the graph below shows the percentage of people visiting GYM once a month or more between 1984 to 2003

The graph illustrates the proportion of four age groups who often go to the gym from 1984 to 2003.
In general, it is clear from the pie chart that the tendency of the generation between 18 to 45 years old and over 65 years old goes up. Moreover, the 46 to 65-year-old age groups move in a descending manner over the period.
Looking more closely at the chart, one can see that the percentage of gym goers aged 26 to 45 started at 30%, followed by peaking at 40% in 1989 before falling considerably to approximately 37% in the next 5 years, after which it experiences a significant rise to over 50% in 2003. Additionally, the 18 to 25 was about 18% in 1984 and skyrocketed to a peak of nearly 65% next 19 years.
In 1984, the proportion of the age group from 46-65 was placed second at roughly 28%, the following years saw a slight climb to 30% in this figure in 1989 but eventually plummeted to under 20%. The over-65 age group was the lowest at the beginning time with about 5%, followed by a steady go-up to over 10% in 1994. The next 5 years witnessed a slight dip of 7% in the proportion but finally surpassed the proportion of the previous age group and recorded 20% in 2003

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates" -> "The graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates," which is commonly used in academic writing to describe visual representations of data.
"often go to the gym" -> "frequent gym attendance"
Explanation: "Frequent gym attendance" is a more formal and precise way to describe the frequency of gym visits, avoiding the colloquial tone of "often go."
"the tendency of the generation" -> "the trend among the generations"
Explanation: "The trend among the generations" is more accurate and formal, as "trend" is typically used to describe patterns over time, and "among" correctly indicates that the trend applies to multiple groups.
"goes up" -> "increases"
Explanation: "Increases" is a more formal and precise term than "goes up," which is somewhat informal and vague for academic writing.
"move in a descending manner" -> "decrease"
Explanation: "Decrease" is a more direct and formal term than "move in a descending manner," which is awkward and verbose.
"started at 30%" -> "began at 30%"
Explanation: "Begun" is a more formal synonym for "started," aligning better with academic style.
"peaking at" -> "peaked at"
Explanation: "Peaked at" is the correct past tense form, which is necessary for describing a completed action in the past.
"skyrocketed" -> "rapidly increased"
Explanation: "Skyrocketed" is an informal and somewhat emotional term; "rapidly increased" is more neutral and suitable for academic writing.
"next 19 years" -> "over the next 19 years"
Explanation: Adding "over" clarifies the temporal scope, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"was placed second at roughly" -> "ranked second at approximately"
Explanation: "Ranked" is more specific and formal than "was placed," and "approximately" is preferred over "roughly" for academic precision.
"saw a slight climb" -> "experienced a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a moderate increase" is more formal and precise than "saw a slight climb," which is colloquial.
"plummeted" -> "declined significantly"
Explanation: "Declined significantly" is a more formal and precise way to describe a substantial decrease, avoiding the somewhat dramatic connotation of "plummeted."
"a steady go-up" -> "a steady increase"
Explanation: "A steady increase" is a more formal and clear expression than "a steady go-up," which is informal and awkward.
"surpassed the proportion of the previous age group" -> "exceeded the proportion of the preceding age group"
Explanation: "Exceeded the proportion of the preceding age group" is more formal and precise, improving clarity and formality.
"recorded 20%" -> "reached 20%"
Explanation: "Reached" is a more appropriate verb in this context, indicating attainment of a level or percentage, which is more formal than "recorded."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some details that are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of gym goers aged 26 to 45 started at 30%, but the graph shows that it started at around 25%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by focusing on the most important information and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, providing a clear overall progression from the general trends to specific data points. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of mechanical cohesion, particularly in the transitions between sentences. The referencing is not always clear, which can lead to confusion about the subjects being discussed. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of referencing and ensuring that cohesive devices are used more naturally. Organizing paragraphs around a single main idea and ensuring logical connections between them would also strengthen the overall structure. Additionally, varying the use of cohesive devices, rather than relying on a few, can help to create a smoother flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of ideas. The use of terms like "proportion," "age groups," and "percentage" is appropriate for the context. However, there are attempts to use less common vocabulary (e.g., "skyrocketed," "plummeted"), but inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present, such as "the tendency of the generation" and "the following years saw a slight climb." Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "go-up" instead of "increase," which can cause minor confusion but do not significantly impede understanding.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate synonyms and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, minimizing spelling and word formation errors will help improve clarity. Practicing the use of varied sentence structures and incorporating more complex vocabulary can also elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., "the tendency of the generation between 18 to 45 years old" could be more clearly stated as "the tendency of people aged 18 to 45"), these errors do not significantly impede comprehension. The use of various sentence structures is present, but the overall control of grammar and punctuation is inconsistent, leading to some confusion in meaning.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and refining sentence structures. Increasing the variety of complex sentences while ensuring they are error-free will also help. Additionally, clearer transitions and more precise language would improve the overall coherence and clarity of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates the proportion of four age groups who frequently visit the gym from 1984 to 2003.

In general, it is clear from the graph that the tendency of the generations aged between 18 to 45 years and over 65 years shows an upward trend. Moreover, the 46 to 65-year-old age group exhibits a downward trend over the period.

Looking more closely at the graph, one can see that the percentage of gym-goers aged 26 to 45 started at 30%, peaked at 40% in 1989, and then fell considerably to approximately 37% in the following five years, after which it experienced a significant rise to over 50% in 2003. Additionally, the 18 to 25 age group was about 18% in 1984 and skyrocketed to a peak of nearly 65% over the next 19 years.

In 1984, the proportion of the 46 to 65 age group was second at roughly 28%. The following years saw a slight climb to 30% in 1989, but it eventually plummeted to under 20%. The over-65 age group had the lowest proportion at the beginning, with about 5%, followed by a steady increase to over 10% in 1994. The next five years witnessed a slight dip of 7% in this proportion, but it ultimately surpassed the previous age group and recorded 20% in 2003.