The bar chart below shows social media use in Americans ages 12-24 between 2014 and 2015.

The given chart indicates the changes in theproportion of American teenagers and young adults using differnt social media apps in 2 years of 2017 and 2015.

Overall, the data is analyzed into 2 specific groups consisting of the mainly used applications such as Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and the less famous ones like Twitter, Vine and Tumblr. In this period, Facebook occupied the top with the most significant users whereas Tumber had the minority.

In term of the frequently used apps, Facebook apps was the most famous on about 80% users in 2014 but the value had been reduced modestly to 74% in the next year. On the other hand, the other two popular ones had a different pattern when while Instagram had a slight increase of 6%, Snapchat witnessed a noticeable rocket of approxiamately 11%.

Regarding the lower used social media, Twitter and Tumbler had the same going down movement when Twitter users had decreased dramatically by 4% and there was an outstanding plummet of 7% for the vale of Tumblr. However, there was no particular variation in the percentage of young customers of Vine apps when it remained the same value of 30% in this period of 1 year.

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Errors and Improvements:

"differnt" -> "different"
Explanation: "Different" is the correct spelling of the word, maintaining clarity and professionalism in the essay.
"theproportion" -> "the proportion"
Explanation: Adding a space between "the" and "proportion" corrects the formatting error and improves readability.
"analyzed into" -> "categorized into"
Explanation: "Categorized into" is a more precise and formal term for organizing data into specific groups.
"consisting of the mainly used applications" -> "comprising the predominantly used applications"
Explanation: "Comprising" is a more sophisticated term for indicating the composition of a group, and "predominantly" emphasizes the most commonly used applications.
"Tumber" -> "Tumblr"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "Tumblr" ensures accuracy in referencing the social media platform.
"In term of" -> "In terms of"
Explanation: Adding "s" to "term" makes the phrase grammatically correct.
"Frequently" -> "Frequent"
Explanation: Using the adjective form "frequent" instead of the adverb "frequently" maintains consistency in phrasing and readability.
"apps was" -> "apps were"
Explanation: "Apps" is a plural noun, so it should be paired with the plural verb "were" for subject-verb agreement.
"approxiamately" -> "approximately"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "approximately" ensures accuracy in conveying the data.
"rocket" -> "rise"
Explanation: "Rise" is a more precise and formal term for indicating an increase, enhancing the sophistication of the language used.
"going down movement" -> "decline"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more concise and formal term for describing a downward movement or decrease.
"plummet" -> "plunge"
Explanation: "Plunge" is a more vivid and formal term for describing a sudden and steep decrease.
"vale" -> "value"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "value" ensures accuracy in referencing the data being discussed.
"there was no particular variation" -> "there was no significant fluctuation"
Explanation: "Significant fluctuation" conveys the idea of changes more precisely and formally than "particular variation."
"young customers" -> "youth"
Explanation: "Youth" is a more formal and encompassing term for referring to young people in this context.
"when it remained the same value of" -> "with the value remaining unchanged at"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence with "with the value remaining unchanged at" improves clarity and flow while maintaining formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the changes in social media use among Americans aged 12-24 between 2014 and 2015. The essay adequately presents and highlights key features, such as the main social media platforms and their respective changes in usage. However, there are some inaccuracies and areas where the details could be more relevant and accurate.
How to improve: To improve, ensure accuracy in data representation and avoid inaccuracies in reporting. Provide clearer and more relevant details to support the overview. Additionally, pay attention to grammar and sentence structure for better clarity and coherence. Consider incorporating more specific data points and comparisons for a more comprehensive analysis.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents some organization by dividing the social media apps into two groups and describing their changes over time. However, there is a lack of overall progression, as the essay jumps between different apps without a clear structure. Some cohesive devices are used, but there are instances of inaccurate usage and repetition. Paragraphing is attempted, but it lacks logical organization, and transitions between paragraphs are weak.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on creating a clearer structure for the essay. Start with an introduction that outlines the main trends observed in the chart. Then, organize the body paragraphs logically, perhaps discussing each app separately and its changes over the two years. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain the flow of ideas. Additionally, use cohesive devices more accurately and sparingly to connect ideas effectively without being repetitive. Finally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and follows a logical progression of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, which is minimally adequate for the task. There is an attempt to use some less common vocabulary, such as "proportion" and "rocket", but overall, the vocabulary remains basic and repetitive. Additionally, there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation, such as "frequently used apps" instead of "popular apps" and "had the minority" which could be better expressed. Some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "differnt" instead of "different" and "approxiamately" instead of "approximately", are also present.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by incorporating more precise and varied terms related to the topic. They can achieve this by using synonyms, exploring different word forms, and avoiding repetitive language. Additionally, paying attention to spelling and word formation will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay attempts to use a variety of sentence structures, but there are notable issues with accuracy and clarity throughout. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but they are often marred by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, leading to some difficulty in understanding. The essay lacks consistency in maintaining error-free sentences, and punctuation is frequently faulty. Complex sentences are attempted but tend to be less accurate than simple sentences.

How to improve: Focus on improving sentence structure and accuracy by paying attention to grammar rules and sentence construction. Practice writing more complex sentences and ensure they are grammatically correct. Review punctuation rules to enhance clarity and coherence in the essay. Additionally, strive for greater clarity and precision in expression to improve overall readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates changes in the usage of various social media platforms among American teenagers and young adults over the span of two years, from 2014 to 2015.

In general, the data is segmented into two distinct categories: prominently utilized applications, including Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, and lesser-known platforms like Twitter, Vine, and Tumblr. During this timeframe, Facebook emerged as the most utilized platform, whereas Tumblr garnered the least usage.

Concerning the frequently accessed applications, Facebook dominated with approximately 80% of users in 2014, experiencing a modest decline to 74% in the subsequent year. Conversely, Instagram witnessed a slight increase of 6%, while Snapchat saw a notable surge of approximately 11%.

In terms of less utilized social media, both Twitter and Tumblr experienced a downward trend. Twitter usage declined dramatically by 4%, while Tumblr saw a significant drop of 7%. However, the percentage of young users remained constant for Vine, maintaining a steady 30% throughout the one-year period.