fbpx

The internet has changed the way we communicate. Much communication today happens through social media. Some people support this and think it is a positive development. Others believe that social media have negative effects. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The internet has changed the way we communicate. Much communication today happens through social media. Some people support this and think it is a positive development. Others believe that social media have negative effects.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

These days, the Internet has become increasingly common, and it has also altered how we interact. The social media, a type of online communication, makes it easier for everyone to interact. Mixed opinions have been made concerning its effects. In my essay, both of views and personal opinion will be discussed to provide a comprehensible view. To begin with, online interaction is more convenient and much faster. No longer do we have to communicate by letters or spread of words, as now, with a press of a button on social media apps, we can easily connect with people worldwide. Such instant and comfortable means of communication facilitate many aspects of lives. For example, one can interact with their boss remotely through Messengers- an online texting app, without travelling to the company. Or a meaningful family gatherings over long distances can be established through video-calling of Skype, another social media site. All of which have made it much easier to adapt to life's demands.
On the other hand, this choice of communication has also sacrificed our quality time with real-life situations, limiting us from establishing meaningful relationships. This is because we will spend less time with family or social events, leaving ourselves to indulge in superficial or continuous conversations on social medias sites. We would, therefore, get interested in gossip or any news about a celebrity rather than make times to hang out with family members or friends. Furthermore, excessive reliance on social media can result in a sedentary lifestyle. This, in turn, results in physical and mental health issues. Obesity, stroke or depression are some common diseases caused by such a lifestyle. So, online communication is a double-edge sword, bringing its many conveniences but also causing negative consequences for overconcerntration on this.
To sum up, I believe that interaction on the Internet has both positive and negative sides in our lives. Therefore, it is essential to strike a balance between online interaction and offline one to ensure our overall development as well as satisfy our current needs.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "These days, the Internet has become increasingly common, and it has also altered how we interact." -> "In contemporary times, the Internet has become ubiquitous, fundamentally reshaping our modes of interaction."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal and precise phrase like "contemporary times" instead of "these days," and it uses more sophisticated language to convey the idea that the Internet is widespread.

  2. "The social media, a type of online communication, makes it easier for everyone to interact." -> "Social media, a form of online communication, facilitates widespread interaction."
    Explanation: The phrase "the social media" is somewhat informal; by removing the definite article and refining the sentence structure, it becomes more academically appropriate.

  3. "Mixed opinions have been made concerning its effects." -> "Divergent opinions exist regarding its effects."
    Explanation: The phrase "mixed opinions have been made" is colloquial; the suggested alternative uses more formal language while maintaining clarity.

  4. "In my essay, both of views and personal opinion will be discussed to provide a comprehensible view." -> "This essay will examine various perspectives, including my own, to offer a comprehensive analysis."
    Explanation: The phrase "both of views" is not grammatically correct; the revised sentence provides a more accurate and formal expression of the essay’s purpose.

  5. "To begin with, online interaction is more convenient and much faster." -> "Firstly, online interaction is characterized by its convenience and speed."
    Explanation: The phrase "To begin with" is a common but somewhat informal way to introduce a point. The suggested alternative maintains the structure while using a more academic expression.

  6. "No longer do we have to communicate by letters or spread of words…" -> "We are no longer bound to communicate through letters or the dissemination of words…"
    Explanation: The phrase "No longer do we have to" is less formal; the suggested alternative provides a more sophisticated structure while conveying the same meaning.

  7. "…with a press of a button on social media apps, we can easily connect with people worldwide." -> "…with a simple click on social media applications, we can effortlessly connect with individuals globally."
    Explanation: The phrase "press of a button" is informal; the revised sentence maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  8. "Such instant and comfortable means of communication facilitate many aspects of lives." -> "These immediate and convenient communication methods enhance various aspects of our lives."
    Explanation: The phrase "facilitate many aspects of lives" lacks precision; the suggested alternative uses more formal language while specifying "various aspects of our lives."

  9. "Or a meaningful family gatherings over long distances can be established through video-calling of Skype, another social media site." -> "Meaningful family gatherings over long distances can be facilitated through video calls on platforms such as Skype, a prominent social media site."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a grammatical error and lacks clarity. The revised version corrects the structure and specifies the role of Skype as a social media platform.

