The diagrams show changes in a student common room

The diagrams provide some modifications made to a students' common room after 5 years. Overall, there has been some changes applied to the layout of the room, including the addition of new facilities and the rearrangement of the tables.
Five years ago, there were only six facilities given in the common room including the sink, cupboard, two benches, microwave, fridge and bookshelf. Nevertheless, besides the named objects, the room has been equipped with a drinks machine and three armchairs surrounding a television. Also, one of the benches has been replaced with a long bench specialized for laptop users, and one more microwave has been installed in the position of the old bench.
In terms of the tables, there were four big round tables divided evenly within the room in the past, however, the round tables have reduced in size and number at present. Consequently, there are only two round tables and one long rectangular table in the room, which make room for the installation of other amenities.

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Errors and Improvements:

"modifications made to a students’ common room" -> "modifications made to the students’ common room"
Explanation: The possessive form "students’" correctly indicates that the common room belongs to multiple students, while "a students’" is grammatically incorrect.
"there has been some changes applied" -> "there have been some changes implemented"
Explanation: "Changes applied" is less precise and active compared to "changes implemented," which conveys the idea of changes being put into effect.
"Five years ago, there were only six facilities given" -> "Five years ago, there were only six amenities provided"
Explanation: Using "amenities" instead of "facilities given" enhances clarity and sophistication in describing the features present in the common room.
"besides the named objects" -> "in addition to the aforementioned items"
Explanation: "Named objects" is somewhat vague and informal. Using "aforementioned items" is more precise and formal in academic or descriptive contexts.
"the room has been equipped with a drinks machine" -> "the room now features a beverage dispenser"
Explanation: "Equipped with" is passive and less descriptive compared to "features," which implies an active presence of the drinks machine in the room.
"one of the benches has been replaced with a long bench specialized for laptop users" -> "one of the benches has been substituted with a longer bench tailored for laptop users"
Explanation: "Replaced with" is replaced with "substituted with" to avoid repetition. "Specialized" is replaced with "tailored" for a more refined and descriptive term.
"one more microwave has been installed in the position of the old bench" -> "an additional microwave has been installed where the old bench was located"
Explanation: "One more microwave" is replaced with "an additional microwave" for clarity. "Position of" is replaced with "where" for smoother expression.
"In terms of the tables, there were four big round tables divided evenly within the room" -> "Regarding the tables, there were four large round tables evenly distributed throughout the room"
Explanation: "Divided evenly within the room" is replaced with "evenly distributed throughout the room" for better clarity and flow.
"the round tables have reduced in size and number at present" -> "the round tables have decreased in both size and quantity"
Explanation: "Reduced in size and number" is replaced with "decreased in both size and quantity" for conciseness and precision.
"which make room for the installation of other amenities" -> "which makes space for the installation of additional amenities"
Explanation: "Make room for" is replaced with "makes space for" for a clearer expression of creating space for new amenities.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the changes observed in the student common room over a five-year period. It presents the main trends and differences, such as the addition of new facilities and the rearrangement of tables. The key features, including the facilities added and removed, as well as the changes in table layout, are highlighted and illustrated clearly.

How to improve:
To further improve the score, the essay could extend the discussion of key features with more details and examples. Additionally, providing specific data or measurements regarding the changes in table sizes or the exact placement of new facilities could enhance the clarity and depth of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, providing a clear overall progression by first discussing the changes in facilities and then moving on to the changes in tables. There is a logical organization of information with a clear progression from past to present. The use of cohesive devices is effective in connecting ideas within sentences. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as in the transition between discussing facilities and tables. Additionally, there is room for improvement in the clarity and appropriateness of referencing. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some ideas could be better grouped together for improved coherence.

How to improve: Ensure a smoother transition between discussing different aspects of the common room by using clearer cohesive devices or transitional phrases. Pay attention to referencing to ensure clarity and appropriateness. Consider reorganizing paragraphs to group related ideas together, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, such as "facilities," "rearrangement," and "amenities," but with some inaccuracies, like "replaced with a long bench specialized for laptop users," where a more concise phrase could be utilized. There are occasional errors in word choice, such as "given" instead of "available" or "provided." Some errors in word formation are noticeable, like "reduced in size and number at present," where a smoother construction could be employed. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, aim for more precise and varied vocabulary choices. Instead of repetitive phrases like "replaced with," consider alternatives like "substituted with" or "exchanged for." Additionally, refine word formations for smoother expression, such as "currently reduced in size and number." Proofreading for accuracy in word choice and formation can further refine the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. It includes a variety of sentence forms, such as compound sentences and sentences with dependent clauses. However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, though they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, there are instances of incorrect verb tense usage ("Five years ago, there were only six facilities given…" should be "Five years ago, there were only six facilities in the common room…"). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization. Overall, the essay effectively conveys the changes in the common room layout, but the errors slightly hinder clarity.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to verb tense consistency and punctuation usage. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, strive to incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures to elevate the overall sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagrams illustrate changes made to a student common room over a period of five years. Overall, there have been notable alterations to the room’s layout, including the introduction of new facilities and the reorganization of seating arrangements.

Five years ago, the common room featured six main facilities: a sink, cupboard, two benches, microwave, fridge, and bookshelf. However, significant upgrades have been made since then. The room now includes additional amenities such as a drinks machine and three armchairs positioned around a television. Additionally, one of the benches has been replaced with a longer bench designed specifically for laptop users, and an extra microwave has been installed where the old bench used to be.

Regarding seating arrangements, previously there were four large round tables evenly distributed throughout the room. However, these round tables have been replaced with smaller versions, resulting in only two remaining round tables and the addition of a long rectangular table. This reconfiguration has allowed for the incorporation of other amenities within the room, enhancing its functionality and appeal to students.