Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion ?
Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion ?
Some people agree that the biggest environmental issue today is flora and fauna loss. However, many others contend that some issues are more important to biodiversity in the world. While both viewpoints are valid, I prefer the latter and will analyze both views in the following essay.
There are convincing reasons why some opine that plant and animal loss is the biggest problem. Firstly, the number of illegal poachers is on the increase. Some animals on the verge of extinction like elephants, tigers, rhino, … are being hunted by humans for their ivory and horns for profit. These actions have a significant impact on the ecosystem around the world, disrupting the ecological balance. Furthermore, human deforestation also has an impact on the habitat of animals and the living atmosphere of humans. For example, many trees are being cut down for industrial and agricultural purposes. As a result, there are not enough trees to regulate breathing and prevent soil erosion.
However, I would argue that there are environmental issues that require immediate attention. One of these is global warming, which is the primary cause of natural disasters. For example, when temperature rises, many types of phenomena like weather events like heat waves or cyclones and disasters such as floods or droughts also happen frequently. Moreover, changing weather can lead to the risk of potential loss of live, the economy of a country.
In conclusion, it is true that the loss of animals and plants should be paid great attention to, but I still opine that there are more immediate issues, such as global warming.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people agree" -> "Some individuals contend"
Explanation: Replacing "Some people agree" with "Some individuals contend" elevates the formality and specificity of the statement, aligning better with academic writing standards. -
"the biggest environmental issue today" -> "the most pressing environmental issue of the present day"
Explanation: "The most pressing environmental issue of the present day" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the urgency and contemporary relevance of the topic. -
"flora and fauna loss" -> "the loss of flora and fauna"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "loss" clarifies the noun phrase, making it grammatically correct and more formal. -
"many others contend" -> "others argue"
Explanation: "Others argue" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase than "many others contend," which is somewhat redundant. -
"I prefer the latter" -> "I advocate for the latter"
Explanation: "I advocate for the latter" is more assertive and formal, suitable for academic discourse. -
"on the verge of extinction" -> "on the brink of extinction"
Explanation: "On the brink of extinction" is a more precise and formal expression commonly used in academic and scientific contexts. -
"for their ivory and horns for profit" -> "for their ivory and horns, primarily for profit"
Explanation: Adding "primarily" clarifies the motivation behind the poaching, enhancing the precision of the statement. -
"have a significant impact" -> "significantly impact"
Explanation: "Significantly impact" is a more concise and formal way to express the effect, aligning better with academic style. -
"human deforestation" -> "human-induced deforestation"
Explanation: "Human-induced deforestation" specifies the cause more clearly and accurately, enhancing the academic tone. -
"the living atmosphere of humans" -> "the environmental conditions for human habitation"
Explanation: "The environmental conditions for human habitation" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact of deforestation on human living conditions. -
"not enough trees to regulate breathing" -> "insufficient tree cover to regulate atmospheric conditions"
Explanation: "Insufficient tree cover to regulate atmospheric conditions" is a more scientifically accurate and formal expression, avoiding the colloquialism "regulate breathing." -
"weather events like heat waves or cyclones" -> "weather events such as heatwaves or cyclones"
Explanation: Using "such as" instead of "like" and capitalizing "heatwaves" adheres to formal writing standards and enhances clarity. -
"changing weather can lead to the risk of potential loss of live" -> "climate change poses a risk of potential loss of life"
Explanation: "Climate change poses a risk of potential loss of life" is more precise and formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "changing weather" with "climate change," which is the scientifically accepted term. -
"the economy of a country" -> "national economies"
Explanation: "National economies" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more general "the economy of a country." -
"I still opine" -> "I still maintain"
Explanation: "I still maintain" is a more formal and assertive expression, fitting the academic tone better than "I still opine," which is somewhat informal and less definitive.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding environmental problems, discussing the loss of species and other significant issues like global warming. The introduction clearly states that both views will be analyzed, fulfilling the requirement to discuss both perspectives. However, the discussion of the loss of species is somewhat limited and could benefit from more depth. For instance, while the essay mentions poaching and deforestation, it does not explore the broader implications of biodiversity loss on ecosystems or human life.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more comprehensive examples and explanations regarding the impact of species loss. Including statistics or studies that highlight the consequences of biodiversity loss could strengthen the argument. Additionally, a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints would help in showcasing the complexity of the issue.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that global warming is a more pressing issue than species loss. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, especially in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the two viewpoints could be smoother, as the shift from one perspective to the other feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, reiterating the main position in the body paragraphs can reinforce the writer’s stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both viewpoints but lacks sufficient elaboration and support. For instance, while the argument about global warming is introduced, it could be extended with more detailed examples or statistics to illustrate its urgency. The mention of natural disasters is relevant but could be further developed to show the direct impact on human lives and economies.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to include more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating data or expert opinions can lend credibility to the arguments. Additionally, using specific case studies or real-world examples can help illustrate the points more vividly.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the environmental issues of species loss and global warming. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the phrase "the risk of potential loss of live" is vague and could be interpreted in various ways, which detracts from the overall clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates to the main question. