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Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?

Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?

It is now a norm that children watch an excessive amount of television and do not engage much in active or creative activities. There are many reasons why children nowadays are inactive, it is therefore important to take steps to prevent children from sitting in front of the television for hours. This essay in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend and offers some viable strategies to tackle it.

Some factors that are responsible for this phenomenon could be addictive content, and parents busy at work. The primary reason is that children’s television programs are broadcast all day with addictive content, such as vivid and colorful animation. Cartoon Network and Disney Channel with their day-long series of animation shows are evident examples of this. Another clear reason is that parents nowadays are busy with their work, so they want children to focus on an activity that does not require much of their attention, such as watching television. These two reasons tend to make children spend more time in front of the television screen instead of participating in active or creative activities.
A number of strong measures should be implemented to tackle the issue. The first solution is limiting the amount of time that a child can watch television. This could be done by activating the parental control mode and setting a fixed operating time limit on their television set.
Another feasible solution is that parents could spend more time with their children engaging in outdoor or creative activities. They could, for example, form a family sports team that practices on a regular basis, which may appeal to children more than television.
In conclusion, children tend to watch too much television because of the appealing content on various channels and the lack of playing time with their parents. They may start to join more active and creative activities once their parents spend more time with them and the parental control mode on television sets is activated.

In conclusion, children tend to watch too much television because of the appealing content on various channels and the lack of playing time with their parents. They may start to join more active and creative activities once their parents spend more time with them and the parental control mode on television sets is activated.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is now a norm that children watch an excessive amount of television and do not engage much in active or creative activities." -> "It has become customary for children to consume an excessive amount of television content, leading to a reduced involvement in active or creative pursuits."
    Explanation: Replacing "norm" with "customary" and restructuring the sentence improves formality. Additionally, the use of "consume" instead of "watch" adds variety to the vocabulary.

  2. "There are many reasons why children nowadays are inactive, it is therefore important to take steps to prevent children from sitting in front of the television for hours." -> "Several factors contribute to the current trend of children being inactive; therefore, it is crucial to implement measures to discourage prolonged television viewing."
    Explanation: The revision condenses the statement for clarity. The use of "crucial" enhances the seriousness of the message, and replacing "important to take steps" with "crucial to implement measures" adds formality.

  3. "This essay in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend and offers some viable strategies to tackle it." -> "This essay aims to illuminate the factors contributing to this social trend and proposes viable strategies for its mitigation."
    Explanation: The revised version simplifies the sentence structure and replaces informal phrases like "shed light on the culprits" with more formal alternatives like "illuminate the factors" and "proposes viable strategies for its mitigation."

  4. "Some factors that are responsible for this phenomenon could be addictive content, and parents busy at work." -> "Several factors contributing to this phenomenon include the presence of addictive content and parents’ occupational engagements."
    Explanation: The revised version enhances formality by using "contributing to" instead of "responsible for" and employs more sophisticated language such as "occupational engagements" instead of "busy at work."

  5. "Another clear reason is that parents nowadays are busy with their work, so they want children to focus on an activity that does not require much of their attention, such as watching television." -> "Another evident factor is the contemporary busyness of parents with their professional commitments, leading them to encourage children to engage in activities demanding less attention, such as television viewing."
    Explanation: The revision employs more precise language, such as "contemporary busyness" and "professional commitments," while maintaining the structure of the original sentence.

  6. "They could, for example, form a family sports team that practices on a regular basis, which may appeal to children more than television." -> "For instance, they could establish a family sports team engaging in regular practices, a prospect that may captivate children more than television."
    Explanation: The revised version enhances formality by using "for instance" instead of "for example" and employs more dynamic vocabulary, such as "establish" and "captivate."

  7. "In conclusion, children tend to watch too much television because of the appealing content on various channels and the lack of playing time with their parents." -> "In conclusion, the excessive television consumption among children is attributed to the alluring content on diverse channels and the insufficient recreational time spent with their parents."
    Explanation: The revision maintains formality by using "attributed to" instead of "because of" and replaces "lack of playing time" with "insufficient recreational time," providing a more precise description.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It identifies reasons for increased television watching and proposes measures to encourage children to engage in more active or creative activities. The response is comprehensive, discussing both the causes and solutions in detail.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing more specific examples or details related to the reasons and measures. This could further strengthen the depth of analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, arguing that excessive television watching among children is a result of addictive content and busy parents. The proposed solutions align with this stance, advocating for parental control and increased parental involvement in outdoor activities.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument. Additionally, consider refining the thesis statement to explicitly state the essay’s position for greater emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully presents, extends, and supports ideas. It discusses reasons behind children’s increased television watching with examples like Cartoon Network and Disney Channel. The solutions are well-developed, offering practical suggestions such as parental control activation and forming family sports teams.
    • How to improve: To further enhance idea development, incorporate more varied and specific examples, providing a nuanced perspective on the causes and potential solutions.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the reasons behind increased television watching and suggesting measures to promote active or creative activities. However, the concluding sentence is a repetition of the previous paragraph, which is unnecessary and deviates slightly from the topic.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, avoid redundancy in the conclusion and restate key points in a concise manner. Ensure that the final thoughts directly tie back to the prompt and the main argument presented.

