the gragh and the chart below show the number of students choosing different kind of courses in a particular universities in 2012

The given mixed chart illustrates the figures for students taking part in variety types of subjects in a university by gender in 2012.
Overall, the number of students joining 6 courses was divided unequally, mainly in Management and Engineer. The division by gender was different in each course.
On the line graph, the number of Management and Engineer hold more than half of the total number. The Management one was the highest, at around 6000 students, while Engineer’s number was lower, at 4000 people. In contrast, the figures for Agriculture hold the lowest, under 500 students.
On the bar chart, the number of male students taking part in Engineer, Health and Math courses were higher than female ones. Female students interested in Management was 4000, which was doubled the figures for male students in the same class. Meanwhile, most male pupils joined in Engineer course, for about 2700, which was 1500 higher than female ones in the similar course.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given mixed chart" -> "The provided mixed chart"
Explanation: "Provided" is more formal and appropriate in academic contexts than "given," which can sound somewhat informal and less precise.
"variety types of subjects" -> "various types of subjects"
Explanation: "Various" is the correct adjective form to use with "types," enhancing the grammatical accuracy and formality of the phrase.
"in a university" -> "in a university setting"
Explanation: "In a university setting" is a more formal and precise way to describe the context, aligning better with academic style.
"unequally" -> "unevenly"
Explanation: "Unevenly" is more specific and appropriate in this context, describing the distribution of students across subjects in a more precise manner.
"mainly in Management and Engineer" -> "primarily in Management and Engineering"
Explanation: "Engineering" should be used instead of "Engineer" to refer to the field of study, and "primarily" is more formal than "mainly."
"On the line graph" -> "In the line graph"
Explanation: "In the line graph" is grammatically correct and more formal than "On the line graph."
"hold more than half of the total number" -> "account for more than half of the total"
Explanation: "Account for" is a more precise and formal expression than "hold," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context.
"The Management one" -> "the Management course"
Explanation: "The Management course" is more specific and formal than "The Management one," which is colloquial.
"was the highest, at around 6000 students" -> "was the highest, with approximately 6000 students"
Explanation: "With approximately" is more formal and precise than "at around," which is somewhat informal.
"lower, at 4000 people" -> "lower, with approximately 4000 students"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "students" instead of "people," which is more appropriate in an academic context.
"the figures for Agriculture hold the lowest" -> "the figures for Agriculture were the lowest"
Explanation: "Were the lowest" is grammatically correct and more formal than "hold the lowest," which is incorrect.
"under 500 students" -> "fewer than 500 students"
Explanation: "Fewer than" is the correct comparative form for quantities, improving the formality and precision of the statement.
"male students taking part in Engineer, Health and Math courses" -> "male students enrolled in Engineering, Health, and Mathematics courses"
Explanation: "Enrolled in" is more precise than "taking part in," and "Engineering, Health, and Mathematics" are the correct terms for academic disciplines.
"interested in Management was 4000" -> "enrolled in the Management course numbered 4000"
Explanation: "Enrolled in the Management course numbered" is more specific and formal, clarifying the context of the enrollment figures.
"which was doubled the figures for male students in the same class" -> "which was twice the number of male students in the same class"
Explanation: "Twice the number" is a more precise and formal way to express the comparison, avoiding the awkward construction "was doubled the figures."
"most male pupils joined in Engineer course" -> "the majority of male students were enrolled in the Engineering course"
Explanation: "The majority of male students were enrolled in the Engineering course" is more formal and corrects the awkward phrasing of "most male pupils joined in Engineer course."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay focuses on details, such as the number of students in each course, rather than on the overall trends.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that the number of students taking Management courses was the highest, followed by Engineering, and that the number of students taking Agriculture courses was the lowest. The essay could also highlight the differences in the number of male and female students taking each course. The essay should also avoid using informal language, such as "pupils" and "class."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to describe the data, the flow of ideas is not always logical, and there are instances of inadequate referencing and substitution. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, leading to some repetition and confusion. Paragraphing is present but not always effective, which detracts from the overall coherence of the response.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer connections between ideas and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct central topic. Improving the use of cohesive devices by varying them and avoiding over-reliance on any single type would help. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph logically leads to the next, with appropriate transitions, will improve the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While the writer attempts to use some less common vocabulary (e.g., "illustrates," "division"), there are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation (e.g., "hold more than half," "joined in Engineer course"). Additionally, spelling and word formation errors are present, such as "Engineer" instead of "Engineering," which may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the vocabulary used does not fully convey precise meanings, and the errors detract from the clarity of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and ensuring accuracy in word choice and collocation. Practicing the use of synonyms and more sophisticated terms, as well as reviewing spelling and word formation rules, can help reduce errors. Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence structures and phrases can improve the overall fluency and flexibility of vocabulary usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms with some attempts at complex sentences. However, there are frequent grammatical errors and inaccuracies, particularly in subject-verb agreement and article usage (e.g., "the figures for students taking part in variety types of subjects" should be "a variety of types of subjects"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. Additionally, the punctuation is often faulty, which further detracts from the overall clarity of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should practice using a wider variety of complex sentence structures and ensure that they maintain subject-verb agreement and proper article usage. Additionally, focusing on reducing grammatical errors through careful proofreading and revision will help improve clarity. Engaging with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can also aid in developing a more accurate and flexible use of language.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given mixed chart illustrates the figures for students participating in various types of subjects at a university by gender in 2012.

Overall, the number of students enrolling in six courses was divided unequally, particularly in Management and Engineering. The gender distribution varied across each course.

On the line graph, the number of students in Management and Engineering accounted for more than half of the total. Management had the highest enrollment, with around 6,000 students, while the number for Engineering was lower, at 4,000 students. In contrast, the figures for Agriculture were the lowest, with fewer than 500 students.

On the bar chart, the number of male students enrolled in Engineering, Health, and Math courses was higher than that of female students. Female students interested in Management numbered 4,000, which was double the figure for male students in the same course. Meanwhile, most male pupils enrolled in the Engineering course, totaling approximately 2,700, which was 1,500 higher than the number of female students in the same course.