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The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look. This essay will expound upon both perspectives and demonstrate my belief that the former notion is more compelling.

Granted, individuals from affluent backgrounds and possessing desirable physical traits may have a greater likelihood of achieving success. First, Possessing substantial financial resources facilitates individuals' access to prominent positions in an enterprise or system, as money can be employed to influence those in authority. Indeed, this success is not sustainable because individuals born into affluent families may lack ambition, having been provided with nearly everything they desire by their wealthy parents. As such, they have a tendency to be indifferent to the practice of getting promoted. Secondly, individuals with favorable physical appearances may stand a higher chance of achieving success in specific industries, such as entertainment and fashion, due to their suitability for the aesthetic demands of these sectors. Nevertheless, this argument is flawed as visual deteriorations are inevitable with age. Therefore, this is deemed unsustainable success.

On the other hand, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors leading to success. First, things that are meaningful often ask for strenuous efforts and a long duration of time to build so working industriously is of integral importance. For instance, academic success is not attainable unless students invest substantial time in studying and consistently make progress. Inevitably, the acquisition of success means having to overcome obstacles and failures. Therefore, individuals can only materialize their desire and become successful after having enough perseverance and persisting in their targets
In conclusion, success is contingent on being born into affluent families and possessing attractive physical traits only in specific instances; conversely, relentless effort holds greater paramount importance in achieving success.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look." -> "Opinions vary on whether success is grounded in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and a pleasing physical appearance."
    Explanation: Replacing "rooted" with "grounded" and "visual look" with "pleasing physical appearance" enhances formality and precision.

  2. "This essay will expound upon both perspectives and demonstrate my belief that the former notion is more compelling." -> "This essay will elucidate both perspectives and argue that the former notion is more compelling."
    Explanation: Substituting "expound upon" with "elucidate" and "demonstrate my belief" with "argue" contributes to a more formal and assertive tone.

  3. "Granted, individuals from affluent backgrounds and possessing desirable physical traits may have a greater likelihood of achieving success." -> "Admittedly, individuals from affluent backgrounds and endowed with desirable physical traits may have a higher probability of achieving success."
    Explanation: Replacing "Granted" with "Admittedly" and "possessing" with "endowed with" elevates the formality of the sentence.

  4. "First, Possessing substantial financial resources facilitates individuals’ access to prominent positions in an enterprise or system, as money can be employed to influence those in authority." -> "First, Having substantial financial resources facilitates individuals’ access to prominent positions in an enterprise or system, as money can be employed to wield influence over those in authority."
    Explanation: Removing the initial capitalization of "Possessing" and rephrasing the sentence with "wield influence" instead of "influence" enhances formality and clarity.

  5. "Indeed, this success is not sustainable because individuals born into affluent families may lack ambition, having been provided with nearly everything they desire by their wealthy parents." -> "However, this success is not sustainable because individuals born into affluent families may lack ambition, having been provided with nearly everything they desire by their wealthy parents."
    Explanation: Replacing "Indeed" with "However" adds a transition that improves the flow of the argument.

  6. "As such, they have a tendency to be indifferent to the practice of getting promoted." -> "Consequently, they tend to be indifferent to the pursuit of advancement."
    Explanation: Substituting "As such" with "Consequently" and "the practice of getting promoted" with "the pursuit of advancement" refines the sentence for a more formal tone.

  7. "Secondly, individuals with favorable physical appearances may stand a higher chance of achieving success in specific industries, such as entertainment and fashion, due to their suitability for the aesthetic demands of these sectors." -> "Secondly, individuals with favorable physical appearances may have a greater likelihood of success in specific industries, such as entertainment and fashion, owing to their suitability for the aesthetic demands of these sectors."
    Explanation: Adjusting "stand a higher chance" to "have a greater likelihood" and "due to" to "owing to" enhances formality and precision.

  8. "Nevertheless, this argument is flawed as visual deteriorations are inevitable with age." -> "However, this argument is flawed as visual deteriorations are inevitable with age."
    Explanation: Removing "Nevertheless" retains the contrast while streamlining the sentence.

  9. "On the other hand, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors leading to success." -> "Conversely, diligence and perseverance are more decisive factors in achieving success."
    Explanation: Replacing "On the other hand" with "Conversely" improves the transition and formality.

