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Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic classes. They think music and sports classes are not useful and should be omitted from the primary school curriculum. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people think that schools should concentrate on academic classes. They think music and sports classes are not useful and should be omitted from the primary school curriculum. Do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is true that many people indeed believe that science subjects and social subjects have become more important. Therefore, they want to eliminate sports and incompulsory classes from the primary school curiculum to learn main subject better. However, I personally disagree with the above statement. I believe that studying all subjects can help children develop necessary skills.
On the one hand, music and art and physical activity classes can help children improve their mental health and entertainment. Furthermore, it also support them reduce stress and children’s all-round development. For instance confidence, painting, communication skills. In addition, it also helps children have motivate study and create excitement while study that help them think more richly, more interestingly, and they can easily create new products. If children know how to balance study and entertainment, it brings many significant benefits.
On the other hand, according to almost people’s think, I also agree that this problem has positive drawback for students. Learning music and sport in school is not really useful in many cases and cannot suitable for all students. In some cases, students are limited in their voice ability, health or in sports, for example, they are good at badminton but do badly in swimming. Moreover, studying many subjects will waste a lot of time, causing students to not have enough time to do homework.
In summary, I convince that learning music and sports from the primary education program may bring many benefits to children. The most important thing is that students can develop their full potential from those subjects.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "many people indeed believe" -> "many individuals indeed believe"
    Explanation: Replacing "people" with "individuals" refines the tone to a more formal academic style, enhancing the precision of the language used in the essay.

  2. "incompulsory classes" -> "optional classes"
    Explanation: The term "incompulsory" is incorrect as it means compulsory, which is the opposite of what the sentence intends to convey. "Optional" correctly conveys that the classes are not required.

  3. "learn main subject better" -> "improve their academic performance"
    Explanation: "Learn main subject better" is vague and informal. "Improve their academic performance" is more precise and academically appropriate, clearly indicating the intended outcome.

  4. "I personally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
    Explanation: "Personally" is somewhat informal and can be seen as subjective. "Strongly" is more assertive and suitable for academic writing, indicating a clear stance.

  5. "music and art and physical activity classes" -> "music, art, and physical education classes"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and uses "physical education" which is the more formal term in academic contexts.

  6. "help children improve their mental health and entertainment" -> "enhance children’s mental well-being and provide entertainment"
    Explanation: "Entertainment" is not typically used in this context; "provide entertainment" is more appropriate. "Enhance children’s mental well-being" is a more precise and formal way to describe the positive impact on mental health.

  7. "it also support them reduce stress" -> "it also helps them reduce stress"
    Explanation: "Support" is not the correct verb in this context; "helps" is the correct verb to use with "reduce stress."

  8. "children’s all-round development" -> "children’s overall development"
    Explanation: "All-round" is less formal and slightly archaic; "overall" is more contemporary and suitable for academic writing.

  9. "have motivate study" -> "motivate their studies"
    Explanation: "Have motivate study" is grammatically incorrect. "Motivate their studies" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the intended meaning.

  10. "think more richly, more interestingly" -> "think more deeply and creatively"
    Explanation: "Think more richly, more interestingly" is awkward and unclear. "Think more deeply and creatively" is clearer and more academically appropriate.

  11. "they can easily create new products" -> "they can easily generate innovative ideas"
    Explanation: "Create new products" is too broad and informal; "generate innovative ideas" is more specific and academically precise.

  12. "according to almost people’s think" -> "according to most people’s opinion"
    Explanation: "Almost people’s think" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "According to most people’s opinion" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

  13. "positive drawback" -> "positive aspect"
    Explanation: "Positive drawback" is a contradiction in terms. "Positive aspect" correctly conveys a beneficial outcome.

  14. "Learning music and sport in school is not really useful" -> "Learning music and sports in school is not particularly useful"
    Explanation: "Sport" should be pluralized to "sports" to match the plural "music." "Not really useful" is informal; "not particularly useful" is more precise and formal.

  15. "cannot suitable for all students" -> "may not be suitable for all students"
    Explanation: "Cannot suitable" is grammatically incorrect. "May not be suitable" corrects the grammar and softens the statement to reflect the conditional nature of the claim.

  16. "waste a lot of time" -> "consume a significant amount of time"
    Explanation: "Waste a lot of time" is informal and vague. "Consume a significant amount of time" is more formal and precise.

