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The rise in childhood obesity due to poor dietary habits and lack of physical activity.

The rise in childhood obesity due to poor dietary habits and lack of physical activity.

Over the past decade, human life has significantly improved due to they have found many ways to assist their life easier. Alongside with positive effects, there are still some drawbacks such as cyperbullying, pollution and one of which is the rise of obesity among the children. Excercising is an crucial in adressing the rise of obedity of children.
Obesity is a serve problem over the past years. With the technology's improvement, adolescents are usually stuck theirs eyes on devices such as phone computer, which led to lack of physical activities. Not only teenager depends on technology, their diet is also another reason for this problem due to negative habits such as consuming unhealthy foods, spending most of their time online.
Nevertheless there are a feasible solution to this problem is for the gorvernment to implement health programs for the young. For example, the health programs can replace cheaps television shows, so adolescents can focus on exercise without distraction. In addition, while excercising with family or friends, people can record it pose the video online can create a trend, for others could change their unhealthy life style.
Overall, exercising is an effetive solution to combat against the rise of obisity, for replace un-healthy movies to health programs and pose workout videos to attract others to follow this healthy life style.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "human life has significantly improved" -> "human life has significantly improved"
    Explanation: The phrase "has significantly improved" is grammatically correct and maintains the formal tone of academic writing.

  2. "they have found many ways to assist their life easier" -> "they have developed various methods to simplify their lives"
    Explanation: "developed various methods" is more precise and formal than "found many ways," and "simplify their lives" is grammatically correct and more appropriate than "assist their life easier."

  3. "Alongside with positive effects, there are still some drawbacks such as cyperbullying, pollution and one of which is the rise of obesity among the children." -> "Alongside these positive effects, there are also several drawbacks, including cyberbullying, pollution, and the rising obesity among children."
    Explanation: "Alongside these positive effects" corrects the awkward phrasing, and "including" is more formal than "such as." Additionally, "the rising obesity" is grammatically correct and more precise than "the rise of obesity."

  4. "Excercising is an crucial in adressing the rise of obedity of children." -> "Exercise is crucial in addressing the rise of obesity among children."
    Explanation: "Exercise" is the correct noun form, and "crucial in addressing" is grammatically correct. "Among children" is more precise than "of children."

  5. "serve problem" -> "serious problem"
    Explanation: "Serious" is the correct adjective to describe a significant issue, replacing the incorrect "serve."

  6. "With the technology’s improvement" -> "With the improvement in technology"
    Explanation: "In technology" is more grammatically correct and clearer than "technology’s improvement."

  7. "adolescents are usually stuck theirs eyes on devices" -> "adolescents are often glued to their devices"
    Explanation: "Glued to" is a more common idiomatic expression in formal writing than "stuck theirs eyes on," which is incorrect and informal.

  8. "Not only teenager depends on technology, their diet is also another reason for this problem" -> "Not only do teenagers rely on technology, but their diet is also another factor contributing to this problem"
    Explanation: "Do teenagers rely on technology" corrects the subject-verb agreement, and "factor contributing" is more formal than "reason for."

  9. "negative habits such as consuming unhealthy foods, spending most of their time online" -> "unhealthy habits such as consuming unhealthy foods and spending excessive time online"
    Explanation: "Excessive time" is more precise than "most of their time," and "and" is used correctly to separate items in a list.

  10. "a feasible solution to this problem is for the gorvernment to implement health programs" -> "a feasible solution to this problem is for the government to implement health programs"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "government" and maintains formal tone.

  11. "replace cheaps television shows" -> "replace cheap television shows"
    Explanation: "Cheap" is the correct adjective form, and "television shows" should not be hyphenated.

  12. "pose the video online can create a trend" -> "posting videos online can create a trend"
    Explanation: "Posting" is the correct verb form, and "videos" should not be hyphenated.

  13. "for others could change their unhealthy life style" -> "for others to change their unhealthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: "To change" corrects the grammatical structure, and "lifestyle" is the correct noun form.

  14. "for replace un-healthy movies to health programs" -> "to replace unhealthy movies with health programs"
    Explanation: "To replace" corrects the preposition, and "with" is the correct conjunction for comparison.

