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The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

Recent decades have witnessed more and more people are prone to severe health problems This essay will discuss the main problems associated with this issue and propose some workable remedies
Notably, there are a number of intrinsic rationales , which trigger overweight is rising. The main reason is that they have a sedentary lifestyle that can lead to many health problems. Indubitably, people who are not energy or active in day life, proportionally, which can potentially rarely do any exercise or take part in outdoors activities, resultantly, promoting many health problems.Another cause is that they could not have a healthy diet .
The people who consume too much fast food or drink gas, thus, they are likely have severe health problems such as obesity , diabete or blood pressure, consequently affecting harmful their life .
Since the phenomenon can culminate in severe and wide ranging problems for society, the government and individuals should take steps to curb them.The first efficacious solution is that the authority presumably raises awareness and education in healthy lifestyles for everyone . Undeniably, when people are conscious about their health, they probably do exercise and take part in more physical activities, As a result, they could curtail the of health issues. The second efficacious approach is that the government should ban unhealthy products to consumers
In conclusion, while overweight can lead to some risk of severe health problems, the government and individuals can embrace address the challenges by virtue of the aforementioned remedies


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Recent decades have witnessed more and more people are prone to severe health problems."
    -> "In recent decades, an increasing number of individuals have become susceptible to severe health problems."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal structure and vocabulary, providing a clearer expression of the idea.

  2. "Notably, there are a number of intrinsic rationales, which trigger overweight is rising."
    -> "Notably, there are several intrinsic factors contributing to the rising prevalence of overweight."
    Explanation: The suggested change improves the sentence’s clarity and replaces the informal term "rationales" with "factors" for a more academic tone.

  3. "Indubitably, people who are not energy or active in day life, proportionally, which can potentially rarely do any exercise or take part in outdoors activities, resultantly, promoting many health problems."
    -> "Undoubtedly, individuals who lead a sedentary lifestyle are less likely to engage in regular exercise or outdoor activities, potentially contributing to a range of health problems."
    Explanation: The revision eliminates redundancies, corrects the use of "not energy" to "not energetic," and enhances the overall formality and precision of expression.

  4. "Another cause is that they could not have a healthy diet."
    -> "Another contributing factor is the lack of a healthy diet."
    Explanation: The alternative phrasing is more concise and academically appropriate, avoiding the informal use of "could not have."

  5. "The people who consume too much fast food or drink gas, thus, they are likely to have severe health problems such as obesity, diabetes, or blood pressure, consequently affecting harmful their life."
    -> "Individuals who excessively consume fast food or sugary beverages are likely to experience severe health problems, including obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure, thereby negatively impacting their overall well-being."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more formal and precise description, replacing "drink gas" with "sugary beverages" and improving the overall flow and coherence.

  6. "Since the phenomenon can culminate in severe and wide-ranging problems for society, the government and individuals should take steps to curb them."
    -> "Given that this phenomenon can lead to severe and widespread societal problems, both the government and individuals should take measures to address it."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing "culminate in" with "lead to," and "curb them" with "address it" for greater clarity.

  7. "The first efficacious solution is that the authority presumably raises awareness and education in healthy lifestyles for everyone."
    -> "An effective initial solution would involve the authorities promoting awareness and education on healthy lifestyles for the general populace."
    Explanation: The alternative phrasing maintains formality, replaces "presumably" with "would involve," and enhances clarity and precision.

  8. "Undeniably, when people are conscious about their health, they probably do exercise and take part in more physical activities, As a result, they could curtail the of health issues."
    -> "Undeniably, heightened health consciousness among individuals is likely to lead to increased engagement in exercise and physical activities, thereby reducing the prevalence of health issues."
    Explanation: The revision improves clarity, replaces "probably" with "likely," and ensures a more formal and academic expression.

  9. "The second efficacious approach is that the government should ban unhealthy products to consumers."
    -> "The second effective approach involves the government imposing bans on unhealthy products available to consumers."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone, replaces "efficacious" with "effective," and provides a more precise description of the government’s role.

