The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The best way for a country to prepare for the future is to invest more resources in its young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

There is an opinion that investing greater resources in its young generations is the main way to develop a country in the future .In my view, I completely agree with this view as allocating more resources to young people can significantly benefit a nation in various aspects.
To commence with, the primary justification for my approval of investing more finances on young people is that increasing public spending on education to ensure sufficient resources for school and educational programs.We should use funds to build more systems based on students’ subjects or meets the needs of studying such as classrooms,libraries or technology resources.Additionally,remote areas should be taken care of by the government,there are very few schools and universities or almost none, and teachers are often not as highly qualified as teachers in the city, leading to the fact that learning here cannot be compared to urban areas.For example,Singapore has invested heavily in building and maintaining cutting-edge schools,which has contributed to its reputation as a country with top quality education.
Another rationale behind my support for agreement about investing in the youth is that investing in healthcare in youth .Healthcare investment concludes the increasing labor productivity and reducing the risk of diseases.Nowadays, young people are the important resources for the future so financial support in healthcare helped they improve educational knowledge and capable workforce.A healthy young generations will create a better social community.
In conclusion,I strongly agree with this statement that investing more resources in the younger generations is a strategic approach for countries to develop for the future .A skilled and healthy workforce that will generate more economic value and develop social community.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "There is an opinion that investing greater resources in its young generations is the main way to develop a country in the future." -> "There is a prevailing belief that allocating greater resources to its younger generations is the primary means of fostering a country’s future development."
   Explanation: Replacing "opinion" with "belief" and rephrasing the sentence enhances formality and clarity. "Allocating greater resources" is more precise than "investing greater resources," and "fostering a country’s future development" is a more nuanced alternative to "developing a country in the future."

2. "In my view, I completely agree with this view as allocating more resources to young people can significantly benefit a nation in various aspects." -> "From my perspective, I wholeheartedly endorse this notion, as channeling additional resources toward young people can yield significant benefits for a nation across multiple domains."
   Explanation: "In my view, I completely agree with this view" is redundant and overly informal. "From my perspective" maintains the author’s stance while adhering to academic style. "Endorse" is a more formal alternative to "agree," and "notion" is a sophisticated synonym for "view." "Channeling additional resources" is more precise than "allocating more resources," and "yield significant benefits for a nation across multiple domains" is a more formal and comprehensive expression.

3. "To commence with, the primary justification for my approval of investing more finances on young people is that increasing public spending on education to ensure sufficient resources for school and educational programs." -> "To begin with, the primary rationale for advocating increased financial investment in young people lies in augmenting public expenditure on education to guarantee adequate resources for schools and educational initiatives."
   Explanation: "To commence with" is less formal than "To begin with." "Justification for my approval" is verbose and informal; "rationale for advocating" is more concise and academic. "Investing more finances on young people" should be "investing more financial resources in young people." "Augmenting public expenditure" is a more formal phrasing than "increasing public spending." "Guarantee adequate resources" is clearer than "ensure sufficient resources."

4. "We should use funds to build more systems based on students’ subjects or meets the needs of studying such as classrooms, libraries or technology resources." -> "Funds should be allocated to establish additional infrastructure tailored to students’ academic disciplines, meeting the demands of education, including classrooms, libraries, and technological resources."
   Explanation: "We should use funds" can be made more formal and passive to adhere to academic tone: "Funds should be allocated." "Based on students’ subjects or meets the needs of studying" is awkward and unclear; "tailored to students’ academic disciplines, meeting the demands of education" is more precise. "Such as" can be replaced with "including" for greater formality.

5. "Additionally, remote areas should be taken care of by the government, there are very few schools and universities or almost none, and teachers are often not as highly qualified as teachers in the city, leading to the fact that learning here cannot be compared to urban areas." -> "Moreover, it is imperative for the government to address the needs of remote areas, where educational infrastructure is scarce or virtually nonexistent, and teachers frequently lack the qualifications seen in urban settings, resulting in an educational disparity between rural and urban regions."
   Explanation: "Remote areas should be taken care of by the government" can be more formally expressed as "the government should address the needs of remote areas." "There are very few schools and universities or almost none" is unclear and informal; "where educational infrastructure is scarce or virtually nonexistent" is more precise. "Teachers are often not as highly qualified as teachers in the city" can be improved to "teachers frequently lack the qualifications seen in urban settings" for clarity and formality. "Leading to the fact that" can be omitted for conciseness and replaced with "resulting in."

