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Some people say that the best way to improve children’s health is through their diet. Others say that the best way to improve children’s health is through exercise. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

Some people say that the best way to improve children’s health is through their diet. Others say that the best way to improve children’s health is through exercise.
Discuss both view and give your opinion.

There are some opinions that children’s healthy diet is the most important factor to improve their health. Others claim that the most effective way to level up children’s health is through exercise. In this essay, an analysis of both views will be provided, along with that is my personal opinion.

Regarding the first view, children’s nutrition affects a lot on their health development. A healthy diet provides children with adequate vitamins and other tonics. This helps them to be strong enough to do daily activities. Otherwise, children will be kept perky. To be specific, a kid who gets a spare diet will not be conscious enough and strong enough to respond to activities, and a kid who gets adequate substances will be active due to the nutrition provided.

As regards the second view, exercise has an impressive impact on children’s physical support. Sports help children to be higher, expand, and strengthen their bone structure. By playing sports, children can prevent illnesses and avoid dangerous diseases. In addition, exercise helps children to relax after tiring hours of studying.

With regard to my own perspective, I tend to follow a balanced approach with the numerous advantages of both diet and exercise in children’s physical health and mentality. To compare diet and exercise, I think it depends on other factors affecting children in different situations.

Some people state that the best way to improve children’s wellbeing is to adjust their diet quality, but some others say that exercise is the most important. In my opinion, I think the benefits of both diet and exercise are equal and it depends on different children with ambience.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There are some opinions that children’s healthy diet is the most important factor to improve their health." -> "Some argue that a nutritious diet is paramount for enhancing children’s health."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative introduces a more formal and precise expression by replacing "There are some opinions" with "Some argue" and rephrasing to emphasize the importance of a nutritious diet for children’s health.

  2. "Others claim that the most effective way to level up children’s health is through exercise." -> "Others contend that the most effective means of enhancing children’s health is through exercise."
    Explanation: The replacement of "level up" with "enhancing" and the use of "means" instead of "way" contribute to a more formal tone and academic style. Additionally, "contend" is a more sophisticated alternative to "claim."

  3. "In this essay, an analysis of both views will be provided, along with that is my personal opinion." -> "This essay will present an analysis of both perspectives, accompanied by my personal viewpoint."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by replacing "will be provided" with "will present," and it introduces a clearer structure by using "accompanied by" instead of "along with that is."

  4. "A healthy diet provides children with adequate vitamins and other tonics." -> "A nutritious diet supplies children with essential vitamins and nutrients."
    Explanation: The term "tonics" is replaced with "nutrients" for a more precise and formal expression, aligning with academic language.

  5. "To be specific, a kid who gets a spare diet will not be conscious enough and strong enough to respond to activities, and a kid who gets adequate substances will be active due to the nutrition provided." -> "Specifically, a child with an inadequate diet may lack the awareness and strength needed to engage in activities, whereas a child with sufficient nutritional intake is likely to be active and responsive."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates colloquial language ("a spare diet") and introduces a more formal structure while maintaining clarity.

  6. "As regards the second view, exercise has an impressive impact on children’s physical support." -> "Regarding the second perspective, exercise has a significant impact on children’s physical well-being."
    Explanation: The replacement of "As regards" with "Regarding" and the use of "physical well-being" instead of "physical support" enhance formality and precision.

  7. "Sports help children to be higher, expand, and strengthen their bone structure." -> "Engaging in sports assists children in achieving greater height, expanding their physical capabilities, and strengthening their bone structure."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and provide more specific and precise terms, such as "achieving greater height" and "physical capabilities."

  8. "By playing sports, children can prevent illnesses and avoid dangerous diseases." -> "Participating in sports enables children to prevent illnesses and mitigate the risk of serious diseases."
    Explanation: The revision uses more formal language, replacing "avoid" with "mitigate the risk of" for a nuanced and academic expression.

  9. "With regard to my own perspective, I tend to follow a balanced approach with the numerous advantages of both diet and exercise in children’s physical health and mentality." -> "Regarding my perspective, I advocate for a balanced approach, considering the myriad benefits of both diet and exercise for children’s physical health and mental well-being."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by replacing "tend to follow" with "advocate for" and introducing more precise terms like "mental well-being" instead of "mentality."