  17. "I convince" -> "I am convinced"
    Explanation: "I convince" is incorrect as it implies the author is doing the convincing, which is not the intended meaning. "I am convinced" correctly expresses the author’s opinion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that music and sports classes should be omitted from the primary school curriculum. The author acknowledges the opposing viewpoint but effectively argues for the inclusion of these subjects by highlighting their benefits. However, the response could have been more robust by explicitly stating the reasons for the disagreement in a more structured manner. For instance, while the essay mentions benefits such as mental health improvement and skill development, it could have better articulated how these benefits directly counter the argument for elimination.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly addressed. This could involve clearly outlining the reasons for disagreement in the introduction and summarizing them in the conclusion. Additionally, providing specific examples or evidence to support the claims made would strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the elimination of music and sports classes. However, there are moments where the phrasing, such as "according to almost people’s think," introduces ambiguity. The phrase suggests a concession to the opposing viewpoint, which could confuse the reader regarding the author’s stance. The inconsistency in the expression of agreement and disagreement can detract from the overall clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the author should avoid ambiguous phrases and ensure that the language consistently reflects their disagreement with the prompt. Using definitive language and reinforcing the main argument throughout the essay will help maintain clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of music and sports, such as mental health improvement and skill development. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the mention of "confidence, painting, communication skills" lacks context and explanation, making it difficult for the reader to understand the connection to the argument. Additionally, the argument about the drawbacks of music and sports classes is introduced but not sufficiently elaborated upon.
    • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or evidence. For instance, discussing how participation in sports can lead to teamwork skills or how music education can enhance cognitive abilities would provide a stronger foundation for the argument. Each idea should be clearly linked back to the main thesis to reinforce the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of music and sports in the primary school curriculum. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing the limitations of students in music and sports. While this point is relevant, it could be perceived as a deviation from the main argument advocating for the inclusion of these subjects.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly support the central argument. If discussing limitations, it would be beneficial to frame these points in the context of how schools can accommodate diverse abilities rather than suggesting that these subjects should be eliminated. Keeping the discussion tightly aligned with the prompt will enhance coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in clarity, development, and focus. By addressing these aspects, the author can enhance the effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction outlines the main argument, while each body paragraph addresses different perspectives on the topic. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the benefits of music and sports in the first body paragraph and the counterargument in the second is somewhat abrupt. The ideas in the first body paragraph are not fully developed, and the connection to the main argument could be clearer.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point is fully elaborated before moving on to the next. Using linking phrases such as "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" can help create smoother transitions between ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph serving a distinct purpose. However, the second body paragraph lacks clarity and coherence. The phrase "according to almost people’s think" is awkward and unclear, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument. Furthermore, the points made in this paragraph are somewhat disjointed and could benefit from clearer connections.
    • How to improve: Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. Consider revising the second body paragraph to clarify the argument against music and sports classes. Using clear examples and explanations will help strengthen the argument and improve coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help to contrast different viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel disconnected. For example, the use of "In addition" and "Moreover" is somewhat repetitive, and the essay could benefit from a wider variety of linking words and phrases.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of connectors, such as "furthermore," "however," "consequently," and "for instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance the clarity and flow of ideas. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help improve their effectiveness in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on logical organization, paragraph clarity, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "mental health," "all-round development," and "significant benefits." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "study" and "subjects." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the overall lexical richness. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "study," alternatives like "learn," "engage with," or "explore" could be employed.
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should actively practice using synonyms and related terms. Engaging with vocabulary exercises or reading diverse materials can help in acquiring new words and phrases. Additionally, incorporating more academic or topic-specific vocabulary related to education, psychology, and personal development would elevate the essay’s lexical variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "incompulsory classes," which is an awkward phrasing. The term "incompulsory" is not standard; "non-core classes" or "elective classes" would be more appropriate. Furthermore, phrases like "positive drawback" are contradictory and confusing. The phrase "support them reduce stress" lacks grammatical accuracy and clarity.
    • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing vocabulary in context and ensuring that terms are used correctly. Utilizing a thesaurus can help find more precise words, but it is essential to ensure that the chosen words fit the context appropriately. Practicing writing with feedback from peers or teachers can also help identify and correct imprecise usage.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "curiculum" (curriculum) and "motivate" (motivated). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings. While some words are spelled correctly, the presence of multiple errors indicates a need for improvement in spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch spelling mistakes. Reading more can also improve spelling, as it reinforces correct word forms and spellings in the writer’s mind. Utilizing spell-check tools during the writing process can also aid in identifying errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on precise word choice, and practicing spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the writer uses simple sentences such as "I believe that studying all subjects can help children develop necessary skills," alongside more complex structures like "If children know how to balance study and entertainment, it brings many significant benefits." However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of variety in conjunctions and clauses, which limits the overall complexity. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" is effective in organizing the argument but could be complemented with more varied transitional phrases.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice integrating different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, conditional clauses) and varying sentence lengths. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "I believe" or "On the one hand," the writer could use phrases like "It is essential to note that…" or "In contrast to this view…" to introduce new ideas. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses can add depth to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, "incompulsory classes" should be "non-core classes," and "curiculum" is a misspelling of "curriculum." The phrase "support them reduce stress" should be "support them in reducing stress." Additionally, the sentence "For instance confidence, painting, communication skills" lacks proper structure and punctuation; it should be rephrased for clarity, such as "For instance, these classes can enhance skills such as confidence, painting, and communication." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in lists and before conjunctions.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and correct preposition usage. Practicing the correct use of punctuation, especially in complex sentences and lists, will enhance clarity. It may also be beneficial to review the rules for using commas, particularly in compound and complex sentences. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct these errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that many individuals indeed believe that science subjects and social subjects have become more important. Therefore, they want to eliminate sports and optional classes from the primary school curriculum to learn the main subjects better. However, I personally disagree with this statement. I believe that studying all subjects can help children develop necessary skills.

On the one hand, music, art, and physical education classes can help children improve their mental well-being and provide entertainment. Furthermore, they also support them in reducing stress and contribute to children’s overall development. For instance, these subjects can enhance confidence, painting skills, and communication abilities. In addition, they help motivate children’s studies and create excitement while learning, which helps them think more deeply and creatively, allowing them to easily generate innovative ideas. If children know how to balance study and entertainment, it brings many significant benefits.

On the other hand, according to most people’s opinion, I also agree that this problem has a positive aspect for students. Learning music and sports in school is not particularly useful in many cases and may not be suitable for all students. In some cases, students are limited in their vocal ability, health, or sports skills; for example, they may be good at badminton but do poorly in swimming. Moreover, studying many subjects can consume a significant amount of time, causing students not to have enough time to do homework.

In summary, I am convinced that learning music and sports from the primary education program may bring many benefits to children. The most important thing is that students can develop their full potential through these subjects.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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