Some people think that it is better for older schoolchildren to study a large number of subjects and develop a range of knowledge. Others argue that they should study a smaller number of subjects and focus on details. Discuss both these views and give your own ideas. Write 250 words

Some people think that it is better for older schoolchildren to study a large number of subjects and develop a range of knowledge. Others argue that they should study a smaller number of subjects and focus on details.
Discuss both these views and give your own ideas.
Write 250 words

One of topics releated to studing includes whether it is better for older schoolchildren to study enormous of subjects and improve knowledge, while other opinion that they should study a smaller number of subject and focus on details. From my perspective , I agree with the ideal that older schoolchildren should study fewer subjects.
When it come to this topic, many people think that older schoolchildren should study more and more subjects will help us enhance of the knowledge, this curriculum more and more increase knowledge will find out hobby , specialization of each person and encourage the development a broad range of skills such as critical thinking and creativity study blend of broaden their perspectives, we're share time in the day and must be clear strategies. Although they were quiet high age who need to a more profound understanding.
However, this line of reasoning is not sound because advocates for a focused curriculum believe that concentrating on fewer subjects allows for deeper understanding and mastery. Focus on study one subject in the time, it help us deeply explore the significance of knowledge and discover new insights. A moderate amount of knowledge allows us to learn more comfortably without feeling overwhelmed. For example, in some developed country, older adults there continue to learn. However they have regulations thatblimit the subjects for older leaners due to various health and cognitive reasons. Learning fewer subjects but thoughly understanding the knowledge is better than studying superficially.
In conclusion, Learning is very important at any age especially for older schoolchildren. The learning methods mentioned are all beneficial and enhance skills, but studing fewer subjects will better ensure quality and suitable with them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "One of topics releated to studing" -> "One of the topics related to studying"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling errors ("releated" to "related" and "studying" to "studying") and adding the definite article "the" before "topics" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances readability.

2. "enormous of subjects" -> "a large number of subjects"
   Explanation: "Enormous of subjects" is grammatically incorrect. "A large number of subjects" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "study a smaller number of subject and focus on details" -> "study fewer subjects and focus on details"
   Explanation: "Fewer" is the correct comparative form for countable nouns like "subjects," and "study" should be plural to match the subject-verb agreement.

4. "From my perspective, I agree with the ideal that" -> "From my perspective, I agree with the view that"
   Explanation: "Ideal" is incorrectly used here; "view" is the correct term to express an opinion or perspective in formal writing.

5. "When it come to this topic" -> "When it comes to this topic"
   Explanation: Correcting the verb "come" to "comes" fixes the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.

6. "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge" -> "this curriculum increasingly enhances knowledge"
   Explanation: "Increase" is not the correct verb form here; "enhances" is more precise and academically appropriate. Also, "more and more" is informal; "increasingly" is more formal.

7. "will find out hobby" -> "will discover their interests"
   Explanation: "Find out hobby" is grammatically incorrect and vague. "Discover their interests" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

8. "encourage the development a broad range of skills" -> "encourage the development of a broad range of skills"
   Explanation: Adding "of" after "development" corrects the grammatical structure and ensures clarity.

9. "study blend of broaden their perspectives" -> "study that broadens their perspectives"
   Explanation: "Blend of broaden" is grammatically incorrect. "That broadens" is the correct form, aligning with the passive voice used in the sentence.

10. "we’re share time in the day" -> "we share our time each day"
    Explanation: "We’re" is a contraction and is too informal for academic writing. "We share our time each day" is grammatically correct and formal.

11. "must be clear strategies" -> "must have clear strategies"
    Explanation: Adding "have" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and precise.

12. "quiet high age" -> "advanced age"
    Explanation: "Quiet high age" is unclear and informal. "Advanced age" is a more precise and formal term.

13. "a more profound understanding" -> "a deeper understanding"
    Explanation: "Profound" is not incorrect but "deeper" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe the level of understanding.

14. "advocates for a focused curriculum believe" -> "advocates of a focused curriculum believe"
    Explanation: Adding "of" after "advocates" corrects the prepositional phrase, making the sentence grammatically correct and clear.

15. "Focus on study one subject in the time" -> "Focusing on one subject at a time"
    Explanation: "Focus on study one subject in the time" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Focusing on one subject at a time" is grammatically correct and clearer.

16. "it help us deeply explore" -> "it helps us to deeply explore"
    Explanation: "It help" should be "It helps" for subject-verb agreement, and "to" is needed to introduce the infinitive verb phrase "to deeply explore."

17. "thoughly understanding the knowledge" -> "thorough understanding of the knowledge"
    Explanation: "Thoughly" is not a word; "thorough" is the correct adjective. Also, "of the knowledge" is necessary for grammatical correctness.

