The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019.

The chart shows the results of surveys in one African country asking
teenagers the main reasons for using their phones between 2016 and 2019.

The 4 pie charts illustrate what teenagers in one African country used their phones for in the period between 2016 and 2019.

Overall, throughout the given period of time, social networks remained the key reasons for phone usage of teenagers. Whereas, using phone for calling constituted the least proportion among 4 reasons

In 2016, precisely half of teenagers getting interviewed stated that they used phone mainly for social media. This figure dropped by a mere 2% in 2017 and then recovered to an all-time high of 56% in 2019. The second highest reason for phone using in 2016 was email, which remained its 2nd rank in the next two years before dropping to be the third position in 2019

Digital camera took up 15% of main reasons for using phone in both 2016 and 2017 before this figure witnessed a steady rise in the next two years, reaching its peak of 20% in 2019 and taking the second position among 4 reasons stated. The percentage of people using phone for phone calls is 75% as high as digital camera in 2016 but this figure dropped to just 25% in 2019

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "teenagers" -> "adolescents"
   Explanation: "Adolescents" is a more formal and sophisticated term for referring to teenagers, enhancing the professional tone of the essay.
2. "key reasons" -> "primary purposes"
   Explanation: "Primary purposes" is a more precise and descriptive phrase, conveying the main intentions behind phone usage more effectively.
3. "getting interviewed" -> "interviewed"
   Explanation: "Getting interviewed" is less formal than simply using "interviewed," which is more appropriate in this context.
4. "Digital camera" -> "Photography"
   Explanation: "Photography" is a broader and more encompassing term than "Digital camera," capturing not only the action of taking photos but also other related activities such as editing and sharing images.
5. "witnessed a steady rise" -> "experienced a consistent increase"
   Explanation: "Experienced a consistent increase" is a more precise and formal phrase that better conveys the idea of a gradual and sustained growth.
6. "as high as" -> "equivalent to"
   Explanation: "Equivalent to" is a more formal and precise phrase for indicating equality, enhancing the clarity and professionalism of the comparison.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in phone usage among teenagers in an African country from 2016 to 2019. It presents a clear overview of the key reasons for phone usage, such as social media, email, digital camera, and phone calls, and highlights how these reasons changed over the years.
How to improve: To improve, consider providing more specific data points or percentages for each year to enhance the clarity and depth of the overview. Additionally, ensure that the language used is precise and free of grammatical errors for better coherence and cohesion.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a distinct topic related to the survey results, facilitating coherence. Additionally, the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices to connect sentences and ideas, enhancing overall cohesion. The transition between years and reasons for phone usage is smooth, contributing to the clarity of the essay’s structure.

How to improve: To enhance coherence further, consider varying the sentence structure to avoid repetition and monotony. Additionally, ensure that referencing within the essay is consistently clear and appropriately utilized. Finally, while paragraphing is generally sufficient, pay attention to maintaining logical transitions between paragraphs for a seamless flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the information effectively. It utilizes a variety of terms such as "pie charts," "proportion," "interviewed," and "witnessed," which contributes to lexical diversity. Additionally, there is an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary such as "constituted," "rank," and "peak," showing some awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, such as "phone using" instead of "phone usage," these do not significantly impede understanding.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource further, aim for greater precision and accuracy in word choice. Proofreading for minor errors in word formation and spelling will help refine the essay’s lexical quality. Additionally, incorporating a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary would elevate the lexical richness of the essay, thereby potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, utilizing various sentence structures to convey information. There is an attempt at using a range of vocabulary and grammatical structures. The essay communicates the main points effectively, providing a clear overview of the data presented in the charts. However, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly hinder comprehension. For instance, "using phone for calling constituted the least proportion among 4 reasons" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, there are inconsistencies in verb tense usage, such as "recovered to an all-time high" where ‘reached’ might be more appropriate.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical accuracy and range, focus on sentence structure variety and precise vocabulary usage. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and consistency in tense throughout the essay. Review and revise sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that each idea is expressed accurately and effectively. Practicing proofreading and editing techniques can also help in identifying and correcting errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts delineate the purposes for which teenagers in a particular African nation utilized their mobile devices between 2016 and 2019.

Overall, social networking emerged as the predominant motive for teenage phone usage throughout the specified timeframe, while employing phones for calls constituted the least prevalent rationale among the four identified categories.

In 2016, exactly half of the surveyed teenagers indicated that they primarily utilized their phones for accessing social media platforms. This proportion experienced a marginal decrease of merely 2% in 2017, before rebounding to an all-time high of 56% in 2019. Email ranked as the second most common reason for phone usage in 2016, maintaining its position for the subsequent two years before descending to third place in 2019.

The utilization of the phone’s digital camera accounted for 15% of the main reasons for phone usage in both 2016 and 2017. However, this percentage witnessed a steady increase over the following two years, peaking at 20% in 2019 and consequently securing the second position among the enumerated categories. Conversely, the percentage of individuals using their phones for making calls stood at 75% relative to digital camera usage in 2016, but plummeted to a mere 25% in 2019.