradition and custom to an extent" -> "broaden their understanding of Russia’s traditions and customs"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more precise and formal language to convey the idea of expanding one’s knowledge about Russia’s traditions and customs.

  10. "As result" -> "As a result"
    Explanation: Adding the article "a" before "result" ensures grammatical correctness and aligns with formal writing conventions.

  11. "does not need interpretation to be enjoyed and understood" -> "requires no interpretation to be enjoyed and understood"
    Explanation: Replacing "does not need" with "requires no" adds a level of formality and precision to the statement.

  12. "it touches our hearts and resonates in our minds" -> "it resonates emotionally and intellectually"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more sophisticated way to express the impact of music on individuals.

  13. "tune into the same emotion" -> "experience the same emotion"
    Explanation: The alternative phrase "experience the same emotion" is more precise and aligns with formal language conventions.

  14. "it is undeniable tht" -> "it is undeniable that"
    Explanation: Adding the missing letters "at" in "it is undeniable tht" ensures grammatical correctness.

  15. "nation is improved significantly in the future" -> "nation experiences significant improvement for the future"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea, avoiding ambiguity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by expressing a clear agreement with the statement. It recognizes the role of music in connecting people from different cultures and ages. However, the explanation could be more detailed and nuanced. For instance, it briefly mentions how music eliminates barriers, but a more in-depth analysis of how this happens and its impact could enhance the response.
    • How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed examples and explanations of how music acts as a bridge between cultures and ages. Consider discussing specific genres or instances where music has played a pivotal role in fostering connections.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position throughout, expressing strong agreement with the idea that music brings people together. However, there are moments where the expression is not as precise, such as stating "I totally agrew wth this point of view." Clarity can be enhanced by refining language and ensuring that expressions align with formal essay standards.
    • How to improve: Work on expressing agreement or disagreement more formally and precisely. Avoid colloquial language and ensure that the thesis statement is explicitly stated, leaving no room for ambiguity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. For instance, it mentions three main reasons but briefly elaborates on them. Providing more details, examples, or real-world scenarios could strengthen the essay’s argument and make it more convincing.
    • How to improve: Extend each main point by including specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes. This will add depth to your argument and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of music in connecting people from different cultures and ages. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For instance, the essay briefly mentions "state-of-art globalisation," which may slightly deviate from the core theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a laser focus on the prompt, avoiding unnecessary tangents or complex terms. Ensure that every sentence directly contributes to supporting the main argument, fostering a more cohesive and targeted essay.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively argues for the role of music in bringing people together. To improve, focus on providing more detailed examples, refining language for clarity, extending and supporting ideas, and maintaining a sharp focus on the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction sets up the main argument, and each body paragraph elaborates on a specific point supporting the thesis. However, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs. The transition between the reasons in the body paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to guide the reader from one point to the next. Additionally, ensure that the ideas within each paragraph progress logically, with clear connections between sentences.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. The first paragraph of the body introduces the first reason, but the second paragraph combines the second and third reasons. Clearer separation and development of each reason in its own paragraph would improve the overall structure.
    • How to improve: Reorganize the body paragraphs so that each reason is discussed in a separate paragraph. This will provide a more organized and easily digestible structure, allowing readers to follow the argument more effectively.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay makes limited use of cohesive devices. While it does contain some basic transitional phrases like "firstly" and "secondly," there is a lack of variety and sophistication in their application. This impacts the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transitional words (e.g., furthermore, consequently), pronouns (to refer back to previously mentioned ideas), and parallel structures. This will contribute to a smoother and more connected flow between sentences and paragraphs.

In summary, while the essay exhibits some organization and coherence, there is room for improvement in the development of ideas within paragraphs, the effective use of paragraphs, and the diversification of cohesive devices. Making these enhancements will elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement. It includes words like "globalisation," "indispensable," "customs," "resonates," and "patriotism," but there is a lack of variety in some parts, leading to repetitive language use.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score, consider incorporating a more diverse and nuanced vocabulary. Introduce synonyms and explore different expressions to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of frequently using "customs" and "tradition," experiment with alternative terms like "cultural practices" or "heritage."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary. While terms like "state-of-art globalisation" and "indispensable" contribute to precision, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "the are three main reasons" and "it is argued that music plays an indespensible part."
    • How to improve: Focus on clarity and accuracy in expression. Avoid unnecessary words and ensure that your chosen vocabulary aligns precisely with your intended meaning. Instead of vague phrases like "the are three main reasons," provide specific details or elaborate on each point, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "indespensible" instead of "indispensable," "agrew" instead of "agree," and "tht" instead of "that."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools, and consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors. Develop a habit of reviewing your writing to catch and correct errors, ensuring a polished and professional presentation.

Overall, while your essay effectively conveys ideas, refining your vocabulary and addressing spelling issues will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs simple sentence structures, with limited variety. Complex sentences are infrequently used, and there is a noticeable lack of compound or compound-complex structures. Additionally, the essay tends to rely on repetitive sentence patterns, leading to a monotonous tone.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and make the writing more engaging, introduce a variety of sentence structures. Incorporate complex sentences, compound sentences, and compound-complex sentences to add depth and sophistication to your writing. Utilize subordinating conjunctions and transitional phrases to connect ideas and create a smoother flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, there are spelling mistakes, such as "indespensible" instead of "indispensable" and "agrew" instead of "agree." Additionally, there are subject-verb agreement errors, as seen in "The are three main reasons," where "are" should be "are."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, proofread your work carefully to catch spelling errors and ensure proper subject-verb agreement. Pay attention to verb tenses and noun-verb agreement. Additionally, use punctuation marks, such as commas and periods, more effectively to organize ideas and improve overall readability. Consider seeking feedback from others or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt and provides relevant examples to support the argument, improving grammatical range and accuracy will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the realm of state-of-the-art globalization, it is argued that music plays an indispensable role in connecting people from different parts of the world, irrespective of separate cultures and ages. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly agree with this viewpoint, and this essay will elaborate on it.

There are three main reasons why music brings people from various cultures and generations together. Firstly, music eliminates barriers among individuals from different parts of the world and various customs. The reason is that people can listen to the songs of other nations and enjoy their rhythm, even if they do not know much about the language. This encourages them to appreciate the beauty of each other’s customs and traditions. For example, by listening to Russian music, people develop an interest in Russia and broaden their understanding of Russia’s traditions and customs. As a result, the connection between people worldwide is strengthened, contributing to the building of a more peaceful world.

Secondly, music requires no interpretation to be enjoyed and understood; it touches our hearts and resonates in our minds. Regardless of the language people speak or understand, they can sit and enjoy music, sharing valuable moments together.

Last but not least, it is undeniable that music helps reduce the generation gap among individuals. Specifically, when the national song is played, people of different age groups all tune into the same emotion, which is patriotism, and their unity becomes stronger than ever. Hence, the nation experiences significant improvement for the future.

In conclusion, it is clear that music plays an essential part in each nation, and it is also vigorous in strengthening relationships among people from all over the world.

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