  10. "Some people state that the best way to improve children’s wellbeing is to adjust their diet quality, but some others say that exercise is the most important." -> "Some argue that optimizing children’s well-being involves improving the quality of their diet, while others emphasize the paramount importance of exercise."
    Explanation: The replacement of "state" with "argue," and the use of "optimize" and "paramount importance" contribute to a more formal and academic tone, avoiding overly simplistic language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both sides of the argument by discussing the importance of diet and exercise for children’s health. It acknowledges the differing opinions and presents the writer’s own perspective.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, provide more specific examples or evidence for each viewpoint. Support general statements with concrete details to strengthen the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing the writer’s preference for a balanced approach that considers both diet and exercise. The stance is consistently presented throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the writer’s position. Connect ideas seamlessly and avoid any ambiguous statements.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the impact of diet and exercise on children’s health. However, it could benefit from extending the discussion with more elaboration on specific benefits or consequences. For instance, expand on the claimed impact of exercise on bone structure or the benefits of a balanced approach.
    • How to improve: Include more detailed examples, statistics, or anecdotes to illustrate the points made. This will provide a richer and more persuasive argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two views and the writer’s opinion. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the vague reference to "different children with ambience."
    • How to improve: Maintain a precise focus on the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid vague or unclear statements and ensure that every point made directly relates to the topic of improving children’s health through diet and exercise.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses various aspects of the topic. To improve, the writer should focus on providing more specific examples, maintaining absolute clarity in their stance, and extending their ideas with additional details for a more compelling argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, starting with an introduction that presents both views, followed by separate paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and concluding with the author’s opinion. However, within paragraphs, there is room for improvement in the logical flow. For instance, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer progression of ideas. It starts discussing the importance of nutrition but shifts abruptly to the negative impact of a poor diet without a smooth transition.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a smooth and coherent transition between ideas within paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and maintain a consistent flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument, but the structure within paragraphs could be more effective. There is a tendency to mix different ideas within the same paragraph, leading to a lack of clarity.
    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining a clear structure within each paragraph. Start with a clear topic sentence, develop one main idea per paragraph, and use supporting details to strengthen your argument. This will enhance the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "Regarding," "As regards," "With regard to"), but there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of these devices. The transitions between sentences and ideas are at times abrupt, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns, to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to the logical progression of ideas, ensuring a seamless flow throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, there is a need for improvement in the clarity of transitions within paragraphs. Additionally, refining paragraph structure and incorporating a more diverse range of cohesive devices will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to vary word choices, the vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced. For instance, phrases like "adequate vitamins and other tonics" and "perky" are less common and could be substituted with more precise terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, incorporate more varied and specific terms. Instead of general words like "tonics," consider using terms such as nutrients or essential vitamins. Also, avoid informal expressions like "perky"; instead, opt for a more formal term like alert or energetic.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "children’s nutrition affects a lot on their health development" could be more precisely stated, perhaps as "children’s nutritional intake significantly influences their health development."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the exact meaning of the words and phrases you use. Use terms that accurately convey your intended message. Consider revising sentences to make them more concise and precise. For instance, replace vague expressions with specific terms to convey your ideas more clearly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few spelling errors, such as "ambience" instead of "ambiance." These errors do not significantly impact comprehension but can be improved for a more polished piece.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essays carefully to catch and correct spelling errors. Consider using spell-check tools or asking a peer to review your work. Additionally, focus on commonly misspelled words to enhance your overall spelling accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, improvements can be made to elevate it to a higher band score. Enhance your vocabulary by incorporating more diverse and precise terms, pay attention to the precision of your language, and ensure meticulous proofreading for spelling accuracy. These refinements will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to vary sentence length, but the structures used are somewhat repetitive. Simple and compound sentences dominate the essay, with limited use of complex structures. For instance, the essay frequently begins sentences with the subject, creating a predictable pattern.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce a variety of sentence types, including compound-complex sentences and inverted sentence structures. This can be achieved by using introductory phrases, clauses, and varying the placement of subjects and verbs.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as the phrase "Others claim that the most effective way to level up children’s health is through exercise," where the use of "level up" is informal and could be replaced with a more formal phrase like "enhance" or "improve." Additionally, there is a lack of parallelism in the sentence "To compare diet and exercise, I think it depends on other factors affecting children in different situations," which affects the clarity of the message.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on using formal language and ensure consistency in parallel structures. Revise sentences that may seem informal or colloquial, replacing them with more academic and precise language. Additionally, pay attention to maintaining parallelism in sentence constructions for clarity and coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a commendable grasp of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Diversifying sentence structures and refining language choices will contribute to a more sophisticated and coherent essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are varying opinions on the optimal means of enhancing children’s health. Some argue that a nutritious diet plays a crucial role, while others contend that exercise is the most effective. This essay will analyze both perspectives, accompanied by my personal viewpoint.

In terms of the first view, a child’s nutrition significantly influences their health development. A healthy diet ensures that children receive essential vitamins and other nutrients, enabling them to be robust enough for daily activities. Conversely, a child with an inadequate diet may lack the awareness and strength needed to engage in activities, leading to decreased alertness. To be more specific, a child with a deficient diet may not be conscious enough and strong enough to respond to activities, whereas a child with sufficient nutritional intake is likely to be active and responsive.

Regarding the second perspective, exercise has a notable impact on children’s physical well-being. Engaging in sports contributes to increased height, expanded physical capabilities, and strengthened bone structure. Moreover, participating in sports enables children to prevent illnesses and mitigate the risk of serious diseases. Additionally, exercise helps children relax after extended periods of studying, promoting overall well-being.

In terms of my perspective, I advocate for a balanced approach, considering the myriad benefits of both diet and exercise for children’s physical health and mental well-being. To compare diet and exercise, I believe it depends on various factors affecting children in different situations.

In conclusion, the debate over whether a nutritious diet or exercise is more crucial for children’s health persists. Some argue for optimizing children’s well-being by improving the quality of their diet, while others emphasize the paramount importance of exercise. From my standpoint, the benefits of both diet and exercise are equal, and the choice may vary based on individual circumstances and preferences.

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