Some people think parents should focus on children’s physical health, and helping them with mental health is unnecessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is thought that parents should concentrate on children’s physical health instead of mental health as it is not imperative. While I agree with the first opinion, I believe that children’s mental health has the same importance as the physical one.

On the one hand, keeping an eye on children’s physical health indeed improves child development, thus making them more sociable. This is because when parents encourage their children to enroll in outdoor activities, especially team sports, children will learn how to communicate with teammates and corporate to win competitions. For example, through team sports such as football or basketball, children will become more active and sociable as they have to communicate regularly. Besides, a good physical health also prevents children from some diseases. To illustrate, if children eat in moderation with a balanced diet, the needed nutrition will promote the immune system to be better. Consequently, children will be less likely to have diseases relating to the immune system like pneumonia.

On the other hand, the main reason for parents to care about their children’s mental health is that it plays a significant role in child development. First, it enhances the academic performance of children at school. This is because when children face no anxiety or pressure , they will focus more on lessons at classes and understand them. As a result, their results at school will be improved gradually. Furthermore, having a comfy mental health also guides children to overcome fears. To illustrate, if parents are always by their side and support them to deal with difficulties like isolation or social awkwardness, children will be more self- confident and feel inspired.

In conclusion, I believe that parents should care about their children’s physical health as well as mental health. By boosting the academic performance which is necessary at schools and motivating children to overcome fears, mental health is totally crucial to be paid attention to.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is thought that" -> "It is believed that"
Explanation: "It is believed that" is a more formal and precise expression commonly used in academic writing to introduce a general opinion or belief.
"concentrate on" -> "focus on"
Explanation: "Focus on" is more specific and academically appropriate than "concentrate on" in this context, implying a deliberate and directed effort.
"as it is not imperative" -> "as it is not essential"
Explanation: "Essential" is more precise and formal than "imperative," which can imply a sense of urgency that may not be intended here.
"keeping an eye on" -> "monitoring"
Explanation: "Monitoring" is a more formal and precise term than the colloquial "keeping an eye on," which is better suited for academic writing.
"indeed improves" -> "indeed enhances"
Explanation: "Enhances" is a more specific term that better fits the context of improving child development, making it more precise and formal.
"making them more sociable" -> "promoting their sociability"
Explanation: "Promoting their sociability" is a more formal and precise way to describe the development of social skills in children.
"corporate to win competitions" -> "collaborate to achieve success"
Explanation: "Collaborate" is the correct term for working together in a team, and "achieve success" is more formal than "win competitions," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"a good physical health" -> "good physical health"
Explanation: "Good physical health" is grammatically correct and more concise, avoiding the awkward construction of "a good physical health."
"the needed nutrition will promote the immune system to be better" -> "adequate nutrition enhances the immune system"
Explanation: "Adequate nutrition enhances the immune system" is a more direct and academically appropriate way to express the effect of nutrition on health.
"less likely to have diseases relating to the immune system" -> "less susceptible to immune-related diseases"
Explanation: "Less susceptible to immune-related diseases" is a more precise and formal way to describe the reduced risk of illness.
"it plays a significant role in child development" -> "it plays a crucial role in child development"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a stronger and more formal term than "significant," emphasizing the importance of mental health in child development.
"face no anxiety or pressure" -> "experience no anxiety or pressure"
Explanation: "Experience" is more appropriate than "face" in this context, as it directly relates to the emotional state of the children.
"comfy mental health" -> "comfortable mental health"
Explanation: "Comfortable" is the correct adjective form to describe mental health, whereas "comfy" is too informal and colloquial for academic writing.
"totally crucial to be paid attention to" -> "highly important to address"
Explanation: "Highly important to address" is a more formal and precise way to emphasize the necessity of attention to mental health, avoiding the colloquial "totally crucial."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a balanced view on the importance of both physical and mental health for children. The writer acknowledges the perspective that prioritizes physical health while clearly stating their agreement with the notion that mental health is equally important. This dual focus is evident in the structure of the essay, where both sides are explored in separate paragraphs. However, the introduction could have been clearer in explicitly stating the extent of agreement or disagreement, as it currently suggests partial agreement without fully clarifying the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the introduction should explicitly state whether the writer fully agrees, partially agrees, or disagrees with the notion that mental health is unnecessary. A more definitive statement would strengthen the response to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both physical and mental health are important, but the initial statement could lead to some confusion regarding the writer’s stance. The transition between discussing physical health and mental health is smooth, but the initial agreement with the idea that mental health is "not imperative" may create ambiguity about the writer’s overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should avoid phrasing that suggests agreement with the idea that mental health is less important. Instead, they could rephrase the introduction to emphasize that both aspects are crucial, thereby eliminating any potential confusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, with clear examples illustrating the benefits of both physical and mental health. For instance, the discussion of team sports effectively highlights the social benefits of physical activity, while the points about academic performance and overcoming fears provide strong support for the importance of mental health. However, some points could be further developed. For example, the connection between physical health and disease prevention could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the writer should consider adding more detailed examples or data to support their claims. This could involve citing studies or statistics related to the impact of mental health on academic performance or the long-term benefits of physical health.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the importance of both physical and mental health without deviating into unrelated areas. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, the phrase "not imperative" in the introduction could be seen as a slight deviation from the main focus, as it introduces a notion that could be interpreted as dismissive of mental health.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, the writer should avoid language that could undermine the importance of mental health. Instead, they should frame the discussion in a way that emphasizes the equal importance of both aspects from the outset, ensuring that the reader understands the essay’s central argument without ambiguity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument, clarifying the position in the introduction, enhancing the depth of examples, and ensuring consistent language regarding the importance of mental health would elevate the overall quality and coherence of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The argument is logically organized, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the topic. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the importance of physical health, while the second focuses on mental health. This clear separation allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother, as the shift from physical to mental health feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the two ideas. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "While physical health is crucial, it is equally important to consider the mental well-being of children" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which contributes to its overall coherence. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples and explanations. The introduction sets up the argument well, and the conclusion summarizes the key points succinctly. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly outline the main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "In addition to physical health, mental health is equally vital for a child’s overall development." This would help reinforce the structure and guide the reader more effectively through the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "for example," and "in conclusion." These phrases help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, the use of more complex conjunctions or linking words could improve the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating phrases like "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. For example, when transitioning from discussing physical health to mental health, using "Moreover" or "Additionally" could enhance the cohesion between the two paragraphs.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "imperative," "sociable," and "nutrition." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "keeping an eye on" and "good physical health" are somewhat colloquial and could be replaced with more formal alternatives. Additionally, the use of "comfy" to describe mental health is informal and detracts from the overall tone of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and more academic expressions. For example, instead of "keeping an eye on," one could use "monitoring" or "overseeing." Instead of "comfy mental health," consider using "positive mental well-being" or "sound mental health." Regular reading of academic articles or essays can help in acquiring a broader vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "corporate to win competitions" is likely a typographical error, where "cooperate" was intended. Additionally, the phrase "the needed nutrition will promote the immune system to be better" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. It would be beneficial to proofread the essay for typos and to ensure that the intended meaning is conveyed accurately. For instance, rephrasing "the needed nutrition will promote the immune system to be better" to "adequate nutrition will enhance the immune system’s function" would improve clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with only minor errors present. However, there are a few instances where spelling mistakes could hinder comprehension, such as "a good physical health" which should be "good physical health" (removing the article "a").
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reading extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. It is also advisable to review the essay for grammatical structures and ensure that articles are used correctly.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "while I agree with the first opinion, I believe that children’s mental health has the same importance as the physical one" showcases the ability to connect contrasting ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "This is because" or "To illustrate," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using more complex clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "This is because," alternatives like "One reason for this is…" or "An important factor contributing to this is…" can be employed. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences could further enrich the essay’s grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that impact clarity. For example, the phrase "a good physical health" should be corrected to "good physical health" as "health" is an uncountable noun. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary space before the comma in "pressure , they will focus more" and the inconsistent use of commas in lists, which can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review common grammatical rules, particularly regarding noun usage and punctuation. Practicing the correct use of articles and ensuring that commas are placed correctly will enhance clarity. Reading essays aloud can help identify awkward phrasing or punctuation errors. Furthermore, consider using grammar-checking tools to catch mistakes before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is believed that parents should focus on children’s physical health instead of mental health, as it is not essential. While I agree with the first opinion, I believe that children’s mental health is equally important as their physical well-being.

On the one hand, monitoring children’s physical health indeed enhances their development, thus promoting their sociability. This is because when parents encourage their children to participate in outdoor activities, especially team sports, they learn how to communicate with teammates and collaborate to achieve success. For example, through team sports such as football or basketball, children become more active and sociable as they have to interact regularly. Additionally, good physical health also prevents children from various diseases. To illustrate, if children maintain a balanced diet with adequate nutrition, it enhances their immune system, making them less susceptible to immune-related diseases like pneumonia.

On the other hand, the main reason for parents to care about their children’s mental health is that it plays a crucial role in their overall development. First, it enhances the academic performance of children at school. This is because when children experience no anxiety or pressure, they can focus more on lessons in class and understand them better. As a result, their academic results improve gradually. Furthermore, comfortable mental health also helps children overcome fears. For instance, if parents are always by their side and support them in dealing with difficulties such as isolation or social awkwardness, children will become more self-confident and feel inspired.

In conclusion, I believe that parents should care about their children’s physical health as well as their mental health. By promoting academic performance, which is necessary in schools, and motivating children to overcome fears, mental health is indeed highly important to address.