Task 2: Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and get the news. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Task 2: Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and get the news. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
.
With the advance of technology, many people use numerous media platforms as a way to communicate with friends and stay informed with current events .While this poses some influence on our society, the benefits can surpass its drawbacks.
It is understandable why using social media is detrimental to some extent. One drawback is the lack of privacy. Although these applications such as Facebook are equipped with endless protective layers for information by the programmers, they couldn’t wholly prevent the leakage of information from cyber criminals using high-tech tools.From that, the residents can suffer from being stealed of personal data. For instance, the thieves can take advantage of bank accounts to take their money and use it for bad purposes, causing a big influence on the user’s work or lives. Moreover, without accuracy verification, the citizens can interact with immense sources that contain true information or false ones. This leading to aberrant understanding about the news.
However, I believe the benefits it brings are stronger. One clear advantage is that this has innovated how we connect and communicate with others. With only Internet connection, we can utilise numerous platforms ranging from Messenger to Whatsapp. This allows you to get contact with your friends or your family regardless of geographical distances. These platforms also facilitate a convenient environment where you can share your own interests or experience whenever you want. That will be an opportunity to connect with people around the globe in a speedy manner compared to the past. Besides, social media is also a powerful tool for sharing information in real-time. Unlike traditional ways such as newspapers or TV, the online applications are required for the ability to constantly upload and share the latest information immediately. Some social sites, for example, Facebook or Twitter will display many trendy topics or remarkable events that you need to search for,even these sites also recommend users related information that will expand your understanding about other topics.
In conclusion, it is apparent that using social media offers more advantages than disadvantages.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
-
"With the advance of technology" -> "With technological advancements"
Explanation: "With technological advancements" is a more precise and formal way to express the ongoing development of technology, aligning better with academic style. -
"many people use numerous media platforms" -> "many individuals utilize various media platforms"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "utilize" is more precise than "use" in an academic context, emphasizing the intentional action of using media platforms. -
"stay informed with current events" -> "remain informed about current events"
Explanation: "Remain informed about" is a more formal and precise phrase, suitable for academic writing. -
"the benefits can surpass its drawbacks" -> "the benefits outweigh the drawbacks"
Explanation: "Outweigh" is a more commonly used academic term than "surpass," which is less typical in this context. -
"the lack of privacy" -> "the privacy concerns"
Explanation: "Privacy concerns" is a more specific and formal way to describe the issues related to privacy, enhancing the academic tone. -
"endless protective layers" -> "multiple layers of protection"
Explanation: "Multiple layers of protection" is a more precise and formal expression, avoiding the colloquial tone of "endless." -
"couldn’t wholly prevent" -> "could not fully prevent"
Explanation: "Could not fully prevent" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone. -
"stealed of personal data" -> "stolen of personal data"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "stealed" to "stolen." -
"take advantage of bank accounts" -> "exploit bank accounts"
Explanation: "Exploit" is a more precise and formal term than "take advantage of," fitting better in an academic context. -
"use it for bad purposes" -> "utilize them for malicious purposes"
Explanation: "Utilize" and "malicious" are more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone. -
"a big influence" -> "a significant influence"
Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and precise than "big," which is too colloquial for academic writing. -
"aberrant understanding" -> "misconceptions"
Explanation: "Misconceptions" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "aberrant understanding." -
"innovated how we connect" -> "revolutionized the way we connect"
Explanation: "Revolutionized" is a stronger, more formal term that better conveys the significant impact of technology on communication. -
"utilise numerous platforms" -> "utilize various platforms"
Explanation: "Utilize" is correct in this context, and "various" is more precise than "numerous" in describing the diversity of platforms. -
"get contact with" -> "maintain contact with"
Explanation: "Maintain contact with" is a more formal and accurate phrase than "get contact with." -
"share your own interests or experience" -> "share your interests or experiences"
Explanation: "Experiences" is the correct plural form when referring to multiple instances of experience. -
"in a speedy manner" -> "at a rapid pace"
Explanation: "At a rapid pace" is a more formal and precise expression than "in a speedy manner." -
"required for the ability to constantly upload" -> "capable of continuous uploading"
Explanation: "Capable of continuous uploading" is more concise and formal, improving the academic tone. -
"display many trendy topics" -> "feature numerous trending topics"
Explanation: "Feature" is more formal than "display," and "trending" is the correct term for current popular topics. -
"recommend users related information" -> "recommend relevant information to users"
Explanation: "Recommend relevant information to users" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of social media, which is essential for responding to the prompt. The writer identifies drawbacks such as privacy issues and misinformation, while also discussing the benefits of connectivity and real-time information sharing. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the advantages section is more developed than the disadvantages, which may lead to an impression that the response is somewhat one-sided.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of both sides. This could involve providing more examples or elaboration on the disadvantages to match the depth of the advantages discussed. Additionally, a clearer comparison of the two sides could strengthen the argument regarding whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to reinforce the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases to signal shifts in focus more effectively. For instance, explicitly stating "Despite these drawbacks, I believe…" before introducing the advantages would help maintain a clear and consistent position throughout the essay.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to both the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, the support for these ideas varies in strength. For example, the discussion on privacy issues is somewhat vague and lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claims. In contrast, the advantages are supported with more concrete examples, such as the mention of specific platforms like Messenger and WhatsApp.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made, especially for the disadvantages. This could include statistics on data breaches or studies on the impact of misinformation. Additionally, elaborating on how these advantages manifest in everyday life would provide a more compelling argument.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of social media in communication and news dissemination. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the phrase "the residents can suffer from being stealed of personal data" could be more directly tied back to how this impacts their use of social media specifically.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This could involve explicitly linking each disadvantage and advantage to the overall argument, reinforcing the relevance of each point to the thesis.