Some people think that young people should follow traditions of the society. While other people think that young people should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. (Discuss both views)
Some people think that young people should follow traditions of the society. While other people think that young people should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. (Discuss both views)
Opinions have diverged widely on whether lifestyle of young generation should be based according to the traditional view or based on the their freedom regardless. From my view, while the former idea strengthen the patriarchy, the latter opinion will potentially motivate the freedom in the humankind.
On the one hand, following the tradition will differentiate the roles between genders in a society. Take blue collar workers for an example, which the majority of the workforces are men, who greatly contributes to the improvement and the maintenance of infrastructures in a nation. Meanwhile for female, these heavy workloads are beyond their limitation due to the significant disadvantages in terms of physique when comparing to the opposite gender. Therefore, genders' duties are separately divided into different categories to form a structure in the society and the abolishment of it by youngsters that ignore this patriarchy to live freely base on their will, it will lead to the destruction of a nation overall.
On the other hand, The world prosperity nowadays is the result of freedom. Humankind would not be able to reach to this advancement if people were embraced to behave according to a specific ideology. As freedom is one of the most basic principal of creativity in order for human to freely invent numerous technology that have a substantial impact on people's daily basic such as long-distance communication technology, which allows people to communicate across the world with the ease of mobile devices. As a result, many cutting edge technologies were invented to significantly improve the world and if people were not allow to behave as individuals, none of them would exists.
In conclusion, although following the traditions would maintain the social construction, I think a free lifestyle should be taken into consideration as it would create an intelligent generation for a better world of human-beings.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"lifestyle of young generation" -> "lifestyle of the younger generation"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "younger generation" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the phrase. -
"based according to the traditional view or based on the their freedom" -> "based on traditional views or on their freedom"
Explanation: Removing "according to" corrects the awkward phrasing and aligns with the intended meaning, making the sentence more direct and formal. -
"From my view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "From my view," which is somewhat informal and less precise. -
"strengthen the patriarchy" -> "entrench patriarchal structures"
Explanation: "Entrench patriarchal structures" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "strengthen the patriarchy," which can be seen as overly simplistic and colloquial. -
"potentially motivate the freedom in the humankind" -> "potentially promote human freedom"
Explanation: "Promote human freedom" is clearer and more direct than "motivate the freedom in the humankind," which is awkwardly phrased and vague. -
"following the tradition will differentiate the roles" -> "adhering to tradition will differentiate roles"
Explanation: "Adhering to tradition" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of following established customs or norms. -
"Take blue collar workers for an example" -> "Consider blue-collar workers as an example"
Explanation: "Consider blue-collar workers as an example" is grammatically correct and more formal than "Take blue collar workers for an example," which is informal and awkwardly phrased. -
"who greatly contributes" -> "who greatly contribute"
Explanation: "Contribute" should be in the plural form "contribute" to agree with the plural subject "workforces." -
"these heavy workloads are beyond their limitation" -> "these heavy workloads exceed their capabilities"
Explanation: "Exceed their capabilities" is a more precise and formal way to describe the limitations of women in these roles. -
"ignoring this patriarchy to live freely base on their will" -> "ignoring this patriarchal structure to live freely based on their will"
Explanation: "Based on their will" corrects the grammatical error and "patriarchal structure" is a more precise term than "patriarchy," which is often used in a broader, more abstract sense. -
"The world prosperity" -> "the world’s prosperity"
Explanation: Adding the possessive "the world’s" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the subject of the sentence. -
"reach to this advancement" -> "achieve this level of advancement"
Explanation: "Achieve this level of advancement" is more precise and formal than "reach to this advancement," which is awkward and unclear. -
"As freedom is one of the most basic principal" -> "As freedom is one of the most basic principles"
Explanation: "Principles" should be used instead of "principal" to refer to fundamental concepts or rules, correcting a grammatical error. -
"have a substantial impact on people’s daily basic" -> "have a substantial impact on people’s daily basics"
Explanation: "Basics" should be plural to match the plural subject "basics," and "daily basics" is a more precise term than "daily basic," which is grammatically incorrect. -
"if people were not allow to behave as individuals" -> "if individuals were not allowed to behave freely"
Explanation: "Allowed" should be in the past tense "allowed" to match the conditional construction, and "behave freely" is more precise than "behave as individuals," which is vague and informal. -
"a free lifestyle should be taken into consideration" -> "a free lifestyle should be considered"
Explanation: "Considered" is more direct and formal than "taken into consideration," which is somewhat redundant and less formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding whether young people should follow societal traditions or behave as individuals. The first paragraph discusses the traditional view, emphasizing the division of gender roles, while the second paragraph presents the argument for individual freedom, highlighting its importance for creativity and technological advancement. However, the essay lacks a balanced exploration of both perspectives, leaning more towards the argument for individual freedom without adequately addressing the potential benefits of following traditions.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion of both views. This could involve elaborating on the positive aspects of traditions, such as cultural identity and community cohesion, before transitioning to the argument for individual freedom. Including specific examples or scenarios where traditions have positively influenced society would strengthen this section.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of individual freedom, particularly in the conclusion. However, the reasoning in the body paragraphs could be clearer and more logically structured. For instance, the argument against traditions is somewhat convoluted, making it difficult to follow the author’s stance. The phrase "the former idea strengthen the patriarchy" is vague and could be articulated more clearly to convey the author’s viewpoint effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, clarifying the connection between the points made and the overall position will enhance coherence.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in their development. For example, while it mentions the division of labor based on gender, it does not fully explore the implications of this division or provide supporting evidence. The argument about technological advancement due to freedom is more developed but could benefit from specific examples of technologies that emerged from individual creativity.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with examples, statistics, or anecdotes. This could involve discussing specific traditions that have been beneficial or citing instances where individual freedom led to significant innovations. Providing a more thorough analysis of each argument will enhance the essay’s overall persuasiveness.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two views as required by the prompt. However, some sentences, particularly in the first body paragraph, stray into generalizations without directly linking back to the topic of young people’s behavior. For instance, the discussion about gender roles could be more directly tied to how these roles impact young people’s choices.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by consistently referencing young people’s behavior in relation to traditions and individual freedom. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements and instead focusing on specific examples related to the topic will help keep the essay relevant and on track.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the traditional view to the individualistic perspective is somewhat abrupt. The first body paragraph focuses on the traditional roles of genders, but the connection to the broader implications of following traditions is not fully developed. The second body paragraph, while discussing the benefits of freedom, lacks a clear link back to the initial argument about traditions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "In contrast" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the shift in ideas. Ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, reinforcing the overall argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first body paragraph is lengthy and somewhat convoluted, while the second is more concise but could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach in paragraph length. Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by relevant examples. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on the traditional roles and the other on the implications of adhering to these roles. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting views. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, phrases like "as a result" and "therefore" are used, but the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Consequently." This will help create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the connections between sentences. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on the logical flow, paragraph balance, and variety of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective word choices such as "diverged," "patriarchy," and "advancement." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word forms. For example, the phrase "young generation" is used multiple times, which could be varied to include terms like "youth," "young people," or "adolescents" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid redundancy. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "cultural heritage," "individualism," and "social dynamics," could enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage, particularly in phrases like "the majority of the workforces are men," where "workforces" should be singular ("workforce"). Another example is "the significant disadvantages in terms of physique," which could be more clearly expressed as "physical limitations." These inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on ensuring that vocabulary is used correctly and in context. This can be achieved by reviewing definitions and connotations of words before using them. Practicing with exercises that emphasize context-specific vocabulary could also help improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay has several spelling errors, such as "principal" instead of "principle," and "allow" instead of "allowed." These mistakes indicate a lack of attention to detail and can undermine the credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them could be beneficial. Regular writing practice, along with feedback from peers or instructors, can also help identify and correct spelling errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting views. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "should be" and "is," which limits the overall range. Additionally, some sentences are overly complex and convoluted, such as "the abolishment of it by youngsters that ignore this patriarchy to live freely base on their will, it will lead to the destruction of a nation overall," which affects clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "the," try using participial phrases or adverbial clauses. Additionally, simplifying overly complex sentences can enhance clarity and readability. Practice using different sentence types, such as conditional sentences or varying the order of subjects and verbs.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, "the lifestyle of young generation should be based according to the traditional view" should be "the lifestyle of the young generation should be based on traditional views." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the majority of the workforces are men," where "workforce" should be singular. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also hinder clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Reviewing basic grammar rules can help identify common mistakes. Additionally, practice punctuating complex sentences correctly by breaking them down into simpler parts and ensuring that clauses are properly separated. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.
Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, improving grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance its effectiveness. Regular practice with varied sentence structures and a focus on grammatical rules will help achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Opinions have diverged widely on whether the lifestyle of the younger generation should be based on traditional views or on their freedom. From my perspective, while the former idea may entrench patriarchal structures, the latter opinion will potentially promote human freedom.
On the one hand, adhering to tradition will differentiate the roles between genders in society. Consider blue-collar workers as an example; the majority of this workforce consists of men, who greatly contribute to the improvement and maintenance of a nation’s infrastructure. Meanwhile, for women, these heavy workloads often exceed their capabilities due to significant physical disadvantages when compared to the opposite gender. Therefore, gender duties are separately divided into different categories to form a structure in society. If youngsters ignore this patriarchal structure to live freely based on their will, it could lead to the destabilization of society as a whole.
On the other hand, the world’s prosperity today is the result of freedom. Humankind would not have achieved this level of advancement if people were restricted to behaving according to a specific ideology. As freedom is one of the most basic principles of creativity, it allows individuals to invent numerous technologies that have a substantial impact on people’s daily lives, such as long-distance communication technology. This innovation enables people to communicate across the globe with the ease of mobile devices. As a result, many cutting-edge technologies have been developed to significantly improve the world, and if individuals were not allowed to behave freely, none of these advancements would exist.
In conclusion, although following traditions may maintain social structures, I believe that a free lifestyle should be considered, as it would foster a more intelligent generation for a better world for humankind.