Some people say that video games are bad for both children and adults. Do you agree or disagree with that statement. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people say that video games are bad for both children and adults. Do you agree or disagree with that statement.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many people feel that video games are bad for children and adults. From my perspective, this is essay disagrees with the statement because there is some advantage from video games they can get. First benefit is video games can help children and adults relax, when they stress are tired, they can playing video games relax together The second one is video games can train the sensitivity, strategy game genres often require sharpness and flexibility between the eyes and the brain, help them react faster over time. Third, playing video games help them increases creativity, especially in children. This can increase the ability to recognize colors, objects, animal, etc, and can also increase creativity in thinking compared to children who only used phones watch movies on social network. No exceptions. many games for adults today are also highly tactical, always asking difficult question and chalenges that require players is to constantly think and be very sensitive. From there, player will improve their thinking and creativity. Finally, both adult and children will perseverance and improve teamwork, to clear the game will not be easy for the player, it requires the player to have perseverance meticulous strategy and after failing many times to be come a good player/ Teamwork is also an important factor including fighting games and getting to the top one requires an extremely highteam spirit. As a result, playing video games bring a lot benefits to children and adult, however do not abuse playing games too much because it can cause consequences that effect our health.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Many people feel that video games are bad for children and adults." -> "Numerous individuals contend that video games have negative effects on both children and adults."
   Explanation: Replacing "Many people feel" with "Numerous individuals contend" provides a more formal tone and avoids the casual expression "feel." Additionally, "have negative effects on both children and adults" is a clearer and more precise way to express the idea.

2. "From my perspective, this is essay disagrees with the statement because there is some advantage from video games they can get." -> "In my opinion, this essay refutes the notion because video games offer several advantages."
   Explanation: "From my perspective" can be replaced with "In my opinion" for a more formal expression. "Disagrees with the statement" can be replaced with "refutes the notion" for clearer and more precise language. "There is some advantage from video games they can get" can be streamlined to "video games offer several advantages" for clarity and conciseness.

3. "First benefit is video games can help children and adults relax, when they stress are tired, they can playing video games relax together." -> "Firstly, video games can facilitate relaxation for both children and adults. When they are stressed or fatigued, playing video games together can alleviate their tension."
   Explanation: "First benefit is" can be replaced with "Firstly" for better organization and clarity. "Help children and adults relax" is a clearer way to express the idea. "When they stress are tired" is grammatically incorrect; "when they are stressed or fatigued" is a more precise and grammatically correct phrase. "Playing video games relax together" should be "playing video games together can relax them," for clarity and correct syntax.

4. "The second one is video games can train the sensitivity, strategy game genres often require sharpness and flexibility between the eyes and the brain, help them react faster over time." -> "Secondly, video games can enhance sensory perception. Strategy games, in particular, demand keen alertness and cognitive agility, thus improving reaction times over time."
   Explanation: "The second one is" can be replaced with "Secondly" for better organization. "Train the sensitivity" can be replaced with "enhance sensory perception" for clarity. "Strategy game genres often require sharpness and flexibility between the eyes and the brain" can be streamlined to "Strategy games, in particular, demand keen alertness and cognitive agility" for clarity and conciseness.

5. "playing video games help them increases creativity, especially in children." -> "Playing video games can enhance creativity, especially in children."
   Explanation: "Help them increases" is grammatically incorrect; "increases" should be changed to "increase" for proper grammar. Simplifying the sentence structure to "Playing video games can enhance creativity" improves clarity and conciseness.

6. "This can increase the ability to recognize colors, objects, animal, etc, and can also increase creativity in thinking compared to children who only used phones watch movies on social network." -> "This can improve the ability to recognize colors, objects, animals, etc., and foster creative thinking, especially when compared to children who solely use phones to watch movies or engage in social networking."
   Explanation: "This can increase" can be replaced with "This can improve" for clearer expression. Adding commas after "colors, objects, animals" and using "etc." improves punctuation. Replacing "increase creativity in thinking" with "foster creative thinking" enhances clarity and conciseness. "Used phones watch movies on social network" should be "use phones to watch movies or engage in social networking" for grammatical correctness.

7. "No exceptions. many games for adults today are also highly tactical, always asking difficult question and chalenges that require players is to constantly think and be very sensitive." -> "Moreover, many contemporary games designed for adults are highly tactical, posing challenging questions and scenarios that necessitate constant cognitive engagement and sensitivity."
   Explanation: "No exceptions" is unnecessary in an academic context. "Many games for adults today are also highly tactical" is grammatically correct but could be improved for clarity. "Asking difficult question" should be "posing challenging questions" for proper grammar. "Chalenges" should be "challenges" for correct spelling. "Require players is to constantly think and be very sensitive" can be changed to "require players to constantly think and be very sensitive" for proper syntax.

