Some people say that parents need to spend time on reading or telling stories to children, while others think parents no longer have to do this because there are other sources for stories such as books, TV and the Internet. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

While it is recommended for parents to read books and tell stories for their kids, some people believe that these lessons can rely on other alternatives such as books or the Internet. I strongly agree with the previous idea and would analyse both of perspectives in this essay,

On the one hand, it is justifiable for parents to depend on other educational resources to raise their children's awareness. One significant reason is that books, the Internet or other alternatives can also become effective assistance for their children’s development. Undoubtedly, many educated and meaningful videos and shows from the internet or TV can provide an amount of information to children with not only attractive sounds and vibrant colours but also positive and high-quality lessons, enabling kids to absorb new lessons effectively without parental assistance. However, that scenario may not occur due to a number of toxic programmes related to violence without being controlled by the organisations or the government, leading to several severe consequences such as the high crime rate in the society. Furthermore, the lack of parental care and control in childhood can result in some potential psychological problems, namely isolation or depression for children, which could lead to more serious consequences for their future.

On the other hand, many parents currently cannot spend much time with their children due to a high amount of work, whereas both family and society can reap vital benefits from these activities regardless of the knowledge from their parents’ stories. To begin with, spending time with children can help to build the relationships between family members, enabling individuals to become closer with their family. By connecting and sharing opinions, they might learn to understand each other, building a firmer society. Not only enhancing family members’ connection, but the development of the society will potentially be improved. By raising in such an environment filled with parental care, children would grow up more holistically, increasing individuals' mental health onwards.

In my opinion, despite the convenience of other kinds of educational systems and the lack of time, parents should still spend time reading or telling stories for their kids as these activities can enhance the connectivity between family members and the development of children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"While it is recommended for parents to read books and tell stories for their kids" -> "It is recommended that parents read books and tell stories to their children"
Explanation: Removing "for their kids" and replacing it with "to their children" formalizes the language and aligns it with academic style by using the more formal term "children" instead of the colloquial "kids."
"some people believe that these lessons can rely on other alternatives" -> "some argue that these lessons can be supplemented by alternative methods"
Explanation: "Rely on" is incorrect in this context; "supplemented by" is more precise and appropriate for describing the addition of alternative methods to traditional storytelling.
"I strongly agree with the previous idea" -> "I strongly support this perspective"
Explanation: "The previous idea" is vague and informal; "this perspective" is more specific and formal, enhancing clarity and academic tone.
"would analyse both of perspectives" -> "will examine both perspectives"
Explanation: "Would analyse" is less direct and less formal than "will examine," which is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.
"it is justifiable for parents to depend on other educational resources" -> "it is reasonable for parents to rely on alternative educational resources"
Explanation: "Justifiable" is less common and slightly awkward in this context; "reasonable" is more natural and academically appropriate. Also, "depend on" is replaced with "rely on" for a more precise expression.
"can also become effective assistance for their children’s development" -> "can also serve as effective tools for their children’s development"
Explanation: "Become effective assistance" is awkward and vague; "serve as effective tools" is clearer and more direct, enhancing the formal tone.
"an amount of information" -> "a significant amount of information"
Explanation: "An amount" is too vague; "a significant amount" specifies the quantity, making the statement more precise and impactful.
"not only attractive sounds and vibrant colours" -> "not only engaging sounds and vibrant colors"
Explanation: "Attractive" is less specific and formal than "engaging," which better describes the captivating nature of the media.
"without being controlled by the organisations or the government" -> "without adequate regulation by organizations or governments"
Explanation: "Without being controlled" is informal and vague; "without adequate regulation" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the lack of proper oversight.
"the high crime rate in the society" -> "the high crime rate in society"
Explanation: "In the society" is redundant; "in society" is sufficient and more concise, adhering to formal writing standards.
"the lack of parental care and control in childhood" -> "insufficient parental care and supervision during childhood"
Explanation: "The lack of parental care and control" is somewhat informal and imprecise; "insufficient parental care and supervision" is more specific and formal.
"spending time with children can help to build the relationships" -> "spending time with children can foster stronger relationships"
Explanation: "Help to build" is less direct and less formal; "foster stronger relationships" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"enabling individuals to become closer with their family" -> "enabling individuals to become closer to their families"
Explanation: "With their family" is grammatically incorrect; "to their families" corrects the preposition and maintains the formal tone.
"raising in such an environment filled with parental care" -> "growing up in such an environment characterized by parental care"
Explanation: "Raising" is less specific and informal; "growing up" is more natural and precise in this context, and "characterized by" is more formal than "filled with."
"increasing individuals’ mental health onwards" -> "enhancing the mental health of individuals"
Explanation: "Increasing individuals’ mental health onwards" is awkward and unclear; "enhancing the mental health of individuals" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether parents should read or tell stories to their children or rely on other sources like books, TV, and the Internet. The writer presents arguments for both perspectives, discussing the benefits of alternative educational resources and the importance of parental involvement in storytelling. For example, the essay mentions the potential educational value of videos and shows from the Internet while also highlighting the risks of exposure to harmful content. However, the discussion could be more balanced, as the argument in favor of parental storytelling is less developed compared to the critique of alternative resources.
- How to improve: To enhance the balance, the essay could provide more specific examples of how storytelling directly benefits children’s development, such as fostering imagination or improving language skills. Additionally, addressing counterarguments to the benefits of parental storytelling could strengthen the overall analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer clearly states their position in favor of parental storytelling in the introduction and reiterates this stance in the conclusion. However, the position could be more consistently emphasized throughout the body paragraphs. While the first paragraph presents a strong argument for alternative resources, it could be perceived as undermining the writer’s own position due to the lack of a clear transition back to the importance of storytelling.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should use transitional phrases that reinforce their stance after discussing the opposing view. For instance, after presenting the benefits of alternative resources, the writer could explicitly state how these do not replace the unique benefits of parental storytelling.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the effectiveness of alternative resources and the importance of parental involvement. However, some ideas are not fully extended or supported. For example, while the essay mentions the potential psychological issues arising from a lack of parental care, it does not delve into how storytelling specifically mitigates these issues or how it fosters emotional intelligence and resilience in children.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, they could elaborate on how storytelling can enhance children’s empathy and understanding of complex emotions, providing specific studies or anecdotal evidence to back these claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the roles of parents in storytelling and the implications of alternative educational resources. However, there are moments where the focus drifts slightly, particularly when discussing societal benefits without directly linking them back to the main topic of parental storytelling.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of the prompt. They could achieve this by explicitly connecting societal benefits to the importance of storytelling, perhaps by discussing how strong family bonds fostered through storytelling contribute to a healthier society.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments to balance the discussion, reinforce the position, and deepen the support for ideas, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion that states the writer’s opinion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing the benefits of alternative resources to the importance of parental involvement feels abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are generally well-organized, but some sentences could benefit from clearer connections to the main argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details that are cohesively tied back to that idea.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the second body paragraph could be more focused, as it introduces multiple ideas (relationship building, societal benefits, mental health) without fully developing any single point.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, consider limiting each paragraph to one main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the benefits of storytelling for family relationships and the other on the broader societal implications. This would allow for deeper exploration of each point and enhance clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to distinguish between the two perspectives. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, which can disrupt the flow. For example, the phrase "that scenario may not occur" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between the ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. Use devices such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Consequently" to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can create a more cohesive narrative.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help in achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms such as "educational resources," "psychological problems," and "holistically." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "books, the Internet or other alternatives," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, phrases like "toxic programmes" and "high crime rate" are somewhat simplistic and could be replaced with more sophisticated synonyms or expressions.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeating "books" and "the Internet," they could use terms like "literature," "digital media," or "electronic resources." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more diverse materials could help in expanding vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the lack of parental care and control in childhood can result in some potential psychological problems" could be more directly stated as "insufficient parental involvement may lead to psychological issues." The use of "toxic programmes" is also vague; it would be more effective to specify what types of programmes are harmful.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using specific terms that convey their ideas more clearly. Instead of "toxic programmes," they could specify "violent or inappropriate content." Practicing paraphrasing and refining sentences for clarity will also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling throughout the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors that detract from understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "colours," which is correct in British English but may need to be adjusted to "colors" for American English consistency, depending on the intended audience.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using digital tools or spell-checkers. Additionally, familiarizing themselves with common spelling rules and exceptions in English can help reduce errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Engaging with a wider range of reading materials and practicing vocabulary exercises can significantly enhance the writer’s lexical resource for future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "One significant reason is that books, the Internet or other alternatives can also become effective assistance for their children’s development" showcases an understanding of how to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "spending time with children can help to build the relationships between family members" could be rephrased to enhance complexity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with the subject, try beginning with adverbial clauses or phrases that set the context, such as "In light of the increasing reliance on technology, it is essential for parents to…" This will not only enhance the complexity of your writing but also engage the reader more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several areas where errors can detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "these lessons can rely on other alternatives such as books or the Internet" is awkwardly constructed. A clearer phrasing would be "these lessons can be supplemented by other alternatives such as books or the Internet." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the missing comma in "the Internet or other alternatives," can lead to confusion. The use of commas in complex sentences is sometimes inconsistent, which affects the flow of reading.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, in the sentence "the lack of parental care and control in childhood can result in some potential psychological problems," consider revising it to "the lack of parental care and control during childhood can lead to potential psychological problems." Furthermore, practice using punctuation correctly, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that clauses are clearly separated. Reading your essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where the sentence structure could be improved for better clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

