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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It would be argued by some that the most effective method to enhance community health is by increasing the quantity of sport amenities. In my opinion, however, this activity alone would not be enough to make an impact on our social health and public health education might be a better solution.
On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some believe that more sports facilities should be constructed to improve public health. The first reason is that the expansion of sports amenities would give the citizens more opportunities to engage in a variety of distinct sports clubs or classes such as yoga clubs, dancing classes or table tennis clubs… As a result, they could enhance their personal health. Moreover, people could easily choose their own favorite sport which suited with their personality, age, physical health, or even their budget thanks to the increase in distinct of sports facilities. Take my family as an example, while my father is very interested in playing golf, I feel this sport is quite boring compared to another sports like soccer or tennis.
On the other hand, I would argue that the most decisive element of doing exercise is not dependent on the numerous sports amenities. Instead, the awareness of the public in improving their own health is the most essential factor. For example, when a child understands about the adverse effects of tabaco, he or she would be less likely to smoke in the future. Consequently, Public campaigns and health protection programs need to be increased to equip the citizens with sufficient knowledge about protecting their health effective and avoiding from other health potential problems.
In conclusion, although some people think that the best method to enhance social health is the increase in the number of sports amenities, I personally believe that health awareness education is the most decisive factor in improving the citizens health.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It would be argued by some that" -> "Some argue that"
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "Some argue that" maintains a formal tone while eliminating unnecessary passive construction.

  2. "this activity alone would not be enough" -> "solely relying on this measure would be insufficient"
    Explanation: Replacing "this activity alone would not be enough" with "solely relying on this measure would be insufficient" adds precision and formality to the expression.

  3. "to make an impact on our social health" -> "to significantly influence our societal well-being"
    Explanation: Substituting "to make an impact on our social health" with "to significantly influence our societal well-being" provides a more formal and precise expression of the intended meaning.

  4. "number of reasons" -> "various reasons"
    Explanation: Changing "number of reasons" to "various reasons" adds sophistication and avoids the potential vagueness associated with an unspecified quantity.

  5. "distinct sports clubs or classes" -> "varied sports clubs or classes"
    Explanation: Replacing "distinct sports clubs or classes" with "varied sports clubs or classes" maintains clarity while using a more refined term.

  6. "such as yoga clubs, dancing classes or table tennis clubs…" -> "such as yoga clubs, dance classes, or table tennis clubs."
    Explanation: Correcting the list punctuation and replacing "dancing classes" with "dance classes" enhances the grammatical accuracy and formality of the sentence.

  7. "personal health" -> "individual well-being"
    Explanation: Substituting "personal health" with "individual well-being" elevates the language and aligns with a more formal register.

  8. "suited with their personality" -> "aligned with their personality"
    Explanation: Changing "suited with their personality" to "aligned with their personality" improves precision and formality.

  9. "Take my family as an example" -> "For instance, consider my family"
    Explanation: "Take my family as an example" is replaced with "For instance, consider my family" for a more formal and academic expression.

  10. "decisive element of doing exercise" -> "crucial aspect of exercising"
    Explanation: Substituting "decisive element of doing exercise" with "crucial aspect of exercising" improves clarity and formalizes the language.

  11. "not dependent on the numerous sports amenities" -> "not contingent solely on the abundance of sports facilities"
    Explanation: Replacing "not dependent on the numerous sports amenities" with "not contingent solely on the abundance of sports facilities" adds precision and formality.

  12. "the awareness of the public" -> "public awareness"
    Explanation: Changing "the awareness of the public" to "public awareness" streamlines the expression and aligns with a more standard usage.

  13. "adverse effects of tabaco" -> "negative effects of tobacco"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling "tabaco" to "tobacco" and changing "adverse effects of tobacco" to "negative effects of tobacco" enhances accuracy and formality.

  14. "protecting their health effective" -> "effectively protecting their health"
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "effectively protecting their health" maintains proper word order and improves the overall flow of the sentence.

