The graph below shows the percentage of people by age group visiting the cinema at least once per month in one particular country between 1978 and 2008

The line graphs depict information about the proportion of individuals who visit the cinema at least once a month in four age groups in one particular country from 1978 to 2008.
Overall, it is evident that the age 50+ group has an upward trend, however, the 3 remaining age cohorts declined slightly between 1978 and 2008. In addition, teenagers also had the highest number of visits to the cinema throughout the period, whereas the opposite was true for the elderly.
In the first period, the age 50+ groups just initial at approximately 42%, meanwhile the age 35-49 groups started at 60%. After 10 years, these two cohorts decreased by 30% and 50%, respectively. In 1998, the figure for individuals in two of these groups who visited the cinema at least once a month was more than the initial 10%. At the end of this period, about 9% more people aged 35-49 went to the movies than the elderly.
Conversely, the age 14-24 and the 25-34 groups stated at 90% and 80%, respectively. In 1988 the proportion of the aged 25-34 declined significantly to under 60%., conversely, the age 14-24 just declined slightly to 85% throughout the 10 years. From 1988 to 1998, there was a significant increase to 80% in the age 25-34 cohorts, about 10% more people aged 14-24 went to the cinema than the teenager groups. In 2008, the proportion of the aged 14-24 group was stood at 87% compared to 75% of individuals in age 25-34

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graphs depict" -> "The line graphs illustrate"
Explanation: "Illustrate" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "depict" in the context of presenting data in graphs, enhancing the formal tone of the introduction.
"it is evident that" -> "it is clear that"
Explanation: "It is clear that" is a more straightforward and formal way to introduce a statement about obvious trends in data, aligning better with academic writing standards.
"the 3 remaining age cohorts" -> "the three remaining age cohorts"
Explanation: "Three" should be spelled out for formal writing, adhering to the conventions of academic style.
"the age 50+ group" -> "the 50+ age group"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase to "the 50+ age group" is more natural and commonly used in academic and formal contexts.
"just initial at" -> "initially started"
Explanation: "Initially started" corrects the grammatical error and provides a more natural expression.
"meanwhile the age 35-49 groups started at 60%" -> "meanwhile, the 35-49 age group started at 60%"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "meanwhile" improves the sentence structure, and using "age group" instead of "groups" corrects the grammatical number agreement.
"these two cohorts decreased by 30% and 50%, respectively" -> "these two cohorts decreased by 30% and 50% respectively"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "respectively" is correct for formal writing, as it is typically used without a comma.
"Conversely, the age 14-24 and the 25-34 groups stated at 90% and 80%, respectively" -> "Conversely, the 14-24 and 25-34 age groups started at 90% and 80%, respectively"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "stated" to "started" and rephrasing to "age groups" improves grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"the proportion of the aged 25-34 declined significantly to under 60%" -> "the proportion of the 25-34 age group declined significantly to less than 60%"
Explanation: "Less than" is more precise than "under" in formal writing, and "age group" should be used instead of "aged" to maintain consistency.
"the age 14-24 just declined slightly to 85%" -> "the 14-24 age group declined only slightly to 85%"
Explanation: "Only" is more precise than "just" in formal writing, and "age group" should be used consistently.
"there was a significant increase to 80% in the age 25-34 cohorts" -> "there was a significant increase to 80% in the 25-34 age cohorts"
Explanation: Correcting "cohorts" to "age cohorts" maintains consistency in terminology.
"about 10% more people aged 14-24 went to the cinema than the teenager groups" -> "approximately 10% more individuals in the 14-24 age group attended the cinema than the teenager groups"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "about," and "individuals in the 14-24 age group" is more precise than "people aged 14-24."
"the proportion of the aged 14-24 group was stood at 87%" -> "the proportion of the 14-24 age group was at 87%"
Explanation: "Was at" corrects the grammatical error and improves the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends, and the data provided is not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the age 50+ group has an upward trend, but the graph shows that this group’s percentage remained relatively stable. The essay also states that the age 14-24 group had the highest number of visits to the cinema throughout the period, but the graph shows that this group’s percentage was lower than the age 25-34 group’s percentage for most of the period.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the graph. The essay should also focus on providing accurate data and avoid making generalizations. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the graph. For example, instead of saying "declined slightly," the essay could say "decreased by 5%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion is mechanical or slightly faulty, particularly in the transitions between sentences and ideas. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as some ideas appear to be jumbled together without clear separation.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth and logical. Additionally, organizing the information into distinct paragraphs that clearly separate different age groups or trends would improve clarity. Finally, ensuring that all data is accurately referenced and avoiding repetition will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "cohorts" and "proportion," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrases, such as "initial at approximately" and "was stood at." There are also noticeable errors in spelling and punctuation, such as "stated" instead of "started" and inconsistent use of commas. While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do affect the overall clarity and fluency of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with more precision, ensuring that word choices are appropriate for the context. Additionally, practicing spelling and grammar to reduce errors will improve clarity. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases while maintaining accuracy will also help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at using complex structures, the overall grammatical control is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as “the age 50+ groups just initial at approximately 42%” (should be “started”) and “the proportion of the aged 14-24 group was stood at 87%” (should be “stood at 87%”). These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate flexibility.
Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to catch and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
Punctuation Practice: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and periods, to improve clarity and flow.
Grammar Exercises: Engage in targeted grammar exercises to strengthen understanding and application of complex structures.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graphs depict information about the proportion of individuals who visit the cinema at least once a month across four age groups in one particular country from 1978 to 2008. Overall, it is evident that the age 50+ group shows an upward trend; however, the three remaining age cohorts experienced a slight decline between 1978 and 2008. Additionally, teenagers had the highest number of visits to the cinema throughout the period, whereas the opposite was true for the elderly.

In the initial period, the age 50+ group started at approximately 42%, while the age 35-49 group began at 60%. After 10 years, these two cohorts decreased by 30% and 50%, respectively. By 1998, the figures for individuals in these two groups who visited the cinema at least once a month were more than the initial 10%. At the end of this period, about 9% more people aged 35-49 went to the movies than the elderly.

Conversely, the age 14-24 and the 25-34 groups started at 90% and 80%, respectively. In 1988, the proportion of the aged 25-34 group declined significantly to under 60%; conversely, the age 14-24 group only declined slightly to 85% over the 10 years. From 1988 to 1998, there was a significant increase to 80% in the age 25-34 cohort, with about 10% more people aged 14-24 going to the cinema than the teenagers. In 2008, the proportion of the aged 14-24 group stood at 87% compared to 75% of individuals in the age 25-34 group.