While it is recommended that parents read books and tell stories to their children, some people believe that these lessons can rely on other alternatives such as TV or the Internet. I strongly support the former idea and will examine both perspectives in this essay.

On the one hand, it is reasonable for parents to depend on other educational resources to raise their children’s awareness. One significant reason is that books, the Internet, or other alternatives can also serve as effective tools for their children’s development. Undoubtedly, many educational and meaningful videos and shows from the Internet or TV can provide a significant amount of information to children with not only engaging sounds and vibrant colors but also positive and high-quality lessons, enabling kids to absorb new lessons effectively without parental assistance. However, that scenario may not occur due to a number of toxic programs related to violence without adequate regulation by organizations or governments, leading to several severe consequences such as the high crime rate in society. Furthermore, insufficient parental care and supervision during childhood can result in potential psychological problems, namely isolation or depression for children, which could lead to more serious consequences for their future.

On the other hand, many parents currently cannot spend much time with their children due to a high amount of work, whereas both family and society can reap vital benefits from these activities regardless of the knowledge from their parents’ stories. To begin with, spending time with children can foster stronger relationships between family members, enabling individuals to become closer to their families. By connecting and sharing opinions, they might learn to understand each other, building a firmer society. Not only enhancing family members’ connections, but the development of society will potentially be improved. By growing up in such an environment characterized by parental care, children would develop more holistically, enhancing individuals’ mental health.

In my opinion, despite the convenience of other kinds of educational systems and the lack of time, parents should still spend time reading or telling stories to their children, as these activities can enhance the connectivity between family members and the development of children.