some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree?

It is widely argued that the high rate of obesity among children is attributed to the government. I disagree with this point of view and believe that parents should take the most responsibility for this phenomenon because of their flawed control of youngsters' diets and smartphone utilization. This essay will provide reasons to interpret my standpoint.
Parents contribute to the rising rates of obese children in the sense that they fail to treat their childs with healthy and balanced diets. In particular, many adults take little notice of the significance of a wholesome regimen and indulge children by allowing them tremendous access to high-calories food such as fried chicken, hamburger. Moreover, the value of nutritious vegetables is often ignored, leading to the high intake of starch and fat, and a low consumption of fibre sustenance. A case in point is that many households in Vietnam have a tendency of buying coca cola, a frizzy drink containing high calories amounts, every month to fulfill their children's palate, giving rise to increasing levels of obesity annually.
Another reason why youngsters are becoming overweight is their unlimited use of technological handsets. Though it is justified that parents integrate the use of phones into children's life to easily keep in contact with them, a by-product can occur on their lifestyle. This is because games and social media on phones are appealing, which drives young users addicted. In other words, they may be predisposed to the constant use of such devices all day long for entertainment, neglecting the opportunity to go out with friends and attend physical games. This unhealthy life is also the result of poor parenting styles of those who are not aware of dangerous effects of handsets. To be more specific, in Asian countries like Vietnam, China, and Japan, many families even let young members surf the internet while enjoying dinner, which forms a harmful habit and a sense of laziness.
In conclusion, I would contend that the culprit that triggers the increase in overweight children is not the government but parents who are not focusing on the food consumption and phone use of their childs.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "childs" -> "children’s"
    Explanation: The possessive form "childs" is incorrect; it should be "children’s" to indicate possession by multiple children. Using the correct possessive form maintains proper grammar and clarity in referring to the belongings or attributes related to children.

  2. "tremendous" -> "significant"
    Explanation: The word "tremendous" is less precise in this context. "Significant" better conveys the impact or extent of access to high-calorie foods, enhancing the specificity and clarity of the sentence.

  3. "frizzy" -> "fizzy"
    Explanation: "Frizzy" refers to hair texture, while "fizzy" is the correct term to describe carbonated or bubbly drinks like Coca-Cola. Using "fizzy" ensures accurate vocabulary choice regarding the drink’s characteristic.

  4. "unlimited use of technological handsets" -> "excessive reliance on technological devices"
    Explanation: "Unlimited use" might sound somewhat casual. "Excessive reliance on technological devices" better captures the idea of dependency on gadgets, aligning more with formal language and academic tone.

  5. "by-product can occur on their lifestyle" -> "side effects can impact their lifestyle"
    Explanation: "By-product" isn’t the most suitable term here. "Side effects" better articulates the unintended consequences of excessive phone usage on lifestyle, improving precision in expression.

  6. "frizzy drink containing high calories amounts" -> "carbonated beverage with high caloric content"
    Explanation: "Frizzy drink" is not the accurate term; "carbonated beverage" is more formal and precise. Additionally, "high calories amounts" should be revised to "high caloric content" for better grammatical accuracy.

  7. "young users addicted" -> "young users becoming addicted"
    Explanation: To maintain proper grammar, it’s more appropriate to use "becoming addicted" instead of "addicted" in this context to describe the ongoing process of developing an addiction.

  8. "neglecting the opportunity to go out with friends and attend physical games" -> "neglecting social interactions and physical activities"
    Explanation: This revision offers a more concise and direct way to convey the idea of missing out on socializing and engaging in physical activities due to excessive screen time.

  9. "poor parenting styles of those who are not aware of dangerous effects of handsets" -> "lack of awareness among parents regarding the detrimental effects of handheld devices"
    Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal language to describe the lack of understanding among parents regarding the negative impact of handheld devices on children.

