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The chart below shows the percentage of Australian people who were born in different places of the world.

The chart below shows the percentage of Australian people who were born in different places of the world.

The picture illustrates the proportion of Australian people borned in several kind of places in the world from 1976 to 2011. Overall, the number of Australian born in the UK seemed decrease while this figures of Asian and others was go up.
In 1976, Australian people who was born in Asian began low at under 5%,the lowest point in the chart. The highest was the UK at nearly 15 % which was one and a half times this in the others. From 1976 to 2011, thisperiods witnessed a sharp rise in Australian born in Asian, from 4% to 15%. In that period, the figure in the others tend to increase, too. Although between 1981 and 1996,there was a significant decline, others still is the second highest point at around 14% in 2011.However, used to be the highest point at first, Australian born in the UK in 2011 hadjust only 5% left.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "borned" -> "born"
    Explanation: "Borned" is not a correct past participle; the correct form is "born." Using the accurate term enhances the precision and formality of the language.

  2. "seemed decrease" -> "appeared to decrease"
    Explanation: "Seemed decrease" is an awkward construction. Replacing it with "appeared to decrease" maintains a more formal tone and clarity in expressing the decline.

  3. "this figures" -> "the figures"
    Explanation: "This figures" is grammatically incorrect. The correct form is "the figures." Using the definite article improves grammatical accuracy and formality.

  4. "was go up" -> "was increasing"
    Explanation: "Was go up" is not a grammatically correct construction. Replacing it with "was increasing" provides a more precise and formal description of the upward trend.

  5. "Australian people who was born" -> "Australians who were born"
    Explanation: "Australian people who was born" should be corrected to "Australians who were born" to ensure subject-verb agreement and maintain a formal tone.

  6. "began low at" -> "started at a low point of"
    Explanation: "Began low at" can be refined to "started at a low point of" for a more formal expression and to avoid informal language.

  7. "thisperiods" -> "this period"
    Explanation: "Thisperiods" is a spacing error. Separating the words to "this period" ensures correct grammar and maintains formality.

  8. "Australian born in Asian" -> "Australians born in Asia"
    Explanation: "Australian born in Asian" should be corrected to "Australians born in Asia" for proper preposition use and clarity.

  9. "from 4% to 15%" -> "from 4% to 15 percent"
    Explanation: Using "percent" instead of the symbol "%" is more formal in academic writing.

  10. "figure in the others" -> "figure for others"
    Explanation: "Figure in the others" can be refined to "figure for others" for more precise and formal language.

  11. "significant decline, others still is" -> "a significant decline; however, others still constitute"
    Explanation: The phrase "significant decline, others still is" lacks clarity. Separating the ideas and rephrasing to "a significant decline; however, others still constitute" improves structure and formality.

  12. "hadjust only 5%" -> "had only 5%"
    Explanation: "Hadjust only 5%" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "had only 5%" maintains formality and grammatical accuracy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the prompt. It appropriately introduces the chart and gives an overall summary of the trends observed over the years. However, the analysis is somewhat limited. It fails to provide specific data points from the chart, such as percentages for each category in 1976 and 2011.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into the specifics of the chart, providing accurate and relevant data to support the analysis. A more comprehensive examination of the chart details will contribute to a more thorough response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear stance or argument. While it narrates the trends, it doesn’t take a position or provide a viewpoint on the significance of the changes. The reader is left without a distinct understanding of the author’s perspective.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should establish a clear standpoint on the implications of the depicted changes. Whether discussing the impact on Australian society, demographics, or policy, a consistent and evident position will strengthen the overall argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a basic presentation of ideas but lacks depth and elaboration. It mentions trends without offering sufficient context or analysis. Examples and evidence from the chart are sparse, making the content feel somewhat underdeveloped.
    • How to improve: To enhance the presentation, the essay should provide more detailed explanations for each observed trend. Extend the discussion by including specific percentages and patterns from the chart, supporting each point with evidence. This will contribute to a more robust and convincing argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains focus on the topic of the chart but suffers from language issues that affect clarity. Phrasing such as "borned" and "this figures" may confuse the reader. Additionally, some sentences lack coherence, affecting the overall flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, the essay should use accurate language and improve sentence structure. Clear and concise expression of ideas will not only enhance readability but also ensure that the essay remains on point and coherent throughout.