  10. "In conclusion, while overweight can lead to some risk of severe health problems, the government and individuals can embrace address the challenges by virtue of the aforementioned remedies."
    -> "In conclusion, although being overweight poses a risk of severe health problems, addressing these challenges requires the collective efforts of both the government and individuals through the aforementioned remedies."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality, clarifies the connection between overweight and health problems, and provides a more structured conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does address both parts of the question but lacks specificity and depth. It briefly mentions the reasons for the increase in overweight individuals (sedentary lifestyle, unhealthy diet) and proposes solutions (raising awareness, banning unhealthy products). However, there is a lack of elaboration and analysis on these points.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. For instance, instead of simply stating a sedentary lifestyle leads to health problems, the essay could delve into specific aspects such as the impact of desk jobs or excessive screen time.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by acknowledging the problem of overweight individuals and proposing two solutions. However, the expression and development of these ideas lack depth and clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer should expand on the proposed solutions. Explain in more detail how raising awareness and banning unhealthy products can effectively address the issue. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between ideas to maintain coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks extension and support. For example, it mentions a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diet as causes without providing concrete examples or evidence. Similarly, the proposed solutions lack sufficient elaboration.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to support each point. This will not only strengthen the argument but also make the essay more persuasive and informative.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but includes some vague statements and repetitive language. The writer could have delved deeper into the causes and solutions instead of using general phrases.
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, avoid unnecessary repetition and expand on each point. Instead of broadly stating that a sedentary lifestyle leads to health problems, provide specific examples or data. This will make the essay more informative and directly relevant to the topic.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the main points of the prompt, it falls short in providing detailed and well-supported explanations. To improve, the writer should focus on expanding ideas, providing specific examples, and ensuring clarity and coherence in presenting arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay has a basic organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. The introduction briefly mentions the issue but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs discuss causes and solutions, but the transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argument easily. For instance, the shift from discussing causes to proposing solutions could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points. Develop a more cohesive flow between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but there are issues with structure and coherence. Some paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence, making it difficult to identify the main idea. Additionally, there is a tendency to merge distinct ideas within a single paragraph, contributing to a lack of clarity and organization.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single point or idea, avoiding the blending of disparate concepts within one paragraph. This will help create a more organized and reader-friendly essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but there is room for improvement. There is a lack of variety in connecting ideas, resulting in a repetitive use of phrases like "efficacious solution" and "severe health problems." Additionally, the transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence. Instead of relying on a limited set of phrases, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively. Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are explicit, guiding the reader through the logical progression of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the prompt and contains some coherent elements, there is a need for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices to elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some words and phrases are appropriately used, there is a lack of diversity in vocabulary. For instance, terms like "efficacious solution" and "intrinsic rationales" add variety, but the essay could benefit from more nuanced expressions and synonyms.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate synonyms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "efficacious," explore alternatives like "effective" or "successful." Additionally, introducing domain-specific vocabulary related to health and lifestyle would elevate the lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally struggles with precision in vocabulary use. For instance, the phrase "consume too much fast food or drink gas" lacks precision, as "drink gas" is unclear. Additionally, there is imprecise use of terms like "efficacious," where a simpler term like "effective" would be more suitable.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity by using precise and accurate terms. Instead of "drink gas," specify the unhealthy beverages consumed. Replace overly complex terms with simpler alternatives where possible to ensure clarity. For example, substitute "efficacious" with "effective" to convey the intended meaning more straightforwardly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "diabete" (diabetes) and "undoubtedly" misspelled as "undeniably." These errors can hinder the overall readability and impact the coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools, and consider seeking feedback from others to catch errors that may be overlooked. Developing a habit of reviewing and revising written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay displays a reasonable command of language, addressing the highlighted areas for improvement can elevate the lexical resource, contributing to a more sophisticated and precise expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a limited range of sentence structures. Simple sentences dominate, and there is a lack of complex structures or varied sentence lengths. For instance, the essay consistently starts with simple sentences, which may affect the overall flow and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Introduce subordinate clauses, use different sentence beginnings, and vary the lengths to create a more engaging and polished piece. For example, the writer can experiment with incorporating complex sentences to convey ideas more comprehensively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and inaccuracies, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("decades have witnessed more and more people are prone"), awkward phrasing ("they have a sedentary lifestyle that can lead to many health problems"), and punctuation errors ("Undeniably, when people are conscious about their health, they probably do exercise and take part in more physical activities, As a result, they could curtail the of health issues").
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully review and revise sentence structures. Attention to subject-verb agreement, proper phrasing, and consistent use of punctuation is crucial. Proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and rectify these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammatical concerns can be beneficial for improvement.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents some relevant ideas, improvement in grammatical range and accuracy is essential for achieving a higher band score. Implementing a more diverse array of sentence structures and ensuring grammatical precision will elevate the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, an increasing number of individuals have become susceptible to severe health problems. Notably, there are several intrinsic factors contributing to the rising prevalence of overweight. Undoubtedly, individuals who lead a sedentary lifestyle are less likely to engage in regular exercise or outdoor activities, potentially contributing to a range of health problems. Another contributing factor is the lack of a healthy diet. Individuals who excessively consume fast food or sugary beverages are likely to experience severe health problems, including obesity, diabetes, and high blood pressure, thereby negatively impacting their overall well-being.

Given that this phenomenon can lead to severe and widespread societal problems, both the government and individuals should take measures to address it. An effective initial solution would involve the authorities promoting awareness and education on healthy lifestyles for the general populace. Undeniably, heightened health consciousness among individuals is likely to lead to increased engagement in exercise and physical activities, thereby reducing the prevalence of health issues. The second effective approach involves the government imposing bans on unhealthy products available to consumers.

In conclusion, although being overweight poses a risk of severe health problems, addressing these challenges requires the collective efforts of both the government and individuals through the aforementioned remedies.

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