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each statement clearly supports the main argument will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements or unnecessary details can help tighten the focus.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from more depth in the discussion of both viewpoints, smoother transitions, and stronger support for the ideas presented. By addressing these areas, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the two viewpoints and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the loss of species, while the second focuses on global warming. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother, as the shift from discussing biodiversity loss to global warming feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the loss of species, you could use a phrase like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to signal the shift to the opposing viewpoint. Additionally, summarizing the key points at the end of each section can reinforce the logical flow.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph is focused on a single aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more structured development of ideas. For instance, the mention of "changing weather" could be better integrated into the discussion of global warming.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, in the second body paragraph, a sentence like "Global warming poses significant threats that overshadow species loss" would clarify the focus. Additionally, ensure that each point within the paragraph is elaborated upon with examples or explanations to provide depth.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "However," and "Moreover," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "these actions have a significant impact" could be more explicitly linked to the previous sentence discussing poaching.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "In addition," "Consequently," or "As a result" to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help to maintain cohesion without repetitive phrasing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but there are opportunities for refinement in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and cohesiveness.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "flora and fauna," "illegal poachers," and "ecological balance." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "environmental issues" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "environmental issues," alternatives like "ecological challenges" or "environmental concerns" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific terms related to biodiversity and conservation could further diversify the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the living atmosphere of humans" is vague and could be better articulated. The term "living atmosphere" does not clearly convey the intended meaning, which may confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity. Instead of "living atmosphere," a more precise phrase like "human living conditions" or "habitat for human life" would enhance understanding. Additionally, ensuring that terms accurately reflect the context—such as using "biodiversity loss" instead of "plant and animal loss"—would strengthen the argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "live" in "potential loss of live" should be "life." Such mistakes can undermine the credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in thorough proofreading. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or reading the essay aloud can help identify and correct errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words related to environmental topics can bolster spelling skills.
In summary, while the essay achieves a band score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there is significant room for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can elevate their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "Firstly" and "However" effectively transitions between ideas. The sentence "While both viewpoints are valid, I prefer the latter and will analyze both views in the following essay" showcases a complex structure that adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, such as "There are convincing reasons why…" and "One of these is…," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "There are," try rephrasing to emphasize the subject or action, such as "The increasing number of illegal poachers poses a significant threat to biodiversity." Additionally, using more conditional or subjunctive structures could enhance complexity, e.g., "If we do not address these issues, the consequences could be dire."
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the risk of potential loss of live" should be corrected to "the risk of potential loss of life." Additionally, the ellipsis used in "like elephants, tigers, rhino, …" is inappropriate in formal writing; a simple comma would suffice. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation to enhance readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with word choice and punctuation. Ensure that all nouns are in their correct forms (e.g., "rhinos" instead of "rhino"). To address run-on sentences, practice breaking longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones. For example, the sentence "Moreover, changing weather can lead to the risk of potential loss of live, the economy of a country" could be revised to "Moreover, changing weather can pose risks to both human life and the economy of a country." This not only clarifies the meaning but also improves the overall flow of the essay.
By addressing these areas, the essay can enhance its grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising the band score in future assessments.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals contend that the most pressing environmental issue of our time is the loss of flora and fauna. However, many others argue that there are more significant environmental problems that demand our attention. While both viewpoints are valid, I advocate for the latter and will analyze both perspectives in the following essay.
There are compelling reasons why some believe that the loss of plant and animal species is the biggest problem. Firstly, the number of illegal poachers is on the rise. Certain species, such as elephants, tigers, and rhinos, are on the brink of extinction as they are hunted for their ivory and horns, primarily for profit. These actions significantly impact ecosystems around the world, disrupting the ecological balance. Furthermore, human-induced deforestation also affects the habitats of animals and the environmental conditions for human habitation. For instance, many trees are being cut down for industrial and agricultural purposes. As a result, there is insufficient tree cover to regulate atmospheric conditions, which can lead to issues such as soil erosion.
However, I would argue that there are environmental issues that require immediate attention. One of these is global warming, which is the primary cause of natural disasters. For example, as temperatures rise, various phenomena such as heatwaves, cyclones, and disasters like floods or droughts occur more frequently. Moreover, changing weather patterns can pose a risk of potential loss of life and can adversely affect national economies.
In conclusion, it is true that the loss of animals and plants should be given great attention, but I still maintain that there are more immediate issues, such as global warming, that require urgent action.