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Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (ie. music and painting ). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think the government should spend more money on public services rather than waste money on arts (ie. music and painting ). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There has been a heated debate on whether the public purse on spending on what field can obtain the most dividends. Some state that this enormous budget should be dedicated to public services rather than inconsequential matters such as arts and music. My point of view on this topic is that both of them play a vital role in the country’s prosperity and could not be overshadowed by another.

On the one hand, it is irrefutable that governments play a determined role in allocating money into services that directly cater for the masses. This claim is justifiable because the state budget is intrinsically getting from tax revenue paid by residents themselves. Furthermore, starvation and illiteracy are rampant in many parts of the world, which is probably a result of governmental indifference and corruption. The repercussion could weaken the relationships between communities and authorities and therefore disunity within a country seems inevitable. All of these reasons might potentially hamper a nation to achieve a well-developed society.

On the other hand, by diverting a part of government’s funding to artistic fields such as music and painting does invigorate economic flourishment of a country. This is because, if a country solely focused on handling internal problems without taking notice of other aspects,the chances are that they could lose lucrative opportunities gained from a large influx of foreign visitors. This would be a step back in comparison to other economic powerhouse, especially in the inexorable competitiveness of globalization. Not to mention, there is a likelihood that cultural values might become almost useless if it could not create financial benefits or not be widely recognised by the public, due to there being no driving force behind maintaining them unless a source of income. These are the testaments for the answer on what would happen in case the government overlooked artistic creation.

In conclusion, there is no denying that human’s demand should take precedence above all, however I believe that it is imprudent for authorities to downplay the magnitude of art forms in a way that creates a community of well-being.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "field can obtain the most dividends" -> "field can yield the most dividends"
    Explanation: Replacing "obtain" with "yield" and "dividends" with "the most dividends" enhances the formality of the statement, using a more sophisticated term for economic returns.

  2. "inconsequential matters such as arts and music" -> "less essential areas, such as the arts and music"
    Explanation: Substituting "inconsequential matters" with "less essential areas" and specifying "the arts and music" adds precision and formality to the expression.

  3. "My point of view on this topic is that" -> "I posit that"
    Explanation: Replacing "My point of view on this topic is that" with "I posit that" offers a more formal and concise introduction to the author’s stance.

  4. "it is irrefutable that governments play a determined role" -> "it is undeniable that governments play a decisive role"
    Explanation: Substituting "irrefutable" with "undeniable" and "determined" with "decisive" contributes to a more formal tone, emphasizing the certainty and importance of the government’s role.

  5. "This claim is justifiable because" -> "This assertion is justified as"
    Explanation: Changing "This claim is justifiable because" to "This assertion is justified as" refines the language for a more academically appropriate tone.

  6. "intrinsically getting from tax revenue" -> "inherently derived from tax revenue"
    Explanation: Replacing "intrinsically getting from" with "inherently derived from" enhances the sophistication of the expression, emphasizing the inherent connection between the state budget and tax revenue.

  7. "rampant in many parts of the world" -> "prevalent in various regions globally"
    Explanation: Substituting "rampant" with "prevalent" and specifying "in various regions globally" adds precision and a global perspective to the issue of starvation and illiteracy.

  8. "which is probably a result of" -> "potentially stemming from"
    Explanation: Changing "which is probably a result of" to "potentially stemming from" introduces a more cautious and speculative tone, aligning with academic discourse.

  9. "repercussion could weaken" -> "consequence could undermine"
    Explanation: Replacing "repercussion could weaken" with "consequence could undermine" maintains formality while emphasizing the potential negative impact of governmental indifference.

  10. "economic flourishment" -> "economic prosperity"
    Explanation: Substituting "economic flourishment" with "economic prosperity" provides a more standard and formal term for describing a country’s economic well-being.

  11. "if a country solely focused on handling internal problems without taking notice of other aspects" -> "if a country exclusively prioritized addressing domestic issues, neglecting other dimensions"
    Explanation: Rewording the sentence with "if a country exclusively prioritized addressing domestic issues, neglecting other dimensions" adds clarity and formality, avoiding repetition of the phrase "taking notice of."

  12. "inexorable competitiveness of globalization" -> "relentless competition in the era of globalization"
    Explanation: Changing "inexorable competitiveness of globalization" to "relentless competition in the era of globalization" maintains the meaning while using a more common and formal expression.

  13. "cultural values might become almost useless" -> "cultural values could be rendered nearly obsolete"
    Explanation: Substituting "almost useless" with "rendered nearly obsolete" enhances precision and formality, conveying a stronger sense of potential loss.

  14. "testaments for the answer on what would happen" -> "indications of the outcomes"
    Explanation: Replacing "testaments for the answer on what would happen" with "indications of the outcomes" improves clarity and formality in expressing the evidence supporting the argument.

