The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Some scientific fields indeed focus on improving human life, but there are various other fields whose priority is not human. Even there are some regrets in focusing on making people’s lives more convenient. Therefore, I do not entirely agree with the statement that the most crucial aim of science should be to improve people’s lives.
The diversity of scientific fields is because science aims to discover and understand the world, including all kinds of creatures, as non-living things. Therefore, the scientific fields have different focuses on whether they bring any benefit to improving people’s lives. For instance, while medicine and psychology contribute to human health, zoology focuses on understanding animals and improving their health, and ecology aims to research the living creatures' habitat and conserve their habitat from human impact. Zoology and ecology are two of many biological brands seeking to discover and protect other creatures’ lives instead of people’s. Moreover, numerous published science papers in the brands warned about how humans negatively affect other species’ lives; thus, they suggested we must prevent people’s harmful actions. It’s even true from my own experience as a grad student who conducts research in amphibians. The research is about valuing human impact on the ecosystem of frogs in a forest, where I spent months calculating and collecting data. At that time, my research efforts were protecting amphibians’ habitat rather than people’s.
There are some regrets when people use science to make their lives more convenient. For example, nylon, one of the biggest scientific inventions of the 20th century, is the most popular material used for bags or containers. They could be seen in every supermarket or shopping store. However, the downside of using ni-lon bags is that the giant amount of nylon trash is unable to be treated because the material takes thousands of years to decompose. The trash causes pollution in the water and air. Worse still, the amount of nylon trash in the water environment could harm marine animal’s lives.
For the above reasons, I believe that people’s lives are not science's only most crucial goal.
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Errors and Improvements:
"Even there are some regrets in focusing on making people’s lives more convenient." -> "However, there are reservations about prioritizing the enhancement of human convenience."
Explanation: The original sentence contains an informal expression "even there are," which can be refined to "however." Additionally, the phrase "some regrets" is replaced with "reservations" for a more formal and nuanced tone.
"The diversity of scientific fields is because science aims to discover and understand the world, including all kinds of creatures, as non-living things." -> "The diversity of scientific disciplines arises from the overarching goal of science to explore and comprehend the world, encompassing both living organisms and inanimate entities."
Explanation: The original sentence is rephrased for clarity and formality. The phrase "is because" is replaced with "arises from," and "creatures, as non-living things" is revised to "living organisms and inanimate entities" for precision and academic tone.
"For instance, while medicine and psychology contribute to human health, zoology focuses on understanding animals and improving their health, and ecology aims to research the living creatures’ habitat and conserve their habitat from human impact." -> "For example, while medicine and psychology contribute to human health, zoology centers on understanding animals and enhancing their well-being. Ecology, in turn, investigates the habitats of living organisms and strives to conserve them, mitigating human-induced impacts."
Explanation: The sentence is refined to eliminate redundancy and improve coherence. The phrase "improving their health" is used for zoology to maintain parallelism with "enhancing their well-being" in the same sentence.
"Moreover, numerous published science papers in the brands warned about how humans negatively affect other species’ lives; thus, they suggested we must prevent people’s harmful actions." -> "Furthermore, numerous scientific papers within these disciplines caution against the adverse impact of human activities on other species, advocating preventive measures to mitigate harm."
Explanation: The term "brands" is replaced with "disciplines," and the sentence is restructured for clarity. Additionally, the word "warned" is substituted with "caution" for a more formal tone.
"It’s even true from my own experience as a grad student who conducts research in amphibians." -> "This holds true, based on my personal experience as a graduate student conducting research on amphibians."
Explanation: The contraction "It’s" is expanded to "This holds," and "grad student" is replaced with "graduate student" for a more formal and academic expression.
"The research is about valuing human impact on the ecosystem of frogs in a forest, where I spent months calculating and collecting data." -> "The research focuses on assessing the human impact on the ecosystem of frogs in a forest, a project that involved months of data calculation and collection."
Explanation: The phrase "valuing human impact" is revised to "assessing the human impact," and the sentence is rephrased for clarity and precision.
