Some professionals, such as teachers and doctors, make greater contributions to society so should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some professionals, such as teachers and doctors, make greater contributions to society so should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a growing debate on whether more money should be paid to professionals, such as teachers and doctors rather than to sports athletes and stars who are considered to play a less significant role in society. This essay will discuss the extent to which I agree with this notion and offer my perspectives on the issue. 
Admittedly, it is argued that experts should provide invaluable services to the society. There is no denying that teachers play a crucial role in shaping the development of a country as they provide people with a wide range of knowledge and skills. This practice would help more people have the qualifications to work in intellectual positions, thereby fostering the growth of the national economy in several aspects. Moreover, other professionals such as doctors are essential in not only maintaining citizen well-being but also saving lives, thereby ensuring people have sufficient healthcare. Even though their contributions are enormous, their work is often underestimated and underpaid due to the lack of accurate concerns from the governments, leading to the fall short of people pursuing these professionals. 
On the other hand, many think it is unfair that sports athletes and entertainment stars receive exorbitant sums while contributing less significant benefits to society. Understandably, these people are highly paid due to the high demand for entertainment and the revenue that they generate from sponsorships, advertising, and ticket sales. Moreover, celebrities also play a vital role in providing people with a distressing time to watch their movies or performances on screen. Even though they contribute some benefits to society, their role is considered less important. For example, when it comes to the time of Corona pandemic, the teachers as well as doctors had a strong impact on keeping the country on track and helping people overcome such a difficult time.
In conclusion, while celebrities also contribute to the well-being of citizens in some aspects, the role of professionals is much greater in terms of knowledge as well as the sufficient services that they offer. The governing bodies must implement regulations to enhance the salary of professionals as an incentive for them to create and devote more to the country.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There is a growing debate on" -> "There is an increasing debate about"
   Explanation: "Increasing" is more precise and formal than "growing," and "about" is more appropriate than "on" in this context, as it indicates the topic of discussion more clearly.

2. "should be paid to" -> "should receive"
   Explanation: "Should receive" is a more direct and formal way to express payment, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "be paid to."

3. "sports athletes" -> "sports athletes"
   Explanation: This is a typographical error; the correct term is "sports athletes."

4. "who are considered to play a less significant role" -> "who are perceived to have a less significant role"
   Explanation: "Perceived" is more precise and formal than "considered," and "have a less significant role" is grammatically correct compared to "play a less significant role."

5. "This essay will discuss" -> "This essay will explore"
   Explanation: "Explore" is a more academically appropriate verb than "discuss" for essays, implying a deeper analysis.

6. "Admittedly" -> "It is acknowledged"
   Explanation: "It is acknowledged" is more formal and less conversational than "Admittedly," which can sound informal in academic writing.

7. "provide people with a wide range of knowledge and skills" -> "provide individuals with a broad spectrum of knowledge and skills"
   Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "broad spectrum" is a more precise term than "wide range."

8. "help more people have the qualifications to work in intellectual positions" -> "enable more individuals to acquire the qualifications necessary for intellectual positions"
   Explanation: "Enable" is more formal and precise than "help," and "acquire the qualifications necessary" is more specific and formal.

9. "fostering the growth of the national economy in several aspects" -> "promoting the national economy’s growth in various sectors"
   Explanation: "Promoting" is more specific and formal than "fostering," and "various sectors" is more precise than "several aspects."

10. "saving lives" -> "saving lives"
    Explanation: This is a typographical error; the correct phrase should not be repeated.

11. "ensuring people have sufficient healthcare" -> "ensuring adequate healthcare for the population"
    Explanation: "Adequate healthcare for the population" is more formal and specific than "sufficient healthcare."

12. "the fall short of people pursuing these professionals" -> "a shortage of individuals pursuing these professions"
    Explanation: "A shortage of individuals pursuing these professions" is grammatically correct and more formal than "the fall short of people pursuing these professionals."

13. "highly paid" -> "highly compensated"
    Explanation: "Highly compensated" is a more formal and precise term than "highly paid."

14. "a distressing time to watch their movies or performances on screen" -> "a source of entertainment for the public"
    Explanation: "A source of entertainment for the public" is more formal and academically appropriate than "a distressing time to watch their movies or performances on screen."

15. "the time of Corona pandemic" -> "the COVID-19 pandemic"
    Explanation: "COVID-19 pandemic" is the correct and widely accepted term for the global health crisis, replacing the informal "Corona pandemic."