  15. "it is imprudent for authorities to downplay" -> "authorities should not underestimate"
    Explanation: Changing "it is imprudent for authorities to downplay" to "authorities should not underestimate" maintains formality while conveying a stronger sense of advice or caution.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "On the one hand, it is irrefutable that governments play a determined role in allocating money into services that directly cater for the masses."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The point about government’s allocation to essential services is well-stated. However, it would bolster your argument to provide specific examples of such services. For instance, mentioning healthcare, education, or infrastructure would amplify the clarity of your argument.
    • Improved example: "On the one hand, it is irrefutable that governments play a determined role in allocating money into crucial services such as healthcare, education, and infrastructure, directly catering to the basic needs of the masses."
  2. Quoted text: "Furthermore, starvation and illiteracy are rampant in many parts of the world, which is probably a result of governmental indifference and corruption."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While acknowledging the prevalence of issues like starvation and illiteracy, connecting them explicitly to governmental indifference and corruption needs a more nuanced approach. It’s advisable to refrain from absolute statements and instead emphasize the complexities of these issues. Consider discussing how government policies might contribute to these problems without implying sole responsibility.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, issues like starvation and illiteracy persist in many parts of the world, sometimes influenced by systemic challenges within government policies, among other contributing factors."
  3. Quoted text: "by diverting a part of government’s funding to artistic fields such as music and painting does invigorate economic flourishment of a country."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the connection between funding arts and economic growth is valid, a more elaborate explanation or example could fortify your argument. Explaining how investments in the arts can lead to cultural tourism or foster creative industries might enhance the persuasiveness of your point.
    • Improved example: "Redirecting a portion of government funding towards artistic fields like music and painting can stimulate economic growth. For instance, supporting local artists and cultural events often attracts tourists, contributing significantly to the tourism sector and boosting a country’s economy."

Overall, your essay maintains a clear position on the issue and presents well-developed ideas. However, enhancing the specificity of examples and avoiding overly definitive statements would further strengthen the argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a clear overall progression of ideas and a logical organization of information. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic, and the body paragraphs discuss the different perspectives on government spending. There is a reasonable attempt to use cohesive devices, and the essay employs a mix of transitions to connect ideas. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical. For instance, the transition from the second to the third paragraph lacks clarity. The essay does make an effort to use referencing, but it may not always be clear or appropriate.

Paragraphing is generally logical, with each paragraph focusing on a central topic. However, there are some lapses in paragraphing logic, such as the abrupt transition from discussing public services to the economic benefits of arts in the second paragraph. The essay would benefit from more seamless paragraph transitions to enhance overall cohesion.

How to Improve:

  1. Pay attention to the logical flow of ideas within and between paragraphs. Ensure that transitions are clear and smooth.
  2. Strengthen the use of cohesive devices. Focus on maintaining a balance, avoiding overuse or underuse.
  3. Improve referencing clarity and appropriateness. Make sure that the connections between ideas are explicitly stated.
  4. Refine paragraphing to ensure a more seamless and logical progression of topics. Consider the use of topic sentences to guide the reader through each paragraph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary, presenting a range of words and expressions that contribute to the overall coherence of the text. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, and some awareness of style and collocation is evident. However, occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, such as "inconsequential matters" where ‘matters’ could be considered redundant. Despite these errors, the vocabulary is varied and contributes to the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve, the writer should pay closer attention to word choice and ensure precision in expression. Additionally, a more careful proofreading process could help eliminate minor errors in spelling and word formation. Striving for greater accuracy in the use of less common vocabulary and refining the overall language fluency would enhance the essay’s lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, incorporating a variety of complex structures. The writer effectively communicates their ideas with only a few errors, and the majority of sentences are error-free. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor errors that slightly affect the overall fluency and precision.

The essay employs a range of sentence structures, combining both simple and complex forms to express ideas. The writer effectively uses punctuation to convey meaning, and the errors, though present, are not pervasive or significantly detrimental to comprehension.

Some areas of improvement include addressing awkward phrasing, refining word choices for precision, and ensuring consistent verb tenses throughout the essay.

How to improve:

  1. Revise awkward phrasing for smoother expression of ideas.
  2. Pay careful attention to word choices to enhance precision.
  3. Maintain consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay to improve overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been a ongoing debate on how the government should allocate its funds, whether it’s more beneficial to invest in public services or allocate resources to the arts, such as music and painting. Some argue that the substantial budget should be directed towards public services rather than what they see as less important, like the arts. In my opinion, both areas are crucial for the country’s progress and should not be overshadowed by one another.

On one hand, it is undeniable that governments play a crucial role in investing money in services that directly benefit the public. This stance is justifiable because the state budget primarily comes from the taxes paid by residents themselves. Moreover

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