  10. "leaving ourselves to indulge in superficial or continuous conversations on social medias sites." -> "leading us to engage in superficial or prolonged discussions on social media platforms."
    Explanation: The phrase "leaving ourselves to indulge in" is less formal; the suggested alternative maintains clarity while using a more academic expression.

  11. "We would, therefore, get interested in gossip or any news about a celebrity…" -> "Consequently, our interests may shift towards gossip or news about celebrities…"
    Explanation: The phrase "We would, therefore, get interested in" is somewhat informal; the suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "Furthermore, excessive reliance on social media can result in a sedentary lifestyle." -> "Moreover, an excessive dependence on social media may lead to a sedentary lifestyle."
    Explanation: The word "furthermore" is slightly informal; the alternative "Moreover" is more academically appropriate, and the revised sentence maintains the formal tone.

  13. "This, in turn, results in physical and mental health issues." -> "This, consequently, gives rise to physical and mental health issues."
    Explanation: The phrase "in turn" is replaced with "consequently" for a more formal tone while maintaining the cause-and-effect relationship.

  14. "Obesity, stroke or depression are some common diseases caused by such a lifestyle." -> "Obesity, stroke, and depression are among the common health issues resulting from such a lifestyle."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks parallelism; the suggested alternative introduces parallel structure and uses more formal language.

  15. "So, online communication is a double-edge sword, bringing its many conveniences but also causing negative consequences for overconcerntration on this." -> "Thus, online communication is a double-edged sword, offering numerous conveniences while also precipitating negative consequences due to overemphasis."
    Explanation: The phrase "So" is replaced with "Thus" for a more formal transition, and the wording is adjusted for greater precision and formality.

  16. "To sum up, I believe that interaction on the Internet has both positive and negative sides in our lives." -> "In conclusion, I contend that online interaction manifests both positive and negative aspects in our lives."
    Explanation: The phrase "To sum up" is replaced with "In conclusion" for a more formal ending, and the wording is refined for greater precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of social media communication, as well as presenting the writer’s own opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay does cover both views, providing more depth in the discussion of the positive and negative aspects could enhance the analysis. Ensure that each aspect is explored thoroughly and supported with specific examples.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, expressing both positive and negative views before presenting the writer’s opinion in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: While the stance is clear, the essay could benefit from reinforcing the position with stronger language and more specific examples. Emphasize the writer’s standpoint to enhance clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, develops them with relevant examples, and supports them adequately.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider expanding on the examples provided and providing more detailed explanations to fully develop each point. This will make the essay more persuasive and compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of social media on communication as per the prompt.
    • How to improve: While the essay is mostly focused, there are instances where the discussion could be more tightly connected to the prompt. Ensure that every point made directly relates to the effects of social media on communication to maintain a strong thematic connection.

Overall Comments:

This essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, addressing both positive and negative aspects of social media communication. To improve, consider providing more in-depth analysis and examples for each viewpoint. Strengthen the clarity of your stance by using more assertive language, and ensure that every point made contributes directly to the topic. Additionally, expanding on the presented ideas with detailed explanations and examples will enhance the overall quality of the essay. Strive for a well-balanced discussion to achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information in a logical manner. It begins by introducing the topic, presenting both views, and concludes with a personal opinion. However, there are instances where ideas could be more clearly connected, such as the transition between discussing the positive aspects of online interaction to the negative consequences. For instance, a smoother transition sentence could be added to link the convenience of online communication to its potential drawbacks.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider adding transition sentences or phrases between paragraphs to guide the reader through the flow of ideas. Clearly signal shifts between discussing positive and negative aspects of social media to ensure a seamless progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, presenting distinct ideas in separate paragraphs. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence, providing a roadmap for the reader. However, the second paragraph could benefit from breaking into two smaller paragraphs: one discussing the convenience of online interaction and another addressing its drawbacks. This would create a more balanced and visually appealing structure.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability and emphasize key points. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to a clear and organized structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices reasonably well. There is a mix of transitional words and phrases, such as "To begin with," and "On the other hand," that help guide the reader through different sections of the essay. However, some sentences lack smooth transitions, affecting the overall coherence. For example, the shift from discussing positive aspects to negative consequences could be more seamlessly connected.
    • How to improve: Ensure consistent and effective use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Use transition words and phrases strategically to connect ideas and create a cohesive narrative. Pay particular attention to transitions between contrasting or opposing viewpoints to maintain a smooth flow of the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, improvements in transitions between ideas and paragraphs could enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially elevating the score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, encompassing words such as "comprehensible," "adapt," "sedentary," and "consequences." However, there is room for improvement, particularly in the choice of more sophisticated and contextually appropriate vocabulary. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "social media" could be diversified with synonyms or related terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary diversity, consider incorporating synonyms and expanding the range of word choices. Explore advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, and use them judiciously to convey nuances and depth in expression. For example, instead of frequently using "social media," employ terms like "online platforms," "digital networks," or "virtual communication channels."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, phrases like "mixed opinions have been made" could be refined for clarity. Additionally, the term "overconcerntration" is not standard English and impacts precision.
    • How to improve: Focus on precision by refining expressions for clarity. Instead of "mixed opinions have been made," consider "varied perspectives have been expressed." Replace "overconcerntration" with "excessive focus" to ensure accuracy. Precision in language will strengthen the overall impact of your ideas and arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling issues, such as "comprehensible" instead of "comprehensive," "concerntration" instead of "concentration," and minor spacing errors like "online texting" without a hyphen.
    • How to improve: Regularly proofread your work to catch and correct spelling errors. Utilize tools like spell-check and pay close attention to spacing and punctuation. For example, in "online texting," ensure consistency with a hyphen, making it "online-texting." Familiarize yourself with the correct spelling of words, and consider seeking feedback from others to identify and rectify spelling concerns.

Overall, while the essay displays a competent level of lexical resource, refining vocabulary diversity, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished writing style.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple and complex structures are used, including compound sentences and some variety in sentence length. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further. For instance, more complex compound-complex sentences or varied clause structures could be incorporated to enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with multiple clauses to add depth to your arguments. Vary sentence length strategically to create a more engaging and dynamic flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the clarity of expression. For example, the phrase "Mixed opinions have been made concerning its effects" could be revised for smoother expression. Additionally, some sentences could benefit from more precise grammar usage.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to sentence construction to avoid awkward phrasing. Review the usage of prepositions, articles, and verb forms for accuracy. Consider revising sentences for clarity, ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed without ambiguity. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy before finalizing the essay is essential.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy for even greater precision and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, the Internet has become ubiquitous, fundamentally reshaping our modes of interaction. Social media, a form of online communication, facilitates widespread interaction. Divergent opinions exist regarding its effects. This essay will examine various perspectives, including my own, to offer a comprehensive analysis.

Firstly, online interaction is characterized by its convenience and speed. We are no longer bound to communicate through letters or the dissemination of words. Instead, with a simple click on social media applications, we can effortlessly connect with individuals globally. These immediate and convenient communication methods enhance various aspects of our lives. Meaningful family gatherings over long distances can be facilitated through video calls on platforms such as Skype, a prominent social media site.

However, this convenience has a downside, leading us to engage in superficial or prolonged discussions on social media platforms. Consequently, our interests may shift towards gossip or news about celebrities, sacrificing our quality time with real-life situations and limiting meaningful relationships. Moreover, an excessive dependence on social media may lead to a sedentary lifestyle, giving rise to physical and mental health issues. Obesity, stroke, and depression are among the common health issues resulting from such a lifestyle. Thus, online communication is a double-edged sword, offering numerous conveniences while also precipitating negative consequences due to overemphasis.

In conclusion, I contend that online interaction manifests both positive and negative aspects in our lives. The Internet has indeed changed the way we communicate, and social media plays a pivotal role in this transformation. It is crucial to strike a balance between online and offline interaction to ensure overall development and meet our current needs.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *