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Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development while others believe that other factors (friends, television, music …) have a stronger effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development while others believe that other factors (friends, television, music …) have a stronger effect. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is believed by many that loved ones exert the most significant influence on a child’s growth. Others argued that this effect is attributed to factors such as friends or the media. In my opinion, even though social factors play an important role in a child’s development, family still outweighs them in many degrees.
To begin with, family is the primary social unit in a child’s life. From birth, children are immersed in their family environment, where they adopt values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions. In addition, parents are the first and most influential role models for children, as their actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions shape a child’s early experience. Plus, family dynamics, including parenting style and the quality of the relationship within a family, can greatly impact a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills.
On the other hand, external influences have a major effect on a child in their later years. As children grow older, they spend a considerable amount of time interacting with their peers, consume more media, and engage in broader society. Hence, friends play a vital role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can alter their actions or choices. Additionally, television or social platforms such as the internet, expose children to various ideas, values, and cultural references, which can greatly impact their perspective and development.
In conclusion, a child's growth is a multi-faceted process influenced by a wide range of internal and external factors. I, however, lean toward the family aspect as it contains the most prominent elements contributing to children’s development by shaping their mind, behaviors, and values.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is believed by many that loved ones exert the most significant influence on a child’s growth."
    -> "Many believe that family members wield the most substantial influence on a child’s development."
    Explanation: Replacing "It is believed by many that loved ones exert the most significant influence on a child’s growth" with "Many believe that family members wield the most substantial influence on a child’s development" introduces a more assertive tone and eliminates unnecessary passive construction.

  2. "Others argued that this effect is attributed to factors such as friends or the media."
    -> "Others argue that this phenomenon stems from factors like friendships or media exposure."
    Explanation: Changing "Others argued that this effect is attributed to factors such as friends or the media" to "Others argue that this phenomenon stems from factors like friendships or media exposure" maintains present tense and a more direct style, contributing to a more academic tone.

  3. "family still outweighs them in many degrees."
    -> "family still holds greater sway in numerous respects."
    Explanation: Replacing "family still outweighs them in many degrees" with "family still holds greater sway in numerous respects" conveys the idea more precisely and uses a more sophisticated expression, aligning better with academic style.

  4. "From birth, children are immersed in their family environment, where they adopt values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions."
    -> "From infancy, children are immersed in their familial surroundings, absorbing values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions."
    Explanation: Changing "From birth, children are immersed in their family environment, where they adopt values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions" to "From infancy, children are immersed in their familial surroundings, absorbing values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions" enhances precision and employs a more formal term, "familial surroundings."

  5. "parents are the first and most influential role models for children, as their actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions shape a child’s early experience."
    -> "Parents serve as the primary and most influential role models for children, molding their early experiences through actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions."
    Explanation: Replacing "parents are the first and most influential role models for children, as their actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions shape a child’s early experience" with "Parents serve as the primary and most influential role models for children, molding their early experiences through actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions" maintains clarity while utilizing more formal language.

  6. "family dynamics, including parenting style and the quality of the relationship within a family, can greatly impact a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills."
    -> "Family dynamics, encompassing parenting style and the quality of intrafamilial relationships, can significantly influence a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills."
    Explanation: Changing "family dynamics, including parenting style and the quality of the relationship within a family, can greatly impact a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills" to "Family dynamics, encompassing parenting style and the quality of intrafamilial relationships, can significantly influence a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills" introduces a more comprehensive and formal description.

  7. "On the other hand, external influences have a major effect on a child in their later years."
    -> "Conversely, external influences exert a significant impact on a child during their formative years."
    Explanation: Replacing "On the other hand, external influences have a major effect on a child in their later years" with "Conversely, external influences exert a significant impact on a child during their formative years" improves the transition and employs more formal language.

  8. "they spend a considerable amount of time interacting with their peers, consume more media, and engage in broader society."
    -> "they invest a significant amount of time interacting with peers, consuming media, and participating in broader societal activities."
    Explanation: Changing "they spend a considerable amount of time interacting with their peers, consume more media, and engage in broader society" to "they invest a significant amount of time interacting with peers, consuming media, and participating in broader societal activities" maintains clarity and uses a more formal phrase, "invest a significant amount of time."

  9. "Hence, friends play a vital role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can alter their actions or choices."
    -> "Therefore, friends play a pivotal role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can influence their actions or choices."
    Explanation: Replacing "Hence, friends play a vital role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can alter their actions or choices" with "Therefore, friends play a pivotal role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can influence their actions or choices" maintains logical progression and uses a more formal term, "pivotal."

  10. "expose children to various ideas, values, and cultural references, which can greatly impact their perspective and development."
    -> "expose children to diverse ideas, values, and cultural references, significantly influencing their perspective and development."
    Explanation: Changing "expose children to various ideas, values, and cultural references, which can greatly impact their perspective and development" to "expose children to diverse ideas, values, and cultural references, significantly influencing their perspective and development" introduces a more specific and impactful description.