  10. "First, things that are meaningful often ask for strenuous efforts and a long duration of time to build so working industriously is of integral importance." -> "First, meaningful pursuits often require strenuous efforts and a prolonged duration for development, making industrious work of integral importance."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing "ask for" with "require" enhances precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look. This essay will expound upon both perspectives and demonstrate my belief that the former notion is more compelling."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction is clear in presenting the two perspectives and indicating the writer’s opinion. However, to enhance clarity and structure, consider explicitly stating the main points you will discuss in support of the diligent work and perseverance argument. This would provide a roadmap for the reader, making the essay more organized.
    • Improved example: "Opinions diverge on whether success is rooted in diligent work and perseverance or affluence and having a good visual look. In this essay, I will discuss the significance of diligence and perseverance in achieving success, supported by examples from various domains, to substantiate my belief that these qualities are more compelling."
  2. Quoted text: "First, Possessing substantial financial resources facilitates individuals’ access to prominent positions in an enterprise or system, as money can be employed to influence those in authority."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The argument is somewhat unclear and lacks specific examples. To improve, provide a concrete illustration of how financial resources can influence authority and lead to success. This will make your point more convincing and aligned with the task criteria.
    • Improved example: "Firstly, substantial financial resources enable individuals to secure influential positions within enterprises. For instance, a person with financial means may invest in a business venture, gaining a leadership role and leveraging financial influence to shape key decisions, ultimately contributing to their success."
  3. Quoted text: "Indeed, this success is not sustainable because individuals born into affluent families may lack ambition, having been provided with nearly everything they desire by their wealthy parents."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The idea is valid, but it needs further development and clarity. Expand on why success stemming from affluence may not be sustainable, providing examples or reasoning to support your claim.
    • Improved example: "However, success based on financial privilege is often fleeting. Individuals born into affluent families may lack the drive for continuous improvement, as their every need is readily fulfilled. This lack of ambition hampers long-term success, as sustained effort and dedication are essential for enduring achievements."
  4. Quoted text: "Secondly, individuals with favorable physical appearances may stand a higher chance of achieving success in specific industries, such as entertainment and fashion, due to their suitability for the aesthetic demands of these sectors."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the point is made, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration. Consider addressing potential counterarguments or limitations to strengthen your position.
    • Improved example: "Moreover, individuals with favorable physical appearances might initially excel in industries like entertainment and fashion. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that success in these sectors is often transient, as the emphasis on appearance may overshadow other crucial factors such as talent and skill, limiting long-term success."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the task, but improvement in providing specific examples and deeper development of ideas would elevate the response to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, though there are some instances of under-/over-use. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to overall coherence. While the essay manages paragraphing sufficiently, there are occasional lapses where paragraphing could be improved for a more seamless flow.
How to improve: Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay, avoiding occasional under-/over-use. Refine paragraphing for a more logical and seamless connection between ideas. Consider transitions between paragraphs to enhance overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively discusses both perspectives on success and provides a clear opinion.

How to improve: To elevate the Lexical Resource to a higher band, consider incorporating a more diverse range of vocabulary with increased precision and accuracy. Pay closer attention to word choice and collocation to reduce occasional errors. Additionally, enhancing the depth of vocabulary in presenting arguments can contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression. Overall, a more consistent application of advanced vocabulary and careful proofreading for lexical accuracy would strengthen the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, contributing to a Band 7 score. There is a consistent attempt to incorporate complex sentences throughout the essay, showcasing a range of grammatical structures. The majority of sentences are error-free, and the essay exhibits good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, though these are minor and do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer should pay closer attention to the use of articles and prepositions, ensuring they are employed accurately. Additionally, a more meticulous proofreading process can help identify and rectify the rare minor errors, contributing to an even more polished and error-free essay. Overall, maintaining the current level of complexity while addressing specific grammatical issues would elevate the score to a Band 8.0.

Bài sửa mẫu

The interpretation of success varies among individuals, with some attributing it to hard work and determination, while others highlight factors such as wealth and physical appearance. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and present my opinion that the former, emphasizing hard work and perseverance, is more compelling.

Certainly, individuals from affluent backgrounds and with desirable physical traits may have an increased likelihood of achieving success. Initially, having substantial financial resources can grant individuals access to prominent positions, as money can be used to influence those in authority. However, this kind of success may not be sustainable, as individuals born into wealthy families might lack ambition, having been provided with almost everything they desire by their well-off parents. Consequently, they may show indifference towards seeking career advancements. Additionally, relying on favorable physical appearances for success, especially in industries like entertainment and fashion, is flawed, as visual changes are inevitable with age, rendering this success unsustainable.

Conversely, diligence and perseverance are more crucial factors in attaining success. Meaningful achievements often demand strenuous efforts and prolonged dedication. For example, academic success requires students to invest substantial time in studying and consistently make progress. The journey to success involves overcoming obstacles and learning from failures. Hence, individuals can realize their aspirations and become successful only through persistent effort and staying committed to their goals.

In conclusion, success may be influenced by being born into affluent families or possessing attractive physical traits in specific instances. However, relentless effort holds greater importance in achieving sustained success.

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