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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of women and men doing exercise in six portions of the group Australian in 2010.
Overall, it can be seen that the highest percentage of almost people who did exercise was male, while females consistently accounted for the lowest proportion. Furthermore, a significant fluctuation in the proportion of people practicing physical activity can be seen over the period given.
The percentage of males who did exercise started at just 47.7% in people aged 15 to 24. This figure rose steadily to 52.5% in people aged 35 to 44, the rate then remained relatively stable from 45 to 64 years old (about 53%). In people aged 65 and over, the rate dropped to 47.1%.
In terms of females who practice physical activity, the figure reached a peak at 52.5% in people aged 15 to 24, before falling gradually to 39.5% in the 35 to 44 years old group. From this point, the proportion of women climbed slightly about 46% in people aged 65 and over


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "almost people" -> "individuals"
    Explanation: "Almost people" is not a natural phrase. "Individuals" is a more formal and precise term to refer to people.
  2. "significant fluctuation" -> "substantial variation"
    Explanation: "Fluctuation" implies irregular changes, while "variation" encompasses a broader range of changes, often implying a more structured pattern.
  3. "started at just" -> "commenced at only"
    Explanation: "Started at just" lacks formality. "Commenced at only" provides a more sophisticated alternative.
  4. "rate then remained relatively stable" -> "percentage then stabilized"
    Explanation: "Rate" is a bit informal in this context. Using "percentage" maintains consistency and clarity. "Stabilized" is more concise than "remained relatively stable."
  5. "about 53%" -> "approximately 53%"
    Explanation: "About" is less precise than "approximately" in academic or formal writing.
  6. "climbed slightly about 46%" -> "rose slightly to around 46%"
    Explanation: "Climbed slightly about" is awkward. "Rose slightly to around" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by summarizing the main features of the bar chart, providing an overview of the trends in physical activity among different age groups for both men and women in Australia in 2010. Key features, such as the highest and lowest proportions of physical activity for men and women, are clearly presented. The essay also highlights the fluctuations in physical activity rates across different age groups for both genders. However, there is room for improvement in fully developing the response. The analysis could be more detailed, and the explanation of trends could be extended further.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could provide more specific data points from the chart to support the analysis. Additionally, expanding on the reasons behind the observed trends, such as societal factors or health initiatives, would enhance the depth of the response. Finally, ensuring coherence and cohesion in the presentation of ideas would strengthen the overall clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information coherently and there is a discernible overall progression. The introduction provides a brief overview of the data presented in the bar chart, indicating an attempt at coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a specific age group, providing a logical structure to the essay. However, there are areas where coherence could be improved. For instance, there are minor issues with sentence structure and clarity, affecting the flow of ideas. Additionally, while the essay attempts to use cohesive devices to link ideas, some sentences lack clarity and cohesion. Paragraphing is utilized, but there are minor inconsistencies in logical transitions between paragraphs.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on improving sentence structure and clarity. Ensure that each sentence contributes clearly to the overall argument and maintains logical progression. Pay close attention to the use of cohesive devices, ensuring they are used consistently and effectively to connect ideas within and between sentences. Additionally, refine the use of paragraphing to ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and maintain a clear organizational structure throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including descriptive terms like "proportion," "fluctuation," and "practice physical activity." There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion" and "significant fluctuation," though some inaccuracies are present, like "almost people" instead of "almost all people" or "almost everyone." However, the essay lacks sophistication in lexical features and could benefit from more varied and precise vocabulary choices. Additionally, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "in six portions of the group Australian" which is awkward and unclear phrasing.

How to improve:

  1. Increase the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used. Aim for precise and accurate word choices throughout the essay.
  2. Focus on improving collocation to ensure that words are used in appropriate combinations for clarity and fluency.
  3. Proofread the essay to eliminate minor errors in word choice, spelling, and grammar to enhance overall coherence and communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of structures and includes some complex sentences, such as "The bar chart illustrates the proportion of women and men doing exercise in six portions of the group Australian in 2010." However, there are frequent grammatical errors and issues with sentence construction throughout the essay. For instance, "the highest percentage of almost people who did exercise was male" lacks clarity and grammatical accuracy. Additionally, punctuation errors are noticeable, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures with greater precision. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Also, aim for clarity and coherence in expressing ideas to enhance overall readability and comprehension.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here is the improved version of the IELTS Task 1 report:


The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Australian men and women participating in regular physical activity across different age groups in 2010.

Overall, it can be seen that the highest percentage of individuals engaging in exercise was male, while females consistently accounted for the lowest proportion. Furthermore, there was significant fluctuation in the participation rates over the given period.

The percentage of males engaging in exercise started at just 47.7% in the 15 to 24 age group, rising steadily to 52.5% in the 35 to 44 age group. The rate then remained relatively stable, around 53%, for those aged 45 to 64 years old. However, it dropped to 47.1% for those aged 65 and over.

For females, the figure reached a peak of 52.5% in the 15 to 24 age group, before gradually declining to 39.5% in the 35 to 44 age group. From this point, the proportion of women increased slightly to about 46% for those aged 65 and over.


This version retains the original data and structure while refining the grammar and clarity of expression. The vocabulary and sentence structure have been adjusted slightly to ensure clarity and accuracy without altering the original meaning.

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