The chart below shows the results of the survey of business people in three different years about factors that make managers good at their jobs. Respondents rated the factors from 1 to 5, according to the importance.

The column illustrates what makes a good manager with five factors: responsibility, good communication, transparency, empathy and vision from 2010 to 2020.
Looking at the graph, it is clear that “responsibility” and “good communication” have a key role in evaluating a good manager. Besides, two factors such as empathy and vision experienced a gradual increase year by year.
In 2010, the score of three factors “responsibility”,”good communication” and “transparency” are respectively 5, 4, 3. In 2015, the level of importance was equivalent in three factors, standing at 4 score. In 2020, “good communication” received the highest evaluation during the study period, as high as “responsibility” with 5 score, whereas “transparency” was less focused in the same year.
“Empathy” and “vision” are the two facets that get low ratings from respondents. Between 2010 and 2010, “Empathy” witnessed a significant growth from 1 to 4, this result shows that an empathetic manager is increasingly appreciated. “Vision” raised rapidly each year by one level, the figure was 2,3,4 respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"a key role in evaluating" -> "crucial roles in assessing"
Explanation: "a key role in evaluating" is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. "Crucial roles in assessing" offers a more nuanced and sophisticated expression.
"experienced a gradual increase" -> "exhibited a gradual rise"
Explanation: "experienced a gradual increase" can be improved with "exhibited a gradual rise" to add variety and maintain a formal tone.
"are respectively 5, 4, 3" -> "were 5, 4, and 3, respectively"
Explanation: Use "were" instead of "are" to maintain past tense consistency and add a comma before "respectively" for clarity.
"level of importance was equivalent" -> "levels of importance were equal"
Explanation: "level of importance was equivalent" can be more succinctly expressed as "levels of importance were equal."
"received the highest evaluation" -> "received the highest rating"
Explanation: "received the highest evaluation" can be replaced with "received the highest rating" for a more precise and commonly used term.
"less focused in the same year" -> "received less emphasis that year"
Explanation: "less focused in the same year" can be improved with "received less emphasis that year" to enhance clarity and formality.
"are the two facets that get low ratings" -> "are the two facets that received low ratings"
Explanation: Use "received low ratings" for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"Between 2010 and 2010" -> "Between 2010 and 2020"
Explanation: Correct the typo by changing "2010" to "2020" for accuracy.
"witnessed a significant growth" -> "experienced a significant increase"
Explanation: "witnessed a significant growth" can be replaced with "experienced a significant increase" for a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the factors that make a good manager based on the survey results from 2010 to 2020. It presents key features such as responsibility, good communication, transparency, empathy, and vision. The trends over the years are highlighted, showing changes in importance ratings for these factors.

How to improve: To improve, the essay could extend its discussion of key features, providing more detailed analysis of the trends and possibly incorporating more specific data from the survey results to support the description. Additionally, ensuring clarity and coherence in the presentation of ideas would enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a logical sequence, starting with an introduction of the chart’s contents and proceeding to discuss the factors over the three years. There is a clear overall progression in discussing the factors from 2010 to 2020. The use of cohesive devices is effective in connecting ideas, although there are some instances of mechanical cohesion, such as repetitive phrases like "in 2010" and "in 2020." Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some points could be more effectively separated into distinct paragraphs for clarity.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on varying sentence structures and transitions to avoid repetitive phrasing. Ensure that paragraph breaks are used more effectively to separate distinct ideas or time periods. Additionally, strive for more seamless integration of cohesive devices to enhance the overall flow and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, utilizing terms such as "factors," "responsibility," "communication," "transparency," "empathy," and "vision" appropriately. It attempts to incorporate less common vocabulary such as "facets" and "equivalent," albeit with occasional inaccuracies. The essay also shows an effort to convey precise meanings, particularly in describing the changes over time in the importance of various managerial qualities. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the level of importance was equivalent in three factors" which could be better expressed. Additionally, there are minor errors in word formation and spelling, such as "2010 and 2010" which seems to be a typographical error.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, strive for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary choices where appropriate. Ensure accurate word choice and collocation to convey ideas with precision. Proofread carefully to minimize errors in word formation and spelling, which can affect the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with attempts at using a variety of structures. There are some errors in grammar and punctuation, but they rarely hinder communication. The essay effectively conveys the main ideas regarding the factors that make managers good at their jobs and provides clear examples from the data presented.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Pay attention to verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation to minimize errors and enhance clarity. Additionally, strive for more precise word choices and smoother transitions between ideas to enhance coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The column chart delineates the perceptions of business people regarding the attributes that constitute effective managerial skills. The data, spanning from 2010 to 2020, covers five key managerial traits: responsibility, good communication, transparency, empathy, and vision.

It is apparent from the graph that ‘responsibility’ and ‘good communication’ are consistently seen as pivotal to managerial competence. Additionally, ’empathy’ and ‘vision’ have shown a steady upward trend over the years in their perceived importance.

In detail, the scores in 2010 for ‘responsibility,’ ‘good communication,’ and ‘transparency’ were 5, 4, and 3, respectively. By 2015, these three factors each garnered a score of 4, indicating a uniform perception of their importance. By 2020, both ‘good communication’ and ‘responsibility’ reached a peak score of 5, highlighting their critical role in effective management. In contrast, ‘transparency’ received relatively less emphasis, maintaining a lower score in 2020.

Regarding ’empathy’ and ‘vision,’ these traits initially received lower ratings. Specifically, ’empathy’ increased significantly from a score of 1 in 2010 to 4 in 2020, suggesting a growing appreciation for empathetic leadership. Similarly, ‘vision’ incrementally rose each year, with scores of 2, 3, and 4 over the respective years.

The data clearly indicates that while traditional qualities like ‘responsibility’ and ‘good communication’ remain highly valued, there is a notable rise in the appreciation for ’empathy’ and ‘vision,’ reflecting evolving expectations of business leaders.