6. "Another rationale behind my support for agreement about investing in the youth is that investing in healthcare in youth." -> "Another rationale underpinning my endorsement of investing in the youth pertains to healthcare investment in young individuals."
   Explanation: "Behind my support for agreement about investing in the youth" is awkward and informal; "underpinning my endorsement of investing in the youth" is clearer and more formal. "Investing in healthcare in youth" lacks clarity; "healthcare investment in young individuals" is more precise.

7. "Healthcare investment concludes the increasing labor productivity and reducing the risk of diseases." -> "Healthcare investment contributes to enhanced labor productivity and mitigates disease risk."
   Explanation: "Concludes the increasing labor productivity and reducing the risk of diseases" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; "contributes to enhanced labor productivity and mitigates disease risk" is a clearer and more concise expression.

8. "Nowadays, young people are the important resources for the future so financial support in healthcare helped they improve educational knowledge and capable workforce." -> "Presently, young people represent invaluable assets for the future; therefore, financial support in healthcare facilitates the enhancement of their educational attainment and contributes to the development of a skilled workforce."
   Explanation: "Nowadays" is colloquial and can be replaced with "presently" for formality. "The important resources for the future" lacks precision and formality; "invaluable assets for the future" is more appropriate. "Helped they improve" is grammatically incorrect; "facilitates the enhancement of their educational attainment" is clearer. "Capable workforce" can be replaced with "skilled workforce" for precision.

9. "A healthy young generations will create a better social community." -> "A healthy young generation will contribute to the establishment of a stronger social fabric."
   Explanation: "A healthy young generations" is grammatically incorrect; "a healthy young generation" is the correct form. "Create a better social community" can be replaced with "contribute to the establishment of a stronger social fabric" for clarity and formality.

10. "In conclusion, I strongly agree with this statement that investing more resources in the younger generations is a strategic approach for countries to develop for the future." -> "In conclusion, I firmly support the assertion that increasing resource allocation to younger generations constitutes a strategic approach for countries to cultivate future development."
    Explanation: "I strongly agree with this statement" can be replaced with "I firmly support the assertion" for formality. "Investing more resources in the younger generations" can be revised to "increasing resource allocation to younger generations" for clarity. "Is a strategic approach for countries to develop for the future" can be streamlined to "constitutes a strategic approach for countries to cultivate future development" for conciseness and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It agrees with the statement and provides reasons for this stance, supported by relevant examples.

  • The introduction clearly presents the writer’s position, agreeing with the notion that investing in young people is crucial for a country’s future development.

  • The body paragraphs discuss two main aspects of investing in young people: education and healthcare, supporting the argument with specific examples and reasoning.

  • The conclusion reinforces the writer’s agreement with the statement and summarizes the main points effectively.

  • How to improve: While the essay does address all parts of the question, there is room for improvement in terms of depth and elaboration. Providing more nuanced reasoning and additional examples could strengthen the argument further. Moreover, a clearer structure with topic sentences for each body paragraph could enhance coherence and organization.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for the idea that investing in young people is essential for a country’s future development.

  • The introduction clearly states the writer’s agreement with the statement.

  • Each body paragraph presents a distinct reason supporting the argument (education and healthcare investment), contributing to the coherence and clarity of the essay.

  • The conclusion reaffirms the writer’s stance, leaving no ambiguity about their position.

  • How to improve: While the position is clear, enhancing the depth of analysis and providing counterarguments could demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the issue. Acknowledging potential counterpoints and addressing them strengthens the argument and showcases critical thinking skills.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas with relevant examples and reasoning.

  • Each paragraph introduces a new idea (education and healthcare investment) and elaborates on its importance.

  • Examples, such as Singapore’s investment in education, and reasoning are provided to support each point.

  • The essay connects ideas logically, demonstrating a coherent progression of thought.

  • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, providing more varied and detailed examples, as well as incorporating statistics or research findings, could strengthen the argumentation. Additionally, ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs can improve the overall flow of ideas.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the importance of investing in young people for a country’s future development.

  • Each paragraph directly addresses the prompt by discussing different aspects of investing in youth (education and healthcare).

  • While the essay maintains relevance to the topic, some minor digressions or repetitions could be streamlined for greater focus.

