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Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones in communication has negative effects on young people’s reading and writing skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that the increasing use of computers and mobile phones in communication has negative effects on young people’s reading and writing skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that young people’s reading and writing skills are being influenced seriously due to the rising use of computers and mobile phones in communication. While this idea is valid to a certain extent, I completely disagree with it for several reasons.
You should know that using technology devices in communication has disadvantages. Firstly, this can negatively affect reading skills. In fact, when people use computers or mobile phones to read a lot, they can suffer from some diseases related to their eyes such as short-sightedness. Moreover, looking at the screen also affects their brain, which gives them a headache or reduces the ability to remember the documents. In addition, writing skill is also influenced seriously. In particular, if people always write on computers or smartphones, they might tend to base on available templates created by the manufacturer. In addition, they may not write the vocabulary correctly because they often depend on technology devices instead of writing by themselves, which can lead to a decreased handwriting rate.
However, I believe that using computers and mobile phones in communication can bring more benefits than drawbacks. Firstly, about reading skills, people may study the way to skim and scan each document based on reading each day, which helps them to save quality time and not to be bored when they have to read a long text. In addition, reading on mobile phones is also quite convenient because people can store the document on their phone and read it every time, everywhere without carrying papers. Secondly, writing skills have improved such as increasing the ability to copy text. In fact, people tend to write on paper slowly because they have to edit the words to look good. However, when they write it on computers, they need not adjust the words and even write faster, which can help them to save time.
To sum up, although using technology devices can bring both positive and negative effects on young people, I believe that this has more advantages than disadvantages.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is argued that" -> "There is an argument that"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is argued that" with "There is an argument that" introduces a more formal tone to the sentence, aligning with academic conventions.

  2. "young people’s reading and writing skills" -> "the literacy skills of young individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "young people’s reading and writing skills" with "the literacy skills of young individuals" provides a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the use of colloquial terms.

  3. "completely disagree" -> "strongly disagree"
    Explanation: Replacing "completely disagree" with "strongly disagree" adds emphasis and elevates the strength of the disagreement, contributing to a more assertive academic tone.

  4. "You should know that" -> "It is important to note that"
    Explanation: Changing "You should know that" to "It is important to note that" enhances formality and emphasizes the significance of the upcoming statement.

  5. "devices in communication has disadvantages" -> "devices in communication have drawbacks"
    Explanation: Adjusting "devices in communication has disadvantages" to "devices in communication have drawbacks" ensures subject-verb agreement and maintains grammatical correctness.

  6. "In fact" -> "Furthermore"
    Explanation: Replacing "In fact" with "Furthermore" adds a transitional element that contributes to the coherence of the argument, making the progression of ideas more explicit.

  7. "looking at the screen also affects their brain" -> "screen exposure also impacts cognitive functions"
    Explanation: Changing "looking at the screen also affects their brain" to "screen exposure also impacts cognitive functions" utilizes more formal language and specifies the impact on cognitive abilities.

  8. "gives them a headache" -> "causes headaches"
    Explanation: Substituting "gives them a headache" with "causes headaches" maintains a formal tone and employs a more precise verb to describe the cause-and-effect relationship.

  9. "base on available templates created by the manufacturer" -> "rely on pre-existing templates provided by the manufacturer"
    Explanation: Adjusting "base on available templates created by the manufacturer" to "rely on pre-existing templates provided by the manufacturer" enhances clarity and formality.

  10. "may not write the vocabulary correctly" -> "may not use vocabulary accurately"
    Explanation: Changing "may not write the vocabulary correctly" to "may not use vocabulary accurately" introduces a more precise and appropriate term for expressing proficiency in language use.

  11. "because they often depend on technology devices instead of writing by themselves" -> "as they frequently rely on technological devices rather than manually writing"
    Explanation: Modifying "because they often depend on technology devices instead of writing by themselves" to "as they frequently rely on technological devices rather than manually writing" improves the precision and formality of the expression.

