Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Some people say that competition at work, at school and in daily life is better than cooperate with each other, and the other do not agree with it.so today I will talk about both views and give my opinion.

Firstly, competition is the event that you join in and fight will the other competitors. It helps you a lot of things like make new friends learn more about that competition, sometime it can challenge you to try harder in that competition. But if you tend to win that competition it can be feel lonely because you are focus to take the prize of that competition you can lose your friend it can be more worse when you lose that competition. I think we should not be so serious in a competition or sad when we lose just be happy because you try your best beside that you also making a lot of new friends.

With the cooperate it like you and your friends talks together to make a work or a decision it a good way to you get to know more about your friends or you can find the similar in you and your friends personalities. But, just like a competition, cooperate also have a bad side which is you can be so depend on your friends and vice versa, you will be so lazy that you cannot make thing by your own self. And when you guys do not have a same view in that problems you guys will hate each other.

I think nothing is good 100% so that you need to balance between cooperate and competition so you can learn more and have fun with your friends in competiton.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some people say" -> "Some individuals argue"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "argue" is a more precise verb than "say" in academic contexts, indicating a more structured debate.
"cooperate with each other" -> "collaborate with one another"
Explanation: "Collaborate" is more specific and academically appropriate than "cooperate" in the context of working together effectively, and "one another" is more formal than "each other" in academic writing.
"the other do not agree" -> "others do not concur"
Explanation: "Others" is grammatically correct and more formal than "the other," and "concur" is a more precise term than "agree" in formal writing.
"Firstly" -> "First"
Explanation: "Firstly" is not typically used in academic writing; "First" is sufficient and more formal.
"join in and fight will the other competitors" -> "participate in and compete with other competitors"
Explanation: "Participate in" is more precise than "join in," and "compete with" is the correct preposition for competition, replacing the incorrect "will" with "with."
"It helps you a lot of things" -> "It offers numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Offers numerous benefits" is more formal and precise than "helps you a lot of things," which is vague and informal.
"make new friends learn more about that competition" -> "make new friends and learn more about the competition"
Explanation: Adding "and" corrects the grammatical structure, and using "the" before "competition" is necessary for clarity and formality.
"sometime it can challenge you" -> "it can sometimes challenge you"
Explanation: "It can sometimes challenge you" corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the flow of the sentence.
"can be feel lonely" -> "can feel lonely"
Explanation: "Can be feel" is grammatically incorrect; "can feel" is the correct form.
"you are focus to take the prize" -> "you become focused on winning the prize"
Explanation: "Become focused on" is grammatically correct and more formal than "are focus to take," which is awkward and incorrect.
"it can be more worse" -> "it can be even worse"
Explanation: "Even worse" is the correct comparative form, enhancing the formal tone and accuracy.
"just be happy because you try your best" -> "simply be content with your efforts"
Explanation: "Simply be content with your efforts" is more formal and academically appropriate than "just be happy because you try your best," which is overly casual.
"it a good way to you get to know more about your friends" -> "it is a good way for you to get to know your friends better"
Explanation: "It is a good way for you to get to know your friends better" corrects the grammatical structure and adds clarity and formality.
"cooperate also have a bad side" -> "collaboration also has its drawbacks"
Explanation: "Collaboration has its drawbacks" is more precise and formal than "cooperate also have a bad side," which is awkward and informal.
"you can be so depend on your friends" -> "you can become overly dependent on your friends"
Explanation: "Become overly dependent" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of excessive reliance.
"you cannot make thing by your own self" -> "you cannot accomplish anything on your own"
Explanation: "Accomplish anything on your own" is grammatically correct and more formal than "make thing by your own self," which is incorrect and informal.
"nothing is good 100%" -> "nothing is perfect"
Explanation: "Perfect" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "100%," which is overly simplistic and informal.
"in competiton" -> "in competitions"
Explanation: "Competitions" is the correct plural form, necessary for consistency and grammatical accuracy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding competition and cooperation, but it lacks depth and clarity. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly delineate the two perspectives. The discussion of competition is somewhat vague and does not fully explore its advantages and disadvantages. Similarly, the section on cooperation is underdeveloped and lacks specific examples to illustrate the points made. For instance, the mention of making friends through competition is a good start, but it could be expanded with more concrete examples or scenarios.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should clearly outline both perspectives in separate paragraphs, providing specific examples for each. Additionally, a more balanced exploration of the pros and cons of both competition and cooperation would enhance the response. Consider using topic sentences to introduce each viewpoint clearly.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a personal opinion at the end, suggesting a balance between competition and cooperation. However, the position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The initial discussion seems to favor competition, while the conclusion suggests a more nuanced view. This inconsistency can confuse the reader about the writer’s actual stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and refer back to it throughout the essay. Each paragraph should connect back to this central idea, reinforcing the writer’s stance while discussing both perspectives.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat simplistic and lack sufficient development. For example, the benefits of competition are mentioned, but they are not elaborated upon with examples or evidence. The same applies to the discussion of cooperation, which is limited to general statements without substantial support. The essay does not effectively extend the ideas presented, leading to a lack of depth.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and explanations for each point made. Incorporating real-life scenarios or studies could strengthen the arguments. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help in logically extending ideas and connecting them to the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing competition and cooperation. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of competition, where the writer shifts to personal feelings rather than maintaining a more objective analysis. The phrase "you can lose your friend" introduces a personal element that detracts from the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should stick to discussing the broader implications of competition and cooperation rather than personal anecdotes. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the prompt can help keep the writing on track.

