The graph below shows how elderly people in Europe spent their free time between 1980 and 2010.

The chart illustrates the percentage of leisure time spent on five different activities by the elderly in Europe from 1980 to 2010.

Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of free time used by European elderly people in almost all activities, except for the theater sector. Additionally, the figure for hiking witnessed the most dramatic rise and became the most enjoyed leisure activity from 2005 onwards.

The proportion of elderly people choosing to play sport at leisure was 60%, after which it experienced a gradual rise to 70%, before ending the period at about 65%. Opposite changes can be seen in the figure for the choice of theatre, which decreased from 50% to 30% in the first 10 years and then rose gradually to around 45% in 2010.

20% of the senior citizens in Europe chose hiking in their spare time, with a subsequent jump to reach a peak at exactly 80%. Similar changes, but to a lesser extent, can be seen in the figures for surfing the Internet, which increased from just under 10% in 1980 to 50% in 2010. Finally, the percentage of European elders deciding on reading for entertainment was at 30% and then it saw fluctuations until 2000, before ending the period at 60%.

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Errors and Improvements:

"proportion of free time used" -> "allocation of leisure time"
Explanation: "Proportion of free time used" is a bit repetitive and less precise compared to "allocation of leisure time," which conveys the idea of how time is spent more succinctly.
"witnessed the most dramatic rise" -> "experienced the most significant surge"
Explanation: "Witnessed the most dramatic rise" is a common phrase, but "experienced the most significant surge" offers a more refined alternative with a similar meaning.
"choosing to play sport" -> "opting to engage in sports"
Explanation: "Choosing to play sport" is grammatically correct but using "opting to engage in sports" adds a more formal and sophisticated tone to the sentence.
"Opposite changes" -> "Contrasting trends"
Explanation: "Opposite changes" is somewhat vague, whereas "contrasting trends" specifically indicates the change in direction, offering a clearer description.
"deciding on reading for entertainment" -> "opting for recreational reading"
Explanation: "Deciding on reading for entertainment" is slightly awkward; "opting for recreational reading" is more concise and elegant, conveying the same meaning.
"saw fluctuations" -> "experienced fluctuations"
Explanation: "Saw fluctuations" is a colloquial expression; "experienced fluctuations" maintains formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main trends in how elderly people in Europe spent their leisure time between 1980 and 2010. It presents a clear overview of the changes in leisure activities over the period, highlighting key features such as the increasing popularity of hiking and surfing the Internet, as well as the decline in theater attendance. The information provided is relevant and appropriately selected to convey the overall trends observed in the graph.
How to improve:
To improve, the essay could extend its discussion of key features by providing more specific details or examples to further support the trends mentioned. Additionally, ensuring a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs would enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. Lastly, maintaining a consistent tone throughout the essay would contribute to a more polished presentation.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay logically organizes the information provided in the graph, with a clear progression from one point to another. Each paragraph discusses a specific activity and its changes over time, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas. The use of cohesive devices is evident, connecting sentences and ideas smoothly. Additionally, each paragraph presents a central topic related to the activity being discussed, enhancing clarity and coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion further, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Additionally, consider refining the paragraphing structure to ensure even greater logical flow between ideas. Ensure that referencing and substitution are used consistently and appropriately to avoid any potential confusion for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. It effectively describes the trends shown in the graph using varied vocabulary related to leisure activities and percentages. There is a good attempt to use less common vocabulary (e.g., "proportion," "witnessed," "senior citizens") and some awareness of style and collocation. The essay generally conveys the intended meaning, but occasional errors in word choice and collocation are present.

How to improve: To enhance lexical resource further, strive for more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Ensure precise word choice and accurate collocation throughout the essay. Review for any errors in word formation or spelling to enhance clarity and coherence. Additionally, expanding the range of less common vocabulary items could strengthen the lexical richness of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, such as using introductory clauses ("Overall," "Additionally," "Opposite changes can be seen"), participial phrases ("20% of the senior citizens in Europe chose hiking in their spare time, with a subsequent jump to reach a peak at exactly 80%"), and compound sentences ("The proportion of elderly people choosing to play sport at leisure was 60%, after which it experienced a gradual rise to 70%, before ending the period at about 65%"). The use of these structures enhances the coherence and sophistication of the essay.

The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a smooth and clear expression of ideas. There are only minor errors, such as missing articles ("the figure for hiking witnessed the most dramatic rise"), which do not significantly impede comprehension. Overall, the essay demonstrates good control of grammar and punctuation, with occasional errors that do not detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the writing.

How to improve:
To further enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer could aim for more varied sentence structures and ensure consistency in the use of articles. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate minor errors would help maintain a higher level of accuracy throughout the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided report describes the leisure activities of elderly people in Europe between 1980 and 2010. It highlights the changes in the percentage of time spent on five different activities over this period.

Overall, there was a general increase in the proportion of free time spent on most activities, except for theatre. Hiking, in particular, experienced a significant rise and became the most popular leisure activity after 2005.

Initially, 60% of elderly individuals engaged in sports during their leisure time. This proportion gradually increased to around 70% before slightly dropping to approximately 65% by 2010. In contrast, the percentage of elderly people attending theatre performances decreased from 50% to 30% in the first decade and then gradually rose to about 45% by the end of the period.

About 20% of senior citizens in Europe chose hiking as a leisure activity, which later surged to 80%. A similar, though less pronounced, trend can be observed in the percentage of elderly individuals using the Internet for leisure, which increased from just under 10% in 1980 to 50% in 2010. Finally, the percentage of European elders who opted for reading as a form of entertainment was initially 30% and fluctuated until 2000, eventually ending the period at 60%.