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Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations.

Some people work for the same organization all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organizations.

In this day and age, company loyalty has been a hotly discussed topic. It is said that a significant number of individuals choose to devote their entire careers to the same employers. Meanwhile, there is a belief that occasionally changing occupations is highly recommended. In my opinion, I totally agree with the former point of view.
To begin with, there is a variety of benefits to working for the same company. To be more specific, workers who have a strong loyalty to their workplaces can be highly appreciated, enabling them to go a long way to getting promoted in the long run. It is clear that when people work permanently in an organization, they can easily become professional in their own fields, which contributes to a considerable increase in the company’s productivity, leading to further level of credibility from employers. In addition, it is clear that some employees would like to work in the same organizations with an aspiration for a reasonable pension. This is because individuals want to have a significant amount of money to afford their living expenses when they get old. As a result, several workers attempt to devote their careers to one workplace in order to gain a pension in the future when they are not able to work for the company.
On the other hand, it is obvious that sometimes changing jobs can bring beneficial impacts to individuals. In contrast, its detrimental implications surpass the aforementioned advantages. In particular, it is inevitable that people have to start over from the beginning when working in a new organization, making individuals time-consuming. For instance, it is clear that they need to follow different working styles which require a huge amount of time to be familiar. Moreover, job hopping unknowingly gets themselves into a toxic workplace. This is because they do not have information as well as the way of working of their new colleagues. Therefore, they might be affected directly their way of working, resulting in overall decrease in their working performance.
In conclusion, I am convinced that having strong loyalty to a company can have a wide range of advantages, particularly promotion opportunities and pension. In contrast, occasionally changing occupations can somehow seriously influence the career of individuals.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  2. "hotly discussed" -> "widely debated"
    Explanation: "Hotly discussed" is an idiom that may sound informal in an academic context. "Widely debated" is more precise and formal.

  3. "I totally agree" -> "I strongly agree"
    Explanation: "Totally" is somewhat informal and can be seen as overly emphatic. "Strongly" is a more measured and academically appropriate term.

  4. "To begin with" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "To begin with" is a bit informal and conversational. "Firstly" is a more formal transitional phrase commonly used in academic writing.

  5. "workers who have a strong loyalty" -> "employees who demonstrate strong loyalty"
    Explanation: "Workers" can be vague; "employees" is more specific and appropriate in a business context. "Demonstrate" is more precise than "have."

  6. "go a long way to getting promoted" -> "contribute significantly to career advancement"
    Explanation: "Go a long way to getting promoted" is informal and vague. "Contribute significantly to career advancement" is more formal and precise.

  7. "In the long run" -> "ultimately"
    Explanation: "In the long run" is a bit informal and vague. "Ultimately" is more concise and formal.

  8. "a considerable increase in the company’s productivity" -> "a substantial increase in the company’s productivity"
    Explanation: "Considerable" is somewhat vague; "substantial" provides a clearer and more precise measure.

  9. "further level of credibility" -> "greater level of credibility"
    Explanation: "Further level" is grammatically incorrect. "Greater level" is grammatically correct and maintains the intended meaning.

  10. "some employees would like to work in the same organizations" -> "some employees aspire to work in the same organizations"
    Explanation: "Would like" is too informal and vague. "Aspire to" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  11. "with an aspiration for a reasonable pension" -> "with the aspiration of securing a reasonable pension"
    Explanation: "With an aspiration for" is awkwardly phrased. "With the aspiration of securing" is clearer and more formal.

  12. "to afford their living expenses" -> "to support their living expenses"
    Explanation: "Afford" is somewhat informal and less precise in this context. "Support" is more appropriate and formal.

  13. "making individuals time-consuming" -> "requiring significant time"
    Explanation: "Making individuals time-consuming" is incorrect and unclear. "Requiring significant time" is grammatically correct and clearer.