  15. "and avoiding from other health potential problems" -> "and preventing other potential health issues"
    Explanation: Replacing "and avoiding from other health potential problems" with "and preventing other potential health issues" offers a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the idea of increasing sports facilities to improve public health and presenting a counterargument that emphasizes the importance of health education. Relevant examples, such as diverse sports clubs and personal experiences, support the discussion.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more specific examples of health education programs or campaigns. This will add depth to your argument and strengthen your position.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, asserting that health education is more crucial than merely increasing sports facilities. The position is consistently articulated and reinforced with supporting points.
    • How to improve: Continue emphasizing the chosen perspective and ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall clarity of your stance. This can be achieved by explicitly stating your position in the introduction and conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and elaborates on ideas effectively, providing reasons for both viewpoints. Specific examples, such as different sports clubs and the impact of health education on tobacco use, enhance the depth of the discussion.
    • How to improve: To further enrich your essay, consider incorporating additional examples or case studies related to health education. This will reinforce your argument and demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two views presented in the prompt. However, there is a slight deviation in the introduction where the author introduces the idea that sports facilities alone would not be enough. While this is relevant, it could be more smoothly integrated into the main body.
    • How to improve: To improve coherence, ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Integrate the idea about the limitations of sports facilities more seamlessly into the body paragraphs, connecting it explicitly to the broader discussion of public health improvement.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, demonstrating a clear position with well-supported ideas. To improve, focus on providing more specific examples, reinforcing the chosen stance throughout, incorporating additional details related to health education, and seamlessly integrating all points to enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the two views, followed by body paragraphs that present arguments supporting and opposing the idea of increasing sports facilities for public health. The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s opinion. However, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, a clearer transition sentence between the first and second body paragraphs would enhance the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider incorporating transition sentences that guide the reader from one point to the next. For instance, a sentence at the end of the introduction that clearly states the intention to discuss arguments in favor and against increasing sports facilities can provide a smoother transition into the body paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the second body paragraph is quite lengthy, covering multiple points in a single paragraph. Breaking it down into smaller paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument, would improve clarity and readability.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs. Each paragraph could address a specific reason why increasing sports facilities may or may not be effective. This would make the argumentation more digestible for the reader and help maintain focus.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "moreover," "for example"). However, the variety could be expanded for a smoother flow. Additionally, there’s room for improvement in the way cohesive devices are integrated into sentences.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. Furthermore, ensure that these devices are seamlessly integrated into sentences to enhance the overall coherence. For instance, instead of using "Moreover" at the beginning of a sentence, try integrating it within the sentence for a more natural flow. Example: "Furthermore, people could easily choose their own favorite sport…"

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes words and phrases appropriate for the topic, such as "expand," "distinct sports clubs," and "adverse effects." However, there is room for improvement in introducing more sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to health, public awareness, and physical activities. For instance, replacing common words with more nuanced alternatives like "proliferate" instead of "expand" or using terms like "comprehensive health initiatives" instead of "health protection programs" can contribute to a broader vocabulary range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where words could be chosen more precisely. For example, the phrase "most decisive element" could be refined to convey a stronger sense of importance.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this case, replacing "most decisive element" with "crucial factor" would enhance precision. Also, be cautious of repetitively using certain terms (e.g., "health") and explore synonyms for variety and clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an acceptable level of spelling accuracy, with minor errors such as "tabaco" instead of "tobacco" and "health effective" instead of "effectively."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider using tools like spell checkers and seeking feedback from peers to minimize spelling errors. Specifically, focus on mastering the correct spellings of crucial terms related to the essay topic.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a reasonable level of lexical resource, refining vocabulary precision and accuracy will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished piece.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of sentence structures. A variety of structures are employed, including complex sentences and compound sentences. There is a mixture of simple and complex ideas presented, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences. Vary the length of sentences for a more engaging and dynamic flow. Additionally, pay attention to the balance between simple and complex structures to maintain clarity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the overall clarity. For instance, in the phrase "It would be argued by some," the passive construction may be refined for more direct expression.
    • How to improve: Review the essay for instances of awkward phrasing and ensure that verb tenses are consistently used. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and refine sentences for smoother transitions. Additionally, consider using more varied punctuation for emphasis and clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a varied use of sentence structures. To enhance the essay further, focus on refining grammatical accuracy, particularly in addressing minor errors and awkward phrasing. Additionally, experiment with a wider range of sentence structures to add complexity and depth to the presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that the most effective way to enhance community health is by increasing the quantity of sports facilities. However, I believe that solely relying on this measure would be insufficient to significantly influence our societal well-being, and public health education might be a better solution.

On one hand, proponents of more sports facilities argue that the expansion would provide citizens with more opportunities to engage in various sports clubs or classes, such as yoga clubs, dance classes, or table tennis clubs. This variety allows individuals to choose activities aligned with their personality, age, physical health, or budget, ultimately contributing to their personal well-being. For instance, in my family, my father’s interest in golf contrasts with my preference for more dynamic sports like soccer or tennis.

On the other hand, I contend that the crucial aspect of exercising is not contingent solely on the abundance of sports facilities. Instead, the key lies in raising public awareness about the importance of personal health. For example, when a child comprehends the negative effects of tobacco, they are less likely to smoke in the future. Therefore, it is essential to increase public awareness through campaigns and health protection programs, equipping citizens with sufficient knowledge to effectively protect their health and prevent potential issues.

In conclusion, while some believe that increasing the number of sports amenities is the best method to enhance social health, I personally believe that health awareness education is the most decisive factor in improving citizens’ health. Various reasons support the idea that a well-rounded approach, combining sports facilities and public health education, is crucial for the overall well-being of our society.

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