Success should be measured by the knowledge a person has, not by the material possessions he or she has acquired. Do you agree with this idea? Give reasons and examples to support your opinion(s).

Success should be measured by the knowledge a person has, not by the material possessions he or she has acquired.
Do you agree with this idea? Give reasons and examples to support your opinion(s).

The concept of success is one which proved enigmatic to the masses. To define the intangible, the tangible is used and in this case, material possessions can equal success. From my perspective, though wealth is undoubtedly a par of lifelong achievement, it cannot suffice as the only criterion.
On the one hand, it stands to reason that properties are physical proof of one's success. Admittedly, material goods define humans in the public eye for deep-rooted social reasons. In the Medieval age, mankind regarded those who owned lands and crops as lords, who reigned supreme over others due to their ability to provide the peasants with food and money. This admiration, therefore, can be a simple product of our physical needs, but also envy towards more affluent individuals. Such a mindset would exert detrimental impacts on the human psychological state. Superficial matters, such as wealth, are likely to be made into objects for unhealthy rivalry.
For example, the Parisian royalties were either executed, robbed or cast away to stranded islands after the Revolution, as their prosperity eventually given rise to a sense of inequality in the minds of the workers, rather than adoration for ruling classes.
In light of the above arguments, it is my conviction that one's intellectual capacity can be the main indicator of success. Knowledge benefits society as a whole, thereby increasing the empathy for intelligent people. A gift, if beneficial to the world, is a useful gift instead of a cause for hatred. Eminent figures, namely Einstein, Jesus Christ or Plato, are well-respected and praised even after their deaths thanks to their contributions, while the rich is bound to be criticized for their hedonism and abuse of power. In short, knowledge plays a pivotal part in the manifestation of true success.
in conclusion, material possessions, though has a role in determining success, is inferior to knowledge in those terms. One should not consider an existence plagued with criticism and envy to be ultimately satisfactory.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "proved enigmatic to the masses" -> "remains enigmatic to many"
   Explanation: The verb "proved" is in the past tense, which is incorrect in this context. Using "remains" corrects the tense to fit the ongoing nature of the concept’s complexity.

2. "the tangible is used and in this case, material possessions can equal success" -> "the tangible is employed to define success, with material possessions being a key aspect of it"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The revision clarifies the relationship between the tangible and material possessions, making it more precise and formal.

3. "it stands to reason" -> "it is logical"
   Explanation: "It stands to reason" is a colloquial expression. "It is logical" is more straightforward and appropriate for academic writing.

4. "properties are physical proof of one’s success" -> "properties serve as tangible evidence of one’s success"
   Explanation: "Physical proof" is somewhat redundant with "properties." "Tangible evidence" is more precise and avoids redundancy.

5. "mankind regarded those who owned lands and crops as lords" -> "society viewed individuals who owned lands and crops as lords"
   Explanation: "Mankind" is a less precise term than "society," which is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.

6. "This admiration, therefore, can be a simple product of our physical needs" -> "This admiration thus stems from our fundamental physical needs"
   Explanation: "This admiration, therefore, can be" is a bit informal and vague. "This admiration thus stems from" is more direct and formal.

7. "Superficial matters, such as wealth, are likely to be made into objects for unhealthy rivalry" -> "Superficial aspects, such as wealth, often become the focus of unhealthy competition"
   Explanation: "Made into objects for unhealthy rivalry" is awkward and unclear. "Become the focus of unhealthy competition" is clearer and more formal.

8. "the rich is bound to be criticized" -> "the wealthy are often criticized"
   Explanation: "The rich" is a singular noun and should be pluralized to "the wealthy" to agree with the plural context. Additionally, "are often criticized" is more precise than "is bound to be."

