The graph below shows the changes in UK birth rate of women in 6 different age group from 1973 to 2008.
The graph below shows the changes in UK birth rate of women in 6 different age group from 1973 to 2008.
The line graph compares the changes in British women’s fertility rate from 6 different age groups between 1973 and 2008.
Overall, despite fluctuation, women aged 25–29 contributed the largest number of births, while the reverse was true for those who aged more than 40. In addition, while the birth rate of women from 30 to 39 years old gradually increased, the other groups experienced a decline.
In 1973, the number of births given by the 25-29 group was the highest, with 140 per 1000 people before seeing fluctuations around 120 to nearly 140 and reaching 120 in 2008. The following group was young women from 20 to 25 years old, which started at over 120 and then experienced a noticeable decrease to around 90 in the last surveyed year. The 30-35 group began with just roughly 70, significantly lower than the two groups above, but then increased gradually to nearly 90 in 2008.
Regarding women under the age of 20, this figure remained at 60 in 1973 and remained at 40 in 2008 after decreasing moderately. The figure for women aged 35 to 39 saw a significant increase, which started lower than the under-20 year old group but then surpassed it and rose to around 60 in the last year. The figure for women over 40 years old witnessed a marginal decrease, from 20 to 15, in the whole period.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"the changes in British women’s fertility rate" -> "the variations in the fertility rates of British women"
Explanation: "Variations" is a more precise term that suggests differences over time, while "fertility rates" is the correct plural form to match the context. -
"despite fluctuation" -> "despite fluctuations"
Explanation: The plural form "fluctuations" is more appropriate here, as it indicates multiple instances of change over time. -
"the reverse was true for those who aged more than 40" -> "the opposite was true for those aged over 40"
Explanation: "The opposite" is a clearer and more formal expression than "the reverse," and "aged over 40" is a more concise phrasing. -
"the birth rate of women from 30 to 39 years old gradually increased" -> "the birth rate among women aged 30 to 39 years gradually increased"
Explanation: "Among" is more precise than "of" in this context, and "aged" is a more formal way to refer to the age group. -
"the other groups experienced a decline" -> "the other age groups experienced a decline"
Explanation: Specifying "age groups" clarifies which groups are being referred to, enhancing precision. -
"the number of births given by the 25-29 group was the highest" -> "the number of births among women aged 25 to 29 was the highest"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate than "given by," and "aged 25 to 29" is a clearer and more formal expression. -
"before seeing fluctuations around 120 to nearly 140" -> "before experiencing fluctuations between approximately 120 and nearly 140"
Explanation: "Experiencing" is a more formal verb choice, and "between approximately" provides clearer numerical context. -
"which started at over 120 and then experienced a noticeable decrease" -> "which began at over 120 and subsequently experienced a significant decrease"
Explanation: "Began" is a more formal alternative to "started," and "subsequently" is a more precise transitional word than "then." -
"the 30-35 group began with just roughly 70" -> "the group of women aged 30 to 34 began with approximately 70"
Explanation: Specifying "women aged 30 to 34" provides clarity, and "approximately" is a more formal term than "just roughly." -
"this figure remained at 60 in 1973 and remained at 40 in 2008 after decreasing moderately" -> "this figure remained at 60 in 1973 and decreased to 40 in 2008"
Explanation: The phrase is streamlined for clarity and conciseness, removing redundancy. -
"the figure for women aged 35 to 39 saw a significant increase, which started lower than the under-20 year old group" -> "the figure for women aged 35 to 39 experienced a significant increase, starting lower than that of the under-20 age group"
Explanation: "Experienced" is a more formal verb choice than "saw," and "that of" clarifies the comparison. -
"the figure for women over 40 years old witnessed a marginal decrease" -> "the figure for women aged over 40 experienced a marginal decrease"
Explanation: "Aged over 40" is a more formal phrasing than "over 40 years old," and "experienced" is a more academic verb choice than "witnessed."
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that the birth rate of women aged 30 to 39 years old gradually increased, but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also presents some details that are irrelevant or inaccurate, such as the statement that the birth rate of women under 20 years old remained at 60 in 1973.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview of the main trends. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could simply state that the birth rate of women aged 30 to 39 years old increased from 70 to 90 between 1973 and 2008, rather than providing a detailed description of the gradual increase.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, presenting a clear progression throughout the response. Each age group is addressed in a structured manner, and there is a clear central topic within each paragraph. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances of slight under-use, particularly in linking some sentences and ideas more fluidly. Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, but some areas could benefit from improved transitions and referencing.
How to improve: To enhance the score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates back to the overall topic can help strengthen coherence. More explicit referencing of data points could also improve clarity and cohesion, making the relationships between ideas more apparent.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "fertility rate," "fluctuation," and "significant increase." However, the use of less common vocabulary is limited, and there are instances of inaccuracy in word choice and collocation, such as "the reverse was true for those who aged more than 40," which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the 30-35 group" instead of "the 30 to 35 age group," which may cause minor confusion but do not impede overall communication.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer could incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more sophisticated and varied expressions. They should also aim to use less common lexical items accurately and ensure correct collocation. Paying attention to spelling and word formation will further improve clarity and precision in communication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the reverse was true for those who aged more than 40" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, while the overall meaning is communicated, the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation suggests that the control of language is not fully secure.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be done by proofreading the essay for common errors and practicing more complex sentence constructions to enhance variety. Additionally, ensuring that all sentences are clear and concise will improve overall communication and coherence. Engaging with more advanced grammatical structures and seeking feedback on written work can also help in refining language skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
The line graph compares the changes in British women’s fertility rates across six different age groups between 1973 and 2008.
Overall, despite fluctuations, women aged 25–29 contributed the largest number of births, while the opposite was true for those over 40. Additionally, while the birth rate for women aged 30 to 39 gradually increased, the other groups experienced a decline.
In 1973, the number of births among the 25-29 age group was the highest, at 140 per 1,000 people, before experiencing fluctuations between 120 and nearly 140, ultimately reaching 120 in 2008. The next group, young women aged 20 to 25, started at over 120 but then saw a noticeable decrease to around 90 in the last surveyed year. The 30-34 age group began with approximately 70, significantly lower than the two groups above, but then increased gradually to nearly 90 by 2008.
For women under the age of 20, the figure remained at 60 in 1973 and decreased moderately to 40 in 2008. The birth rate for women aged 35 to 39 saw a significant increase, starting lower than the under-20 age group but eventually surpassing it, rising to around 60 in the final year. The figure for women over 40 experienced a marginal decrease, from 20 to 15, over the entire period.
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