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The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in one country between 2011 and 2018.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph compares the number of shops that closed and the number of new shops that opened in the country from 2011 to 2018.
Overall, the number of shop openings declined, while the number of shop closures increased significantly.
From 2011 to 2012, the shop closures increased from 6500 to 6000. However, the number of shop openings fell clearly from 8500 to 4000.
The following 4 years, the number of shop closures climbed slowly, but in 2015 ones particularly dropped, while the other increased.
About 4 final years, the number of that shop closures climbed clearly around from 900 to 3000; However, the number of new shop openings were not increased clearly, but in 2018, the number of shop openings dropped around 4000 to 3000.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Overall, the number of shop openings declined, while the number of shop closures increased significantly."
    -> "In general, there was a decline in the number of shop openings, accompanied by a significant increase in shop closures."
    Explanation: The suggested revision maintains a formal tone by using "in general" and rephrasing to create a more structured and academically appropriate sentence.

  2. "From 2011 to 2012, the shop closures increased from 6500 to 6000. However, the number of shop openings fell clearly from 8500 to 4000."
    -> "Between 2011 and 2012, there was an increase in shop closures from 6500 to 6000. Conversely, the number of shop openings experienced a marked decline from 8500 to 4000."
    Explanation: Replacing "fell clearly" with "experienced a marked decline" adds precision to the description, and the overall revision enhances the academic tone of the sentence.

  3. "The following 4 years, the number of shop closures climbed slowly, but in 2015 ones particularly dropped, while the other increased."
    -> "Over the next four years, there was a gradual increase in the number of shop closures. However, in 2015, closures notably decreased, while openings saw an increase."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace colloquial expressions like "climbed slowly" with more formal terms like "gradual increase" and "notably decreased," maintaining an academic tone.

  4. "About 4 final years, the number of that shop closures climbed clearly around from 900 to 3000; However, the number of new shop openings were not increased clearly, but in 2018, the number of shop openings dropped around 4000 to 3000."
    -> "Over the last four years, the number of shop closures increased significantly, rising from 900 to 3000. However, the number of new shop openings did not exhibit a clear increase. In 2018, the number of shop openings declined from around 4000 to 3000."
    Explanation: The revisions replace informal language like "climbed clearly around" with more precise terms like "increased significantly" and "exhibited a clear increase," contributing to a more academic and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately summarizes the main features of the graph, covering both the number of shop closures and openings over the specified period. It mentions the overall trend, some specific years, and provides a general idea of the changes observed in shop closures and openings.
    • How to improve: While the essay provides a basic overview, it lacks specific numerical details, such as the exact number of shop closures and openings in certain years. Encourage the writer to be more precise and detailed in their summary, including specific data points to enhance the completeness of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by stating that the number of shop openings declined while the number of shop closures increased significantly. This clear stance is maintained throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is commendable, but the essay could benefit from more sophisticated language and varied sentence structures. Encourage the use of synonyms and diverse sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of expression.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a basic presentation of ideas by describing the trends in shop closures and openings. However, the lack of specific data points and limited elaboration on the reasons behind the trends weakens the overall development.
    • How to improve: Recommend incorporating more detailed explanations, such as reasons behind the observed trends, potential factors influencing shop closures and openings, and implications of these changes. This will enhance the depth and coherence of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the trends in shop closures and openings. However, there are instances of unclear or awkward phrasing, and the transitions between different time periods are not smooth.
    • How to improve: Suggest refining the language and sentence structure to ensure clarity and coherence. Additionally, advise on using smooth transitions between different points and years to improve the overall flow of the essay.

Overall, the essay provides a satisfactory response to the task, but there is room for improvement in terms of precision, language sophistication, detailed explanations, and the overall structure of the essay. Encourage the writer to focus on these aspects for enhancement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally logical organization of information. The introduction effectively introduces the main features to be discussed. The chronological progression from 2011 to 2018 is maintained, aiding comprehension. However, there are instances where the transitions between sentences could be smoother, affecting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more transitional phrases between sentences. For example, phrases like "Moreover," or "On the contrary," can help link ideas more clearly, providing a smoother reading experience.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains identifiable paragraphs, and each paragraph seems to focus on a specific time period. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved. Some sentences seem disconnected from others, impacting the overall effectiveness of the paragraph.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and subsequent sentences within the paragraph should provide supporting details related to that main idea. Revise sentences that seem disconnected to ensure a more cohesive structure within paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses basic cohesive devices, such as "however" and "while," to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of cohesive devices. More sophisticated devices like "furthermore" or "consequently" could be incorporated for a richer connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: Integrate a broader range of cohesive devices to create a more nuanced relationship between ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and sophisticated presentation of information. Practice using these devices in a variety of contexts to develop a natural incorporation into your writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. Improvements in transitional phrases, paragraph structure, and the use of a wider array of cohesive devices can contribute to an even more effective and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with attempts to vary the language. For instance, the author uses phrases such as "declined," "fell clearly," and "climbed slowly" to express changes. However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repeated, and a few words lack specificity, limiting the variety of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and varied expressions. Instead of repeatedly using terms like "climbed" and "clearly," explore synonyms and alternative phrases to convey nuances more effectively. Additionally, introduce specific vocabulary related to economic trends, such as "fluctuations," "downturn," or "upswing," to elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies throughout the essay. While some terms like "climbed slowly" provide a clear image, others, such as "ones particularly dropped," lack precision and clarity. There is a mix of precise and imprecise language, affecting the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Focus on consistently using precise and accurate vocabulary. Instead of vague terms like "ones particularly dropped," specify the exact numbers or percentages to convey a more precise picture. Additionally, ensure that the chosen vocabulary aligns with the context to avoid potential confusion. Consider revising sentences for clarity and specificity, maintaining a cohesive and accurate portrayal of the data.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling errors, such as "ones" instead of "once" and "around" instead of "ranged." While these errors do not severely impede comprehension, they impact the overall professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling accuracy. Review and proofread your essay to catch and correct errors. Consider using spelling and grammar tools to identify and rectify mistakes. Additionally, practice spelling common words related to the topic to improve overall spelling proficiency. Consistent attention to spelling will enhance the overall presentation of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory range of sentence structures. The writer successfully employs simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the initial sentence is complex, providing an overview of the graph. However, there is a tendency to use repetitive sentence structures, such as starting several sentences with "The number of" or "However."
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with diverse subordination techniques. Additionally, be mindful of repetitive sentence starters. For instance, instead of frequently starting sentences with "The number of," try using introductory phrases or clauses.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates satisfactory grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity. For instance, in the sentence "The following 4 years," the article "the" should be omitted. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "ones particularly dropped." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like the inconsistent use of semicolons.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation. Review the essay to ensure consistent use of punctuation marks. Consider using commas or full stops instead of semicolons if unsure about their proper usage. Proofread the essay to catch and correct errors in grammar and punctuation, ensuring a smoother and more precise expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided line graph illustrates changes in the number of shop closures and new shop openings in a country from 2011 to 2018.

In general, there was a decline in the number of shop openings, accompanied by a significant increase in shop closures. Between 2011 and 2012, there was an increase in shop closures from 6500 to 6000. Conversely, the number of shop openings experienced a marked decline from 8500 to 4000.

Over the next four years, there was a gradual increase in the number of shop closures. However, in 2015, closures notably decreased, while openings saw an increase.

Over the last four years, the number of shop closures increased significantly, rising from 900 to 3000. However, the number of new shop openings did not exhibit a clear increase. In 2018, the number of shop openings declined from around 4000 to 3000.

In summary, the trend indicates a general decrease in shop openings and a notable increase in closures, with fluctuations observed in the intervening years.

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