  12. "which can lead to a decreased handwriting rate" -> "resulting in a decline in handwriting proficiency"
    Explanation: Substituting "which can lead to a decreased handwriting rate" with "resulting in a decline in handwriting proficiency" provides a more precise and formal description of the consequence.

  13. "using computers and mobile phones in communication" -> "utilizing computers and mobile phones for communication"
    Explanation: Changing "using computers and mobile phones in communication" to "utilizing computers and mobile phones for communication" enhances formality and aligns with a more academic style.

  14. "they have to read a long text" -> "they are required to read an extensive text"
    Explanation: Replacing "they have to read a long text" with "they are required to read an extensive text" maintains formality and employs a more sophisticated expression for conveying the necessity of reading.

  15. "In addition" (second occurrence) -> "Moreover"
    Explanation: Replacing the second occurrence of "In addition" with "Moreover" contributes to the overall coherence of the essay by using a varied and appropriate transitional phrase.

  16. "people may study the way to skim and scan each document" -> "individuals may learn techniques for skimming and scanning documents"
    Explanation: Adjusting "people may study the way to skim and scan each document" to "individuals may learn techniques for skimming and scanning documents" enhances precision and academic appropriateness.

  17. "helps them to save quality time" -> "assists them in saving valuable time"
    Explanation: Substituting "helps them to save quality time" with "assists them in saving valuable time" maintains formality and employs a more sophisticated phrase for time-saving.

  18. "every time, everywhere" -> "anytime, anywhere"
    Explanation: Changing "every time, everywhere" to "anytime, anywhere" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and conventional phrase.

  19. "not to be bored" -> "to avoid boredom"
    Explanation: Adjusting "not to be bored" to "to avoid boredom" introduces a more formal and precise expression for conveying the idea of preventing boredom.

  20. "writing skills have improved such as increasing the ability to copy text" -> "writing skills have advanced, including an enhanced ability to replicate text"
    Explanation: Modifying "writing skills have improved such as increasing the ability to copy text" to "writing skills have advanced, including an enhanced ability to replicate text" provides a more detailed and formal description of the improvement in writing skills.

  21. "people tend to write on paper slowly because they have to edit the words to look good" -> "individuals often write on paper slowly as they need to carefully edit the text for aesthetic appeal"
    Explanation: Adjusting "people tend to write on paper slowly because they have to edit the words to look good" to "individuals often write on paper slowly as they need to carefully edit the text for aesthetic appeal" maintains formality and improves clarity by specifying the reason for slow writing.

  22. "they need not adjust the words" -> "they do not need to modify the words"
    Explanation: Substituting "they need not adjust the words" with "they do not need to modify the words" maintains formality and uses a more formal construction.

  23. "which can help them to save time" -> "which can contribute to time savings"
    Explanation: Changing "which can help them to save time" to "which can contribute to time savings" employs a more formal phrase for expressing the benefit of writing on computers.

  24. "To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
    Explanation: Replacing "To sum up" with "In conclusion" is a more formal way to signal the end of the essay, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  25. "more advantages than disadvantages" -> "more benefits than drawbacks"
    Explanation: Adjusting "more advantages than disadvantages" to "more benefits than drawbacks" maintains formality and uses a more precise term for expressing the overall positive aspects.

Note: The suggestions aim to enhance formality, precision, and academic appropriateness while maintaining clarity and natural language flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "While this idea is valid to a certain extent, I completely disagree with it for several reasons."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction establishes a clear stance, which is good. However, it lacks a concise preview of the essay’s structure. Including a brief outline of the main points to be discussed could enhance the essay’s clarity and coherence.
    • Improved example: "While acknowledging the validity of concerns regarding technology’s impact on reading and writing skills, I fundamentally disagree for multiple reasons. I will discuss the adverse effects on skills and then highlight the benefits technology can offer in honing these abilities."
  2. Quoted text: "In fact, when people use computers or mobile phones to read a lot, they can suffer from some diseases related to their eyes such as short-sightedness."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While acknowledging the potential negative impact on eyesight due to excessive screen time, this point lacks depth and specificity. Expanding on this by providing more concrete examples or specific eye conditions that could result from prolonged screen exposure would strengthen the argument.
    • Improved example: "Prolonged exposure to screens has been associated with various ocular issues, such as digital eye strain and myopia. For instance, research shows a correlation between excessive screen time and an increased incidence of myopia among young individuals."
  3. Quoted text: "However, I believe that using computers and mobile phones in communication can bring more benefits than drawbacks."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The transition to the author’s viewpoint is abrupt and lacks a smooth segue from discussing potential disadvantages to outlining the benefits. A smoother transition, perhaps by acknowledging counterpoints or limitations before introducing one’s viewpoint, would bolster the argument’s coherence.
    • Improved example: "Nevertheless, despite the identified drawbacks, the utility of computers and mobile phones in communication transcends these limitations. It’s essential to consider the advantages these devices offer, particularly in enhancing accessibility and efficiency in communication."

