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Some people say that schools are no longer necessary because children can get so much information available through the Internet, and they can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people say that schools are no longer necessary because children can get so much information available through the Internet, and they can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Given the unfettered proliferation of Internet-based platforms and the abundance of information on those, some individuals hold the point that physical schools are gradually becoming redundant. Others, myself included, conquer the said viewpoint as there are prominent advantages of schools that can not be obtained by the Internet.
The first justification for my endorsement of keeping brick-and-mortar schools is that they provide an interactive and dynamic environment for students to learn. It is true that while learning at schools, students often engage in group discussion or teamwork projects, which necessitate the ability to communicate and cooperate effectively with other peers and teachers. These activities, in the long run, can cultivate their interpersonal and collaboration skills and also help them to function in social settings. Therefore, education at schools does contribute significantly to a pupil's well-rounded development, which could not be obtained from virtual learning. In addition, schools allow students to put their accumulated knowledge into practice. This can be true for subjects such as chemistry or physics, as elaborate laboratory setups and advanced equipment available at schools can assist learners in doing experiments and solidifying their theory-based knowledge. This, however, could not be achieved via the Internet.
Opponents of maintaining school might argue that the sheer volume of information available on online platforms can be of great assistance to students’ home-schooling. However, this viewpoint is absurd as the colossal quantity could be a huge downside. Students might find it difficult to search for knowledge and information appropriate for their levels of education, and without assistance from teachers, they might end up not knowing how and where to start. That being the case, students’ learning process could be exceedingly frustrating, leading to their loss of motivation and interest in studying. Meanwhile, educational systems at physical institutions are proved to be more effective as knowledge is categorized into grades and levels, and students can seek guidance from professionally qualified teachers if necessary.
In conclusion, I strongly oppose the belief that the Internet can render school unnecessary, considering significant contributions that schools make to students’ social skill enhancement and hand-ons experience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Given the unfettered proliferation of Internet-based platforms and the abundance of information on those, some individuals hold the point that physical schools are gradually becoming redundant." -> "Given the widespread proliferation of Internet-based platforms and the abundance of information they offer, some individuals argue that traditional schools are gradually becoming obsolete."
    Explanation: Replacing "unfettered proliferation" with "widespread proliferation" and rephrasing the sentence improves clarity and aligns with a more formal tone. Additionally, specifying "information they offer" enhances precision.

  2. "Others, myself included, conquer the said viewpoint as there are prominent advantages of schools that can not be obtained by the Internet." -> "Others, including myself, reject the aforementioned viewpoint, citing notable advantages of traditional schools that cannot be replicated online."
    Explanation: "Conquer the said viewpoint" is replaced with "reject the aforementioned viewpoint" for a more formal expression. "Can not be obtained" is changed to "cannot be replicated" for precision and clarity.

  3. "The first justification for my endorsement of keeping brick-and-mortar schools is that they provide an interactive and dynamic environment for students to learn." -> "The primary rationale for my advocacy of maintaining brick-and-mortar schools is that they offer an interactive and dynamic learning environment for students."
    Explanation: "Justification" is replaced with "rationale" for a more formal term. "Provide" is changed to "offer" for variety, and the sentence is rephrased for improved flow.

  4. "It is true that while learning at schools, students often engage in group discussion or teamwork projects, which necessitate the ability to communicate and cooperate effectively with other peers and teachers." -> "Indeed, during their education at schools, students frequently participate in group discussions or collaborative projects, demanding proficiency in effective communication and cooperation with peers and teachers."
    Explanation: "It is true that" is replaced with "Indeed" for conciseness. The sentence is rephrased for enhanced clarity and formality.

  5. "Opponents of maintaining school might argue that the sheer volume of information available on online platforms can be of great assistance to students’ home-schooling." -> "Opponents of traditional schooling may argue that the vast amount of information accessible on online platforms could greatly aid students in homeschooling."
    Explanation: "Maintaining school" is changed to "traditional schooling" for precision. "Sheer volume" is replaced with "vast amount" for a more sophisticated expression.