  11. "I, however, lean toward the family aspect as it contains the most prominent elements contributing to children’s development by shaping their mind, behaviors, and values."
    -> "I, however, lean towards the familial aspect, considering it the primary source of influential elements shaping children’s minds, behaviors, and values."
    Explanation: Replacing "I, however, lean toward the family aspect as it contains the most prominent elements contributing to children’s development by shaping their mind, behaviors, and values" with "I, however, lean towards the familial aspect, considering it the primary source of influential elements shaping children’s minds, behaviors, and values" maintains clarity and utilizes a more formal term, "familial aspect."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both views (family being the primary influence and other factors like friends, television, and music having a significant effect) and provides a clear opinion on the matter. Relevant sections supporting these points are present, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.
    • How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect. The essay adequately covers all components of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The introduction clearly states the author’s opinion that family has a greater influence on a child’s development. Each subsequent paragraph supports this position with well-structured arguments and examples, making it easy for the reader to follow the author’s viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider incorporating a thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly outlines the author’s position and the main reasons supporting it.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides a well-organized structure with detailed explanations for both views and the author’s opinion. Examples, such as the impact of family dynamics on a child’s emotional well-being, are well-elaborated, enhancing the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
    • How to improve: No specific improvement is needed in this area. However, to further enhance the essay, consider providing additional examples or counterarguments to make the discussion more nuanced.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the influence of family and other external factors on a child’s development. However, it briefly mentions the impact of external factors on a child’s later years, which could be seen as a slight deviation from the main focus on development during childhood.
    • How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus, ensure that all points directly relate to the child’s development during their formative years. If discussing the impact of external factors in later years, explicitly connect it back to how these experiences might have roots in childhood development.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively develops ideas, and presents a clear and well-supported position. Consider refining the introduction for added clarity and ensuring that all points directly align with the developmental aspects discussed in childhood.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, presenting the two viewpoints, and the body paragraphs follow a coherent structure. The first body paragraph focuses on the influence of family, followed by the consideration of external factors in the second paragraph. The conclusion summarizes the main points effectively.
    • How to improve: While the logical flow is present, the essay could benefit from a more explicit and nuanced transition between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the progression of ideas more smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct aspect of the argument. There is a clear separation between the discussion of family influence and external factors, contributing to the overall readability.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraph coherence, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that aligns with the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, maintain a consistent structure within each paragraph to reinforce organization.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "To begin with," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this effect," "these ideas"). These devices help connect ideas and create a smooth flow between sentences and paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To further enrich cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "however," "although") and synonyms to avoid repetition. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and varied writing style.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To improve, focus on refining the transition between paragraphs, ensuring topic sentences are explicit, and expanding the range of cohesive devices for a more polished and varied presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, especially in discussing the role of family and external influences. However, some repetition is evident, and there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary. For instance, the repeated use of the word "influence" and "development" could be addressed for a more nuanced expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score, consider incorporating a wider array of synonyms and exploring more precise vocabulary choices. For example, instead of repeatedly using "influence," you could use terms like "impact," "shape," or "mold." Additionally, varying sentence structures and expressions will contribute to a richer vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary. However, there are instances where the meaning could be refined for greater clarity. For example, in the sentence, "Even though social factors play an important role in a child’s development," the term "social factors" could be specified for a more precise description.
    • How to improve: Focus on specifying terms and avoiding broad or ambiguous phrases. Instead of "social factors," specify which aspects such as cultural exposure, societal norms, or interpersonal relationships. This will add precision and depth to your vocabulary, contributing to a more refined expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances of incorrect word choices that could be addressed. For example, in the sentence, "It is believed by many that loved ones exert the most significant influence," the word "exert" might be a less common choice compared to "have" in this context.
    • How to improve: While spelling accuracy is generally good, pay attention to word choices as well. Opt for commonly used expressions to ensure clarity and precision. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help catch any instances of less common or misplaced words. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing spell-check tools for further assurance.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. The writer employs complex sentences, such as "From birth, children are immersed in their family environment, where they adopt values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions," showcasing an ability to construct sentences with multiple clauses. Additionally, the use of transitional phrases like "To begin with" and "On the other hand" contributes to the coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally exhibits a wide range of structures, there is room for improvement in incorporating more complex syntactical structures. Consider experimenting with different sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add further depth and sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a high level of grammatical accuracy. Phrases like "as their actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions shape a child’s early experience" showcase correct parallel structure. Punctuation is mostly accurate, with appropriate use of commas, periods, and colons.
    • How to improve: While the essay maintains a strong grasp of grammar and punctuation, ensure consistent attention to detail. For instance, in the sentence "In my opinion, even though social factors play an important role in a child’s development, family still outweighs them in many degrees," the use of "many degrees" might be better expressed as "in various aspects" for greater precision. Always proofread to catch minor errors and refine sentence structures for optimal clarity.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical proficiency with a varied range of sentence structures. To enhance the overall quality, consider refining specific expressions for greater precision and experimenting with more intricate sentence constructions.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many believe that family members wield the most substantial influence on a child’s development. Others argue that this phenomenon stems from factors like friendships or media exposure. In my opinion, even though social factors play a crucial role in a child’s development, family still holds greater sway in numerous respects.

From infancy, children are immersed in their familial surroundings, absorbing values, behaviors, social norms, and traditions. Parents serve as the primary and most influential role models for children, molding their early experiences through actions, attitudes toward others, and interactions. Family dynamics, encompassing parenting style and the quality of intrafamilial relationships, can significantly influence a child’s emotional well-being, cognitive development, and social skills.

Conversely, external influences exert a significant impact on a child during their formative years. They invest a significant amount of time interacting with peers, consuming media, and participating in broader societal activities. Therefore, friends play a pivotal role in a child’s socialization process, and peer pressure can influence their actions or choices. External factors also expose children to diverse ideas, values, and cultural references, significantly influencing their perspective and development.

In conclusion, a child’s growth is a multi-faceted process influenced by a wide range of internal and external factors. While external influences become more pronounced as children grow older, I still lean towards the familial aspect, considering it the primary source of influential elements shaping children’s minds, behaviors, and values.

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