The charts below shows information about various professions in the U.K. and their salaries. The table shows the average working hours per week for each profession.

The provided bar chart illustrates the amount of income received by different kinds of careers in England while the table depicts their mean working time during one week.

From an overall perspective, it is readily evident that all occupations in the UK witness a higher income when they have three – year experience. It is also noticeable that there is a huge gap in the average weekly working hours among careers, with teachers and firefighters occupying the highest number while the opposite is true for underground drivers.

As can be seen from the bar chart, in the UK, the income of underground drivers has the highest number among other occupations, not only when starting but also after 3 years working, at below and above 50,000 pounds. This is followed by the figures for firefighters and teachers, which all experience a slight increase eventually at 42,000 and 32,000 pounds accordingly. Meanwhile, there is an equal portion in the income of police, remaining at 20,000 during the period shown. Additionally, nurses have the lowest earnings through the period although it has a moderate rise by 2,000 eventually.

Regarding the remaining table, firefighters and teachers spend the highest hours working during a week among the others, both occupying 55 hours. Moreover, the average weekly working hours of police is lower than the former, at 40 hours, being 2 hours higher than that of underground drivers. Finally, underground drivers have the lowest weekly working time, at 36 hours.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The provided bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" when referring to visual representations in academic writing.
"different kinds of careers" -> "various professions"
Explanation: "Professions" is a more specific and formal term than "careers," which is often used in a more general or colloquial context.
"in England" -> "in the United Kingdom"
Explanation: "In the United Kingdom" is more specific and formal than "in England," which could be seen as geographically limited.
"It is readily evident" -> "It is clear"
Explanation: "It is clear" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase than "It is readily evident," which can sound overly emphatic.
"huge gap" -> "significant disparity"
Explanation: "Significant disparity" is a more formal and precise term than "huge gap," which is somewhat colloquial.
"occupying the highest number" -> "exhibiting the highest figures"
Explanation: "Exhibiting the highest figures" is more specific and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"not only when starting but also after 3 years working" -> "both at the beginning and after three years of experience"
Explanation: "Both at the beginning and after three years of experience" is more formal and precise, avoiding the casual phrasing of "after 3 years working."
"at below and above 50,000 pounds" -> "below and above £50,000"
Explanation: Using the pound symbol (£) and the exact figure "£50,000" enhances the formality and precision of the text.
"an equal portion" -> "a similar proportion"
Explanation: "A similar proportion" is more precise and formal than "an equal portion," which is vague and less specific.
"nurses have the lowest earnings" -> "nurses receive the lowest remuneration"
Explanation: "Receive the lowest remuneration" is a more formal expression than "have the lowest earnings," which is somewhat informal.
"through the period" -> "during the period"
Explanation: "During the period" is more commonly used in formal writing than "through the period," which can be less precise.
"spend the highest hours working" -> "work the longest hours"
Explanation: "Work the longest hours" is a more natural and formal way to express the idea of working the most hours.
"both occupying 55 hours" -> "both working 55 hours"
Explanation: "Working 55 hours" is a clearer and more direct expression than "occupying 55 hours," which is awkward and unclear in this context.
"the average weekly working hours of police is lower" -> "the average weekly working hours for police are lower"
Explanation: "For police are lower" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the plural form "hours" to match the plural subject "hours."
"being 2 hours higher than that of underground drivers" -> "two hours longer than those of underground drivers"
Explanation: "Two hours longer than those of underground drivers" corrects the comparison and uses "those" to match the plural subject "hours," enhancing clarity and formality.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the information presented in the charts. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "there is a huge gap in the average weekly working hours among careers, with teachers and firefighters occupying the highest number while the opposite is true for underground drivers." This statement is not entirely accurate, as the table shows that teachers and firefighters both work 55 hours per week, while underground drivers work 36 hours per week. The essay also states that "there is an equal portion in the income of police, remaining at 20,000 during the period shown." This statement is also not entirely accurate, as the bar chart shows that the income of police increases from £20,000 to £30,000 after three years.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. The writer should also focus on presenting a clear overview of the main trends and differences in the data. For example, the writer could highlight the fact that underground drivers have the highest income, but also the lowest working hours, while teachers and firefighters have the highest working hours, but lower incomes. The writer could also compare the salaries of different professions after three years of experience.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. The introduction effectively sets the context for the data presented, and the body paragraphs logically follow, discussing both the bar chart and the table. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. While paragraphing is present, it could be improved for better logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between sentences and ideas are smooth and natural. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., using pronouns or synonyms more effectively) would help reduce repetition and enhance the overall flow. Finally, organizing the paragraphs to reflect a more logical progression of ideas would strengthen the essay’s coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing that detracts from clarity. For example, phrases like "the highest number among other occupations" could be more precisely articulated. There are also minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "mean working time" which could be better expressed as "average working hours." These issues do not severely impede communication but do indicate a need for improvement in lexical precision and control.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, particularly by incorporating more sophisticated and precise terms relevant to the context of the essay. Practicing the use of synonyms and collocations can help avoid repetition and improve fluency. Additionally, careful proofreading to catch spelling and word formation errors will contribute to a clearer and more polished presentation of ideas. Engaging with a variety of texts can also aid in developing a more nuanced understanding of vocabulary usage in different contexts.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer shows an ability to convey information about the charts and tables, but there are instances of inaccuracies in grammar and punctuation that detract from the overall clarity and fluency of the writing.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to improve the overall grammatical range. This could involve using more subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, phrases like "the highest number" could be rephrased to "the highest income" for clarity.
Improve Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, particularly in longer sentences, to ensure clarity and fluidity. For instance, using commas appropriately can help in breaking down complex ideas.
Clarify Ideas: Ensure that each point is clearly articulated and supported with relevant details, which can help in reducing confusion and enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the income received by various professions in England, while the table depicts their average working hours per week.

From an overall perspective, it is readily evident that all occupations in the UK experience a higher income after three years of experience. It is also noticeable that there is a significant gap in the average weekly working hours among careers, with teachers and firefighters working the most hours, while underground drivers work the least.

As can be seen from the bar chart, in the UK, the income of underground drivers is the highest among other occupations, both at the start and after three years of work, at below and above £50,000. This is followed by firefighters and teachers, who both experience a slight increase, reaching £42,000 and £32,000, respectively. Meanwhile, the income of police officers remains constant at £20,000 throughout the period shown. Additionally, nurses have the lowest earnings over the period, although their income rises moderately by £2,000 eventually.

Regarding the table, firefighters and teachers work the most hours per week, both spending 55 hours on the job. Moreover, the average weekly working hours for police officers is lower than that of firefighters and teachers, at 40 hours, which is 2 hours higher than that of underground drivers. Finally, underground drivers have the lowest weekly working hours, at 36 hours.