Overall, this essay is well-structured, addresses the prompt comprehensively, and maintains a clear stance throughout. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, refining the thesis statement for greater clarity, incorporating varied examples for idea development, and avoiding unnecessary repetition in the conclusion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the issue, the body paragraphs discuss the reasons, and the conclusion suggests measures to address the problem. However, there is repetition in the concluding sentence, which may affect the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, avoid redundancy, especially in concluding statements. Ensure each section of the essay contributes distinct information without repeating key points.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the second-to-last paragraph repeats the same ideas as the previous one, diminishing the effectiveness of the paragraph structure.
    • How to improve: Maintain a clear and concise structure in each paragraph. In the penultimate paragraph, eliminate redundancy by introducing new information or presenting a different perspective.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("Another clear reason," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("they," "their"). However, there is room for improvement in the transition between the second-to-last and last paragraphs, where the repetition affects cohesion.
    • How to improve: Ensure seamless transitions between paragraphs. Instead of repeating ideas, introduce a new perspective or emphasize the importance of the solutions presented. This will contribute to a smoother flow and enhance overall coherence.

The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of coherence and cohesion, but attention to detail, particularly in avoiding repetition, would elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to introduce varied terms, such as "addictive content," "vivid and colorful animation," and "parental control mode." However, some phrases are repeated, and the overall vocabulary lacks depth and sophistication. For instance, the repeated use of "active or creative activities" could be enriched with more specific terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate more diverse and contextually relevant terms. Instead of using generic phrases like "active or creative activities," the essay could include specific examples such as "participating in sports" or "engaging in artistic pursuits." Additionally, exploring synonyms for commonly used words will contribute to a more varied lexical resource.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is inconsistent. While certain terms like "parental control mode" are specific, there are instances where words like "culprits" may be too strong or vague. The phrase "lack of playing time" could be refined for better precision.
    • How to improve: Strive for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "culprits," terms like "factors" or "contributors" might be more appropriate. Additionally, consider alternatives for "lack of playing time," such as "limited interaction" or "insufficient engagement."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay. However, there is a minor redundancy in the concluding paragraph where the phrase "In conclusion" is repeated.
    • How to improve: While spelling errors are minimal, it’s essential to avoid unnecessary repetition. In the concluding section, omitting the redundant phrase "In conclusion" will contribute to a more polished and concise presentation.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary depth, precision, and minor adjustments to enhance spelling accuracy. These refinements will contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It uses a mix of simple and complex sentences, contributing to overall clarity. For instance, there is effective use of compound sentences like "Another feasible solution is that parents could spend more time with their children engaging in outdoor or creative activities."
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, explore the use of introductory phrases or clauses to add sophistication to your sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where sentence structure could be improved. For example, in the sentence "It is now a norm that children watch an excessive amount of television," it might be more grammatically precise to say, "It has become the norm for children to watch an excessive amount of television."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence construction. Additionally, review the use of articles and prepositions for accuracy. In the above example, restructuring the sentence improves clarity and grammatical precision.

In the essay, punctuation is generally accurate, but there are occasional errors. For instance, in the sentence "This essay in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend," the correct phrase is "This essay, in an attempt to shed light on the culprits of this social trend." Commas are needed to set off introductory phrases for better clarity.

  • How to improve: Review the rules for comma usage, particularly in separating introductory phrases and clauses. Pay attention to situations where commas are necessary for clarity, such as before introductory phrases.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and punctuation, with room for refinement in sentence variety and precision. Focus on incorporating a broader range of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy for further improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has become customary for children to consume an excessive amount of television content, leading to a reduced involvement in active or creative pursuits. Several factors contribute to the current trend of children being inactive; therefore, it is crucial to implement measures to discourage prolonged television viewing. This essay aims to illuminate the factors contributing to this social trend and proposes viable strategies for its mitigation.

Several factors contributing to this phenomenon include the presence of addictive content and parents’ occupational engagements. The primary reason is that children’s television programs are broadcast all day with addictive content, such as vivid and colorful animation. Cartoon Network and Disney Channel with their day-long series of animation shows are evident examples of this. Another evident factor is the contemporary busyness of parents with their professional commitments, leading them to encourage children to engage in activities demanding less attention, such as television viewing.

For instance, they could establish a family sports team engaging in regular practices, a prospect that may captivate children more than television. Another clear reason is that parents nowadays are busy with their work, so they want children to focus on an activity that does not require much of their attention, such as watching television. These two reasons tend to make children spend more time in front of the television screen instead of participating in active or creative activities.

A number of strong measures should be implemented to tackle the issue. The first solution is limiting the amount of time that a child can watch television. This could be done by activating the parental control mode and setting a fixed operating time limit on their television set. Another feasible solution is that parents could spend more time with their children engaging in outdoor or creative activities.

They could, for example, form a family sports team that practices on a regular basis, which may appeal to children more than television. In conclusion, the excessive television consumption among children is attributed to the alluring content on diverse channels and the insufficient recreational time spent with their parents. Children may start to participate in more active and creative activities once their parents spend more time with them, and parental control mode on television sets is activated.

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