Task 2: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Task 2: Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some individuals hold a view that reducing differences in incomes between the poorest and the richest is a great solution to achieve a happier community. Personally, I believe that it is not an appropriate method because of its infeasibility and drawbacks.
Firstly, when all members are paid equally, the poor would gain more money to meet their living demands. Moreover, they could have chances to try something new and better living standards. For example, the poor is able to join some entertaining activities and enjoy current utilities that they have never tried so that they would achieve a better life. But this scheme is impossible since the gap in knowledge, and level of academics between them is large. Experts often are paid better than manual workers because the number of people who can solve the hard mission is limited and these exercises also require deep knowledge. While labour only have to complete their work by physical strength which most individuals could do.
The differences between their earning would be an effective motivation for the poor to surpass their obstacles to have a greater life. So happiness would be an award for their efforts and dedication. There are current solutions to give a hand to the poor in overcoming their barriers such as financial aid. With some financial subsidies from the government or some charity organizations, the poor could utilize these budgets to improve their level of life. Moreover, they should be provided more well-paid jobs by some companies, therefore, they could improve their incomes.
In conclusion, while eliminating the gap in earnings between the poorest and the richest is likely infeasible, current methods could be applied to ensure that every resident would have happiness.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals hold a view" -> "Some individuals maintain the view"
   Explanation: "Maintain the view" is a more formal and precise expression, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "a great solution" -> "an effective solution"
   Explanation: "Effective" is more specific and academically appropriate than "great," which can sound overly subjective and informal.

3. "Personally, I believe" -> "I contend"
   Explanation: "I contend" is a more formal and assertive way to express personal belief in an academic context.

4. "it is not an appropriate method" -> "it is not a viable approach"
   Explanation: "Viable approach" is more precise and formal, suggesting feasibility and practicality, which is more suitable for academic writing.

5. "the poor would gain more money" -> "the disadvantaged would receive increased financial support"
   Explanation: "The disadvantaged" is a more formal and inclusive term than "the poor," and "receive increased financial support" is more specific and formal than "gain more money."

6. "chances to try something new and better living standards" -> "opportunities to experience improved living standards"
   Explanation: "Opportunities to experience improved living standards" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "try something new."

7. "the poor is able to" -> "the disadvantaged are able to"
   Explanation: "The disadvantaged" is a more formal and respectful term than "the poor," and "are" agrees with the plural subject "the disadvantaged."

8. "join some entertaining activities" -> "participate in various recreational activities"
   Explanation: "Participate in various recreational activities" is more formal and specific than "join some entertaining activities."

9. "enjoy current utilities" -> "utilize current amenities"
   Explanation: "Utilize current amenities" is more precise and formal than "enjoy current utilities," which is vague and informal.

10. "the gap in knowledge, and level of academics" -> "the disparity in knowledge and academic levels"
    Explanation: "Disparity in knowledge and academic levels" is a more formal and academically precise phrase.

11. "the number of people who can solve the hard mission" -> "the limited number of individuals capable of addressing complex challenges"
    Explanation: "Individuals capable of addressing complex challenges" is more formal and precise than "people who can solve the hard mission."

12. "labour only have to complete their work" -> "manual labor only needs to complete their tasks"
    Explanation: "Manual labor only needs to complete their tasks" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction "labour only have."

13. "So happiness would be an award for their efforts and dedication" -> "Thus, happiness would serve as a reward for their efforts and dedication"
    Explanation: "Thus" is a more formal transitional word than "So," and "serve as a reward" is more formal than "be an award."

14. "give a hand to the poor" -> "assist the disadvantaged"
    Explanation: "Assist the disadvantaged" is more formal and less colloquial than "give a hand to the poor."

15. "financial aid" -> "financial support"
    Explanation: "Financial support" is a more formal term than "financial aid," which is slightly less formal.

16. "improve their level of life" -> "enhance their quality of life"
    Explanation: "Enhance their quality of life" is a more precise and formal expression than "improve their level of life."