  6. "This viewpoint is absurd as the colossal quantity could be a huge downside." -> "This perspective is untenable, as the immense quantity could pose a significant drawback."
    Explanation: "Absurd" is replaced with "untenable" for a more formal tone. "Colossal quantity" is changed to "immense quantity" for variety and precision.

  7. "Students might find it difficult to search for knowledge and information appropriate for their levels of education, and without assistance from teachers, they might end up not knowing how and where to start." -> "Students may encounter challenges in locating knowledge and information suitable for their educational levels; without guidance from teachers, they may struggle to determine how and where to commence their studies."
    Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality. "Find it difficult to search for" is replaced with "encounter challenges in locating" for variety.

  8. "Meanwhile, educational systems at physical institutions are proved to be more effective as knowledge is categorized into grades and levels, and students can seek guidance from professionally qualified teachers if necessary." -> "Meanwhile, educational systems in physical institutions have been demonstrated to be more effective, given the categorization of knowledge into grades and levels, allowing students to seek guidance from professionally qualified teachers as needed."
    Explanation: "Are proved to be" is changed to "have been demonstrated to be" for a more formal expression. The sentence is rephrased for clarity and flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both perspectives, presenting arguments in favor of traditional schools while also acknowledging the opposing view.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers all aspects, a more nuanced exploration of the opposing view could enhance the depth of analysis. Providing specific examples or scenarios where online learning might be advantageous could strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, expressing strong support for traditional schools.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider rephrasing sentences for conciseness. For instance, "The first justification for my endorsement of keeping brick-and-mortar schools is that they provide an interactive and dynamic environment for students to learn" could be streamlined for greater impact.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides examples of group discussions, teamwork projects, and practical experiments to illustrate the benefits of traditional schooling.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, elaborate on the potential benefits of online learning. While defending the importance of traditional schools, acknowledging the advantages of the Internet for certain types of learning could demonstrate a more balanced perspective.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic, consistently addressing the question of whether schools are necessary in the age of the Internet.
    • How to improve: While the essay is focused, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Some sentences, such as "This can be true for subjects such as chemistry or physics, as elaborate laboratory setups and advanced equipment available at schools can assist learners in doing experiments," could be more directly linked to the central argument.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong response to the prompt, effectively addressing all aspects of the question with a clear and consistent stance in favor of traditional schools. To improve further, consider providing more nuanced exploration of the opposing view and ensuring that each paragraph directly aligns with the central argument. Additionally, strive for conciseness in expression to enhance overall clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a coherent structure by presenting a clear introduction, body paragraphs with supporting arguments, and a conclusion. The introduction sets up the discussion well by presenting both perspectives, followed by a clear stance. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of why physical schools are advantageous, supported by relevant examples and explanations. The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs for smoother connections. Each paragraph could be strengthened by establishing a clearer topic sentence that previews the main idea. Additionally, ensure that the arguments progress logically from one to another to create a more seamless flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into well-structured paragraphs, each containing a distinct main idea supported by relevant examples and explanations. However, some paragraphs tend to be lengthy, making it slightly challenging for readers to navigate the content smoothly. The essay’s structure is evident, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
    • How to improve: Aim to maintain a balance in paragraph length to aid readability and comprehension. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. This will enhance the essay’s readability and make it easier for the reader to follow the points being made.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases (‘The first justification’, ‘In addition’, ‘Opponents’, ‘Meanwhile’, ‘In conclusion’), which help in structuring the argument. However, there’s room for improvement in utilizing a more diverse range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (‘this’, ‘these’, ‘that’), conjunctions (‘however’, ‘therefore’), and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to include a wider range, incorporating pronouns, synonyms, and additional transition words. This will create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs, improving the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments supporting the importance of physical schools, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices usage can further elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, leading to a more impactful and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "unfettered proliferation," "endorsement," "colossal quantity," and "hand-ons experience." However, the vocabulary lacks consistency, and some phrases could be more nuanced for a higher band score.

    • How to improve: To enhance the score, strive for more precision and variety in vocabulary. Replace common phrases with more sophisticated alternatives and explore synonyms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "schools," consider alternatives like "educational institutions" or "academic establishments."

