The graph and the chart below show the uuiuber of students choosing different kind of courses in a particular university in 2012

The provided graph and chart illustrate the diverse sections that students attended in a particular college in 2012.
Overall, it is clear that management was the leading category, while agriculture recorded the lowest level among the courses. It is also notable that while women took the majority in the 5th sector, male took the most advantage in engineering.
In detail, regarding to the total number of students, about 6000 college students chose management as their major. Around 2000 students fewer was for the engineer sector, with approximately 4000 attendants. Next, health rank in third place with about 2000 attendee, while math, art and agriculture rank in fourth, fifth and sixth place, respectively, all of which have fewer than 1000 students.

Regarding to genders, the number of females outweigh male in management and art, with slightly 4000 students in the former, making this sector the highest students rate of all categories; meanwhile, the number between two genders was of little difference. The opposite trend was true for male, with significant gaps in health and math, whereas about 200 students in both genders attended agriculture.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the provided graph and chart" -> "the accompanying graph and chart"
Explanation: "Accompanying" is more formal and precise in academic writing, indicating that the graphs and charts are part of the text being discussed.
"diverse sections" -> "various disciplines"
Explanation: "Disciplines" is more specific and academically appropriate than "sections," which is vague and less commonly used in this context.
"leading category" -> "predominant field"
Explanation: "Predominant field" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the dominance of management among the disciplines.
"recorded the lowest level" -> "had the lowest enrollment"
Explanation: "Had the lowest enrollment" is a more accurate and formal way to describe the number of students in a field.
"male took the most advantage in" -> "males had the highest enrollment in"
Explanation: "Had the highest enrollment in" is more specific and formal than "took the most advantage in," which is colloquial and imprecise.
"Regarding to" -> "Regarding"
Explanation: "Regarding" should not be followed by "to," as it is grammatically incorrect. The phrase should stand alone.
"around 2000 students fewer was for the engineer sector" -> "approximately 2000 fewer students chose engineering"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.
"attendants" -> "students"
Explanation: "Attendees" is incorrect in this context; "students" is the correct term for those enrolled in a course.
"rank in third place with about 2000 attendee" -> "ranked third with approximately 2000 students"
Explanation: "Ranked" is the correct verb form for this context, and "approximately" is more formal than "about."
"math, art and agriculture rank in fourth, fifth and sixth place" -> "math, art, and agriculture ranked fourth, fifth, and sixth"
Explanation: Consistent verb tense and the use of commas for clarity improve readability and formality.
"Regarding to genders" -> "Regarding gender"
Explanation: "Regarding gender" is grammatically correct and more formal than "Regarding to genders."
"the number of females outweigh male" -> "the number of females outnumbered males"
Explanation: "Outnumbered" is the correct verb form, and "males" should be plural to match "number."
"making this sector the highest students rate of all categories" -> "making it the highest enrollment rate among all categories"
Explanation: "Enrollment rate" is a more precise term than "students rate," and "it" is more appropriate than "this sector."
"little difference" -> "minimal difference"
Explanation: "Minimal" is a more precise and formal adjective than "little" in academic writing.
"significant gaps" -> "substantial disparities"
Explanation: "Disparities" is more specific and formal than "gaps," and "substantial" enhances the academic tone.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "the number of females outweigh male in management and art," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the number between two genders was of little difference."

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview. For example, the essay could state that "the number of females in management was approximately 4000, while the number of males was approximately 2000." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the statement that "the number between two genders was of little difference" is not relevant to the task.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While the writer attempts to structure the essay by introducing the main categories and providing details, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The use of cohesive devices is present but often inadequate or inaccurate, leading to confusion in some areas. For example, phrases like "regarding to" are used incorrectly, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, the essay lacks clear paragraphing; while there are attempts to separate ideas, the transitions between points are not always logical or smooth, contributing to a sense of repetition and mechanical cohesion.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas by using more varied and appropriate cohesive devices. Clearer paragraphing is essential; each paragraph should have a distinct central topic and a logical progression of ideas. Additionally, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring accurate referencing will help to clarify relationships between ideas. Finally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and coherence will strengthen the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "attended," "major," and "sector." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the leading category" and "the highest students rate," which detract from the overall clarity. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "attendants" instead of "attendees" and "male took the most advantage," which could confuse the reader but do not severely impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would help improve clarity and professionalism in the writing. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and expressions, while ensuring they are used correctly, would also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. While there are some accurate sentences, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "the number of females outweigh male" and "about 200 students in both genders attended agriculture" contain grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas, detract from the overall clarity of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of grammatical structures by incorporating more complex sentences and ensuring accuracy in their use. This includes practicing subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and improving punctuation. Additionally, proofreading for common errors and refining sentence structure will enhance clarity and coherence. Engaging with a wider variety of sentence forms and practicing writing with a focus on grammatical accuracy will also contribute to improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided graph and chart illustrate the diverse sections that students attended in a particular university in 2012. Overall, it is clear that management was the leading category, while agriculture recorded the lowest level among the courses. It is also notable that while women constituted the majority in the arts sector, men had a greater representation in engineering.

In detail, regarding the total number of students, about 6,000 college students chose management as their major. Approximately 2,000 fewer students selected the engineering sector, with around 4,000 attendees. Health ranked in third place with about 2,000 attendees, while mathematics, art, and agriculture ranked in fourth, fifth, and sixth places, respectively, all of which had fewer than 1,000 students.

Regarding gender distribution, the number of females outweighed males in management and art, with nearly 4,000 students in the former, making this sector the highest in student enrollment among all categories; meanwhile, the difference between the two genders was minimal in these areas. Conversely, the opposite trend was observed for males, who had significant representation in health and mathematics, whereas about 200 students from both genders attended agriculture.