fbpx

Some think that the government should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some think that the government should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It would be argued by some that individuals should take care of themselves without subsidies. In my opinion, however, the government should provide social welfare for retired people.

There are several compelling reasons why retired people have to deal with taking some expense matters into their own heads, the main one being that the overall pensioned entitlement rates are increasing, resulting in a significant increase in the social support budget and this will have an adverse bearing on the country’s economy. In addition, the labor source is reduced due to the increment of the number of early retirees because they can live thanks to the pension fund available. Therefore, this will lead to a lack of employees in the job market.

Despite having many drawbacks, I contend that the pensioners deserve state financial aid. This discovers their sense of fulfillment as they can avoid coping with financial stress, especially for the underprivileged. Along with the retirement rules, employees are paid more benefits when they reintegrate into the labor market to improve the workforce’s overall productivity. For example, astronauts will receive huge pensions due to their contribution to the development of global outer space and participation in several dangerous missions. Another advantage is that this ensures the necessary basic needs, especially the health of the elderly. The elders may have to spend too much money on treatments. Insurance policies help improve standard of living and increase the average life expectancy of society.

In conclusion, the fact that a huge amount of retirement pensions can affect the national economy and the quality of the workforce. I believe that it is important for the government to have policies to ensure life for senior citizens.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It would be argued by some that individuals should take care of themselves without subsidies." -> "Some argue that individuals should be self-reliant without relying on subsidies."
    Explanation: Replacing "It would be argued by some" with "Some argue" provides a more direct and assertive statement, aligning with academic style by avoiding passive construction.

  2. "In my opinion, however, the government should provide social welfare for retired people." -> "Nevertheless, I maintain that the government should offer social welfare for retirees."
    Explanation: "In my opinion" is unnecessary in academic writing; "nevertheless" is more formal. "Retired people" can be replaced with "retirees" for brevity and clarity.

  3. "deal with taking some expense matters into their own heads" -> "handle financial matters independently"
    Explanation: "Deal with taking some expense matters into their own heads" is convoluted and informal. "Handle financial matters independently" is clearer and more concise.

  4. "pensioned entitlement rates" -> "pension entitlement rates"
    Explanation: "Pensioned entitlement rates" is awkward and unnecessarily wordy. "Pension entitlement rates" is more concise and precise.

  5. "this will have an adverse bearing on the country’s economy" -> "this will adversely impact the national economy"
    Explanation: "Adverse bearing" is informal; "adversely impact" is more formal and direct.

  6. "the increment of the number of early retirees" -> "the increase in the number of early retirees"
    Explanation: "Increment of the number of early retirees" is overly complex. "Increase in the number of early retirees" is simpler and clearer.

  7. "the labor source is reduced" -> "the labor supply diminishes"
    Explanation: "Labor source is reduced" is imprecise. "Labor supply diminishes" is a more formal and precise way to convey the reduction.

  8. "because they can live thanks to the pension fund available" -> "due to their reliance on available pension funds"
    Explanation: "Because they can live thanks to the pension fund available" is informal and awkward. "Due to their reliance on available pension funds" is more formal and clear.

  9. "lack of employees in the job market" -> "shortage of workers in the labor market"
    Explanation: "Lack of employees" is less formal. "Shortage of workers" is a more appropriate and formal term for academic writing.

  10. "Despite having many drawbacks" -> "Despite the numerous challenges"
    Explanation: "Having many drawbacks" is vague. "Numerous challenges" is more specific and formal.

  11. "This discovers their sense of fulfillment" -> "This ensures their sense of fulfillment"
    Explanation: "This discovers their sense of fulfillment" is unclear and awkward. "This ensures their sense of fulfillment" is clearer and more concise.

  12. "employees are paid more benefits" -> "employees receive additional benefits"
    Explanation: "Paid more benefits" is awkward. "Receive additional benefits" is clearer and more formal.

  13. "reintegrate into the labor market" -> "re-enter the labor market"
    Explanation: "Reintegrate into" is wordy. "Re-enter" is more concise and appropriate.