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses vocabulary generally accurately, but there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, the phrase "conquer the said viewpoint" is somewhat awkward, and "hand-ons experience" appears to be a typographical error. These instances slightly impact the precision of language.

    • How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In the mentioned examples, consider revising to "oppose the mentioned viewpoint" and "hands-on experience" for improved accuracy.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling accuracy is satisfactory. There are no major spelling errors, but attention to detail is needed. For instance, the correct phrase is "hands-on experience," and "unfettered proliferation" should be checked for correctness.

    • How to improve: Review and proofread the essay carefully to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, use tools like spell checkers to ensure accuracy. Paying close attention to detail will contribute to a higher band score in this criterion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, refining the choice and precision of words and ensuring impeccable spelling will contribute to an improvement in the Lexical Resource band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair variety of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences. There’s an attempt to use relative clauses ("the first justification for my endorsement," "which necessitate the ability"), conditional structures ("This can be true for subjects such as chemistry or physics"), and compound-complex sentences ("Opponents of maintaining school might argue…"). However, the essay could benefit from more sophisticated structures like inversion, passive voice, or reduced adjective clauses to further enhance complexity and variety.
    • How to improve: To diversify structures, consider employing advanced sentence constructions like inverted sentences ("Never have schools been more crucial"), passive voice ("Experiments can be conducted utilizing elaborate laboratory setups"), or reduced adjective clauses ("Elaborate laboratory setups aid in conducting experiments"). This can elevate the essay’s sophistication and fluency.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement ("some individuals hold the point" should be "hold the viewpoint"), article use ("the said viewpoint" might benefit from rephrasing to "this viewpoint"), and word choice ("conquer the said viewpoint" should be "counter the said viewpoint"). These do not impede understanding but can be refined for a more polished delivery.
    • How to improve: Focus on fine-tuning subject-verb agreement, article usage, and idiomatic expressions to enhance precision. For instance, ensuring consistency in articles ("the first justification") and choosing idiomatic expressions ("counter the viewpoint") can refine the essay’s grammar further.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally accurate, with correct placement of commas in complex sentences ("Opponents of maintaining school might argue that…"). However, there are a few instances where punctuation could be refined, such as the use of commas in compound sentences ("These activities, in the long run, can cultivate their interpersonal and collaboration skills and also help them to function in social settings").
    • How to improve: Focus on refining comma usage in compound sentences by considering where natural pauses occur. For instance, in complex sentences, use commas to separate independent clauses for improved clarity ("These activities, in the long run, can cultivate their interpersonal and collaboration skills, and they also help them function in social settings").

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and structure. To elevate the score further, refine grammatical precision, diversify sentence structures, and polish punctuation usage for a more nuanced and sophisticated presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Given the widespread availability of online platforms and the wealth of information they offer, some argue that physical schools are gradually losing relevance. However, I respectfully disagree with this view and firmly advocate for the enduring value of traditional schools, which offer unique advantages that cannot be replicated online.

My primary reason for supporting brick-and-mortar schools is their provision of an interactive and dynamic learning environment. In these institutions, students frequently engage in group discussions and collaborative projects, fostering effective communication and cooperation with peers and teachers. These activities not only develop interpersonal skills but also prepare students for social interactions, a vital aspect that virtual learning cannot fully provide. Additionally, schools offer practical applications of knowledge, particularly in subjects like chemistry or physics, where laboratory setups and advanced equipment aid in conducting experiments, solidifying theoretical understanding—a facet unattainable through online platforms.

Critics of traditional schooling may argue that the vast amount of information available online could support home-based learning. However, this perspective overlooks a crucial drawback—the overwhelming quantity of information. Without teacher guidance, students might struggle to navigate through the vast pool of knowledge, potentially leading to confusion and hindering their educational progress. Contrastingly, physical institutions categorize knowledge into specific levels, allowing students to seek guidance from qualified teachers when needed, ensuring a more effective learning experience.

In conclusion, I strongly oppose the notion that the Internet can render physical schools obsolete. The social skills cultivated and hands-on experiences offered by traditional schools remain invaluable, contributing significantly to a well-rounded education that extends beyond the scope of online learning.

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