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their essay and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing disadvantages and advantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the drawbacks to the advantages feels abrupt. The essay states the drawbacks in one paragraph and then shifts to advantages without a clear linking sentence or transitional phrase that guides the reader through this shift in focus.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," at the beginning of the paragraph discussing advantages. This will help signal to the reader that a shift in perspective is occurring. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which can help in maintaining focus throughout the discussion.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph appears to focus on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the paragraphs could be more evenly balanced. The paragraph discussing disadvantages is longer and more detailed than the one discussing advantages, which may lead to an imbalance in the argument’s presentation.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by expanding the advantages paragraph with additional examples or details. For instance, you could elaborate on how social media facilitates networking for professional opportunities or community engagement. This would not only balance the paragraphs but also provide a more comprehensive view of the advantages.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "moreover," and "for instance," which help in connecting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This leading to aberrant understanding about the news" lacks a clear subject and feels disconnected from the previous sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore," to add information, "In contrast," to highlight differences, or "Consequently," to show cause and effect. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, perhaps by rephrasing the problematic sentence to clarify its connection to the preceding ideas.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph balance, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "numerous media platforms," "detrimental," and "immense sources." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "social media" and "information." Additionally, some expressions lack variety, such as "the benefits can surpass its drawbacks," which could be rephrased for greater lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "social media," consider alternatives like "digital platforms," "online networks," or "social networking sites." Incorporating a broader array of adjectives and verbs can also enrich the essay. Practicing with vocabulary lists related to the topic of technology and communication may help.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the residents can suffer from being stealed of personal data" uses "stealed," which is incorrect; the correct term is "stolen." Additionally, "aberrant understanding about the news" is awkward; "misunderstanding" or "misinterpretation" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the correct forms of words and their appropriate contexts. Reviewing common collocations and ensuring that verbs and nouns are used together correctly can aid in this. Engaging in exercises that emphasize word usage in context can also be beneficial.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "stealed" instead of "stolen," and "Whatsapp" should be "WhatsApp." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a habit of proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be effective strategies. Additionally, practicing writing exercises that focus on frequently used terms in academic writing may help solidify correct spelling.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively working on these aspects, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future assessments.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "With the advance of technology, many people use numerous media platforms as a way to communicate with friends and stay informed with current events" effectively combines clauses to convey a clear idea. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as "this has innovated how we connect and communicate with others," which could be varied further. The use of phrases like "this leading to aberrant understanding about the news" indicates an attempt at complexity, but the grammatical structure is awkward and could be improved.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "One drawback is…" or "One clear advantage is…", try incorporating participial phrases or adverbial clauses. Additionally, practice combining shorter sentences into more complex ones to enhance fluency. For example, "While social media can lead to misinformation, it also provides a platform for real-time communication" combines contrasting ideas effectively.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the residents can suffer from being stealed of personal data" contains a grammatical error; "stealed" should be "stolen." Additionally, punctuation issues are present, such as the lack of a space after periods and missing commas, which can disrupt the flow of reading. The sentence "Although these applications such as Facebook are equipped with endless protective layers for information by the programmers, they couldn’t wholly prevent the leakage of information from cyber criminals using high-tech tools" is overly long and could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review common verb forms and their correct usage, particularly with irregular verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises focused on verb forms, articles, and prepositions can be beneficial. For punctuation, ensure that you are familiar with the rules regarding commas, particularly in complex sentences. Reading your essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentences may be too lengthy. Additionally, consider breaking up long sentences into shorter, clearer ones to improve readability.
By focusing on these areas for improvement, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing and potentially increase your band score in future assessments.
Bài sửa mẫu
With the advancement of technology, many individuals utilize various media platforms as a means to communicate with friends and remain informed about current events. While this development poses some challenges for our society, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
It is understandable why using social media can be seen as detrimental to some extent. One significant drawback is the lack of privacy. Although applications such as Facebook are equipped with multiple layers of protection for user information, they could not fully prevent the leakage of data from cybercriminals employing high-tech tools. As a result, individuals can suffer from having their personal data stolen. For instance, thieves can exploit bank accounts to access funds and utilize them for malicious purposes, causing a considerable impact on users’ lives and work. Moreover, without proper verification of accuracy, citizens can interact with vast sources that contain both true and false information, leading to misconceptions about current events.
However, I believe the advantages it brings are more substantial. One clear benefit is that social media has revolutionized the way we connect and communicate with others. With just an internet connection, we can utilize various platforms ranging from Messenger to WhatsApp. This allows us to maintain contact with friends and family regardless of geographical distances. These platforms also create a convenient environment where users can share their interests or experiences at any time. This presents an opportunity to connect with people around the globe at a rapid pace compared to the past. Additionally, social media serves as a powerful tool for sharing information in real-time. Unlike traditional methods such as newspapers or television, online applications are capable of continuous uploading and sharing of the latest information immediately. Some social sites, for example, Facebook or Twitter, feature numerous trending topics or remarkable events that users can easily discover, and these platforms also recommend relevant information to users, expanding their understanding of various subjects.
In conclusion, it is evident that using social media offers more advantages than disadvantages.