  14. "to improve the workforce’s overall productivity" -> "to enhance overall workforce productivity"
    Explanation: "Improve the workforce’s overall productivity" can be more succinctly expressed as "enhance overall workforce productivity."

  15. "For example, astronauts will receive huge pensions due to their contribution to the development of global outer space and participation in several dangerous missions." -> "For instance, astronauts are awarded substantial pensions for their contributions to the exploration of outer space and participation in perilous missions."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and uses informal language. The suggested alternative is more formal and clearer in conveying the idea.

  16. "Another advantage is that this ensures the necessary basic needs, especially the health of the elderly." -> "Furthermore, this ensures the fulfillment of essential needs, particularly healthcare for the elderly."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is more concise and formal.

  17. "The elders may have to spend too much money on treatments." -> "Elderly individuals may incur significant expenses on medical treatments."
    Explanation: "The elders" is overly casual. "Elderly individuals" is a more respectful and formal term.

  18. "Insurance policies help improve standard of living" -> "Insurance policies contribute to an improved standard of living"
    Explanation: "Help improve" is less formal. "Contribute to" is more precise and formal.

  19. "I believe that it is important for the government to have policies to ensure life for senior citizens." -> "I firmly believe that it is imperative for the government to implement policies ensuring the well-being of senior citizens."
    Explanation: "I believe that it is important" is less assertive and formal. "I firmly believe that it is imperative" conveys a stronger conviction. "Ensure life for senior citizens" lacks clarity and precision; "implement policies ensuring the well-being of senior citizens" is more specific and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding financial support for retired individuals. It acknowledges the perspective that retirees should be self-sufficient while also presenting a clear stance favoring government assistance.
    • How to improve: While the essay touches upon the perspectives of both sides, it could enhance its analysis by delving deeper into the opposing viewpoint. Providing a more nuanced discussion of why some argue against government support for retirees would enrich the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position advocating for government support for retired individuals. This stance is evident from the thesis statement through the supporting arguments and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports the central argument without ambiguity. Additionally, reinforcing the thesis statement in the conclusion can solidify the essay’s stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents arguments in support of government financial aid for retirees. It elaborates on these points with examples and logical reasoning, such as the impact on the economy and workforce, and the benefits of social welfare programs.
    • How to improve: While the essay provides some examples to support its claims, integrating more specific and varied evidence, such as statistical data or real-life case studies, could enhance the depth and persuasiveness of the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays focused on the topic of government support for retired individuals. It discusses relevant aspects, such as economic implications and the impact on retirees’ quality of life.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the essay prompt. Avoid tangential discussions that do not contribute to the central argument, maintaining a tight structure and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a coherent argument in favor of government support for retirees, there is room for improvement in deepening the analysis of opposing viewpoints, providing more diverse supporting evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the essay prompt. With these enhancements, the essay could further elevate its clarity, persuasiveness, and overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the discussion by presenting both viewpoints, while the body paragraphs present arguments supporting the author’s opinion in a coherent manner. Each paragraph discusses a different aspect of the topic, from the economic implications of pension support to the benefits for retired individuals, and the conclusion summarizes the main points effectively. However, there are minor issues with coherence, such as the abrupt transition between paragraphs, which could be smoother to enhance overall flow.
    • How to improve: To improve logical organization, focus on improving the transition between paragraphs. Utilize transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences within paragraphs to create a more cohesive flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the economic impact of pension support or the benefits for retired individuals. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph structure and coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate paragraphs for clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: Aim for each paragraph to have a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point to avoid confusion. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance readability and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence, albeit with some repetition and limited variety. For instance, cohesive devices such as "however" and "in addition" are used to link contrasting and additional points. While these devices contribute to coherence, diversifying the range of cohesive devices and reducing repetition would strengthen the essay’s cohesion further.
    • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices used in the essay, such as employing synonyms for commonly used transition words to avoid repetition. Experiment with a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns, to enhance the flow of ideas and improve overall cohesion. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used judiciously and appropriately to maintain coherence without overwhelming the text with unnecessary connectors.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "subsidies," "entitlement rates," "labor source," "underprivileged," "reintegrate," "productivity," "astronauts," "basic needs," "insurance policies," and "life expectancy." These words effectively convey the author’s ideas and contribute to the depth of the discussion.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the lexical variety, consider integrating more specific vocabulary related to economic principles (e.g., "fiscal implications," "budgetary constraints"), retirement policies (e.g., "pension schemes," "retirement benefits"), and societal impact (e.g., "demographic shifts," "social safety net"). Additionally, utilizing synonyms or alternative expressions for commonly used terms can enhance the essay’s lexical diversity.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For instance, terms like "social welfare," "pension fund," and "insurance policies" are used accurately to convey specific concepts related to financial support systems. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the overall pensioned entitlement rates are increasing" could be refined for clarity and precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "the overall pensioned entitlement rates," consider using more precise terms such as "retirement benefit enrollment rates" or "pension eligibility rates." Additionally, be cautious of using complex or abstract terms if simpler alternatives effectively convey the intended meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors detracting from overall readability. However, there are minor spelling and grammatical inconsistencies, such as "astronauts" (plural) being referenced as "a astronaut" (singular) in one instance. These instances do not significantly impede comprehension but suggest areas for improvement in proofreading and editing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, employ thorough proofreading techniques, including spell-check tools and manual review. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and grammatical errors, ensuring consistency in singular/plural forms, verb agreement, and punctuation usage throughout the essay. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or utilizing professional editing services can help identify and correct overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary and generally maintains spelling accuracy, there are opportunities for refinement to further elevate lexical precision and consistency. By consciously selecting vocabulary to enhance clarity and effectiveness, alongside meticulous proofreading practices, the author can continue to improve their expression in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences like "In my opinion, however, the government should provide social welfare for retired people" are used alongside more complex structures such as "There are several compelling reasons why retired people have to deal with taking some expense matters into their own heads." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance coherence and engagement.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating additional complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or parallel structures. This can be achieved by consciously varying the length and complexity of sentences to maintain reader interest and convey ideas more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some instances where errors in subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing occur. For example, "Despite having many drawbacks, I contend that the pensioners deserve state financial aid" could be revised for smoother phrasing. Additionally, punctuation marks such as commas are sometimes misused or omitted, affecting the clarity of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Pay attention to punctuation marks, particularly commas, to clarify sentence structure and aid reader comprehension. Consider revising awkward phrasing to improve the flow and coherence of the essay. Proofreading carefully can help identify and correct these errors, leading to a more polished final draft.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that individuals should be self-reliant without relying on subsidies. Nevertheless, I maintain that the government should offer social welfare for retirees.

There are several compelling reasons why retired individuals should handle financial matters independently. One primary reason is the increase in pension entitlement rates, leading to a significant burden on the social support budget and potentially impacting the national economy negatively. Additionally, the rise in the number of early retirees, who can sustain themselves due to available pension funds, results in a diminished labor supply, thereby creating a shortage of workers in the job market.

Despite these challenges, I firmly believe that retirees deserve state financial aid. This ensures their sense of fulfillment as they can avoid financial stress, particularly for those who are underprivileged. Furthermore, upon re-entering the labor market, employees receive additional benefits, thereby enhancing overall workforce productivity. For instance, astronauts are awarded substantial pensions for their contributions to the exploration of outer space and participation in perilous missions.

Moreover, providing social welfare for retirees ensures the fulfillment of essential needs, especially healthcare for the elderly. Elderly individuals may incur significant expenses on medical treatments, and insurance policies contribute to an improved standard of living.

In conclusion, while it is acknowledged that a significant increase in retirement pensions can impact the national economy and the labor force quality, I firmly believe that it is imperative for the government to implement policies ensuring the well-being of senior citizens.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này