18. "studing fewer subjects will better ensure quality and suitable with them" -> "studying fewer subjects will better ensure quality and suitability for them"
    Explanation: "Studing" is a typo; "studying" is the correct form. "Suitable with them" is grammatically incorrect; "suitability for them" is the correct phrase.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding whether older schoolchildren should study a large number of subjects or focus on a smaller number. However, the discussion is somewhat imbalanced. The first viewpoint is introduced but lacks sufficient development and clarity. For instance, the phrase "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge will find out hobby" is confusing and does not clearly articulate the benefits of studying many subjects. The second viewpoint is presented more clearly, but it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the reasons behind focusing on fewer subjects.
  • How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints. Each perspective should be elaborated with clear examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the benefits of studying a wide range of subjects, the writer could include specific skills or knowledge areas that are enhanced by this approach.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is stated in the introduction, indicating a preference for studying fewer subjects. However, the clarity of this position is undermined by the convoluted language and structure used throughout the essay. Phrases like "this line of reasoning is not sound" introduce ambiguity regarding the writer’s stance, as it could imply a dismissal of the opposing view without sufficient justification.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using clear transitional phrases that link back to the main argument and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to supporting that position. Additionally, summarizing the stance in the conclusion can help reinforce clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks depth and support. For example, the argument for studying fewer subjects is mentioned but not sufficiently extended or supported with concrete examples. The mention of "developed country" regulations is vague and does not provide a clear connection to the argument being made. The ideas presented often feel rushed and underdeveloped, leading to a lack of persuasive power.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This can include providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the benefits of each viewpoint. Additionally, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, but there are moments where the focus becomes unclear. For instance, phrases like "we’re share time in the day and must be clear strategies" detract from the main argument and introduce confusion. The essay also includes some grammatical errors that can distract from the overall message.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague or unclear phrases and ensuring that each point is relevant to the discussion will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy can enhance clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt, it requires more clarity, balance, and depth in its arguments to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents two contrasting views regarding the number of subjects older schoolchildren should study. The first paragraph introduces the topic and states the writer’s perspective clearly. However, the organization within the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph attempts to argue for studying more subjects but lacks a clear structure, making it difficult to follow the argument. The second body paragraph is more coherent, presenting a counterargument effectively, but it could benefit from clearer transitions between ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that summarizes the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each supporting sentence directly relates to the topic sentence. Using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "In contrast" can help clarify shifts between opposing viewpoints.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphing could be more effective. The first paragraph is somewhat cluttered with ideas that could be broken down into smaller, more focused paragraphs. The second body paragraph is better structured but could still benefit from clearer delineation of points.
  • How to improve: Aim for one main idea per paragraph. For example, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the benefits of studying many subjects and another addressing the drawbacks. This would allow for a more detailed exploration of each point and improve overall clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "for example," which help connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the phrase "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge" lacks clarity and cohesion, making it difficult for the reader to understand the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity. Revising sentences for grammatical accuracy will also improve cohesion, as clearer sentences naturally connect better.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of education. Phrases such as "broaden their perspectives," "critical thinking," and "specialization" indicate an effort to incorporate relevant terms. However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "enormous of subjects" and "improve knowledge," which detract from the overall effectiveness of the vocabulary used.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. For example, instead of "enormous of subjects," they could use "a wide array of subjects" or "a multitude of subjects." Additionally, integrating more academic vocabulary and idiomatic expressions relevant to education could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances where vocabulary is used imprecisely. For example, "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The phrase "focus on study one subject in the time" is also awkward and lacks clarity. The use of "ideal" in "I agree with the ideal" is incorrect; "idea" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. They can improve precision by revising sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness. For instance, changing "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge" to "this curriculum increasingly enhances knowledge" would clarify the intent. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises can also help in selecting the right words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple spelling errors, such as "releated," "studing," "subject," "thoughly," and "thatblimit." These errors hinder readability and demonstrate a lack of attention to detail in spelling.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reinforce correct spelling. Engaging in regular writing practice and reviewing feedback on spelling can also contribute to improvement.

Overall, while the essay shows promise in its attempt to address the prompt and use relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling that need to be addressed to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge will find out hobby" and "Focus on study one subject in the time" show attempts at complexity but ultimately lack clarity and coherence. The use of phrases such as "older schoolchildren should study more and more subjects" indicates a repetitive structure that does not enhance the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For instance, using relative clauses (e.g., "which allows for deeper understanding") or conditional sentences (e.g., "If students focus on fewer subjects, they may achieve mastery") can add variety. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or dependent clauses) can enhance the flow and engagement of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "One of topics releated to studing" should be "One of the topics related to studying," and "this curriculum more and more increase knowledge will find out hobby" is grammatically incorrect and confusing. There are also issues with punctuation, such as missing commas that could clarify sentence structure (e.g., "From my perspective, I agree with the ideal that older schoolchildren should study fewer subjects").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms. Practicing sentence construction and reviewing grammar rules can help. For punctuation, the writer should pay attention to the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to separate clauses and enhance readability. Additionally, using resources like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to present both sides of the argument, improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical precision will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

One of the topics related to studying includes whether it is better for older schoolchildren to study a large number of subjects and develop a range of knowledge, while others argue that they should study a smaller number of subjects and focus on details. From my perspective, I agree with the view that older schoolchildren should study fewer subjects.

When it comes to this topic, many people believe that studying a larger number of subjects will help enhance knowledge. This curriculum increasingly enhances knowledge and allows students to discover their interests, specialization, and encourages the development of a broad range of skills such as critical thinking and creativity. A blend of subjects can broaden their perspectives, but we must also share our time each day effectively and have clear strategies. Although they are of an advanced age, they still need a deeper understanding of the subjects.

However, this line of reasoning is not entirely sound because advocates of a focused curriculum believe that concentrating on fewer subjects allows for deeper understanding and mastery. Focusing on one subject at a time helps us to deeply explore the significance of knowledge and discover new insights. A moderate amount of knowledge allows students to learn more comfortably without feeling overwhelmed. For example, in some developed countries, older students continue to learn, but there are regulations that limit the subjects for older learners due to various health and cognitive reasons. Studying fewer subjects but thoroughly understanding the knowledge is better than studying superficially.

In conclusion, learning is very important at any age, especially for older schoolchildren. The learning methods mentioned are all beneficial and enhance skills, but studying fewer subjects will better ensure quality and suitability for them.