In conclusion, while the essay provides a basic overview of the chart, it can significantly benefit from more detailed analysis, a clearer stance, and improved language use. Expanding on specific data points, presenting a consistent position, and refining language will elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at logical organization, presenting an overview before delving into specific details. However, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity and coherence. The sequencing of information lacks smooth transitions between sentences and ideas. For instance, the abrupt shift from discussing the overall trend to specific percentages could be better articulated for a more seamless flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider introducing a more structured approach. Start with a clear introduction that provides an overview of the main trends. Subsequently, organize the body paragraphs chronologically or thematically, ensuring a smooth transition between each. Use linking words to guide the reader through different stages of the analysis.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to some extent, but their structure and effectiveness are inconsistent. The first paragraph introduces the overall trend, while the second and third paragraphs delve into specific percentages. However, there is a lack of clear topic sentences, and the overall organization within each paragraph could be refined for better coherence.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraphing by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure a logical progression of ideas within each paragraph, avoiding abrupt shifts. Consider separating the analysis of the UK, Asian, and other regions into distinct paragraphs to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices. There is some use of chronological markers ("from 1976 to 2011") and additive connectors ("while," "although"), but more diversity and precision in the use of cohesive devices would enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, there are instances where pronouns are ambiguously used, impacting clarity.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used. Introduce a wider range of linking words and phrases such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "consequently" to strengthen the connections between ideas. Ensure consistent and precise use of pronouns to avoid confusion. Revisit sentences where pronouns are used and clarify the references for better coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the task, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage are essential to elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to express ideas using different words, the limited variety hinders the overall lexical resource. For instance, there is repetitive use of terms such as "born in," "the highest point," and "others," without introducing more diverse synonyms or expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, strive to introduce a broader range of vocabulary. For example, instead of consistently using "born in," consider alternatives like "originating from" or "hailing from." Additionally, diversify your language when referring to "others" by specifying regions or nationalities.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, affecting the clarity of certain statements. For instance, the phrase "the number of Australian born in the UK seemed decrease" lacks precision, and "this figures of Asian and others was go up" is grammatically incorrect and imprecise.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on using more accurate and specific terms. For example, instead of "seemed decrease," use "showed a decline." Additionally, correct the grammatical error in "this figures of Asian and others was go up" to "the figures for Asian and others increased."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a range of spelling errors, such as "borned" instead of "born," "this periods" instead of "this period," and "was go up" instead of "went up." These errors impact the overall presentation and should be addressed for a more polished essay.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch and correct spelling mistakes. Consider using spell-check tools and allocating dedicated time for reviewing your essay to ensure accuracy. Practice spelling words that are commonly misspelled and make a conscious effort to avoid repeated errors in future writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair attempt at employing a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is a noticeable repetition of sentence structures, particularly the use of short, straightforward sentences. More complex structures, such as compound and compound-complex sentences, could be incorporated to enhance the overall range and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Varying sentence lengths and structures will contribute to a more engaging and nuanced expression of ideas. For example, instead of relying on short sentences, try combining related ideas into compound or compound-complex sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. One notable issue is the inconsistent use of verb tenses. For instance, there are instances where past tense is appropriately used, but there are also inconsistencies, such as "was go up" and "seemed decrease." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, including missing commas and awkward phrasing.
    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining consistent verb tenses throughout the essay. Ensure that verbs are appropriately conjugated to reflect the timeline of events. Moreover, pay close attention to punctuation, particularly the correct placement of commas in compound sentences. Proofreading the essay carefully will help identify and rectify these issues, enhancing overall grammatical accuracy. For example, revise "was go up" to "was going up" and "seemed decrease" to "seemed to decrease." Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller sentences to improve clarity and avoid awkward phrasing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart presents the percentage of Australians born in various regions of the world from 1976 to 2011. In general, there was a decline in the number of Australians born in the UK, while the figures for those born in Asia and other regions increased.

In 1976, the proportion of Australians born in Asia was relatively low, starting at under 5%, marking the lowest point on the chart. The highest percentage was attributed to those born in the UK, reaching nearly 15%, which was one and a half times higher than the figures for those born in other regions. Over the period from 1976 to 2011, there was a noticeable surge in the percentage of Australians born in Asia, rising from 4% to 15%. Concurrently, the figures for those born in other regions demonstrated an overall upward trend.

Although there was a significant decline between 1981 and 1996 in the category of “others,” it still constituted the second-highest percentage at around 14% in 2011. Notably, Australians born in the UK, which initially held the highest percentage, had only 5% remaining in 2011.

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