The given chart demonstrates how an essay in a formal academic module is written.

The provided flow chart outlines the procedure on how to draft and finalize in a formal academic essay for a university curriculum.

From a general view, we can clearly see that this module was separated into two phases. While the initial phase focuses on gathering information and developing a draft, the remaining phase comprises how to conclude them through discussion and revision.

At first, students commence by consulting their tutor to discuss the essay topic and receive a list of suggested resources such as books or articles. And then, research is conducted in the library where they can collect data effectively such as reads and annotate relevant material literature. Field work is also undertaken by creating surveys, interviewing individuals, or asking them questions. At the end of this stage, these learners organize their findings and draft by using appropriate formal language.

After that, those students carry out the second phase, where they set up by having a discussion about the draft with their peers or instructors to gain more ideas and feedback. Following these suggestions, they will have a revision by gathering more preferences which can help them reap more new perspectives. In this final step, correcting errors or mistakes are a must-have work to do and arrange the sources such as title accurately to ensure the essay meets the deadlines.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"From a general view" -> "From a general perspective"
Explanation: "From a general perspective" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the text.
"the initial phase" -> "the first phase"
Explanation: "The first phase" is more direct and clear, avoiding the unnecessary word "initial," which can be seen as redundant in this context.
"conclude them" -> "finalize them"
Explanation: "Finalize" is more specific and appropriate in an academic context, indicating the completion of a process, whereas "conclude" can be ambiguous.
"reads and annotate" -> "read and annotate"
Explanation: "Read and annotate" should be a single verb phrase, correcting the grammatical error and improving readability.
"Field work is also undertaken" -> "Fieldwork is also conducted"
Explanation: "Fieldwork" is the correct noun form, and "conducted" is more precise than "undertaken" in this context, aligning better with academic language.
"those students carry out the second phase" -> "students proceed to the second phase"
Explanation: "Proceed to" is more formal and academically appropriate than "carry out," which can sound slightly informal.
"set up by having a discussion" -> "initiate discussions"
Explanation: "Initiate discussions" is more direct and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "set up by having a discussion."
"gain more ideas and feedback" -> "receive additional insights and feedback"
Explanation: "Receive additional insights" is more precise and formal, replacing the less specific "gain more ideas."
"gathering more preferences" -> "collecting further information"
Explanation: "Collecting further information" is clearer and more appropriate in an academic context than "gathering more preferences," which is vague and incorrect.
"correcting errors or mistakes are a must-have work to do" -> "correcting errors and mistakes is essential"
Explanation: "Is essential" simplifies and clarifies the sentence, removing the awkward and informal "a must-have work to do."
"arrange the sources such as title" -> "organize the sources, including the title"
Explanation: "Organize the sources, including the title" is grammatically correct and more precise, avoiding the awkward and incomplete phrase "arrange the sources such as title."

These changes enhance the academic tone, improve clarity, and ensure that the language is precise and appropriate for an academic essay.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview of the information in the chart. The essay adequately highlights the key features/bullet points of the chart, but some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that students "organize their findings and draft by using appropriate formal language" at the end of the first phase, but the chart shows that this is done during the "First Draft & Check" stage.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by focusing on the information presented in the chart and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the stages of the essay writing process. For example, instead of saying "students carry out the second phase," the essay could say "the second phase involves revising the first draft."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression from the initial phase of drafting to the final phase of revision. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to some mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance clarity. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6, as it demonstrates coherence and cohesion but lacks the sophistication and clarity required for higher bands.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesive Devices: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, instead of simply stating "After that," consider using phrases like "Following this," or "Subsequently," to create a more seamless transition.
Improve Paragraph Structure: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that the ideas within each paragraph are logically connected. This can be achieved by starting each paragraph with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea.
Clarify References: Use referencing more clearly to avoid ambiguity. For instance, instead of saying "these learners," specify "the students" to maintain clarity.
Avoid Repetition: Vary word choice and sentence structure to avoid redundancy, which can detract from the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "reads and annotate relevant material literature" and "correcting errors or mistakes are a must-have work to do." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "preferences" instead of "suggestions" and "are a must-have work" which is awkwardly phrased. These issues do not completely impede communication but do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly and appropriately. Additionally, improving collocation and avoiding awkward phrasing will contribute to a more sophisticated use of language. Regular practice with academic writing and seeking feedback on word choice can also help in refining vocabulary skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The writer shows an understanding of the task and presents information in a logical sequence, although the complexity of structures could be improved for a higher score.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a greater variety of complex sentence structures and ensuring that they are grammatically accurate. Additionally, reducing the frequency of grammatical errors and enhancing punctuation would improve clarity. Practicing more advanced grammatical forms and reviewing common errors could also be beneficial.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided flow chart outlines the procedure for drafting and finalizing a formal academic essay for a university curriculum.

From a general perspective, we can clearly see that this module is divided into two phases. While the initial phase focuses on gathering information and developing a draft, the subsequent phase comprises concluding the essay through discussion and revision.

Initially, students commence by consulting their tutor to discuss the essay topic and receive a list of suggested resources, such as books or articles. They then conduct research in the library, where they can effectively collect data by reading and annotating relevant literature. Fieldwork is also undertaken by creating surveys, interviewing individuals, or asking them questions. At the end of this stage, these learners organize their findings and draft using appropriate formal language.

After that, the students carry out the second phase, where they engage in discussions about the draft with their peers or instructors to gain additional ideas and feedback. Following these suggestions, they revise the draft by incorporating more perspectives that can enhance their work. In this final step, correcting errors or mistakes is essential, and arranging the sources, such as the title, accurately ensures the essay meets the deadlines.