Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

I would like to present the result of a survey that studied the most significant factors affecting exam pass rates in three countries: the UK, the US, and Canada. Three hundred 19-year-olds in the UK, the US, and Canada took part in the survey, and you can see the results of the data in the pie chart above. First, similarly, the respondents in the UK and the US also think that the effort is the most important thing to pass the exam, accounting for 41% and 44%, respectively, and in Canada the percentage of this factor is slightly lower, at 30%. The second factor that is considered is skill. The numerous respondents in Canada believe that this factor influences the mark of the exam, up to 60% of the total, and 40% of the respondents in the UK think so too. In contrast, in the US, 12% is the percentage of this factor. Instead, under half of the people in there supposed that luck is the essential factor, exactly at 44%, whereas in the UK and Canada that just accounted for a little bit of the total, only at 19% and 10%. In conclusion, most respondents in the UK and Canada believe that effort and skill significantly affect the rate of the exam, while in the US, the respondents depend more on luck.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Three hundred 19-year-olds" -> "Three hundred nineteen-year-olds"
Explanation: "Three hundred 19-year-olds" is more appropriately expressed as "Three hundred nineteen-year-olds" for formal writing, providing a clearer representation of the age group.
"similarly" -> "likewise"
Explanation: Replacing "similarly" with "likewise" adds a more sophisticated touch to the sentence, maintaining the coherence of thought between the survey participants in the UK and the US.
"think" -> "assert"
Explanation: Substituting "think" with "assert" imparts a more authoritative tone to the statement, suggesting a higher level of confidence in the respondents’ opinions.
"accounting for" -> "constituting"
Explanation: Changing "accounting for" to "constituting" elevates the formality of the sentence, emphasizing the role of effort as a component of the pass rates rather than just its representation.
"the numerous respondents" -> "a substantial number of respondents"
Explanation: Replacing "the numerous respondents" with "a substantial number of respondents" enhances precision and formality, providing a more accurate description of the participants in Canada.
"supposed that" -> "believed"
Explanation: Substituting "supposed that" with "believed" results in a more straightforward and precise expression, improving the clarity of the sentence.
"under half of the people in there" -> "less than half of the individuals there"
Explanation: Changing "under half of the people in there" to "less than half of the individuals there" improves clarity and formality, offering a more specific reference to the respondents in the US.
"depend more on luck" -> "rely more heavily on chance"
Explanation: Replacing "depend more on luck" with "rely more heavily on chance" introduces a more sophisticated and nuanced expression, conveying a deeper understanding of the respondents’ reliance on luck in the US.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by summarizing the information and making relevant comparisons. It presents an overview with information appropriately selected, covering factors influencing exam pass rates in the UK, the US, and Canada. Key features such as the importance of effort, skill, and luck are highlighted and compared among the three countries. However, the details may be somewhat inaccurate, and there is room for improvement in the extension of key points.

How to improve:

Accuracy of Details: Ensure that the data presented is accurate. For instance, the claim that "60% of respondents in Canada believe skill influences the exam mark" needs verification from the provided chart.
Clarity and Structure: Enhance clarity by organizing information more coherently. Consider presenting information in a logical sequence, making it easier for the reader to follow the comparisons between countries.
Depth of Analysis: While key features are identified, there is a scope for a more in-depth analysis. Elaborate on why respondents in different countries may prioritize certain factors, providing a deeper understanding of the trends.
Language Precision: Improve language precision. For instance, instead of saying "the respondents depend more on luck" in the US, specify that 44% of respondents consider luck as essential. This ensures clarity and avoids ambiguity.

By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a higher band score by providing a more accurate, clear, and nuanced analysis of the survey results.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The information is generally organized logically, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. The writer employs cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. The central topic of each paragraph is evident, contributing to the essay’s overall coherence. However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences could be improved, as some connections between ideas feel somewhat mechanical.

How to improve:

Sentence-Level Cohesion: Ensure a smoother flow between sentences by using a variety of cohesive devices more naturally. While the essay effectively uses cohesive devices, some transitions may appear mechanical or forced. Experiment with a wider range of transitional phrases to enhance the fluidity of the essay.
Clarity in Referencing: The referencing of ideas is generally clear, but there are moments where a more precise use of referencing could enhance clarity. Double-check that pronouns and other referencing words unambiguously link back to the intended subjects, avoiding any potential confusion.
Balance in Paragraphing: While the essay uses paragraphs adequately, there are areas where paragraphing could be more logically structured. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single, clear topic or idea, and transitions between paragraphs smoothly to maintain coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but refining sentence-level connections and enhancing clarity in referencing could elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, covering key concepts related to the survey results on exam pass rates. The use of terms like "respondents," "factors," and "pie chart" reflects a commendable lexical variety. Additionally, the writer successfully conveys comparisons between the three countries and their perspectives on factors influencing exam success. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, such as "accounting for" and "supposed that," contributing to a more flexible expression of ideas. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the numerous respondents" and "luck is the essential factor," which slightly affect precision.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining word choice and collocation. Instead of "the numerous respondents," consider using "a significant number of respondents" for more accuracy. Additionally, rephrase "luck is the essential factor" to "luck plays an essential role." These improvements will contribute to a smoother and more precise use of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, such as comparisons and contrasts, and utilizes a mix of sentence forms. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some minor errors that do not significantly impede communication.
How to improve: To enhance the score, aim for more consistent accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Review and revise sentences where errors occur, paying particular attention to verb agreement and sentence structure. Additionally, ensure clarity in expressing ideas, especially in complex sentences, to further refine the essay’s overall grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Title: Factors Influencing Exam Pass Rates in the UK, the US, and Canada

Introduction:
The presented data illustrates the outcomes of a survey conducted to analyze the key factors influencing exam pass rates among 19-year-olds in three countries: the United Kingdom (UK), the United States (US), and Canada. The survey involved 300 participants from each country, and the results are depicted in the accompanying pie chart.

Overview:
Overall, the survey respondents in the UK and the US emphasized the significance of effort in achieving exam success, constituting 41% and 44%, respectively. In Canada, although still notable, the emphasis on effort was slightly lower at 30%. Another noteworthy factor affecting exam performance is skill. In Canada, a substantial 60% of respondents attributed the impact of skill on exam scores, while in the UK, 40% shared a similar perspective. Conversely, in the US, only 12% considered skill as a crucial factor. Luck emerged as a notable factor in the US, with 44% attributing exam success to it. In contrast, in the UK and Canada, luck played a comparatively minor role, accounting for 19% and 10%, respectively.

Detailed Analysis:
Examining the details, both UK and US respondents concur that effort is pivotal to exam success, with only a slight variation in percentages. In Canada, while still significant, the emphasis on effort is notably less. This suggests a shared belief among UK and US respondents regarding the paramount importance of exertion in achieving favorable exam outcomes.

When it comes to skill, Canadian respondents stand out, with a substantial 60% recognizing its impact on exam results. In the UK, 40% of participants shared a similar view, indicating a considerable acknowledgment of the role of skill. In contrast, the US respondents attributed only 12% of exam success to skill, suggesting a notable divergence in perceptions among the three countries.

The role of luck in exam success is particularly pronounced in the US, where 44% of respondents believe it plays a crucial role. On the other hand, luck is comparatively less emphasized in the UK and Canada, with only 19% and 10% of respondents, respectively, considering it a significant factor.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, the survey highlights varying perspectives on the factors influencing exam pass rates in the UK, the US, and Canada. While effort is universally recognized, the significance attributed to skill and luck varies across the three countries. This nuanced understanding provides valuable insights into the diverse attitudes towards achieving success in exams among the surveyed 19-year-olds.