"However, the downside of using ni-lon bags is that the giant amount of nylon trash is unable to be treated because the material takes thousands of years to decompose." -> "Nevertheless, the drawback of employing nylon bags lies in the considerable volume of non-biodegradable nylon waste, posing treatment challenges due to its thousands of years of decomposition time."
Explanation: The term "ni-lon" is corrected to "nylon," and the sentence is refined for clarity and formality. The phrase "giant amount" is replaced with "considerable volume," and "is unable to be treated" is modified to "posing treatment challenges" for precision and academic tone.
"Worse still, the amount of nylon trash in the water environment could harm marine animal’s lives." -> "Furthermore, the presence of nylon waste in aquatic environments has the potential to adversely impact marine life."
Explanation: The phrase "Worse still" is replaced with "Furthermore" for a smoother transition. The term "amount of nylon trash" is modified to "presence of nylon waste," and "marine animal’s lives" is adjusted to "marine life" for clarity and conciseness.
"For the above reasons, I believe that people’s lives are not science’s only most crucial goal." -> "For the reasons stated above, I contend that enhancing human lives is not the sole paramount objective of science."
Explanation: The phrase "For the above reasons" is revised to "For the reasons stated above," and the sentence is rephrased for a more formal and precise expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the various aspects of the prompt, discussing the diversity of scientific fields and their different focuses. It provides relevant examples, such as medicine, psychology, zoology, and ecology. The mention of the personal experience as a grad student conducting research adds depth to the response.
- How to improve: While the essay does address different aspects, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the importance of improving human lives in certain scientific fields. Emphasizing the balance between understanding the world and directly benefiting humanity would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that disagrees with the statement, asserting that improving people’s lives is not the sole and most crucial goal of science. The position is consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This will reinforce the overall stance and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and develops ideas effectively, providing examples from various scientific fields. The personal experience as a grad student conducting research on amphibians adds a practical dimension to the argument. Ideas are supported with relevant details.
- How to improve: While the examples are insightful, consider further elaboration on the drawbacks of science focusing on non-human aspects. Providing more depth in the analysis would strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, exploring the diverse aims of scientific fields. However, there is a slight deviation in the second paragraph when discussing regrets about making people’s lives more convenient. While relevant, it could be more tightly connected to the main theme.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each example and argument directly ties back to the central idea of whether improving human lives is the most important aim of science. Connect the discussion of regrets more explicitly to the overall argument.
In summary, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintains a clear position, presents and supports ideas well, with minor suggestions for improvement in terms of clarity and focus.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization of information. The introduction establishes the writer’s stance, and subsequent paragraphs develop the argument coherently. There is a clear progression of ideas from the diversity of scientific fields to the drawbacks of science in improving human lives. The use of examples, such as the mention of zoology and ecology, supports the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a brief roadmap of the essay in the introduction. This will give readers a clearer understanding of the essay’s structure. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs by using linking words or phrases.
- Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph contains a central idea, and the writer successfully explores various aspects of the topic within these sections.
- How to improve: While the essay has effective paragraphing, there is room to improve the coherence between paragraphs. Ensure that the last sentence of each paragraph logically connects to the first sentence of the next, creating a seamless flow of ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transitional words and phrases, to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. For instance, the use of phrases like "For instance" and "Moreover" helps guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a mix of conjunctions, pronouns, and adverbs. This will add variety to sentence structures and strengthen the overall cohesiveness of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used serves a clear purpose in advancing the argument.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, small adjustments in providing a clearer essay structure, improving the transition between paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices can contribute to an even more effective presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonably broad vocabulary, incorporating terms related to scientific fields (medicine, psychology, zoology, ecology) and highlighting the diversity of scientific pursuits. Specific phrases such as "conserving their habitat," "valuing human impact," and "prevent people’s harmful actions" demonstrate nuanced vocabulary use.
- How to improve: To enhance the range further, consider integrating more varied synonyms or alternate expressions. Expanding the vocabulary pertaining to scientific advancements beyond the ecological aspect could enrich the depth of analysis. For instance, discussing technological innovations or advancements in other scientific disciplines beyond ecology could enhance lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively; however, there are instances where terminology could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "other creatures" might benefit from specificity, replacing it with terms like "fauna" or "wildlife" to refine the description. Also, instead of using "scientific inventions" broadly, specifying them as "technological breakthroughs" or "innovations" might enhance precision.