  14. "job hopping unknowingly gets themselves into a toxic workplace" -> "job hopping inadvertently leads to a toxic work environment"
    Explanation: "Gets themselves into" is informal and awkward. "Leads to a toxic work environment" is more formal and precise.

  15. "affect directly their way of working" -> "directly affect their work methods"
    Explanation: "Affect directly their way of working" is grammatically incorrect. "Directly affect their work methods" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

  16. "overall decrease in their working performance" -> "overall decline in their professional performance"
    Explanation: "Working performance" is redundant. "Professional performance" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument presented in the prompt, discussing the benefits of staying with one organization as well as the potential drawbacks of changing jobs. The author clearly articulates the advantages of loyalty to a company, such as promotion opportunities and pension benefits, while also acknowledging the challenges associated with job changes, such as adapting to new environments and potential toxicity in new workplaces. However, while both perspectives are mentioned, the essay leans heavily towards supporting the former viewpoint without fully exploring the merits of changing jobs.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could provide a more balanced exploration of the advantages of working for different organizations. This could involve discussing how job changes can lead to new skills, networking opportunities, and increased job satisfaction, which are also significant factors in career development. Including specific examples or statistics related to job mobility could strengthen this section.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that favors loyalty to a single organization. The author explicitly states their agreement with this viewpoint in the introduction and reiterates it in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the two perspectives could be clearer. The phrase "In contrast, its detrimental implications surpass the aforementioned advantages" could be misinterpreted as suggesting that the author believes job changes are entirely negative, which may confuse the reader about the overall stance.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should ensure that transitions between contrasting viewpoints are more explicit. Using phrases such as "While there are benefits to changing jobs, I believe…" could help clarify that the author acknowledges the other side but ultimately supports one perspective. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument throughout the essay with consistent references to the benefits of loyalty would strengthen the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the notion of loyalty to a company, such as promotion opportunities and pension benefits. These ideas are extended with explanations of how they contribute to an employee’s career. However, some points could benefit from further development. For instance, the mention of "toxic workplaces" when discussing job changes is a valid concern but lacks depth and specific examples that could illustrate the point more vividly.
    • How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the benefits of staying with one organization and the potential pitfalls of job hopping. For example, discussing a scenario where an employee’s loyalty led to a significant promotion or a case where job changes resulted in negative experiences would provide a stronger foundation for the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the discussion of loyalty versus job changes. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For instance, the discussion about pensions, while relevant, could be expanded to connect more directly with the overall argument about the advantages of long-term employment.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to how each point supports the thesis of loyalty being more beneficial than changing jobs. Additionally, avoiding overly general statements and instead providing specific examples related to the topic will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, but with some adjustments in balance, clarity, and depth, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the benefits of loyalty to a single organization versus the potential drawbacks of job-hopping. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present the advantages of staying with one employer followed by the disadvantages of changing jobs. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" effectively signals a shift in perspective, but the connection between the two arguments could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the benefits of loyalty, a sentence summarizing these points before introducing the counterargument could help clarify the relationship between the two perspectives. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with distinct sections for the introduction, advantages of loyalty, disadvantages of job-hopping, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids readability. However, some paragraphs could be further developed to enhance their effectiveness. For instance, the second body paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples or explanations to support the claims made about the disadvantages of changing jobs.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a mix of general statements and specific examples. For instance, when discussing the disadvantages of job-hopping, providing a real-world example or statistic could strengthen the argument. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can help maintain clarity and focus.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "In addition," and "On the other hand," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit. For example, the phrase "this is because" is used multiple times, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "this is because," alternatives such as "as a result," "consequently," or "thus" could be employed to maintain reader engagement. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion and reduce redundancy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are opportunities for improvement in logical organization, paragraph development, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument can be significantly enhanced.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing the benefits of company loyalty and the drawbacks of job-hopping. Phrases such as "strong loyalty," "professional in their own fields," and "detrimental implications" indicate an attempt to use varied vocabulary. However, the repetition of certain terms (e.g., "organization" and "employees") suggests a limited lexical range. The use of "highly appreciated" and "significant amount of money" also shows some redundancy in expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "organization," terms like "company," "firm," or "establishment" could be employed. Additionally, varying expressions for "significant" could include "substantial," "considerable," or "notable" to avoid repetition.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "making individuals time-consuming" is awkward and unclear; it seems to suggest that individuals themselves are time-consuming rather than the process of starting over. Additionally, "toxic workplace" is a strong term that may require more context to clarify its implications in this context.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. For instance, instead of saying "making individuals time-consuming," a more precise phrase could be "which can be time-consuming for individuals." Furthermore, providing context for terms like "toxic workplace" can help clarify the intended meaning, perhaps by explaining what constitutes a toxic environment.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only minor errors. However, there is a notable misspelling in the phrase "afford their living expenses when they get old," where a space is missing before "when." Additionally, the phrase "resulting in overall decrease in their working performance" should include "an" before "overall" for grammatical correctness.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common errors such as missing spaces or articles. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch these minor mistakes. Regular practice with vocabulary exercises can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay achieves a Band 6 for Lexical Resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling can elevate the score further. Engaging with a wider array of vocabulary, ensuring clarity in word choice, and maintaining attention to detail in spelling will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, phrases such as "To be more specific" and "In contrast" effectively introduce elaborations and contrasting points. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "It is clear that," which can detract from the overall variety. Additionally, the use of passive voice is limited, which could enhance the complexity of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "It is clear that," alternatives like "This suggests that" or "This indicates that" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses would enhance the sophistication of the writing. For example, combining ideas into a single sentence using conjunctions could create a more fluid narrative.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "making individuals time-consuming" is awkward and should be rephrased for clarity, possibly to "which can be time-consuming for individuals." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the missing comma in "to afford their living expenses when they get old," which can lead to confusion in sentence structure. The use of commas in lists and before conjunctions in complex sentences is inconsistent.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch awkward phrasing and ensure clarity. Focusing on common grammatical structures and their correct usage, such as subject-verb agreement and the proper use of articles, will also be beneficial. For punctuation, practicing the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences and lists, will enhance readability. It may be helpful to review grammar resources or exercises that focus on these areas to solidify understanding.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, company loyalty has been a hotly debated topic. It is said that a significant number of individuals choose to devote their entire careers to the same employers. Meanwhile, there is a belief that occasionally changing occupations is highly recommended. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the former point of view.