  15. "pose workout videos to attract others to follow this healthy life style" -> "posting workout videos to encourage others to adopt this healthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Posting" corrects the verb form, and "encourage" is more formal than "attract," and "adopt" is more precise than "follow" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the rise in childhood obesity due to poor dietary habits and lack of physical activity. However, it does not fully explore both aspects of the issue. While it mentions the lack of physical activity and briefly touches on unhealthy diets, the discussion is superficial and lacks depth. For instance, the essay states that "their diet is also another reason for this problem," but does not elaborate on specific dietary habits contributing to obesity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly address both causes of childhood obesity—poor dietary habits and lack of physical activity. This could involve providing specific examples of unhealthy foods commonly consumed by children and discussing how these contribute to obesity. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of how physical activity is being replaced by sedentary behaviors.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that exercising is a solution to childhood obesity; however, the clarity of this position is undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, the phrase "there are a feasible solution to this problem is for the gorvernment to implement health programs" is confusing and detracts from the overall argument. The position is somewhat lost amid the grammatical issues and lack of coherence.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should focus on crafting clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis. Additionally, revising sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy will help strengthen the overall argument and make the position more evident.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to combating childhood obesity, such as implementing health programs and encouraging exercise through social media. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with examples or evidence. For instance, the suggestion to replace television shows with health programs lacks detail on how this would be implemented or its potential effectiveness.
    • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, discussing specific types of health programs that could be implemented and providing statistics or studies that support the effectiveness of exercise in reducing obesity would strengthen the argument. Additionally, using real-life examples or case studies could enhance the persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic of childhood obesity, particularly in the introduction where it mentions issues like cyberbullying and pollution without clearly linking them to the prompt. This distracts from the central focus and may confuse the reader about the essay’s purpose.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to childhood obesity. It would be beneficial to outline the essay before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to answering the prompt. Additionally, the introduction should be more focused on the specific issue of obesity rather than introducing unrelated topics.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on addressing all parts of the prompt in depth, maintaining a clear and consistent position, providing well-supported ideas, and staying on topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a somewhat logical order, but there are significant issues with clarity and coherence. For instance, the introduction mentions various societal problems but fails to clearly connect them to the main topic of childhood obesity. The transition from discussing technology’s impact on physical activity to dietary habits is abrupt and lacks a clear link, which can confuse readers. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates points without synthesizing the information effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should follow a clearer structure. Start with a strong thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that supports the thesis, with logical transitions between them. For example, the first paragraph could focus solely on the causes of obesity, while the second could discuss potential solutions, ensuring that each section builds on the previous one.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are poorly structured and lack clear topic sentences. The first paragraph mixes multiple ideas (the rise of obesity, technology, and other societal issues) without a clear focus. The second paragraph introduces solutions but does so in a way that feels disjointed from the previous content. The lack of clear paragraphing makes it difficult for readers to follow the argument.
    • How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For instance, the first paragraph could start with a sentence like, "The rise in childhood obesity is largely attributed to poor dietary habits and a sedentary lifestyle." Following this, each supporting sentence should relate directly to the topic sentence. Additionally, consider using separate paragraphs for causes and solutions to create a more organized structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" and "in addition," but they are often misused or insufficiently varied. The transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, making it hard for readers to follow the argument. For example, the phrase "Nevertheless there are a feasible solution" lacks clarity and proper grammatical structure, which detracts from the overall cohesiveness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. For example, using transitions such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," and "Consequently" can help clarify relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are grammatically correct and appropriately placed will enhance the overall flow of the essay.

In summary, to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on organizing information logically, using clear and effective paragraphing, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices. By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "cyberbullying," "pollution," and "adolescents." However, the range is limited and often repetitive. For instance, the term "obesity" is used multiple times without synonyms or related terms to enhance the richness of the vocabulary. Additionally, phrases like "assist their life easier" are awkward and lack precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "obesity," they could use terms like "overweight," "excess body weight," or "unhealthy weight gain." Moreover, varying sentence structures and using idiomatic expressions could also contribute to a more engaging vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, "assist their life easier" is awkwardly phrased and should be simplified to "make their lives easier." Additionally, the phrase "excercising is an crucial" contains a grammatical error and lacks clarity. The use of "serve problem" instead of "serious problem" is another example of imprecise vocabulary.
    • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing and revising phrases for clarity. For example, "exercise is crucial" would be a more precise and grammatically correct expression. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that focus on collocations and context-specific terms can also help improve precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Excercising" (should be "Exercising"), "adress" (should be "address"), "obedity" (should be "obesity"), "serve" (should be "serious"), "gorvernment" (should be "government"), "cheaps" (should be "cheap"), "effetive" (should be "effective"), and "un-healthy" (should be "unhealthy"). These errors significantly impact the readability and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through targeted exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, significant improvements are needed in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "Obesity is a serve problem over the past years" and "Not only teenager depends on technology" showcase basic sentence forms. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "For example, the health programs can replace cheaps television shows," but these are often flawed or awkwardly constructed. The use of conjunctions is present, but the overall complexity is limited, which affects the essay’s fluency and coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as those using relative clauses (e.g., "which can lead to…") or conditional clauses (e.g., "If children engage in more physical activity, they will…"). Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using a mix of declarative, interrogative, and imperative sentences can add depth to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "they have found many ways to assist their life easier" is awkward and incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity. The phrase "Excercising is an crucial in adressing" contains both a spelling error ("Excercising" should be "Exercising") and a grammatical error (it should be "an essential part of addressing"). Additionally, punctuation is often missing or misused, such as in "spending most of their time online," which could benefit from a clearer structure to separate ideas.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common grammatical rules, such as subject-verb agreement (e.g., "Not only teenagers depend on technology"), and ensure correct article usage (e.g., "an essential part" instead of "an crucial"). Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading for spelling and punctuation errors before submission can significantly enhance accuracy. Utilizing grammar-checking tools could also help identify and correct mistakes.

In summary, while the essay presents relevant ideas, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will be crucial for the writer’s development.

Bài sửa mẫu

Over the past decade, human life has significantly improved as they have developed various methods to simplify their lives. Alongside these positive effects, there are also several drawbacks, including cyberbullying, pollution, and one of the most concerning issues is the rise of obesity among children. Exercise is crucial in addressing the rise of obesity among children.

Obesity has become a serious problem in recent years. With the improvement in technology, adolescents are often glued to their devices, such as phones and computers, which has led to a lack of physical activity. Not only do teenagers rely on technology, but their diet is also another factor contributing to this problem due to unhealthy habits such as consuming unhealthy foods and spending excessive time online.

Nevertheless, a feasible solution to this problem is for the government to implement health programs for the youth. For example, these health programs can replace cheap television shows, allowing adolescents to focus on exercise without distractions. In addition, while exercising with family or friends, people can record their activities and post the videos online, which can create a trend for others to change their unhealthy lifestyles.

Overall, exercise is an effective solution to combat the rise of obesity. By replacing unhealthy movies with health programs and posting workout videos, we can encourage others to adopt a healthier lifestyle.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects…

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