- How to improve: Focus on using specific vocabulary where general terms are used. Delve deeper into the specialized terminology related to scientific endeavors and their impacts to add precision. In particular, highlighting the distinct contributions of various scientific disciplines would elevate the precision of the essay.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. There are minor issues such as "ni-lon" instead of "nylon" and slight errors in punctuation, but overall, spelling is coherent and clear.
- How to improve: Proofreading and revising for spelling accuracy and minor errors would enhance the overall polish of the essay. Review specific scientific terms and ensure their correct spelling and usage throughout the text. Employing tools like spell-checkers or seeking feedback for proofreading could help in refining spelling accuracy.
Overall, the essay showcases a decent grasp of vocabulary related to scientific discourse and its diverse focuses. To improve further, aim for more precise vocabulary usage and delve into a broader range of scientific disciplines to strengthen the lexical richness. Additionally, meticulous proofreading to rectify minor spelling and punctuation errors would add finesse to the presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence length, but there is room for improvement in utilizing a more diverse range of sentence structures. The use of compound and complex sentences is apparent, yet some sentences tend to be overly complex, impacting clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s effectiveness, consider incorporating a more balanced mix of sentence structures. While maintaining complexity, ensure that sentences are clear and concise. Avoid overly convoluted structures that may hinder readability. Introduce varied sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences, to add depth and sophistication to the writing.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally accurate grammar usage, with few instances of grammatical errors. However, there are a few areas where subject-verb agreement and sentence structure could be refined for improved clarity. For example, the sentence "Even there are some regrets in focusing on making people’s lives more convenient" could benefit from rephrasing for better grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: Focus on fine-tuning subject-verb agreement and sentence construction. Review sentences to ensure they are grammatically sound, and consider seeking clarification when in doubt about correct grammar usage. In particular, pay attention to the proper placement of adverbs and conjunctions to enhance coherence.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly throughout the essay. However, there are instances where commas could be better placed to improve the flow of sentences. For example, the sentence "It’s even true from my own experience as a grad student who conducts research in amphibians" could benefit from a comma after "true" for improved clarity.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the placement of commas, ensuring they are used to clarify meaning and aid in the natural flow of ideas. Consider reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in compound and complex sentences. Practice incorporating commas appropriately to enhance overall punctuation accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
While certain scientific disciplines prioritize human well-being, it’s evident that science encompasses a broader spectrum beyond solely enhancing human lives, leading me to partially disagree with the assertion that science’s primary aim should be people-centric.
The diverse landscape of scientific disciplines stems from science’s overarching objective: to comprehend and explore the world, encompassing both living organisms and inanimate entities. While fields like medicine and psychology undeniably contribute to human health, others, such as zoology and ecology, delve into understanding and safeguarding the well-being of animals and their habitats. This multifaceted approach to science exemplifies its broader scope beyond human-centric benefits. Notably, research within these disciplines consistently highlights the detrimental impact of human activities on other species, advocating proactive measures to mitigate harm, a sentiment echoed in my own experience as a graduate student conducting extensive research on amphibians.
In my study, which centered on evaluating human influence on the forest ecosystem and specifically on frogs, my focus lay in preserving the habitat and balance of amphibians, rather than exclusively prioritizing human interests. This mirrors the broader objective of science, which extends beyond immediate human benefits.
Moreover, while science has brought about advancements that enhance human convenience, such as nylon-based products, these innovations also carry drawbacks. For instance, nylon’s extensive non-biodegradable waste poses significant challenges for disposal, contributing to environmental pollution that adversely affects both terrestrial and aquatic ecosystems. The abundance of nylon waste in water bodies poses a direct threat to marine life, emphasizing the unintended negative consequences of solely prioritizing human convenience through scientific innovations.
Hence, while improving human lives is undoubtedly a crucial facet of science, its paramount objective should encompass a broader spectrum, including the preservation and understanding of diverse life forms and their habitats. This nuanced approach ensures a holistic pursuit of knowledge that extends beyond immediate human-centric gains, aligning with the core essence of scientific inquiry and responsibility towards the world at large.