Firstly, there are a variety of benefits to working for the same company. To be more specific, employees who demonstrate strong loyalty to their workplaces can be highly appreciated, enabling them to go a long way toward getting promoted in the long run. It is clear that when people work permanently in an organization, they can easily become professionals in their own fields, which contributes to a substantial increase in the company’s productivity, leading to a greater level of credibility from employers. In addition, it is clear that some employees aspire to work in the same organizations with the aspiration of securing a reasonable pension. This is because individuals want to have a significant amount of money to support their living expenses when they get old. As a result, several workers attempt to devote their careers to one workplace in order to gain a pension in the future when they are not able to work for the company.

On the other hand, it is obvious that sometimes changing jobs can bring beneficial impacts to individuals. In contrast, its detrimental implications surpass the aforementioned advantages. In particular, it is inevitable that people have to start over from the beginning when working in a new organization, which can be time-consuming. For instance, it is clear that they need to follow different working styles, which require a huge amount of time to become familiar with. Moreover, job hopping inadvertently leads to a toxic work environment. This is because they do not have information about the working styles of their new colleagues. Therefore, it might directly affect their work methods, resulting in an overall decline in their professional performance.

In conclusion, I am convinced that having strong loyalty to a company can have a wide range of advantages, particularly promotion opportunities and pension. In contrast, occasionally changing occupations can seriously influence the careers of individuals.

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