  10. "parents who are not focusing on the food consumption and phone use of their childs" -> "parents who neglect monitoring their children’s dietary habits and phone usage"
    Explanation: The revised phrase maintains a formal tone while conveying the idea more clearly, emphasizing the neglectful behavior of parents in monitoring both their children’s diets and phone usage.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both parental responsibility for children’s diets and smartphone usage, presenting a clear stance against the idea that the government is solely responsible for the rise in child obesity. Relevant examples, such as the preference for high-calorie foods and excessive smartphone use, support the argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses the question, there could be a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing view before presenting the counterargument. This would demonstrate a nuanced understanding of the issue.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, asserting that parents, not the government, bear the primary responsibility for child obesity. Examples related to diet and smartphone use are consistently aligned with this stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction and conclusion. This can reinforce the essay’s overall coherence and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Examples, such as the neglect of nutritious vegetables and the addictive nature of smartphone games, contribute to a well-developed argument.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, consider providing additional statistics or studies related to child obesity. This would add more depth to the argument and demonstrate a broader understanding of the issue.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing parental responsibility for child obesity in the context of diet and smartphone usage. However, there are instances where the focus could be tighter, such as the mention of Asian countries in the last paragraph.
    • How to improve: Refine the discussion to maintain a sharper focus on the main points. Avoid introducing new elements that are not directly related to the established argument.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues against the idea that the government is solely responsible for the rise in child obesity. To improve, consider acknowledging the opposing view explicitly, reinforcing the thesis throughout, providing additional supporting evidence, and maintaining a tighter focus on the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction clearly states the author’s stance, and each subsequent paragraph presents a distinct reason supporting their viewpoint. However, there are moments where the flow could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing dietary habits to smartphone use is a bit abrupt, impacting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. For instance, introducing a phrase like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" when shifting from discussing diet to smartphone usage would help create a more seamless connection.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there is room for improvement in the structure of the paragraphs. Some sentences within paragraphs are lengthy, making the text dense and potentially confusing for the reader.
    • How to improve: Aim for shorter, more concise sentences to improve readability. Break down complex ideas into smaller sentences, ensuring clarity. Additionally, consider further separating ideas into distinct paragraphs to emphasize the separation of different points.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "Moreover," "In conclusion"). However, there is a need for a more varied and consistent use of cohesive devices. The connection between sentences and paragraphs can be strengthened with a wider range of linking words.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs, to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, use words like "however," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" to establish relationships between different ideas more explicitly. Additionally, ensure that the chosen cohesive devices suit the context and contribute to the overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably coherent and cohesive structure, but refinement in the use of transitions, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices would elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes some diverse terms such as "regimen," "frizzy drink," and "predisposed." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, consider integrating more sophisticated synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," you could use alternatives like "juveniles," "youth," or "offspring." Additionally, explore synonyms for common words like "contribute" or "phenomenon" to add depth to your vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "flawed control" might benefit from a more specific term, and "frizzy drink" could be clarified as "carbonated beverage."
    • How to improve: Strive for precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "flawed control," consider terms like "inadequate oversight" or "lack of regulation." Similarly, use specific terms such as "carbonated beverage" instead of "frizzy drink" to enhance clarity and accuracy.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, but there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "frizzy" instead of "fizzy." These minor errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence, but they can be improved.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your essay carefully, paying attention to commonly misspelled words. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, practice spelling challenging words to reinforce correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably effective use of vocabulary and correct spelling, there is room for improvement to achieve a higher band score. Expanding the range of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and fine-tuning spelling accuracy will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures, such as inversion or conditional sentences, to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures to elevate the essay’s sophistication. For instance, experiment with inversion for emphasis or utilize conditional sentences to express hypothetical situations.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors in subject-verb agreement and article usage. For example, "childs" should be corrected to "children," and there are inconsistencies in article usage, like "a frizzy drink" instead of "a fizzy drink."
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to subject-verb agreement and consistently use articles appropriately. Review each sentence to ensure grammatical accuracy, especially focusing on plural forms and article choices.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used accurately, but there are areas where improvement is needed. For instance, there are missing commas in certain compound sentences, affecting clarity. Additionally, the use of commas before coordinating conjunctions can be refined for better readability.
    • How to improve: Practice incorporating commas effectively in compound sentences to enhance readability. Ensure consistency in using commas before coordinating conjunctions to maintain clarity. Review punctuation rules and apply them consistently throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 6. To enhance the score, focus on diversifying sentence structures, refining grammar accuracy, and polishing punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widespread belief that the government bears responsibility for the surge in childhood obesity. However, I hold a contrary opinion, asserting that parents should shoulder the primary responsibility due to their inadequate control over their children’s diets and smartphone usage. This essay will elucidate the reasons supporting my viewpoint.

Parents play a pivotal role in the escalating rates of childhood obesity, primarily because of their neglect in providing a healthy and balanced diet to their children. Many adults overlook the importance of a wholesome diet, permitting their children unrestricted access to high-calorie foods such as fried chicken and hamburgers. Furthermore, the nutritional value of vegetables is often disregarded, resulting in elevated starch and fat intake and a deficiency in fiber consumption. For instance, in Vietnam, it is not uncommon for households to regularly purchase carbonated beverages with high caloric content, like cola, to satisfy their children’s cravings, contributing to a yearly rise in obesity levels.

Another contributing factor to the increasing prevalence of childhood obesity is the excessive use of smartphones by youngsters. While it is understandable that parents incorporate phones into their children’s lives for easier communication, unintended consequences can affect their lifestyle. The allure of games and social media on phones can lead young users to develop addictive tendencies, causing them to spend extensive periods engaged with these devices. Consequently, this excessive screen time replaces opportunities for outdoor activities and physical games with friends. This unhealthy lifestyle is often a consequence of parenting styles that overlook the detrimental effects of prolonged smartphone use. Particularly in Asian countries like Vietnam, China, and Japan, families may allow their young members to surf the internet during meals, fostering harmful habits and a sedentary lifestyle.

In conclusion, I contend that the primary factor contributing to the rise in childhood obesity is not the government but rather parents who neglect to monitor their children’s dietary habits and phone usage. It is imperative for parents to be more aware of the impact of their choices on their children’s health and take proactive measures to foster a balanced and active lifestyle.

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