Overall, the essay presents a clear stance and attempts to address the prompt comprehensively. However, to achieve a higher score, the essay would benefit from a more balanced development of ideas, deeper analysis of the negative impacts, and a smoother transition between contrasting viewpoints for a more cohesive argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, falling into the Band 6 category. The writer organizes information and ideas coherently with a clear overall progression. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively, but there are instances where cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical. While there is an attempt at paragraphing, it is not always logical, and there are areas where the organization could be improved.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion within Sentences: Pay attention to the flow within sentences. Ensure that the connection between ideas is seamless to enhance overall cohesion.
  2. Logical Paragraphing: Make sure each paragraph has a clear central topic and follows a logical sequence. This will contribute to a more organized and cohesive essay.
  3. Vocabulary Usage: Be mindful of vocabulary accuracy to avoid potential issues in conveying ideas. Aim for precision in expressing thoughts.

By addressing these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher band score in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. Some errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present but do not significantly impede communication. The candidate successfully conveys ideas with a mix of common and less common vocabulary.

How to improve:

  1. Precision and Clarity: While the essay uses a good range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in conveying precise meanings. Ensure that the selected words precisely express the intended ideas.
  2. Grammar and Word Choice: Pay attention to occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. Review sentences for accuracy, especially when using less common lexical items.
  3. Spelling and Word Formation: Although errors in spelling and word formation are rare, proofread carefully to eliminate any such errors. Consistent attention to detail will enhance the overall lexical resource.

Overall, a strong effort with room for refinement in vocabulary usage and accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to a Band 7 score. There is an attempt to use a range of structures, such as conditional sentences and complex sentence constructions. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some errors that do not significantly impede communication, falling within the Band 7 criteria.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and eliminating minor errors. Paying attention to the correct use of conjunctions and refining complex sentences would contribute to achieving a higher band score. Additionally, thorough proofreading can help in identifying and rectifying occasional errors, ensuring a more polished and precise expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a discussion about how the use of computers and mobile phones in communication impacts young people’s reading and writing skills. While some believe these devices have a negative influence, I strongly disagree with this notion for various reasons.

Using technology devices in communication does indeed have drawbacks. Firstly, it can have a detrimental impact on reading skills. Excessive use of computers or mobile phones for reading can cause eye-related issues like short-sightedness. Moreover, prolonged screen exposure can lead to headaches and hinder the ability to remember information. Additionally, writing skills can be significantly affected. People who primarily write on computers or smartphones might rely on predefined templates, leading to a decline in originality. Furthermore, dependence on these devices might result in incorrect vocabulary usage and reduced handwriting proficiency.

However, I firmly believe that the use of computers and mobile phones in communication brings more benefits than drawbacks. Regarding reading skills, individuals can learn to skim and scan documents efficiently, saving time and preventing boredom while tackling lengthy texts. Furthermore, the convenience of reading on mobile phones allows people to access documents anytime, anywhere, without the need for physical papers. Additionally, writing skills can improve, particularly in terms of text replication. Writing on computers eliminates the need for constant word adjustments, allowing for faster writing and time-saving benefits.

In conclusion, while technology devices can have both positive and negative effects on young people, I am convinced that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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