The table below shows the in which sector of the economy different age groups were employed. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, making comparisons where relevant

This table shows how 18-25 year-olds, 25-40 year-olds and 40- 65 years-olds were employed in nine sectors of the economy. Overall, Manufacturing was the most popular form of employment at an average of around 17% and accountancy and law the least popular at approximately 3% and 4% respectively. There was only minor variation between local government health agriculture and catering all of which averaged around 13% and then came at 7% and at 6%.

If we compare the different age groups we see that Retail was by far the most common occupation among 18-25 year-olds at 23%, exactly the same figure for manufacturing among the oldest age group. By contrast, in the 25-40 group manufacturing and health at 15% were only slightly more common than local government and education at 12%. It is also notable that there was little or no difference in the popularity of the legal and accountancy professions across the age range. The final point to note is that only 9% of the 40-65 year-old group were not employed in the nine named sectors while this figure was around 20% for the other two groups.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"This table shows" -> "This table illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "shows," which can be too general for formal writing.
"employed in nine sectors of the economy" -> "engaged in nine economic sectors"
Explanation: "Engaged in" is more specific and formal than "employed in," which is more commonly used in employment contexts rather than economic sectors.
"at an average of around 17%" -> "averaging approximately 17%"
Explanation: "Averaging approximately" is more precise and formal than "at an average of around," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"accountancy and law the least popular" -> "accountancy and law, the least popular"
Explanation: Adding a comma after "law" corrects the grammatical structure and improves readability.
"There was only minor variation" -> "There was minimal variation"
Explanation: "Minimal" is a more precise term than "minor," which can be vague and less formal in academic contexts.
"all of which averaged around 13%" -> "each of which averaged approximately 13%"
Explanation: "Each of which" is more specific and formal than "all of which," and "approximately" is preferred over "around" for academic writing.
"then came at 7% and at 6%" -> "followed by 7% and 6%"
Explanation: "Followed by" is a more formal and precise way to indicate sequence in academic writing compared to "then came at."
"If we compare the different age groups" -> "Comparing the different age groups"
Explanation: "Comparing" is more concise and formal than "If we compare," which is more conversational.
"by far the most common occupation" -> "the most prevalent occupation"
Explanation: "Prevalent" is more formal and academically appropriate than "most common," which can sound too informal.
"exactly the same figure for manufacturing among the oldest age group" -> "equivalent figures for manufacturing among the oldest age group"
Explanation: "Equivalent figures" is more precise and formal than "exactly the same figure," which can be redundant.
"only slightly more common than" -> "marginally more prevalent than"
Explanation: "Marginally more prevalent" is a more formal and precise expression than "only slightly more common."
"little or no difference" -> "minimal difference"
Explanation: "Minimal" is a more precise and formal term than "little or no," which can be vague and informal.
"little or no difference in the popularity" -> "minimal variation in popularity"
Explanation: "Minimal variation" is more specific and formal than "little or no difference in the popularity."
"only 9% of the 40-65 year-old group were not employed" -> "approximately 9% of the 40-65 year-old group were unemployed"
Explanation: "Were unemployed" is more specific and formal than "were not employed," and "approximately" is preferred over "only" for academic writing.
"this figure was around 20%" -> "this figure was approximately 20%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal and precise than "around," which is less formal and somewhat vague.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the most popular and least popular sectors of employment. It also makes comparisons between the different age groups, identifying key features and differences. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed analysis of the data, such as explaining the reasons for the trends observed.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could explain why manufacturing is the most popular form of employment for the oldest age group, or why retail is the most popular occupation among 18-25 year-olds. The essay could also provide more specific examples to support its claims. For example, instead of simply stating that there was little or no difference in the popularity of the legal and accountancy professions across the age range, the essay could provide specific figures to illustrate this point.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. It attempts to compare different age groups and their employment sectors, which is relevant to the task. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, particularly in the way the information is grouped and presented. For example, the transition between discussing the overall trends and specific age groups could be smoother.
How to improve: To enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that transitions between ideas are seamless. Additionally, improving the logical flow of paragraphs by grouping similar ideas together and clearly indicating shifts in focus would strengthen the overall structure. Finally, ensuring that referencing is clear and precise will help avoid ambiguity and improve clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "accountancy" and "local government," but there are inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing, such as "came at 7% and at 6%," which lacks clarity. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and punctuation, such as the inconsistent use of hyphens in age ranges (e.g., "40-65 years-olds"). While these issues do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall effectiveness of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. They can practice using synonyms and more sophisticated terms to convey their ideas more clearly. Additionally, improving control over word formation and ensuring correct spelling and punctuation will help reduce errors that may distract the reader. Finally, providing clearer comparisons and avoiding awkward phrasing will contribute to a more polished and professional essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to convey comparisons and summarize the data effectively, but the presence of errors and occasional awkward phrasing detracts from the overall clarity and precision expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Incorporate a wider variety of complex sentence structures and ensure that they are used accurately.
Error Correction: Review the essay for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes, ensuring that they are corrected to improve overall clarity.
Clarity and Cohesion: Work on making comparisons more explicit and clear, which will help in presenting the information more effectively.
Practice: Regular practice with feedback on grammar and sentence structure can help in achieving greater accuracy and flexibility in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

This table shows how 18-25 year-olds, 25-40 year-olds, and 40-65 year-olds were employed in nine sectors of the economy. Overall, Manufacturing was the most popular form of employment, with an average of around 17%, while accountancy and law were the least popular, at approximately 3% and 4% respectively. There was only minor variation among local government, health, agriculture, and catering, all of which averaged around 13%, followed by local government at 7% and agriculture at 6%.

When comparing the different age groups, it is evident that Retail was by far the most common occupation among 18-25 year-olds, at 23%, which is exactly the same figure for Manufacturing among the oldest age group. In contrast, in the 25-40 age group, Manufacturing and Health, both at 15%, were only slightly more common than Local Government and Education, which were at 12%. It is also notable that there was little or no difference in the popularity of the legal and accountancy professions across the age range. Finally, only 9% of the 40-65 year-old group were not employed in the nine named sectors, while this figure was around 20% for the other two groups.