The graph and the chart below show the number of students choosing different kinds of courses in a university in 2012.

The given bar chart depicts the differences of students enrolling in six distinct courses in a university in the year 2012.
The initial impression from the picture would be that more males chose engineering and science and math than females; and an opposite trend was true for social sciences, health and humanities. Among six courses, social sciences were the most prevalent, while agriculture attracted the least considerable number of students.
The quantity of students registered in the social sciences course was the highest for both genders, amounting to 4000 females and nearly 3000 males. On the other hand, agriculture was the least common course in this university with only about 200 men and 200 women enrolling in. Engineering was relatively popular with males, as it had nearly 2500 students which tripled the number of its counterparts.

In terms of students enrolment in health and humanities, there was a similarity in the pattern of these two subjects, with about 2000 female students and under 1000 male students for each subject. Science and math interested roughly 1500 men and a half of that for women in the year 2012.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given bar chart depicts the differences of students enrolling in six distinct courses" -> "The bar chart illustrates the enrollment differences among six distinct courses"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise verb than "depicts" in this context, and "enrollment differences among" is more formal and specific than "the differences of students enrolling."
"The initial impression from the picture would be" -> "The initial impression from the data suggests"
Explanation: "Data" is more precise than "picture" in academic contexts, and "suggests" is a more formal verb than "would be."
"an opposite trend was true for social sciences, health and humanities" -> "a converse trend was observed in social sciences, health, and humanities"
Explanation: "Converse" is more precise and formal than "opposite," and using commas instead of "and" after "health" improves readability and formality.
"the most prevalent" -> "the most popular"
Explanation: "Popular" is a more common and appropriate term in academic writing when discussing student enrollment patterns.
"attracted the least considerable number of students" -> "attracted the smallest number of students"
Explanation: "Smallest" is a clearer and more direct term than "least considerable," which is awkward and vague in this context.
"The quantity of students registered in the social sciences course was the highest" -> "The largest number of students registered in the social sciences course"
Explanation: "The largest number" is more direct and formal than "the highest quantity," which is less commonly used in academic writing.
"On the other hand, agriculture was the least common course in this university with only about 200 men and 200 women enrolling in" -> "Conversely, agriculture was the least popular course in this university, with only about 200 men and 200 women enrolled"
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transition than "On the other hand," and "enrolled" is the correct form for the past tense of "enroll."
"Engineering was relatively popular with males, as it had nearly 2500 students which tripled the number of its counterparts" -> "Engineering was relatively popular among males, with nearly 2500 students, more than three times the number of its counterparts"
Explanation: "Among males" is more precise than "with males," and rephrasing "which tripled the number of its counterparts" to "more than three times the number of its counterparts" improves clarity and formality.
"In terms of students enrolment in health and humanities, there was a similarity in the pattern of these two subjects" -> "Regarding student enrollment in health and humanities, the patterns of these two subjects were similar"
Explanation: "Regarding" is more formal than "In terms of," and "the patterns of these two subjects were similar" is a more concise and formal way to express the similarity.
"interested roughly 1500 men and a half of that for women" -> "attracted approximately 1500 men and half that number of women"
Explanation: "Attracted" is more precise than "interested" in this context, and "half that number of women" is clearer and more formal than "a half of that for women."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay covers all the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could provide more specific details about the differences in enrollment between males and females in each course.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in enrollment between males and females in each course. For example, the essay could state that the number of male students enrolled in engineering was three times higher than the number of female students enrolled in engineering. The essay could also provide more specific details about the overall trends in enrollment, such as the fact that the number of students enrolled in social sciences was significantly higher than the number of students enrolled in any other course.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices is evident, but there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. While the essay does utilize paragraphing, the organization within paragraphs is not always logical, and some ideas could be better connected to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic that is well-developed. Additionally, refining the use of referencing and substitution could help reduce repetition and enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the differences of students enrolling" (which could be better phrased as "the number of students enrolling") and "the least considerable number" (which should be "the least number"). Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "enrolment" (which is misspelled as "enrolment" in one instance). While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary accurately and appropriately. This includes avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors would help improve the overall quality of the essay. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and complex sentence structures could also elevate the score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the least considerable number of students" and "the least common course in this university with only about 200 men and 200 women enrolling in" could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are some punctuation issues, such as missing commas, which affect the overall readability of the text. However, the meaning is generally clear, and the errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving grammatical accuracy and expanding the range of sentence structures used. This can be done by practicing complex sentence formations and ensuring that punctuation is used correctly. Additionally, reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and coherence will help enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging with a wider variety of academic texts can also provide exposure to more sophisticated grammatical structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart depicts the differences in student enrollment across six distinct courses at a university in the year 2012. The initial impression from the chart is that more males chose engineering and science and math compared to females, while the opposite trend was observed for social sciences, health, and humanities. Among the six courses, social sciences were the most popular, whereas agriculture attracted the least number of students.

The number of students registered in the social sciences course was the highest for both genders, amounting to 4,000 females and nearly 3,000 males. In contrast, agriculture was the least common course at this university, with only about 200 men and 200 women enrolling. Engineering was relatively popular among males, with nearly 2,500 students, which was three times the number of female students in that course.

Regarding student enrollment in health and humanities, there was a similar pattern for these two subjects, with approximately 2,000 female students and under 1,000 male students for each subject. Science and math attracted roughly 1,500 men and half that number for women in the year 2012.