9. "One should not consider an existence plagued with criticism and envy to be ultimately satisfactory" -> "One should not view an existence plagued by criticism and envy as ultimately fulfilling"
   Explanation: "Plagued with" is informal and "satisfactory" is less precise. "Plagued by" and "fulfilling" are more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding how success should be measured. The author acknowledges the traditional view that material possessions signify success, providing historical context with the example of the Medieval age and the consequences of wealth disparity during the Parisian Revolution. However, the essay ultimately argues that knowledge is a more significant measure of success, supported by references to influential figures like Einstein and Jesus Christ. This balanced approach demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response further, the author could explicitly state their agreement or disagreement with the notion in the introduction, making their position clearer from the outset. Additionally, integrating more contemporary examples or personal anecdotes could strengthen the argument and make it more relatable.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that knowledge is a superior measure of success compared to material possessions. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the second half, where the author discusses the societal benefits of knowledge and the negative perceptions of wealth. However, the introductory paragraph could be more assertive in stating the author’s position to avoid any ambiguity.
  • How to improve: To ensure clarity, the author should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases like "I firmly believe" or "In my opinion" can help reinforce the author’s stance. Additionally, summarizing the main points that support this position in the conclusion would provide a stronger closure.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas regarding the definition of success, extending these ideas with historical examples and references to well-known figures. The use of the Medieval age and the Parisian Revolution as examples illustrates the societal implications of wealth, while the mention of intellectual figures emphasizes the enduring value of knowledge. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration, particularly the psychological impacts of materialism.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author could provide more detailed explanations or additional examples that illustrate the negative effects of valuing material possessions. For instance, discussing modern-day implications of wealth inequality or providing statistics on happiness and wealth could further substantiate the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each point is clearly linked back to the central thesis would enhance coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between success, knowledge, and material possessions. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the historical references, while relevant, could be streamlined to maintain a tighter focus on the argument about knowledge versus material wealth.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the central argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content is relevant. Additionally, avoiding overly complex sentences can help keep the writing clear and focused on the topic at hand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the definition of success, contrasting material possessions with knowledge. The introduction sets the stage effectively, and the body paragraphs are structured to explore both sides of the argument. However, the transition between the discussion of material possessions and the emphasis on knowledge could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the historical context of wealth to the modern implications of knowledge feels abrupt, which can disrupt the reader’s understanding of the argument’s progression.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the negative impacts of materialism, a sentence like "While material success can lead to societal envy, it is intellectual achievement that fosters genuine respect and admiration" could serve as a bridge to the next point about knowledge.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses material possessions, while the second focuses on knowledge. However, the conclusion lacks a clear summary of the main points discussed, which can leave the reader without a strong sense of closure.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the key arguments made in the body paragraphs. This could involve restating the main points about the limitations of material success and the lasting impact of knowledge. A well-rounded conclusion reinforces the essay’s argument and provides a satisfying closure for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "in light of the above arguments," which help to clarify the structure of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit. For example, the phrase "in conclusion" is used, but it could be more effectively integrated with a summary of the preceding arguments.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one by using phrases that indicate relationships, such as "this illustrates that" or "as a result." This will create a more cohesive and fluid reading experience.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on smoother transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further improve the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "enigmatic," "intangible," "detrimental," and "superficial." These words enhance the sophistication of the argument and show an ability to express complex ideas. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or nuanced. For example, the phrase "material possessions can equal success" could be rephrased to "material possessions may symbolize success," which would convey a more precise meaning.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "wealth," alternatives like "affluence," "prosperity," or "financial resources" could be employed. Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or collocations related to success and knowledge would enrich the essay further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "psychological state" and "intellectual capacity." However, there are moments of imprecision that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the rich is bound to be criticized" should be corrected to "the rich are bound to be criticized" to maintain grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the term "properties" in the context of success could be more accurately replaced with "assets" or "resources."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context when selecting vocabulary. A thorough understanding of the nuances of words can help in choosing the most appropriate term. Engaging in exercises that involve matching words with their contexts or using vocabulary in varied sentences can aid in this process.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a strong command of spelling, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "a par of lifelong achievement" should be corrected to "a part of lifelong achievement." Additionally, "has" in "material possessions, though has a role" should be "have" to agree with the plural subject.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer could benefit from proofreading their work more thoroughly. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading. Furthermore, utilizing spell-check tools and practicing commonly misspelled words can improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource with a band score of 7, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing proofreading practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, the phrase "though wealth is undoubtedly a part of lifelong achievement, it cannot suffice as the only criterion" effectively combines a subordinate clause with an independent clause, showcasing a good command of complex structures. Additionally, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "In light of the above arguments" indicates an understanding of discourse markers that help in organizing thoughts. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are presented, which could be more varied.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence beginnings and experiment with different ways to present contrasting ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "On the one hand" and "In light of the above arguments," the writer could use phrases like "Conversely," or "Furthermore," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences could add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, the phrase "material possessions, though has a role in determining success," contains a grammatical error; it should read "though they have a role." Furthermore, punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "though" in the first sentence of the conclusion. The use of "the rich is bound" should be corrected to "the rich are bound" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch subject-verb agreement errors and ensure that all clauses are correctly structured. Practicing sentence correction exercises could help solidify understanding of common grammatical pitfalls. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity and readability. Reading more academic texts could also provide examples of correct grammatical usage and punctuation.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The concept of success is one that remains enigmatic to many. To define the intangible, the tangible is employed, and in this case, material possessions can equal success. From my perspective, though wealth is undoubtedly a part of lifelong achievement, it cannot suffice as the only criterion.

On the one hand, it is logical that properties serve as tangible evidence of one’s success. Admittedly, material goods define humans in the public eye for deep-rooted social reasons. In the Medieval age, society viewed individuals who owned lands and crops as lords, who reigned supreme over others due to their ability to provide the peasants with food and money. This admiration thus stems from our fundamental physical needs, but also from envy towards more affluent individuals. Such a mindset would exert detrimental impacts on the human psychological state. Superficial aspects, such as wealth, often become the focus of unhealthy competition.

For example, the Parisian royalties were either executed, robbed, or cast away to stranded islands after the Revolution, as their prosperity eventually gave rise to a sense of inequality in the minds of the workers, rather than adoration for the ruling classes.

In light of the above arguments, it is my conviction that one’s intellectual capacity can be the main indicator of success. Knowledge benefits society as a whole, thereby increasing empathy for intelligent people. A gift, if beneficial to the world, is a useful gift instead of a cause for hatred. Eminent figures, namely Einstein, Jesus Christ, or Plato, are well-respected and praised even after their deaths thanks to their contributions, while the wealthy are often criticized for their hedonism and abuse of power. In short, knowledge plays a pivotal part in the manifestation of true success.

In conclusion, material possessions, though they have a role in determining success, are inferior to knowledge in this regard. One should not view an existence plagued by criticism and envy as ultimately fulfilling.