  • How to improve: To ensure complete adherence to the topic, carefully reviewing each paragraph to eliminate any tangential discussions or repetitive points is recommended. Additionally, maintaining a clear thesis statement throughout the essay can help guide the discussion and prevent straying from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization by presenting two main points supporting the argument: investment in education and investment in healthcare for young people. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of these points, providing examples and explanations.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between paragraphs for smoother flow. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its respective point without straying into unrelated topics.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to structure the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, such as education or healthcare, and presents supporting details within that context.
  • How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is appropriate, strive for more consistency in paragraph length to avoid potential disruption in the flow of ideas. Also, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "to commence with," "additionally," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("this view," "my approval"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by signaling shifts in ideas and connecting different parts of the essay.
  • How to improve: While cohesive devices are present, there is room to expand their range and usage. Introduce a wider array of transition words and phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that pronouns are used consistently to avoid confusion and maintain clarity throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas into logical paragraphs and utilizing cohesive devices to connect them. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, maintaining consistency in paragraph structure, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied terms such as "allocating," "justification," "sufficient," "cutting-edge," "reputation," "strategic approach," and "economic value." These words contribute to conveying the ideas effectively and add depth to the discussion.
  • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary usage, consider incorporating more specific academic or domain-specific terms related to education and healthcare. For instance, using terms like "pedagogical methods," "educational infrastructure," "preventive healthcare measures," or "public health initiatives" can elevate the lexical sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, such as "investing," "public spending," "labor productivity," and "healthcare investment." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more specific or nuanced. For example, instead of using "young generations" repeatedly, consider using "youth demographics," "adolescents," or "emerging workforce" where appropriate to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to the repetition of certain terms and strive for lexical variety by incorporating synonyms or related terms. This will not only prevent monotony but also showcase a more nuanced understanding of the topic.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed. For instance, "finances" should be "financial resources" for clearer expression, and "they improve educational knowledge" could be revised to "they improve their educational knowledge."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy further, consider proofreading the essay systematically to catch minor errors. Utilize spell-check tools and allocate specific time for reviewing spelling and grammar before finalizing the writing.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong lexical resource, showcasing a wide range of vocabulary with mostly precise usage and minor spelling errors. By incorporating more specific and varied vocabulary related to the topic and paying attention to spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall lexical quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of sentence structures. The majority of sentences follow a similar pattern, which can make the essay feel repetitive and lackluster. For instance, many sentences begin with introductory phrases such as "To commence with" and "Another rationale behind my support for agreement." While these phrases can be effective in organizing ideas, their frequent repetition diminishes the overall impact. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in sentence lengths and structures, which could hinder the essay’s readability and engagement.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, inverted sentences, or rhetorical devices like parallelism and antithesis. Varying sentence lengths and structures will add dynamism to your writing and hold the reader’s attention more effectively. Furthermore, strive to avoid overreliance on introductory phrases by exploring alternative ways to transition between ideas and paragraphs. Finally, ensure that each sentence contributes meaningfully to the overall coherence and clarity of your essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage, but there are several instances of errors and inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("increasing public spending… ensure sufficient resources"), article usage ("a skilled and healthy workforce"), and sentence structure ("Healthcare investment concludes the increasing labor productivity"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("To commence with") and inconsistent capitalization ("Healthcare investment").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, especially when dealing with complex sentence structures or compound subjects. Review the rules for article usage to ensure that you use "a" or "an" appropriately before singular countable nouns. Furthermore, strive for consistency in punctuation usage, including the correct placement of commas, periods, and capitalization. Proofreading your work carefully, preferably after taking a break to refresh your perspective, can help you identify and correct these errors effectively. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to catch overlooked mistakes and refine your writing further.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevailing belief that allocating greater resources to its younger generations is the primary means of fostering a country’s future development. From my perspective, I wholeheartedly endorse this notion, as channeling additional resources toward young people can yield significant benefits for a nation across multiple domains.

To begin with, the primary rationale for advocating increased financial investment in young people lies in augmenting public expenditure on education to guarantee adequate resources for schools and educational initiatives. Funds should be allocated to establish additional infrastructure tailored to students’ academic disciplines, meeting the demands of education, including classrooms, libraries, and technological resources. Moreover, it is imperative for the government to address the needs of remote areas, where educational infrastructure is scarce or virtually nonexistent, and teachers frequently lack the qualifications seen in urban settings, resulting in an educational disparity between rural and urban regions. Another rationale underpinning my endorsement of investing in the youth pertains to healthcare investment in young individuals. Healthcare investment contributes to enhanced labor productivity and mitigates disease risk. Presently, young people represent invaluable assets for the future; therefore, financial support in healthcare facilitates the enhancement of their educational attainment and contributes to the development of a skilled workforce. A healthy young generation will contribute to the establishment of a stronger social fabric.

In conclusion, I firmly support the assertion that increasing resource allocation to younger generations constitutes a strategic approach for countries to cultivate future development.