17. "every resident would have happiness" -> "every individual would experience happiness"
    Explanation: "Every individual would experience happiness" is more formal and precise than "every resident would have happiness," which is awkwardly phrased.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the idea of reducing income differences as a means to achieve a happier society. The writer clearly states their disagreement with this approach, citing reasons such as infeasibility and the drawbacks of equal pay. However, while the essay touches on the concept of happiness and income disparity, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the implications of both sides of the argument. For instance, the writer mentions the potential benefits for the poor but does not sufficiently explore how reducing income inequality could contribute to societal happiness or provide counterarguments to their position.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should include a more balanced discussion that acknowledges the potential benefits of reducing income inequality, even if they ultimately disagree with the approach. This could involve presenting examples or studies that illustrate how smaller income gaps may lead to greater societal happiness, thereby enriching the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea of reducing income differences, which is commendable. The writer consistently argues that equal pay is impractical due to varying levels of education and expertise. However, the position could be strengthened by ensuring that all points made directly support the central argument. For example, the mention of financial aid and job opportunities for the poor, while relevant, could be better linked to the main argument about the drawbacks of income equality.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should ensure that every paragraph ties back to their main argument. This can be achieved by explicitly stating how each point relates to the central thesis, perhaps by using transitional phrases that reinforce the position against income equality.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the infeasibility of equal pay and the motivation provided by income differences. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the writer discusses the knowledge gap between different job sectors, they do not provide specific examples or data to substantiate their claims. Additionally, the argument about happiness being a reward for effort is somewhat vague and could benefit from more concrete examples or elaboration.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that reinforce their points. For instance, citing research that shows the correlation between income disparity and societal happiness could provide a stronger foundation for their argument. Furthermore, elaborating on how financial aid and job opportunities can lead to improved living standards would enhance the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, there are moments where the discussion veers slightly off course, particularly when discussing financial aid and job opportunities. While these points are relevant, they could be more tightly integrated into the central argument about income equality.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. This can be achieved by regularly referring back to the question and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering it. A clear outline before writing may help in organizing thoughts and maintaining topic relevance throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it would benefit from deeper exploration of the prompt, stronger support for ideas, and tighter focus on the central thesis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the idea of reducing income disparities as a means to achieve a happier society. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression of ideas. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the potential benefits of equal pay for the poor, while the second paragraph counters this by highlighting the limitations of such an approach due to differences in skills and knowledge. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly when moving from discussing the benefits of financial aid to the argument about motivation. This can create a slight disruption in the overall flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Furthermore," can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to separate the discussion on the limitations of equal pay from the exploration of alternative solutions. This would help to clarify the points being made and provide a more structured approach.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones when introducing new ideas or counterarguments. This not only improves readability but also emphasizes the importance of each point. For example, the second paragraph could be split into one discussing the limitations of equal pay and another focusing on the role of financial aid and job opportunities.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," and "Firstly," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied connectors to enhance the flow of information. For instance, the use of "However," is present but could be complemented with other devices like "In contrast," or "Additionally," to create a richer tapestry of connections between ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. This could include using phrases that indicate contrast, addition, or cause and effect. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," consider using "In addition," or "Furthermore," to introduce new points. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the overall quality of the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "incomes," "happiness," "financial aid," and "entertaining activities." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the poorest and the richest," which could be varied to enhance the lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases such as "great solution" and "better living standards" are somewhat simplistic and could be replaced with more sophisticated alternatives.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the poorest and the richest," they could use "lower-income individuals" and "affluent members of society." Additionally, employing more complex vocabulary, such as "economic disparity" or "socioeconomic status," would elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the poor is able to join some entertaining activities" should be "the poor are able to join some entertaining activities," as "poor" refers to a group of people. Similarly, "the gap in knowledge, and level of academics" is awkwardly phrased; it could be more clearly expressed as "the disparity in educational attainment and knowledge."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure subject-verb agreement and choose words that accurately convey their intended meaning. They could revise phrases for clarity, such as changing "hard mission" to "complex tasks" or "challenging problems," which would provide a clearer understanding of the context.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a few spelling errors, such as "labour" (which is correct in British English but should be consistent with the chosen variant) and "therefore," which is misspelled as "therefore." Additionally, "individuals" is used correctly, but the phrase "the poor could utilize these budgets" could be improved for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and ensuring consistency in language variant (British vs. American English). Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing apps can also help catch errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("when all members are paid equally, the poor would gain more money to meet their living demands") and conditional phrases ("if the gap in knowledge…"). However, the overall range is somewhat limited, with many sentences following a similar structure. For example, the repeated use of simple conjunctions like "and" and "but" leads to a monotonous rhythm. Additionally, some sentences are overly long and could benefit from being broken down for clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound sentences, as well as varying the use of conjunctions and transitions. For instance, using phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Conversely" can help introduce new ideas more effectively. Practicing the use of relative clauses and participial phrases can also enhance the complexity of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "the poor is able to join some entertaining activities" should be "the poor are able to join some entertaining activities," as "the poor" is a plural noun. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "labour only have to complete their work," which should be "labour only has to complete their work." Punctuation errors include missing commas that could help clarify meaning, particularly in complex sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that plural nouns are matched with plural verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can help. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation in context, aiding in the development of these skills.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals maintain the view that reducing differences in incomes between the poorest and the richest is an effective solution to achieve a happier community. Personally, I contend that this approach is not viable due to its impracticality and potential drawbacks.

Firstly, if all members were paid equally, the disadvantaged would receive increased financial support to meet their living demands. Moreover, they could have opportunities to experience improved living standards. For example, the disadvantaged are able to participate in various recreational activities and utilize current amenities that they have never tried, allowing them to achieve a better quality of life. However, this scheme is unrealistic since the disparity in knowledge and academic levels between individuals is significant. Experts often receive higher pay than manual workers because the limited number of individuals capable of addressing complex challenges is small, and these roles require specialized knowledge. In contrast, manual labor typically only needs individuals to complete their tasks using physical strength, which most people can do.

The differences in earnings can serve as an effective motivation for the disadvantaged to overcome their obstacles and strive for a better life. Thus, happiness would serve as a reward for their efforts and dedication. There are current solutions to assist the disadvantaged in overcoming their barriers, such as financial support. With some financial subsidies from the government or charitable organizations, the disadvantaged could utilize these funds to enhance their quality of life. Furthermore, they should be provided with more well-paid job opportunities by companies, enabling them to improve their incomes.

In conclusion, while eliminating the gap in earnings between the poorest and the richest is likely not feasible, current methods could be applied to ensure that every individual would experience happiness.