8. "From there, player will improve their thinking and creativity." -> "As a result, players will enhance their thinking and creativity."
   Explanation: "From there, player will improve their thinking and creativity" lacks clarity and proper grammar. "From there" is vague and can be replaced with "As a result" for clearer expression. "Player" should be "players" for correct subject-verb agreement.

9. "Finally, both adult and children will perseverance and improve teamwork, to clear the game will not be easy for the player, it requires the player to have perseverance meticulous strategy and after failing many times to be come a good player/ Teamwork is also an important factor including fighting games and getting to the top one requires an extremely highteam spirit." -> "Finally, both adults and children can develop perseverance and enhance teamwork. Completing the game is not an easy feat; it demands perseverance, meticulous strategy, and resilience after facing numerous failures to become proficient players. Moreover, teamwork is crucial, especially in competitive games, where achieving the top position necessitates a high level of team spirit."
   Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and contains grammatical errors. Separating the ideas into two sentences improves clarity. "Both adult and children" should be "both adults and children" for correct grammar. "Will perseverance" should be "can develop perseverance" for proper syntax. "To clear the game will not be easy for the player" is unclear; rephrasing it to "Completing the game is not an easy feat" improves clarity. "Perseverance meticulous strategy" should be "perseverance and meticulous strategy" for proper conjunction. "After failing many times to be come a good player" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "resilience after facing numerous failures to become proficient players" is a clearer expression. "Extremely highteam spirit" should be "extremely high team spirit" for proper spacing and spelling.