16. "the governing bodies must implement regulations" -> "governments must enact regulations"
    Explanation: "Enact" is a more formal verb than "implement" in this context, and "governments" is more appropriate than "the governing bodies" for general reference.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether professionals like teachers and doctors should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars. The introduction clearly outlines the topic and the writer’s intention to discuss their perspective. The body paragraphs present arguments for both sides, with a strong emphasis on the contributions of teachers and doctors, which aligns well with the prompt. However, while the essay acknowledges the financial aspect of athletes and entertainers, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of their contributions to society.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer could include more specific examples of how sports and entertainment contribute to societal well-being, perhaps by discussing their roles in community engagement or mental health. Additionally, a clearer distinction between the two groups’ societal impacts could provide a more nuanced argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that professionals should be paid more than entertainers, which is evident throughout the text. The writer consistently supports this stance with logical reasoning and examples, such as the importance of teachers in education and doctors in healthcare. However, the acknowledgment of the financial dynamics of the entertainment industry could create some ambiguity regarding the writer’s position.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly state their agreement or disagreement in the conclusion, reinforcing their stance. Additionally, minimizing the discussion of the financial success of entertainers in favor of a more focused argument on societal contributions would help maintain a consistent viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, particularly regarding the roles of teachers and doctors. The use of examples, such as the impact of educators and healthcare professionals during the pandemic, effectively supports the argument. However, the discussion of entertainers lacks depth and could benefit from more substantial examples or statistics to illustrate their societal impact.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer could delve deeper into the specific contributions of athletes and entertainers, perhaps by discussing their influence on social issues or community initiatives. Including data or studies that highlight the economic impact of the entertainment industry could also strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly and maintaining relevance throughout. The focus on the contributions of both professionals and entertainers aligns well with the question. However, there are moments where the discussion of entertainers feels somewhat tangential, particularly when discussing their financial success rather than their societal contributions.
  • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the question of salary and societal contribution. Avoiding overly detailed discussions about the financial aspects of entertainment could help keep the essay aligned with the prompt’s core issue.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments to balance the discussion of both sides and enhance the depth of examples, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct viewpoints: the importance of professionals like teachers and doctors, and the role of sports athletes and entertainment stars. Each paragraph contains relevant supporting details, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the contributions of teachers and doctors, while the second paragraph contrasts this with the perceived lesser contributions of entertainers. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from one perspective to the other feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first paragraph, a sentence summarizing the importance of professionals could lead into the discussion of entertainers, highlighting the contrast more clearly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and supporting details are provided. The introduction and conclusion are also distinct, framing the argument well. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from more focused topic sentences that clearly state the main idea of the paragraph, as the current topic sentence is somewhat vague.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to ensure they directly reflect the main idea being discussed. For example, the second body paragraph could start with a clearer statement such as, "Despite the high salaries of sports athletes and entertainment stars, their societal contributions are often viewed as less significant compared to those of professionals."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Admittedly," "Moreover," and "On the other hand," which help to connect ideas and indicate contrast. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded, as some phrases are repeated, and there are opportunities to use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of connectors and transitional phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," you could use alternatives like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Additionally." Additionally, using phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help to emphasize opposing viewpoints more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By refining transitions, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "invaluable services," "crucial role," and "exorbitant sums" effectively conveying the writer’s points. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "professionals" and "contributions," which are used multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "professionals," alternatives like "specialists," "experts," or "practitioners" could be employed. Additionally, varying phrases such as "contribute to society" with "impact society" or "serve the community" would enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "maintaining citizen well-being" and "fostering the growth of the national economy." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the fall short of people pursuing these professionals," which is awkwardly phrased and unclear. The phrase could be interpreted in multiple ways, leading to confusion about the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity in expression. For example, instead of "the fall short of people pursuing these professionals," a clearer phrase could be "the decline in interest among individuals pursuing these careers." This not only clarifies the meaning but also enhances the overall coherence of the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with only minor errors. However, the phrase "the time of Corona pandemic" should be corrected to "the time of the Corona pandemic" for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, "distressing time" is likely a typographical error for "destressing time," which would be more appropriate in the context.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on common grammatical structures and ensuring that articles and prepositions are used correctly. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help identify and correct such errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will help elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "there is a growing debate" and "this practice would help more people have the qualifications" showcases an understanding of how to construct sentences that convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way clauses are introduced. For example, "Moreover, other professionals such as doctors are essential…" and "Moreover, celebrities also play a vital role…" could be varied to enhance the flow and engagement of the text.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases or clauses that vary the rhythm of the writing. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Moreover," try using alternatives like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Additionally." Incorporating more relative clauses and participial phrases could also add complexity. For example, instead of saying "the role of professionals is much greater," you could say "the role of professionals, who provide essential services, is much greater."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the fall short of people pursuing these professionals" should be corrected to "the shortfall of people pursuing these professions." Additionally, punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some areas where clarity could be improved, such as the use of commas in complex sentences. For example, in the sentence "Even though their contributions are enormous, their work is often underestimated and underpaid due to the lack of accurate concerns from the governments," the phrase "due to the lack of accurate concerns from the governments" could be clearer with a slight rephrasing.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can help improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing or grammatical inconsistencies that may not be immediately apparent when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an increasing debate about whether more money should be allocated to professionals, such as teachers and doctors, rather than to sports athletes and entertainment stars who are perceived to have a less significant role in society. This essay will explore the extent to which I agree with this notion and offer my perspectives on the issue.

It is acknowledged that professionals provide invaluable services to society. There is no denying that teachers play a crucial role in shaping the development of a country as they provide individuals with a broad spectrum of knowledge and skills. This practice enables more individuals to acquire the qualifications necessary for intellectual positions, thereby promoting the national economy’s growth in various sectors. Moreover, other professionals, such as doctors, are essential not only for maintaining citizens’ well-being but also for saving lives, thereby ensuring adequate healthcare for the population. Even though their contributions are enormous, their work is often underestimated and underpaid due to a lack of accurate concerns from the governments, leading to a shortage of individuals pursuing these professions.

On the other hand, many believe it is unfair that sports athletes and entertainment stars receive exorbitant sums while contributing less significant benefits to society. Understandably, these individuals are highly compensated due to the high demand for entertainment and the revenue they generate from sponsorships, advertising, and ticket sales. Moreover, celebrities also serve as a source of entertainment for the public, providing a welcome distraction through their movies or performances on screen. Even though they contribute some benefits to society, their role is considered less important. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, teachers and doctors had a profound impact on keeping the country on track and helping people navigate such a difficult time.

In conclusion, while celebrities also contribute to the well-being of citizens in some aspects, the role of professionals is much greater in terms of knowledge and the essential services they offer. Governments must enact regulations to enhance the salaries of professionals as an incentive for them to create and devote more to the country.