The charts below show the percentage of people aged 26-65 in different occupations in one UK town(Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008.

The pie charts illustrate the proportion of individuals aged 23-26 in different jobs in Ashby and in the UK as a whole in 2008.
Overall, it is clear that the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in whole country.Additionally, almost people in the UK work in office, while personal service was the largest in this town.
In Ashby, the proportion of people do person service was highest and accounted for 21%, which was higher 4% than the figure in the UK. However, office work was the most popular in the UK at 19% slightly exceeding Ashby's 18%. Similarly, the precentage of individuals working in shop work was only 1%, Ashby made up 14% and the UK 13%.
As for the remaining, 9% of Ashby residents worked in technical jobs which was nearly double lower that the UK at 17%.Moreover, there was a double in the proportion of people doing profession work in the UK at 14% with Ashby at 8%. Following up,both unemployed and construction work in the UK have an equal rate at 10%,which in Ashby constituted 14% and 16%,respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The pie charts illustrate" -> "The pie charts depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrate" in the context of presenting data visually, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"in different jobs in Ashby and in the UK as a whole in 2008" -> "in various occupations in Ashby and throughout the UK in 2008"
Explanation: "Various occupations" is more specific and formal than "different jobs," and "throughout the UK" is more precise than "in the UK as a whole," which sounds slightly redundant.
"the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in whole country" -> "the unemployment rate in Ashby exceeded that in the entire country"
Explanation: "The unemployment rate" is a more precise term than "the unemployed," and "exceeded" is more formal than "was higher than." Additionally, "the entire country" is more formal than "whole country."
"almost people in the UK work in office" -> "nearly all individuals in the UK work in office roles"
Explanation: "Nearly all" is more precise than "almost," and "individuals" is more formal than "people." "Office roles" is a more specific term than "office."
"personal service was the largest in this town" -> "personal services were the dominant sector in this town"
Explanation: "Services" is plural to match the context, and "dominant sector" is more formal and specific than "largest."
"the proportion of people do person service" -> "the proportion of individuals engaged in personal services"
Explanation: "Engaged in" is more formal and precise than "do," and "personal services" is the correct term.
"which was higher 4% than the figure in the UK" -> "which was 4 percentage points higher than that in the UK"
Explanation: "4 percentage points higher" is a more precise and formal way to express the difference.
"office work was the most popular in the UK at 19%" -> "office work was the most prevalent in the UK at 19%"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more formal synonym for "popular."
"the precentage of individuals working in shop work" -> "the percentage of individuals employed in retail"
Explanation: "Retail" is a more specific and formal term than "shop work."
"Ashby made up 14%" -> "Ashby accounted for 14%"
Explanation: "Accounted for" is more formal and precise than "made up."
"the remaining, 9% of Ashby residents worked in technical jobs" -> "the remaining 9% of Ashby residents worked in technical occupations"
Explanation: "Occupations" is a more formal term than "jobs," and "remaining" should be separated by a comma for grammatical correctness.
"which was nearly double lower that the UK at 17%" -> "which was nearly half that of the UK at 17%"
Explanation: "Half that of" is a more accurate and formal way to express the comparison, correcting the grammatical error and improving clarity.
"there was a double in the proportion of people doing profession work" -> "there was a significant increase in the proportion of individuals in professional occupations"
Explanation: "Significant increase" is more precise and formal than "a double," and "individuals in professional occupations" is more specific and formal than "people doing profession work."
"Following up,both unemployed and construction work in the UK have an equal rate at 10%" -> "Furthermore, both unemployment and construction work in the UK had an equal rate of 10%"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transition than "Following up," and "had" is more appropriate for past data. "Equal rate of" is grammatically correct and clearer than "equal rate at."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends or differences between the two charts. The essay also focuses on details rather than key features.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends and differences between the two charts. The essay should also focus on key features rather than details. For example, the essay could state that the proportion of people working in personal service was higher in Ashby than in the UK as a whole. The essay could also state that the proportion of people working in office work was higher in the UK than in Ashby.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to compare the data from Ashby and the UK, the lack of clear referencing and substitution leads to some repetition and confusion. For instance, the phrase "the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in whole country" lacks clarity and grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the paragraphing is not always logical, as some sentences seem to jump between ideas without clear transitions. The use of cohesive devices is present but often inaccurate or mechanical, which detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of comparisons and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and avoiding repetition would also help. Additionally, refining sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more coherent presentation of ideas. Finally, logical paragraphing with clear transitions between points will improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information presented in the charts, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, which detracts from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the communication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "do person service" instead of "in personal service," and "the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in whole country," which should be "the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in the whole country." These errors, along with issues in spelling and word formation (e.g., "precentage" instead of "percentage"), may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items, and ensure that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, focusing on correct spelling and grammatical structures will improve clarity. Practicing paraphrasing and using synonyms can also help to avoid repetition and elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures and attempts to use some complex sentences; however, these attempts are often inaccurate. There are several grammatical errors, such as "the unemployed in Ashby was higher than that in whole country" (should be "than that in the whole country") and "the proportion of people do person service" (should be "doing personal service"). Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas and incorrect spacing. While the meaning is generally clear, the frequent errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and expanding their range of sentence structures. This includes practicing the correct forms of verbs and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Additionally, enhancing punctuation usage and ensuring clarity in comparisons would strengthen the overall quality of the essay. Regular practice with complex sentences and proofreading for errors can also help in achieving better grammatical control.

Bài sửa mẫu

The pie charts illustrate the proportion of individuals aged 26-65 in different occupations in Ashby and in the UK as a whole in 2008.

Overall, it is clear that the unemployment rate in Ashby was higher than that of the whole country. Additionally, a larger percentage of people in the UK worked in office jobs, while personal service was the largest sector in this town.

In Ashby, the proportion of people in personal service was the highest, accounting for 21%, which was 4% higher than the figure for the UK. However, office work was the most popular occupation in the UK at 19%, slightly exceeding Ashby’s 18%. Similarly, the percentage of individuals working in shop work was only 1% in the UK, while Ashby accounted for 14% and the UK for 13%.

As for the remaining occupations, 9% of Ashby residents worked in technical jobs, which was nearly half of the UK figure at 17%. Moreover, there was a higher proportion of people engaged in professional work in the UK at 14%, compared to 8% in Ashby. Additionally, both unemployment and construction work in the UK had an equal rate of 10%, whereas in Ashby, these constituted 14% and 16%, respectively.