10. "As a result, playing video games bring a lot benefits to children and adult, however do not abuse playing games too much because it can cause consequences that effect our health." -> "In conclusion, playing video games offers numerous benefits to both children and adults. However, excessive gaming should be avoided, as it can have detrimental effects on our health."
    Explanation: "As a result, playing video games bring a lot benefits to children and adult" lacks clarity and proper grammar. "Playing video games bring a lot benefits" should be "playing video games offers numerous benefits" for clearer expression. "To children and adult" should be "to both children and adults" for correct grammar. "However do not abuse playing games too much because it can cause consequences that effect our health" is unclear; "However, excessive gaming should be avoided, as it can have detrimental effects on our health" is a clearer expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It presents a clear stance against the statement that video games are bad for both children and adults. The reasons provided include benefits such as relaxation, sensitivity training, creativity enhancement, improvement of thinking and perseverance, and the importance of moderation due to potential health consequences.
  • How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, consider providing more nuanced arguments or counterarguments to strengthen the essay’s depth of analysis. Additionally, ensure that each point is fully developed with specific examples or evidence.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the notion that video games are detrimental to both children and adults. The stance is evident from the beginning and consistently supported throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To further improve clarity, consider refining the thesis statement to explicitly state the position and preview the main points of the argument. Additionally, reinforce the clarity of the argument by organizing the essay’s structure logically, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct supporting point.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument, including relaxation, sensitivity training, creativity enhancement, improvement of thinking and perseverance, and teamwork. However, some ideas lack development and specificity, such as the claim regarding the benefits of strategy games for adults.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more elaboration and concrete examples to support each idea. For instance, expand upon how specific types of video games contribute to each purported benefit, and cite research or studies to lend credibility to the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by addressing the question of whether video games are bad for both children and adults. However, there are minor deviations, such as the brief mention of not abusing games due to health consequences, which could be further integrated into the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points made directly contribute to the central argument. Additionally, seamlessly integrate related considerations, such as the importance of moderation, into the main discussion rather than presenting them as separate or tangential points.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues against the notion that video games are universally harmful, there is room for improvement in terms of providing more detailed support for the ideas presented, refining the thesis statement for greater clarity, and seamlessly integrating related considerations into the main argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at organization, albeit with noticeable flaws. It begins with a clear stance but lacks a coherent structure to support the argument. Ideas are presented somewhat haphazardly, resulting in a disjointed flow. For instance, the essay shifts abruptly from discussing benefits for children to benefits for adults without clear transitions or development of each point.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay could benefit from a clear and consistent structure. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Then, dedicate each body paragraph to a specific benefit of video games, ensuring a logical progression from one point to the next. Use topic sentences to introduce each paragraph’s main idea and employ transitions to smoothly connect ideas throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are poorly structured and lack coherence. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or benefit of video games, but the current paragraphing does not effectively delineate between different points. As a result, the essay feels disorganized and difficult to follow.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the essay should break down the content into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one, maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, relying primarily on simple conjunctions like "first," "second," and "finally" to connect ideas. While these devices provide some basic coherence, they are overused and lack sophistication. Additionally, there is a lack of cohesive devices within paragraphs, resulting in disjointed and choppy writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance coherence, the essay should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "in addition," "moreover," "on the other hand") and pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas. Furthermore, within paragraphs, use cohesive devices like pronouns and repetition to reinforce connections between sentences and ideas, creating a smoother and more cohesive flow of information. Additionally, consider employing more complex structures, such as parallelism and subordination, to further enhance coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "advantage," "tactical," "perseverance," and "meticulous." However, there’s room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to enhance the depth and sophistication of expression. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "video games," varying phrases like "interactive digital entertainment" or "digital gaming platforms" could enrich the lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To expand the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and domain-specific terminology. For instance, instead of "relax," one could use "unwind," "recline," or "decompress." Additionally, using more precise adjectives and adverbs can enhance the nuance of the essay’s arguments. Utilizing a thesaurus or actively seeking out new words in relevant contexts can help in this endeavor.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with moderate precision. However, there are instances where imprecise language affects clarity and effectiveness. For example, the phrase "there is some advantage from video games they can get" could be refined to specify the advantages more precisely. Additionally, the expression "always asking difficult question and challenges" lacks specificity and clarity.
  • How to improve: Aim for specificity and accuracy in word choice to convey ideas more precisely. Instead of using vague terms like "some advantage," specify the benefits derived from video games, such as cognitive enhancement, problem-solving skills, or social interaction. Likewise, when discussing challenges within games, provide concrete examples or descriptors to elucidate the nature of these challenges, enhancing the reader’s understanding.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, which detract from the overall quality of expression. Examples include "chalenges," "meticulous," "highteam," and "effect" instead of "affect." While some errors are minor, they nonetheless undermine the professionalism and credibility of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing spell-checking tools, proofreading meticulously, and familiarizing oneself with common spelling patterns and rules. Additionally, practicing writing tasks under timed conditions can help develop the ability to identify and correct spelling errors efficiently. Revisiting commonly misspelled words and actively incorporating them into writing exercises can also reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these aspects, the essay can elevate its lexical resource, thereby enhancing clarity, precision, and overall effectiveness in conveying arguments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized, albeit with some repetition and lack of variety. For example, there is frequent use of simple sentences such as "Many people feel that video games are bad for children and adults." While some attempts at complexity are made, like "From my perspective, this is essay disagrees with the statement because there is some advantage from video games they can get," they lack fluency and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentence constructions such as compound-complex sentences and varied phrases. This can be achieved by combining related ideas, utilizing transitional phrases effectively, and experimenting with different sentence beginnings. Additionally, the writer should pay attention to sentence clarity and coherence to ensure that complex structures contribute to the overall clarity and flow of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay demonstrates some grammatical accuracy, there are notable errors throughout the text. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("there is some advantage"), tense inconsistencies ("playing video games help them increases creativity"), punctuation errors (missing commas in lists, lack of commas in compound sentences), and awkward phrasing ("From my perspective, this is essay disagrees with the statement"). Additionally, there are instances of unclear antecedents and pronoun usage ("when they stress are tired").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should focus on reviewing and practicing basic grammar rules, especially regarding subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct such errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammar points can be beneficial. Finally, the writer should aim for clarity and precision in expression to avoid confusion for the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a common belief that video games are detrimental to both children and adults. However, I respectfully disagree with this notion as video games offer several advantages. Firstly, they provide a means of relaxation for both age groups. When feeling stressed or fatigued, playing video games together can help alleviate tension. Secondly, video games can improve sensory perception. Particularly, strategy games require sharp alertness and cognitive agility, thus enhancing reaction times over time. Additionally, playing video games can foster creativity, especially in children. This can aid in recognizing colors, objects, and animals, nurturing creative thinking compared to those who solely engage in passive activities like watching movies or using social networks on their phones.

Furthermore, many contemporary games designed for adults are highly strategic, presenting challenging scenarios that demand constant cognitive engagement and sensitivity. Consequently, players can enhance their thinking and creativity. Finally, both adults and children can develop perseverance and teamwork skills through gaming. Completing games requires perseverance, meticulous strategy, and resilience after facing numerous failures. Moreover, teamwork is essential, especially in competitive games where achieving top positions demands high levels of team spirit.

In conclusion, playing video games offers numerous benefits to both children and adults. However, it’s important to avoid excessive gaming as it can have detrimental effects on health.