Overall, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should focus on providing clearer structure, more detailed arguments, and maintaining a consistent position throughout the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic structure, discussing competition and cooperation in separate paragraphs. However, the logical flow is somewhat disrupted. For instance, the transition between the discussion of competition and cooperation lacks clarity, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The introduction states the intention to discuss both views but does not clearly outline the points that will be made, leading to a lack of coherence in the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should consider using a clear outline before writing. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. Additionally, transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "In contrast," "Furthermore") can help guide the reader through the argument and clarify the relationship between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure is not fully effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly separate the two views. The second and third paragraphs discuss competition and cooperation, respectively, but they could benefit from clearer topic sentences and concluding statements that summarize the main points. The final paragraph attempts to present a personal opinion but lacks a strong conclusion that ties back to the discussion.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single idea and include a clear topic sentence. For example, the paragraph on competition could start with, "Competition can foster personal growth and new friendships," followed by supporting details. The final paragraph should summarize the discussion and restate the writer’s opinion more clearly, reinforcing the balance between competition and cooperation.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "but" and "and," but these are overused and do not effectively connect ideas. The lack of variety in cohesive devices leads to a choppy reading experience. For example, the phrase "it can be feel lonely" is awkward and lacks cohesion with the preceding sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Additionally," "Moreover," or "Conversely" can help create smoother transitions between ideas. The writer should also pay attention to grammatical accuracy, ensuring that phrases are correctly structured (e.g., "it can feel lonely" instead of "it can be feel lonely").

By addressing these areas of improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion, leading to a more effective and engaging argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "join in and fight with the other competitors" and "making a lot of new friends" show an effort to convey ideas. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks sophistication, as seen in the repeated use of "competition" and "friends."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "competition," alternatives like "rivalry" or "contest" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "collaborate" instead of "cooperate" would add variety and depth to the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "cooperate" is incorrectly used as "cooperate with each other," which should be "cooperation." Phrases like "it can be feel lonely" and "you are focus to take the prize" are awkward and unclear, detracting from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of saying "it can be feel lonely," a more precise expression would be "it can lead to feelings of loneliness." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and reading varied texts can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cooperate" (should be "cooperation"), "the other do not agree" (should be "the others do not agree"), and "competiton" (should be "competition"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure.

Overall, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to discuss both views, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay primarily employs simple sentence structures, such as "Some people say that competition at work, at school and in daily life is better than cooperate with each other." This sentence lacks complexity and variety. The use of compound sentences is minimal, and there are few instances of more complex structures that could enhance the writing. For example, the phrase "it can be feel lonely because you are focus to take the prize" contains errors and could be restructured for clarity and complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, instead of saying "But if you tend to win that competition it can be feel lonely," a more complex structure could be: "While winning a competition can bring a sense of achievement, it may also lead to feelings of loneliness due to the potential loss of friendships." Practicing sentence variety through exercises that focus on combining sentences and using subordinate clauses will help improve this aspect.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "the other do not agree with it" should be "the others do not agree with it." Additionally, the phrase "cooperate with each other" should be "cooperation" for grammatical consistency. Punctuation is also lacking; for instance, there are missing commas that could clarify meaning, such as in "But if you tend to win that competition it can be feel lonely" where a comma after "competition" would improve readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and proper use of articles. Regular grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing rules regarding comma usage and practicing with sentence separation will help improve clarity. For example, revising sentences to ensure proper punctuation can make the writing more coherent: "But if you tend to win that competition, it can feel lonely because you are focused on taking the prize."

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should work on varying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on specific areas of weakness will be essential for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is better than collaborating with one another, while others do not concur. Today, I will discuss both views and provide my opinion.

First, competition is an event where you participate in and compete with other competitors. It can help you in many ways, such as making new friends and learning more about the competition. Sometimes, it can challenge you to try harder. However, if you become overly focused on winning the prize, it can feel lonely, as you might lose sight of your friendships. This feeling can be even worse when you lose the competition. I believe we should not take competitions too seriously or feel sad when we do not win; instead, we should simply be content with our efforts, as we also have the opportunity to make many new friends.

On the other hand, collaboration involves you and your friends working together to make decisions or complete tasks. It is a good way for you to get to know your friends better and discover similarities in your personalities. However, just like competition, collaboration also has its drawbacks. You can become overly dependent on your friends, which may lead to laziness, making it difficult for you to accomplish anything on your own. Additionally, when you and your friends do not share the same views on certain issues, it can create tension and conflict.

In conclusion, I think nothing is perfect, and both competition and collaboration have their advantages and disadvantages. Therefore, it is essential to find a balance between the two, allowing you to learn more and have fun with your friends in competitions.